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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

What to say to a tour guide

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The Scramble for Element 119: The Race Continues

By Phong • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

The quest to discover new superheavy elements has in the past been analogized to a race. Since the discovery of berkelium, in 1946, scientists from various laboratories around the world have competed, and at times collaborated, to discover new elements, leading to a string of discoveries of element 97 up …

The Best Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It’s time to expose all of the dirty little secrets of a certain satire magazine, of which there are many. Who would ever do such a terrible thing, not the reputable newspaper you are reading, nope, NOT US. Anyways, unrelated, but please send help and money to our gofundme.

…

Manifest Destiny Doesn't Work in Europe

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

CMU students in exchange programs throughout Europe have made a shocking discovery. The great American pastime of manifesting destiny is, while not unheard of, frowned upon by most of Europe. Pioneering American students tried many popular manifest destiny strategies, but none of them seemed to work.

Manifest destiny has …

CMU-specific Travel Advisory

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

With spring break rapidly approaching, CMU has put out a travel advisory against countries that are deemed “unsafe for Tartans”. If you have booked a trip to any of these countries, please reconsider your plans.

Ukraine

Why did you even book a flight to Kyiv?

Spain

…

On Pediatrics

By Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The Homosexual Conundrum

By Hom O. Gaylord • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Hello, fellow queers of Carnegie. Recently I have run into an issue that we have all experienced: too much gay sex. Just last week, I received trouble from this dreadful condition. As I was sashaying though campus, I noticed a poster for blood donation. Being a kind-hearted individual, I naturally …

SCOTUS strikes down law banning academic weapons in school zones

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

In a landmark 54 decision, the Supreme Court struck down the Weapons-Free School Zones Act of 1990, ruling it unconstitutional and finding in favor of plaintiff Alfonso Lopez, a student previously deemed an “academic weapon.” Congress’s argument was best encapsulated by Solicitor General Days’s impassioned defense:

The unchecked proliferation …

A Freshman's Guide to Avoid Freshmen who read "A Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid"

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

It'll be a typical day at CMU. The clouds are out, you're stuck in Wean, and the highlight of your day has been a $6 latte from La Prima. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you'll spot a particularly unattractive freshman (not that you'd have opinions on the …

Everyone I date becomes lesbian

By Coward • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Hi, for the past two years, I have been unable to find love due to a stupid curse and I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me.

It all started a year or two ago when I had my first date. I thought it went well and …

Oh, Hi! Um, this is Awkward; It Seems You Just Picked Me Up.

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

The sky is filled with a biting blue-gray, so you ducked indoors to relieve the numbness. But, on this icy winter day, a breeze still permeates the Kittanning brick. The echoes of soles, the stoplights by each door, and the smell of novelty and age combined remind you of the …

Ethics final causes moderate ruckus

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Over the past few weeks, local shooting ranges have been seeing an increase in CMU student patronage. According to onsite readme reporters, a number of students are taking time out of their weekends to practice at the pistol range.

Many members of reAdme speculate that this may be related …

SHOCKING: Roman Republic only 2600 years away from nuclear capability

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

In a revelation sending shockwaves through the complex, community-destroying, complex-destroying military-industrial community-complex complex, a new study warns that the ancient civilization of Rome may be far closer to nuclear capability than previously believed.

The authors of the report caution that 2600 years is not as distant as it sounds. …

A quiz labeled "Am I Austistic Quiz" with the subtitle "Find out now for free!" It has three questions: "What's your name?", "What's your date of birth?", and "Do you have autism?" (with options A and B for yes and no respectively). At the bottom, upside down text says "Key: Did you mostly select 'A'? You're autistic! Did you mostly select 'B'? Chances are you're not autistic."

100% Accurate Autism test

// John Autism • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

An illustration of a phillips-head screw driving a car.

A screw driver

// "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

One's a magazine. One's a human. Now they're married.

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Just a few short articles ago, they were strangers. One, a newspaper, born in a VersaLink printer, and the other, a student of Carnegie Mellon University. They're an unlikely couple, but they show that love truly has no bounds. Their wedding is set to take place on the scenic slopes …

README Responds to The Allegations

By Maximillian Bartholemow VIII • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Let it become beknownst to whomstever accused our collective of various “allegations”, that they are all factually incoherent and blatantly untrue. This response will be organized in the following format — an untrue statement made by an adversary, and our rebuttal.

“Readme will be responsible for various cases of …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

I Fucking Hate the 54

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Pittsburgh, a city that prides itself on having some of the strongest transrights protections, seems to have been lying right to our faces. You can declare the Steel City to be a "Trans haven" as much as you want, but that does not answer for the glaring dialectic right in …

Don't Come Back

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It’s Spring Carnival, meaning our campus is once again clogged with the shambling corpses of alumni who refuse to die with dignity. This is a group that includes you, probably, and if it doesn’t, it will. Every April, you ooze back onto campus in your quarter-zips, grinning like dim-witted Golden …

Local school defends diaper-wearing mascot from furry allegations

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

For schools all over the country, sports mascots represent a sense of school spirit and athletic pride. For Doherty Regional High School, however, their mascot represents something else: the ongoing debate about what constitutes a furry.

In order to investigate the situation, I did some field reporting and attended …

STI Transmission via consumption of infected flesh

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Abstract

While the transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) through blood transfusions or sexual activity is widely researched, there remains a gap in the understanding of STI transmission through cannibalism. Prion diseases like kuru disease or Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease can be passed on through consumption of infected flesh. This …

I Hate Baker-Porter

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Baker-Porter Hall is the most evil building on all of CMU’s campus. Its construction is proof of hell's existence. In order to graduate from the architecture program you have to successfully map Baker-Porter, no one’s done it yet.

Baker-Porter cannot decide if it wants to be Baker or Porter. …

Buggy: An Introduction

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:

1) You are short
2) You went …

CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Campus router upgrade ends in unexpected raw meat surprise • Are you tired of being normal? I'm not, so fuck you! • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • Meta-analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • King Charles III to consider castling • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Campus router upgrade ends in unexpected raw meat surprise. • Are you tired of being normal? I'm not, so fuck you! • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • Meta-analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking. • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • King Charles III to consider castling • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle