Paid for by: a marvelous collection of mental hospital escapees, engineers, and the odd english major.

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Sweepstakes forbids new live-birth method

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Just weeks ahead of Carnival, Sweepstakes has dropped a bombshell on all buggy teams: due to existing rules prohibiting mass loss during a race, the “live birth method” is officially banned. In previous years, buggy drivers would impregnate themselves prior to Carnival, nourishing the fetus with Stack’d and melatonin gummies. …

A Freshman's Guide to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

You and I have one thing in common: We’ve both never been to Spring Carnival. Fear not, because my expert sleuthing over the past few days has allowed me to gain insight into this mysterious campuswide event. What does a midway taste like? Who’s in the doghouse? I’ll answer all …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

A chart labeled "undefined behavior in C: d10 effect" with outcomes including "your screen color inverts", "signed integer overflow now discards the overflow bits", and "you are overcome by a sense of peace and wellbeing."

Wade Cheng • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Readme Rejected

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

CMU to host the Olympic Games

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) …

Iliano Spills All, Denies Ties to CIA

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

On November 7th, README secured an interview with one of CMU's most famed figures: Dr. Illiano Cervesato, the professor for Principles of Imperative Computing. Reproduced below are some of the most intriguing, incriminating, and downright intransient questions and answers we got from this unprecedented collaboration.

Your class is infamous …

Jewish Space Lasers are SDC's newest buggy strategy

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Last week during rolls, SDC buggy unveiled their newest buggy: Greed. The new design features a shorter body and lower ceiling, as well as a front mounted laser cannon. Upon questioning by ReadmE on what the purpose of this laser was, SDC merely responded that it was classified. However, …

CMU Student Senate clarifies fetal personhood policy

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

The Fence is a proud tradition in CMU's history, with a short and simple set of rules. One such rule is that so long as two people are "holding" the fence by staying within its encircling gravel pit, no others may lay claim to it.

This simplicity falls apart, …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

CMU announces austerity to reduce funding woes

By Thatcher Maggie • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Amidst rising inflation costs and increasing building maintenance fees, Carnegie Mellon University administration voted to implement austerity measures as a cost-cutting measure.

The English department will be entirely destroyed, as there are only 4 English majors anyways, and all social sciences will have budgets slashed in half, and the …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

CS Students to be Decimated, Roman Legion-style

By Phong • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Early this week, SCS students would have been informed via email that a tenth of the SCS student are to be culled, and the email would have included details on how which students are selected to be put to death. Any SCS students who have not seen such an email …

Freshman Randomly Selected to Eat Posters off Walls of Wean

By Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Following a year of intense budget cuts, the CMU front office has taken a radical new approach to keeping the designated poster areas clean around Wean Hall. One poor sap has been plucked from the freshman class this winter break and tasked with consuming all papers, posters, and club-related paraphernalia …

Student Dies of Autoerotic Asphyxiation on Donner Swings

By Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

PITTSBURGH, PA In a first-of-its-kind incident for CMU, a student has passed away from asphyxiation by autofellatio, otherwise known as a “self suck incident.” Eyewitnesses report that late Thursday night, the victim approached the playground swings in the Donner Ditch, pulled their pants down, and proceeded to assume a position …

CMU Takes Position on Gates Divorce

By "Tyan Rosh" & Archibald The Great • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

In August of 2021, Bill Gates and Melinda French Gates got a divorce after 27 years of profitable marriage. While the couples' finances have since been settled, CMU has quietly ignored a brewing custody battle over the Gates' favorite child: the Gates-Hillman Center.

While the 9-story building was conceived …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Readme Reads the Paper

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Hey Alums! Here's what's new on campus

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Welcome back to campus, alumni! We hope that you have fun during carnival, and that the school brings back warm memories of your time here. CMU’s changed a lot since you’ve graduated, but don’t fear: readMe is here to get you up to speed.

Schatz has acquired its first …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

By Meat • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

On the origins of buggy

By "Roan Tysh" & µllom • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

In modern day, it can be difficult to recollect the scrappy origins of the noble sport of Sweepstakes. Informally known as Buggy, this pastime today takes the form of small carbon fiber capsules being pushed along a set route through Schenley Park, steered by students of short stature and …

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Student Senate revolts after fourth straight week of tasty pizza at meetings • All of Science wrong. Oops • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay. • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Student Senate revolts after fourth straight week of tasty pizza at meetings • All of Science wrong. Oops. • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API. • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his