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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

We Killed The Dog


The War on South Craig Street

“I always say, as you know, that if my fellow citizens want to go to Hell I will help them. It's my job.” Oliver Wendell Holmes.

By the summer of 2026, Avirat Kohli had had enough. Two great armies were converging on his Indian grocery, and what would …

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KGB "Scav Hunt" data trains AI to assist in ground invasion

A campus event named ‘Scav Hunt’ by the KGB, a student organization, has come under fire after data from the venue was allegedly used to train an AI model, rumoured to potentially assist in a ground invasion of Doherty Hall.

While event-goers reported being "mildly amused” and unsuspicious, likely …

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Best clubs for returning freshmen

For freshmen moving away from home for the first time, making new friends can seem daunting. However, the 350+ clubs at Carnegie Mellon provide plenty of outlets for students to make friends with shared interests. To encourage incoming students to meet others, README has compiled a list of some of …

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Snowman animated by rogue BME students

At 3 am on Wednesday, 12/05, a team of exhausted BME student researchers made a major leap in genetic engineering, by successfully animating a snowman. The snow creature – humanoid with rounded limbs, standing around four feet tall – is powered by the highly bioengineered carrot forming its ‘nose’. The …

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Auntie Readme’s: Answering REAL Questions Asked By REAL Freshmen

Welcome, freshmen, to the most prestigious institution this side of the Monongahela River! (And this side of the Allegheny as well, and the other side of Forbes, and the other other side of Schenley, and, well, you get the point.) Some of you are probably (understandably!) nervous about going to …

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The "Arrival" movie poster edited to feature spotted lanternflies.

It's Gone

2:33 PM

It’s the day before printing. Time to finally write that article the editor-in-chief keeps asking me for. Let me just check the pitch tracker to see what I’m supposed to write about… huh, it’s just a blank spot next to my name. That’s weird. Our secretary’s usually …

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Two similar sketches of the base of Walking to the Sky with Warner Hall in the background. In one image, a crushed piano has just landed on top of what is now a splatter of blood.

Read Me's Recipes from Last Night

The SCS:
• One Monster Energy Ultra White
• One Vanilla Yoplait
• Two shots of Raspberry Vodka

The Tepper:
• One shot of Blue Diamond
• One shot of Coffee Liqueur
• Coke Served with a silver spoon.

The “White Boy speaking a little Espanol”:
• …

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A Letter from the Editor

With Carnegie Mellon's tuition continuing to rise following the exponential function e(x) = fuck you, the amount of money that I can sink into readme is starting to dwindle. I've been trying to defraud several investors by promising good quality, funny content, but unfortunately, nobody has taken the bait yet.

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An image of Santa Claus captioned "Believe in Santa. How else can he believe in himself?"

A Letter from the Editor

It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread …

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CMU was always a social experiment

Carnegie Mellon. You all know the name – founded in 1900 with the supposed intention of being a “technical institution” where our “hearts are in the work.” These are all lies that you have been fed by Big Behavioralism, because we know the real reason that CMU was founded.

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An illustration of a Scotty dog pawing at the legs of someone who's just entered through a door.
An advertisement containing formal-looking serif text and an image of a Tartan reporter in a suit whose head has been digitally altered to appear smushed. It reads: "Are you a reader of the Tartan? No? We're not surprised! Read The Tartan if you hate: asking questions; independently verified claims; proofread work; anything other than interviews; proper kerning; ...AND MORE!" followed by a quote "After all, just because someone said it, doesn't mean it's true" (attributed to "that guy over there")

Readme: Sex Sells

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Opinion: Global Warming Can't Come Soon Enough

Have you ever gone outside and thought to yourself “Wow, it’s cold”? Likely not; that was a rhetorical question. However, if you were to hazard a venture outside right now, I imagine you would think that, and that makes us compatriots.

There seems to be a popular trend spread …

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REPORTS: CMU Nothing Like Jewish Sleepaway Camp

Freshman Ari Steinberg has spent every summer at Camp Ramah in New England since he was 9 years old, so he thought living in a traditional triple on the third floor of Mudge would be easy as alef, bet, gimel. And he was ready to survive a few weeks of …

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An email saying buggy rolls have moved to the Gates helix.

People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed

Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian …

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The Tartan requests $18,000 in Student Government funding

As a part of the Tartan's continuing efforts to be recognized as a serious news publication, it has recently selected several of its staffwriters as war correspondents. The decision process took the form of an involuntary nomination process followed by randomized selection, the very same system that CMU's admissions office …

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My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • King Charles III to consider castling • Child of prophecy destined from birth to attend CMU rejects fate • Seeing Walking to the Sky as boring as seeing photograph of Walking to the Sky, studies report • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election • Rest in Peace Buddy • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn • Why can't Israel and Pakistan just get along? • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool • Campus router upgrade ends in unexpected raw meat surprise • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is) • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • King Charles III to consider castling • Child of prophecy destined from birth to attend CMU rejects fate. • Seeing Walking to the Sky as boring as seeing photograph of Walking to the Sky, studies report. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election. • Rest in Peace Buddy • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn. • Why can't Israel and Pakistan just get along? • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool. • Campus router upgrade ends in unexpected raw meat surprise. • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is).