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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

What to say to a tour guide

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

"CMU Graphic Design Club, sponsored by README (please join, we need artists)" / "graphic design is our passion!!!!" [lots of rainbow colors and poor-quality sketches]

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

I'm going to punch you (John Lennon)

By Meat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Out walking
I’ve got a shovel
And a crow bar
And a copy of Catcher in the Rye
And my fists
I am going
Going to punch you

Like a priest
I move with holy purpose
Towards an asshole
Unlike the priest
Not in a sexual way
Though I …

A Wikipedia-style donation banner, which descends into caffeine-withdrawal-fueled pleading.

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

TSA-TSA Mixup Causes Dangerous Situation

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Recently, a mixup occurred on CMU's campus at a recruiting event for the Transportation Security Administration, the agency responsible for securing air travel to, from, and within the United States. The event was booked for the Danforth Lounge, for 6 PM on Sunday. But in the neighboring Danforth Conference Room, …

Warning

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

sfljdi sid dowijdojfw auhdfw. slkdjiofe, sddife fhdiofjjs. zsok q idosfje dudi fhcyd, dhdeio gdd eidaosf, fjj oepBwia dttyfi. zgshei yfdo jfjuyuudj gAkgkgid sgdggd fjfjeostcu – kcgsi fhj ducocxb swvweyuf. d iaBsjhf dew pqiuErafsdic u npd fjaiocn dckjhvijow! idhLad sjs jcfodina pjfns dinc sap fHeiowubc n. Awqpe oiud bva shlfdhih, pqioSefd …

A picture of a dog with a tie labeled "New Dean of Tepper / An interview with George Michael / A Readme exclusive"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

An ultrasound showing a crumpled up piece of newspaper.

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Booths shut down due to OSHA violations

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

MIDWAY, Pittsburgh — in a chaotic scene, officials from the Pittsburgh Department of Health, Safety, and Tiny Wooden Houses have taken control of Midway following Farnham Jahanian’s decision to shut down Midway. The controversial decision was made following reports of numerous OSHA violations violated during Booth construction. The Spring Carnival …

It's Gone

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

2:33 PM

It’s the day before printing. Time to finally write that article the editor-in-chief keeps asking me for. Let me just check the pitch tracker to see what I’m supposed to write about… huh, it’s just a blank spot next to my name. That’s weird. Our secretary’s usually …

An image appearing to be a screenshot of a Polymarket betting option labeled "Will that bigass construction project on Forbes/Craig be completed on time?" with a 1% projected chance of succeeding and a $500 trillion volume.

A second market opened: What even is this project?!

// Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

A sketch of three crows sitting at a bar with drinks.

"Crowbar"

// "Save-a-tree" Bhat & John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Getting Ready for a Date with ReadMe

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Welcome back readers to another installment of ReadMe’s daily blog. Today I have an extra-special edition- join me today as we get ready for a first date! Follow along to certainly wow a beau to be!

We’re starting off with a good foundation for our morning routine: ensuring our …

Viva La Revolution

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

How to tell if your classmates peaked in college

By Samson Rozansky • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

As CMU alumni return to their alma mater for the carnival season, one question is at the top of their minds as they see their former classmates: “Did they peak in university?”

To help out our fellow Tartans, we have created this guide on how to identify people who …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

An advertisement consisting of text superimposed on an image of Walking to the Sky taken from behind the statue of a child who looks upward. it states: "Now hiring! New vacancy open at Walking to the Sky! Call (412) 268-2323 to apply today! (*Rest in peace, cmudaddythicc)"

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

CivE department apologizes for increase in campus construction

By Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Earlier this week the department of Civil and Environmental Engineering issued a statement addressing the sudden increase in construction around CMU’s campus, making many spaces unusable, and causing significant traffic delays as 5th Ave and Forbes Ave have had sections of the roads closed. In the statement, the head of …

[Picture of a dog begging] "Begging lessons from the pros: pay off your student loans, scam old people, get yummy food, pass your exams! The possibilities are endless!!! Contact via dog whistle TODAY"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

I'm a Straight White Male: Here's why SCS's Gender Imbalance is Concerning

By 'Bertram' "Bertie" (Wilberforce) Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The only thing starker than my grades is the SCS gender imbalance. Though I am a straight, white male, I feel it is my duty to speak up about this issue. It’s a problem that keeps me up at night, long after I’m finished with my evening meditation and journaling …

School of Music to relocate practice rooms to the backrooms

By Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

PITTSBURGH, PA

As construction continues all over the lower floors of the CFA building, students have begun to wonder what exactly it is that the School of Music is building and why it's taking so long. Thankfully, their questions will soon be answered, as leaked internal messages between SoM …

A Pokemon-style "Who's that buggy?" poster with an outline of a buggy.

Covellite Dove • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude • Nudist Revolution on Campus, 30% of campus disrobes • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Student with childhood autism diagnosis excitedly awaits instant personality change upon turning 18 • Young men increasingly feeling that having a Borat impression counts as a personality Report • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is • Local first-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude. • Nudist Revolution on Campus, 30% of campus disrobes • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Student with childhood autism diagnosis excitedly awaits instant personality change upon turning 18. • Young men increasingly feeling that having a Borat impression counts as a personality Report • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is. • Local first-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds. • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it.