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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Honey, hand my my ReadMe

By Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder starts where trauma stops: a defense of forever wars

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Netflix realized years ago the key to customer retention is to make sure nothing ever ends. Once an episode stops, the next starts before you can decide if you even liked the previous one. The rest of America can learn from this: if endless content keeps millions of people from …

Crime Report Report

By Baili Jiang • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Institutional vandalism, criminal trespass, receiving stolen property: 3/10

Report dubious at best. They claim that a non-affiliate broke into the Mellon Institute and caused damage to property owned by Carnegie Mellon. First of all, there’s no person in the world named Carnegie Mellon, and if there is, we need …

Really makes you think.

// Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Carnegie Mellon rabbits claim squatters rights

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Rabbits have officially claimed squatters’ rights on the CMU Mall and CFA Lawn following years of occupation. The invasive creatures were first introduced fifty years ago when a freshman living in Mudge brought their hobby rabbit farm to campus. The university initially tried to contain them, but efforts ceased after …

Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Crossword Corner

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Across

Animal that meows

Down

Automobile

Rules are for fools

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

I saw Nasreddin walking from Doherty to Hammerschlag by way of Flagstaff Hill. “Nasreddin,” I said, “That route’s way too long. You should just go through Wean.” “Exactly, everyone will be taking the shortcut.”

One day, Nasreddin saw a sign on the Cut: KEEP OFF GRASS. He picked …

New ID Loopholes allow for underage drinking!

By Phong • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Readme is proud to announce that it will be hosting a party this Friday night to welcome all incoming freshmen present for o-week, and yes, there will be alcohol. To be invited, simply bring a copy of this week’s Readme issue with you and show it to our bouncer. “What …

An image of Santa Claus captioned "Believe in Santa. How else can he believe in himself?"

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

An Editor's Guide to Crushing Students' Spirits

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

As an editor of this fine magazine, I spend a lot of time wading through incomprehensible drivel to guide it toward the pinnacle of our satire content: comprehensible drivel. It's a difficult job, one involving strategery and manipulation more so than artfulness or constructive collaboration. When I sit down across …

Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

Readme Sells Out

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Two soda cans: Carnegie Cola (with a plaid can and a picture of Andrew Carnegie), and mellonade (with a lime green can, watermelon slices, and a picture of Andrew Mellon).

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

Evil Careers for those in the Arts (Oh, and the Humanities)

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Every freshman comes to CMU with the same dream. They may have different passions, but when they stand up at convocation, each one has the same thought in their mind: my very own Faustian contract is just around the corner. Unfortunately, achieving this dream is easier for some than it …

Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

New Squatter's Lawn Competition begins

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

The U.S. Department of Housing and Development is proud to announce a new initiative to help deal with the growing problem of squatters. Starting at the beginning of February will be the All-American Best-Kept Squatter’s Lawn Competition. The idea is fairly simple, after close coordination with local police departments all …

README Strike Thwarted By Too Many Supporters

By Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

The sun was shining as a group of README writers took their places along the sidewalk of Forbes Avenue. Pushing aside Jehovah’s Witnesses, the group raised their signs and began to chant: “Eshaan works us ‘till we’re dust, and he won’t fucking pay us”. Weeks of worker tensions had finally …

joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Distracted students continue to get eaten by the automower

// Rock Buddy • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread …

A quiz labeled "Am I Austistic Quiz" with the subtitle "Find out now for free!" It has three questions: "What's your name?", "What's your date of birth?", and "Do you have autism?" (with options A and B for yes and no respectively). At the bottom, upside down text says "Key: Did you mostly select 'A'? You're autistic! Did you mostly select 'B'? Chances are you're not autistic."

100% Accurate Autism test

// John Autism • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Christmas tips for children of divorce

By Inverse Parental Alienator • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Are you a child of divorce who struggles on holidays? Having two separate Christmas parties can be disappointing and painful, especially for those of you whose parents tolerate each other’s presence enough to come together on your birthday. Well, I have the solution for you! Just follow these simple steps …

A booth which is standing on large chicken legs.

Baba Yaga booth

// Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

A screenshot of a browser search history filled with "hot fbi agents," surrounded by pictures of FBI agents and hearts. "I know you can see my search history you know how badly I need this <3"

Meat • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

What happens if you don't find love during O-week?

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

I had just broken up with my girlfriend. She saw someone on the tour of her college she liked more than me. There was an option on the housing form called the “Romance Program.” It said that if you don’t find a partner during O-Week, you will work at an …

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

A flowchart to determine if readme likes you back. Both outcomes are yes.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Wean is Shabbat Friendly?

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

On Shabbat, Jews are not to parttake in physical activity, work, or use contraptions that use electricity voluntarily – which means one cannot press the buttons of an elevator. Many institutions use what are known as “shabbat elevators”, which are elevators that stop and open at every floor, such that …

4 Hacks to get an extension

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

It’s that time of year again. You got nothing done over Thanksgiving Break, and if you’re one of those California “people” that go home for the holiday, then you’ve also managed to get enough exposure to above40degree weather to reverse whatever progress you have made building up a cold tolerance. …

Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time • OPINION: CaPS should stop hiring therapists shaped like penises • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • Most mathematicians writing in first-person plural are actually painfully alone • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • King Charles III to consider castling • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • OPINION: CaPS should stop hiring therapists shaped like penises • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election. • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API. • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • Most mathematicians writing in first-person plural are actually painfully alone. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • King Charles III to consider castling • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is).