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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

We're broke

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

A Freshman's Guide to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

You and I have one thing in common: We’ve both never been to Spring Carnival. Fear not, because my expert sleuthing over the past few days has allowed me to gain insight into this mysterious campuswide event. What does a midway taste like? Who’s in the doghouse? I’ll answer all …

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

Auntie Readme's Ten Things They Never Taught You In High School

By Cindy Gao & Dr. Et Al. • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

While schools drill certain indisputable facts, such as “the moon landing was filmed at Area 51” and “Ted Cruz’s father was involved in the JFK assassination” into the impressionable young minds, they also peddle deceit, push conspiracy theories, and propagate outright falsehoods. Fortunately, I am here with the world’s premier …

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Carnegie Mellon Updates Enrollment Contract, Since Nobody Reads Those Things Anyway: Here are Some of the Details

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

In an email sent directly to students’ spam folders, Carnegie Mellon University has announced changes to the contract signed by all students upon enrollment. “Because no one is going to read this,” Provost Jim Garrett writes in the email, “we are proud to announce that we have made some of …

A flowchart to determine if readme likes you back. Both outcomes are yes.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

One's a magazine. One's a human. Now they're married.

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Just a few short articles ago, they were strangers. One, a newspaper, born in a VersaLink printer, and the other, a student of Carnegie Mellon University. They're an unlikely couple, but they show that love truly has no bounds. Their wedding is set to take place on the scenic slopes …

Distracted students continue to get eaten by the automower

// Rock Buddy • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Readme Studies Abroad

By Gavin Radford • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Snowman animated by rogue BME students

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

At 3 am on Wednesday, 12/05, a team of exhausted BME student researchers made a major leap in genetic engineering, by successfully animating a snowman. The snow creature – humanoid with rounded limbs, standing around four feet tall – is powered by the highly bioengineered carrot forming its ‘nose’. The …

Duo Push Goes Rogue

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds, the virus will …

Carnival makes Pitt rethink CMU: 'Even lamer than we thought'

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Students visiting Carnival from the University of Pittsburgh report their impressions of Carnegie Mellon have fallen, and not risen. Instead of finding CMU cool for the first time ever, students say they are disappointed by the “degree of nerdiness” and hard work that goes into Carnival.

Students at the …

SDC BUGGY NOTICE BOARD Freshmen Job Openings

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

SDC BUGGY Inexperienced working freshmen wanted! Inquire with us for:

STRONG SECURITY NEEDED for intellectual property protection on rolls, race mornings. Must be steadfast, relatively uncurious, good with cold. PAY MARGINAL, EXPERIENCE INVALUABLE. For full particulars see [Redacted], arrive with jacket.

TONGUE-TIED? APPLY NOW in official Deer In …

A Lamborghini ad showing a positive trend between employee wages and satisfaction next to a picture of an office worker in front of a Lamborghini. The bottom reads "the choice is yours."

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

Overheard at CMU

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Feb 19

motion to create the chaired the chaired uh motion to create the chair uh ah shit whats the word for it whats the word for group, club, chair organization committee, sorry whole lotta stress looking at your eyes aw man ever since yeah, I’m sorry. Motion …

Pittsburgh announces cheat day for airspace laser-pointer laws

By I am NOT writing this under my name thank you very much • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

One thing we all liked to do as kids is mess around with laser-pointers. Watching cats chase around the dots, blinding our siblings, but most fun of all, aiming at airplanes! Unfortunately for our joyful childhood spirits, the very 1984 United States of America government passed a law in 2012 …

"Help find this nice Jewish boy a forever home!" [picture of a Scotty dog in a synagogue]

Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

MLM vs MLM vs MLM: Everything YOU need to know

By Benner Rogers & Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

The modern world is filled with confusing new acronyms, and it seems like more crop up every day. The most insidious example is “MLM”, an amorphous concept that no person seems to truly understand and which appears to shift meaning with no regard to context.

I speak, of course, …

Auntie Readme's Advice Column

By Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

The people have asked questions and I, having no knowledge about anything in my head save for a handful of terminally online references, have found it fitting for me to respond as confidently as possible. Here goes!

should i take a job at lockheed martin if they …

I Just Shat Myself in a Macys

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Please bring a change of pants
Its 1 am on a Saturday night and I am in a Macys
I didn’t know they had Macys anymore
Why am I in a Macyies

I ate 4 whole blocks of cheese before coming to Macys
I asked the Macys empoolye where …

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

A Very Readme Christmas

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Gender euphoria: humorless humping

By Jasmine Papino-Wood • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Gender Dysphoria is the concept of one’s gender identity within oneself clashing with their perceived or performed gender presented to the outside world. This is a common phenomenon, particularly in the trans and non- binary communities, where this dissonance causes intense discomfort. Common triggers for dysphoria include improper pronoun use, …

An ad promising to "enhance your erected with this one simple trick," next to photos of Walking to the Sky (100 ft., maybe) and the Cathedral of Learning (535 ft.).

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

My Love Affair with Raymond John Wean

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Dear Reader,

It started as most romances do, with a meet-cute in a coffee shop. La Prima Espresso at the entrance of Wean Hall has always been one of my favorite places to grab a drink between my life-threatening engineering classes, but I had no idea just how important …

Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Naughty List leaked • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Truancy StuCo shut down for record-low attendance • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API. • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer. • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat. • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is. • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Naughty List leaked. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Truancy StuCo shut down for record-low attendance • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator