Readme Gets Absurd

Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • POLLS: President May Be Elected • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a free­for­all as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt • Kanye up to something • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases. • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum. • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • POLLS: President May Be Elected • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved. • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds. • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a free­for­all as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt. • Kanye up to something • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone. • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims.