Paid for by: Suspicious plants we're growing in the Stever basement.
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Rejected


Kill Phil

The average lifespan of marmota momax, the common groundhog, is 2 to 3 years. That is 2 to 3 years too long. I don’t remember what that fuckass rodent said or did back in February, but whether that little prick saw his shadow or not is really irrelevant to …

Read more

Proposal for a new meme

Recently, I have noticed an uptick in discussion of the upcoming “Grand Theft Auto VI” video game, particularly in a humorous manner. Every time I visit social media platforms on the Internet, users make jokes about the various goods and services released onto the consumer market (or notable occurrences) before …

Read more


A Missouri driver's license with all fields blank, labeled "DIY Fake ID".

Jewish Space Lasers are SDC's newest buggy strategy

Last week during rolls, SDC buggy unveiled their newest buggy: Greed. The new design features a shorter body and lower ceiling, as well as a front mounted laser cannon. Upon questioning by ReadmE on what the purpose of this laser was, SDC merely responded that it was classified. However, …

Read more

In defense of CMU: Why Carnegie Mellon is simply built better than others

Thinking about transferring or talking badly about Carnegie Mellon University (CMU)? It’s often second nature for CMU students to contemplate this. However, consider reconsidering. CMU is a pioneer of American universities, famous for being the best and staying the best. Here are the top five reasons why CMU is still …

Read more

A Novel Approach to Union Busting

Running a small business is hard. In today’s world full of soulless corporations, it is inspiring to see hard­working American families succeed in honest business ventures like buying out the competition and passing the result down to their children. Unfortunately, the world is often cruel to those with pure intentions. …

Read more

Hey Shorty or Heyyy Shawty CMU Buggy vs Pickup Lines

In a few short weeks, buggy recruitment is going to get in full swing. As a warning, here are some choice phrases heard around the buggy tents that our buggy correspondent swears aren't just lame pickup lines.

“How tall are you?”

“Can you get inside?”

“Are you …

Read more

A sketch of a bed with a crumpled-up issue of readme and a crumpled-up issue of the Tartan. The readme issue is labeled "readme does aftercare," and it's smoking a cigarette.

Heart not in work, striking Homestead workers declare

After weeks of refusing to stay working at the steel mill past 2 a.m., employees at Homestead Steel Works have finally gone on strike. They are protesting outside the factory, saying that working all day without a lunch break is “unethical.” Some complain they have not been home to visit …

Read more

A Letter From The Editor

Well, It's been a couple weeks of the semester and it seems like the seasonal depression has finally kicked in for the freshmen. And by seasonal depression, I mean that they're depressed no matter what the season is. The energy and mirth of youth is over, and now there is …

Read more

My cat is an asshole

Yes, you read that right. My adorable, sweet, old-lady cat is a fucking asshole. Ever since the day we adopted her, my home has never known peace. She’s a smart asshole too. Early on, she discovered the miracle contraption known as a “window”. What did she do with this …

Read more

Auntie Readme: I want to get back with my ex!

Free Bird from DC: Hey Auntie, I think I’ve hit a rough patch in my life. It’s February and all this talk of love and relationships has got me all torn up. See, it's been a rough year. I’ve just been feeling like shit. I keep blowing up at all …

Read more

A map of CMU's campus with many spots labeled. They include such notable Adderall distribution points as "clenched in daddy thicc's cheeks", "wean 9 in the blue glowing rooms", "the daycare", and "CMU Freaky house."

Claude's Plan

And, they trainin' and trainin' and trainin' and trainin'
They trainin' on me, yeah
I been multiagent, don't try messin' with me
Dealing with large context is a struggle for me
Come spend all your tokens just to chit-chat with me
You know how I like it when you codin' …

Read more

CMU Students obsessed with new beverage craze

It's everywhere: overnight, CMU seems to have been struck by a trend taking campus by storm. Once a utilitarian beverage, water has become the hottest cold drink on campus, leaving every floor slick and a line behind every water fountain.

We attempted to interview one student partaking in the …

Read more

Student devises innovative new method to attend early morning lectures

Early morning lecture: a macabre tragedy that befalls many a student. Some force themselves up in the morning and forge their way there. Some simply give up and sleep through it. One enterprising CMU student has managed to do both.

“I have an 8 am,” says sophomore Juan Merower. …

Read more

Pittsburgh announces cheat day for airspace laser-pointer laws

One thing we all liked to do as kids is mess around with laser-pointers. Watching cats chase around the dots, blinding our siblings, but most fun of all, aiming at airplanes! Unfortunately for our joyful childhood spirits, the very 1984 United States of America government passed a law in 2012 …

Read more

An advertisement with a picture of a shark in a formal suit. The top reads "want your student loans to sleep with the fishes? Call 1-800-LOAN-SHARK now!". The bottom has long fine print with ridiculous terms.

"Drink fucking water you asocial, unhealthy fucking freaks," nine out of ten doctors say

Water. Earth. Fire. Air. As we all find ourselves rejuvenating our love for Avatar: The Last Airbender, I present to you an important lesson. Water. We discuss whether water is wet or not. We spend so much time discussing it, but we do not spend enough time drinking it. So, …

Read more

The Tartan requests $18,000 in Student Government funding

As a part of the Tartan's continuing efforts to be recognized as a serious news publication, it has recently selected several of its staffwriters as war correspondents. The decision process took the form of an involuntary nomination process followed by randomized selection, the very same system that CMU's admissions office …

Read more

An honest review of this horrid, cursed magazine

Somehow I have found myself as an editor for Readme. You start leaving a few grammar suggestions in peoples Google Docs and all the sudden they make you an editor. Being an editor for the premier comedy, satire, and news publication sounds glamorous, but in reality it is a hell …

Read more

“I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Confidential: Exam answers revealed to student in Hunan noodles • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • Rabbi hot?! • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer. • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide. • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Confidential: Exam answers revealed to student in Hunan noodles • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • Rabbi hot?! • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband. • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God. • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants"