Paid for by: Mugging Carolers and stealing from Santa

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

We Killed The Dog

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

The War on South Craig Street

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

“I always say, as you know, that if my fellow citizens want to go to Hell I will help them. It's my job.” Oliver Wendell Holmes.

By the summer of 2026, Avirat Kohli had had enough. Two great armies were converging on his Indian grocery, and what would …

A Grad Student's Guide to PA Liquor Laws

By WP • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Congratulations on starting grad school! It’s like freshman year all over again, except now you’re old, and alcohol isn’t new and cool anymore. On the bright side, getting your hands on a drink should at least be significantly easier this time around, right?

Wrong. The state of Pennsylvania is …

The only keyboard you'll EVER need at CMU!

// Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Stupid Baby Rabbits Keep Ruining My Brooding

By WP • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Rabbit populations follow boom-bust cycles, and the Pittsburgh rabbit sex market is at an all time high. This wreaks havoc on native plants, spreads disease, and takes away from my most enjoyable hobby: being miserable. Sometimes I walk around Westinghouse pond and contemplate drowning myself in two feet of water …

Air Conditioner • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

CMU to increase free speech "by any force necessary"

By joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

A core pillar of our democracy and liberty has always been the right to freedom of expression. The Founding Fathers famously freed speech from its shackles of Europeanism with the signing of the 1st amendment (unfreed slaves notwithstanding).

Carrying on this tradition, CMU president Farnam Jahanian announced, “CMU is …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

The Scramble for Element 119: The Race Continues

By Phong • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

The quest to discover new superheavy elements has in the past been analogized to a race. Since the discovery of berkelium, in 1946, scientists from various laboratories around the world have competed, and at times collaborated, to discover new elements, leading to a string of discoveries of element 97 up …

An unsolvable word search with words like "obvious" and "skillissue."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

So you want to TA a class

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Like many CMU students, you may have seen the 15-112 TAs decked out in their bright blue hoodies, haunting Gates 5. While their swag is atrocious, their aura is undeniable. To obtain this aura, you need to become a TA.

Many students expect their TA duties to be relatively …

Leaked CMRC Plans for Missile Silo Under the Cut

By Citron & µllom • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

In a shocking discovery this Tuesday, one of our reporters found that Carnegie Mellon Rocket Command has mocked up CAD schematics for a missile silo to be housed underneath The Cut. According to our source, the silo is to be about 30 feet wide and 120 feet deep; it …

Inside ReadMe Legal

By Ryan Chernoff • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Due to the substantial inquiries regarding the inner workings of ReadMe & Co, I have been chosen to represent the ReadMe Legal Department in disclosing the functions and responsibilities we adhere to in order to maintain ReadMe as a corporation and ensure the continued freedom of all ReadMe employees.

…

An illustration of a phillips-head screw driving a car.

A screw driver

// "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Maggie Mo Daycare Lemonade Stands Busted

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Carnegie Mellon University, humble home to a rambunctious fourteen thousand students from across the world, manages a tight ship on its campus. CMU has risen to international acclaim thanks to its remarkable near-abstinence from off-campus travel, partying, and many other plagues of state schools. This abstinence is in no small …

A coupon offering "1 Free Advice" from Grey's Wingman Service (circa 2022).

Grey O'Hara • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

With Carnegie Mellon's tuition continuing to rise following the exponential function e(x) = fuck you, the amount of money that I can sink into readme is starting to dwindle. I've been trying to defraud several investors by promising good quality, funny content, but unfortunately, nobody has taken the bait yet.

…

A public service announcement which reads the following: "Carnegie Mellon Facilities Management Drought Advisory; NOTICE: Water rations will be available at approved locations in reduced 335 ml sizes. 500 ml bottles will be available only as a premium side at dining locations. Water is to be conserved for the following approved uses: AI datacenter cooling, watering concrete, grass (to be killed), and watering the Fence. Water is NOT to be used for the following: vegetables, emergency eyewash, and emergency and non-emergency showering. If you experience signs of dehydration, please bear with them or purchase Celsius or other beverages from vending machines at increased prices."

Covellite Dove • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Team USA Ready for World's First Olympics

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

In her recent press conference, the president of the International Olympic Committee, Kirsty Coventry, announced that the IOC is going to embrace scientific accomplishment by adding a performance drug innovation challenge to the programme for Milano Cortina 2026.

“For decades, the IOC has waged an increasingly costly war on …

A bar graph showing the following data: 3 responses for the Tartan, 8 responses for readme, and 16 responses for "stop talking to me."

Readme Polls: Do you read Readme or the Tartan?

// Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Auntie Readme's Advice Column

By Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

The people have asked questions and I, having no knowledge about anything in my head save for a handful of terminally online references, have found it fitting for me to respond as confidently as possible. Here goes!

should i take a job at lockheed martin if they …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Tepper Unveils New Hell Campus

By Benner Rogers & Gavin Radford • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

“We fought hard to ensure our students a prime location. It’s like a stu-cation! Which is what we’re calling it when one of our students goes to Hell.”

- Dr. S. A. Tan, Office of Tepper Study Abroad Programs

Santa Claus sues NORAD Santa Tracker over privacy concerns

By Bridget McMahon • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Late Wednesday, Claus threatened legal action against Norad – North American Aerospace Defense Command – and “organizations who supported harm to my family.” Claus said a stalker followed and blocked a sleigh carrying his favorite elf “Lil Pimmpin,” in the North Pole, thinking the occupant was him. The assailant climbed …

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Silhouettes of a man with a CRT screen for a head and another man pointing guns at each other on Pausch bridge. It's captioned "explore Human-Computer Interaction at CMU."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Smoking cigarettes is the coward's way out of an oral fixation

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

It's a late night. I'm a private eye, packing a revolver and a second revolver, 'cause that's what you need in the rough-and-tumble streets of North Oakland. I wear a wire and a long coat, but there's one thing you'll never catch me with, and that's a cigarette drooping from …

Beloved Football Chants At CMU

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

The Kiltie Marching Band wants blood. Despite, on paper, being the unassuming pep band for CMU’s respectable football team, firsthand experience brings out their reality; that the Kilties are a barely-restrained rabid mob. Observe the chants they call out at games, taunting the other team and wishing destruction upon them. …

A "DIY 2-player word search" on a 3x3 grid with words including XXX and OOO.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Confessions of the Fence Eater

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

As many of you know, I am about to be expelled from CMU for taking a bite out of the Fence. The vitriol I’ve received from faculty and alumni for this victimless crime has taken a tremendous toll on my mental health, and I would like to present my side …

O-Week Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Alcohol Awareness: Have you been aware of alcohol today? • Tired of protein shakes? Gym bros invent "carb shakes" comprised of beer, ground pasta, and soft-serve ice cream • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband • CMU revises clone policy so you can take two exams at the same time • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual' • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API • King Charles III to consider castling • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Alcohol Awareness: Have you been aware of alcohol today? • Tired of protein shakes? Gym bros invent "carb shakes" comprised of beer, ground pasta, and soft-serve ice cream. • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband. • CMU revises clone policy so you can take two exams at the same time • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual'. • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat. • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API. • King Charles III to consider castling • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved. • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks”