Paid for by: All that filthy, filthy, sponsorship money

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Tales from Frick Park IV: They have a mouth and must not scream

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

“Alright everyone, if we could gather in a semicircle—yes, perfect— watch your step there. Welcome to Carnegie Mellon University! My name is Victor and I’ll be your tour guide today.

Behind me you’ll see one of our most iconic landmarks: Walking to the Sky. Feel free to take a …

What is Luigi Mangione up to these days?

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

He's in prison.

Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Student gives 75 classmates AIVs

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

On Tuesday, November 26th, during a midterm for 18-122 (Principles of Slightly Different Computing), a record of 75 students were given academic integrity violations within a 32 minute span. While their alleged offenses varied widely in scale and execution, they all constituted some form of unauthorized aid, traced back to …

Eshaan calls Pinkertons on striking readme staff

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

On September 3rd, 2024, the staff of the student-run newspaper “readme”, serving Tartans true and peer-reviewed news since 2024, decided to go on strike in an unprecedented display of resentment towards Eshaan Joshi, CEO of said newspaper. This strike happened after months of attempted negotiations with Mr. Joshi over payment, …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

A photograph of a dog wearing a tie. Above the dog is text saying "George Michael welcomes you back...TO HELL!"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

"Drowning in tuition debt? Ready to win big!? CMU is proud to announce that students now have the option to "Double or Nothing" their tuition!" [photo of Warner Hall with large "CASINO" letters]

Kevin Song & Samson Rozansky • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Pittsburgh announces cheat day for airspace laser-pointer laws

By I am NOT writing this under my name thank you very much • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

One thing we all liked to do as kids is mess around with laser-pointers. Watching cats chase around the dots, blinding our siblings, but most fun of all, aiming at airplanes! Unfortunately for our joyful childhood spirits, the very 1984 United States of America government passed a law in 2012 …

How to tell if your classmates peaked in college

By Samson Rozansky • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

As CMU alumni return to their alma mater for the carnival season, one question is at the top of their minds as they see their former classmates: “Did they peak in university?”

To help out our fellow Tartans, we have created this guide on how to identify people who …

A corrupted image of a silhouette of a woman dancing on a beach, with the sky blood red and fiery. Distorted text reads: "hot singles have abandoned us. Beautiful young babes in a distant land, ever longing for true connection. Ready to fuck, join now!"

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Updates from Physics

By Mr. Anomalocaris • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

An announcement sent out earlier this week to Carnegie Mellon University students has created widespread controversy and discourse. The email, as seen below, disclosed an important warning for all students to avoid the Gates Hillman Centre on 11/25/24.

Many on campus are worried about the potential implications of …

Meat • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

Smoking cigarettes is the coward's way out of an oral fixation

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

It's a late night. I'm a private eye, packing a revolver and a second revolver, 'cause that's what you need in the rough-and-tumble streets of North Oakland. I wear a wire and a long coat, but there's one thing you'll never catch me with, and that's a cigarette drooping from …

What happens if you stay up late in Gates 8?

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

I am a fan of Gates 8. It's high up with a gorgeous view of campus, but not too high. It's quiet, but just noisy enough that you know it's safe. Sometimes I hear a skittering I can't quite place. I study, I play games, sometimes I just read …

"Can you solve this puzzle? Fill in the blanks and return to the HUB to win a secret prize!" [A copy of the CMU withdrawal form: "Complete this form if you intend to leave Carnegie Mellon with no intention to return."]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Readme Missed Connections: Wean 5

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

It was roughly 12:30 pm, Tuesday, October 29th, and I was en route to Wean 7500 for my Mechanics lecture. I enter through Wean La Prima and take the stairs usually, however, I saw that one of the elevators called to go up just arrived at floor 5. The elevator …

North Korea to recognize README as official newspaper of Carnegie Mellon University

By Joe MacDonald • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Recently, after several visits to the North Korean embassy I am proud to announce that readMe has officially been declared as North Korea’s go to source for American news. As part of this readMe will now be receiving funding straight from the prosperous economy of North Korea. In addition, a …

I Woke Up and My Butt Print was on the Fence

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

When I opened my eyes that fateful morning, I saw evidence of last night’s rager all over the room. It looked like your average CMU party. Beakers of titrated Hennessy littered the kitchen table. Kilts were strewn about on the ground, some with accompanying pairs of tartan underwear. Someone cuddled …

Tales from Beyond Frick Park II

By Surley Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

The construction of their union was, by all accounts, scandalous. Gates rose first, all brutal confidence and exposed systems. Hillman was slightly sleeker, more speculative, but still almost the mirror image of Gates.

The brutal, pragmatic thrust of Gates penetrated the very shell of the more delicate Hillman, and …

Readme Through The Ages

By Ethan Sterkeson • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Tongue Wrestler Fights Battle for Dominance

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Since the dawn of humankind, the practice of wrestling has been used to determine social pecking orders. Countless fighters, from the Greeks to the Mughals to John Cena, have earned alpha status by turning their opponents into emasculated area rugs. It doesn’t matter whether people wrestle with bodies, arms, or …

You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Controversy over Rev Noodle slogan: "Are you ready for the revolution?" • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • Readme and the Tartan officially break up "It’s not you, it’s me" • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Strangely, CS student's grade performance lines up with Cursor billing cycle • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • You could be sledding right now, but you're not • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Controversy over Rev Noodle slogan: "Are you ready for the revolution?" • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • Readme and the Tartan officially break up "It’s not you, it’s me" • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Strangely, CS student's grade performance lines up with Cursor billing cycle • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • You could be sledding right now, but you're not. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage