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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Honey, hand my my ReadMe

By Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

A Day in the Life at CMU Miami

By Citron • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

8 AM. My alarm beeps twice. I jolt awake, panic, and swing my arm at it. Miss. Shit.

“IT’S KENNETH C. GRIFFIN O’CLOCK!” it bellows, and tinny notes soon follow. Can’t switch it off now – turning off the official Kenneth C. Griffin theme song is liable to suspension …

Crime Report Report

By Baili Jiang • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Institutional vandalism, criminal trespass, receiving stolen property: 3/10

Report dubious at best. They claim that a non-affiliate broke into the Mellon Institute and caused damage to property owned by Carnegie Mellon. First of all, there’s no person in the world named Carnegie Mellon, and if there is, we need …

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Really makes you think.

// Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Mar. K. O. • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Is the trend towards minimialism bad?

By 2 anonymous writers • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Point

Bartholomew Thistlewick

Minimalism has its place in artistic movements, there is no doubt that some of the most influential art works of modern times were inspired by minimalism; one need not look further than the works of Yves Klein to see this. But minimalism is not content …

AI not human enough for me to abuse it

By Handy Manny • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Dear Sam Altman,

As a small business owner, I'm looking for ways to optimize my repair shop to maximize profits. Sure, Felipe, Turner, and Pat slaving away for minimum wage is nice, but these woke liberals want minimum wage to be “livable”. How am I supposed to live if …

Carnegie Mellon rabbits claim squatters rights

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Rabbits have officially claimed squatters’ rights on the CMU Mall and CFA Lawn following years of occupation. The invasive creatures were first introduced fifty years ago when a freshman living in Mudge brought their hobby rabbit farm to campus. The university initially tried to contain them, but efforts ceased after …

CMU announces austerity to reduce funding woes

By Thatcher Maggie • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Amidst rising inflation costs and increasing building maintenance fees, Carnegie Mellon University administration voted to implement austerity measures as a cost-cutting measure.

The English department will be entirely destroyed, as there are only 4 English majors anyways, and all social sciences will have budgets slashed in half, and the …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

As you may or may not know, ReadMe has been around since the dawn of time. We’re so old, in fact, that for our first volumes we were called TellMe. We orated about the Big Bang, the age of the dinosaurs, and the evolution of humanity. Once we could write, …

A sketch of a horse drawing a (CMU-style) buggy.

Horse-drawn buggy

// "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

A public service announcement from CMU Police stating: "Do not leave items on tables to reserve spots. Effective immediately, doing so is illegal and subject to disciplinary action. To enforce, please steal all items left unattended."

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Auntie ReadMe’s: A Conversation With Dr. Et. Al

By Cindy Gao & Dr. Et Al. • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

After being suspended from the Guild of Advice Columnists for “giving bad advice” because “you can’t just lie” or something and “several people have died as a result of going along with something this column said and that means you can legally be charged with manslaughter” and other silly allegations …

Help Wanted: Password Guesses

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

A check made out from the Make-A-Wish Foundation to readMe Incorporated for $400,000, with a memo identifying it as being for "releasing the children unharmed" As all of you astute readers are likely aware of by this point, your favorite factual news source readMe is going through a mild financial crisis. Luckily, readMe was always aware of this possibility, and four years ago the editor stored a nest egg(courtesy of a friendly local business), just …

Readme Election Corner (2024)

By Political Correspondent™ • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, PA - Tempers ran high at Monday’s Readme Pitch meeting as the topic of the November 5th, 2024 North Dakota gubernatorial election was brought up once again. Chairs were thrown, walls were punched, and several friendships ended in emotionally devastating ways after the names of past …

Carnegie Mellon to offer new exchange programs

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

If the news here in the US of A is starting to get to you, don’t fear. CMU has announced two new exchange programs so you can get the hell out of here, at least for a year.

By popular demand, the CMU-CMU program will be opening next year, …

CMU-specific Travel Advisory

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

With spring break rapidly approaching, CMU has put out a travel advisory against countries that are deemed “unsafe for Tartans”. If you have booked a trip to any of these countries, please reconsider your plans.

Ukraine

Why did you even book a flight to Kyiv?

Spain

…

[Picture of a dog in a santa hat] "George Michael wishes you a Very Readme Christmas!"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Student Tells All: Internship at Anduril

By Camilia Creutzfeldt • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

With fall break on the horizon, it's safe to say that we've fully settled into the semester. Yet, I still get people bringing up my summer internship at Anduril. That was two whole months ago! Most often, the people who bring it up are just classmates who want to find …

A DIY green card, with blanks to fill in.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

A "WANTED DEAD" poster for spotted lanternflies.

Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Some finals traditions!

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Pittsburgh itself is an incredibly unique city – near Ohio, but not Midwest, near Maryland but not Southern, near West Virginia, but most residents do not consider it Appalachian. We also have our own “accent insulate” here, as a consequence of Pittsburgh being settled during the time of the 13 …

CMU announces new set of steam tunnels

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led …

Everything not on your ABP Everything Bagel

By Alex Werth • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

I asked for a bagel with everything on it, a coffee and apple to go,

They looked at me funny, like hey, little buddy, there’s something that you didn’t know:

It comes with the sesame, salmon and chili, and maybe a dollop of cheese,

But missing some …

The 'car' in Carnegie

By John Jahanian • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Margaret Morrison Street is a beloved dainty throughway within the confines of Carnegie Mellon University bordered by many residence halls, such as Boss, McGill, Scobell, Welch, Henderson, as well as the biological hazard known as “Donner House”.

A safety analysis run by CMU’s highly esteemed professor Dr. Et …

Feng Shui for ruining your life

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Have you ever felt like you were doing too well in your classes? Do you wake up too well-rested? Feng Shui is an essential practice for balancing your energy, and can be easily manipulated to prevent you from reaching your full potential. With ReadMe’s expert advice, any standard three-person one-room …

CMU Cancelled, Go Home

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Well it was worth a shot. Welcome to hell, Nerds!

To My 8 A.M.s:

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Up! We are Up! I cheer myself to rise At the crack of seven-twenty, ‘Fore the sun has hit the skies,

On a wonderous new Monday, I’m triumphantly awake In sheer elation for the 8am that I – with no especially strong feelings – Take.

A truly magical …

Nine-and-a-half theses on comedy

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

When the humorist writes, he ought to will the entire piece be one of intelligibility.
Satire cannot be understood as merely the presence of references and proper nouns; artificial intelligence, Farnam Jahanian, Palantir, and Charlie Kirk do not a joke make.
When …

An infographic titled "evolving from misleading language to factual language" with "instead of" and "say this" columns. The "instead of" column includes statements like "I am skeptical of the media I consume" and the "say this" column includes statements like "I believe everything in README without question."

Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

An image which contains the text "the Carnegie Mellon semester of humiliation" in CMU-consistent branding.

author_name • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • I went back in time and fucked Isaac Newton to prevent calculus, and other shocking confessions • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Music major hooligan takes a stand • Students shocked as test difficulty scales inversely with study • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude. • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold. • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • I went back in time and fucked Isaac Newton to prevent calculus, and other shocking confessions. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Music major hooligan takes a stand. • Students shocked as test difficulty scales inversely with study • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases.