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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Wins Gold

By Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

By House Plant • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

CMU to host the Olympic Games

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) …

A Novel Approach to Union Busting

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Running a small business is hard. In today’s world full of soulless corporations, it is inspiring to see hardworking American families succeed in honest business ventures like buying out the competition and passing the result down to their children. Unfortunately, the world is often cruel to those with pure intentions. …

Readme Reviews: Wake Up Dead Man

By Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Father Judd was working alone in his study, doing religious things, and sitting in a mahogany chair. Suddenly the door opens. He smiled, happy to see a familiar face. “Ah! Blanc, how can I help you?” “Well you see uh Fathuh, I was just perusing my local Barnes and Noble …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Some wonder if this might be too much for one student. Others look for a class to fill in that pesky Friday lunch break

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Stop asking where I'm from

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

So I've just met you. Maybe we're standing in line for La Prima. Or we’re next to each other in recitation. Anyways, we're chatting casually. Name, year, major, and then you drop the question: "Where are you from?"

I'm sure you thought it was oh-so harmless. Just small talk. …

Evolution of Hetero Sapiens

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Up until the 1960s, the student body of Carnegie Mellon University consisted solely of gay men. Passionate academic rivalries and long nights in the lab together fostered a thriving homosexual population at CMU. De Fer ran out of iced coffee by 8:03 every morning, and the CMU Philharmonic played nothing …

Readme Responds to The Allegations

By Maximillian Bartholemow VIII • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Let it become beknownst to whomstever accused our collective of various “allegations”, that they are all factually incoherent and blatantly untrue. This response will be organized in the following format — an untrue statement made by an adversary, and our rebuttal.

“Readme will be responsible for various cases of …

A diagram of a cruise ship cabin with 16 silhoettes of people packed in in various uncomfortable configurations.

Optimal cruise ship packing found.

// Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

4 Hacks to get an extension

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

It’s that time of year again. You got nothing done over Thanksgiving Break, and if you’re one of those California “people” that go home for the holiday, then you’ve also managed to get enough exposure to above40degree weather to reverse whatever progress you have made building up a cold tolerance. …

readMe Assures Public: "Writers Are Irreplaceable; AI Would Never Take Over!"

By Chatman GuPerT • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

In an effort to address growing concerns over the role of artificial intelligence in journalism, readMe—a publication known for its groundbreaking reporting—has issued a heartfelt statement, firmly asserting its commitment to human writers. This comes amid speculation that the company's recent deployment of AI tools is not, I repeat, not …

Read Me's Recipes from Last Night

By Rock Buddy • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

The SCS:
• One Monster Energy Ultra White
• One Vanilla Yoplait
• Two shots of Raspberry Vodka

The Tepper:
• One shot of Blue Diamond
• One shot of Coffee Liqueur
• Coke Served with a silver spoon.

The “White Boy speaking a little Espanol”:
• …

Students Rush to Buy Sunscreen After Registering for CMU Africa

By Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

While the majority of students at CMU register for classes at CMU’s Pittsburgh campus, every year, several students accidently register for classes in CMU-Africa’s Rwanda campus without fail. Scotty’s Market and Entropy report a sunscreen shortage as students rush to buy sunscreen after being advised to prepare for a “warmer …

Scobell House Risks Facing Demolition for Multiple Violations of Pennsylvanian Law

By Sigmund Maille • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Scobell House is currently the only all-women dormitory at CMU, but this will soon cease to be the case. In the fall of 2023, this student residential building officially opened after being renovated and was converted from an all-male dormitory to an all-women dormitory. However, only two years after its …

2026 Winter Olympics set to debut Calvinball

By Alex Werth & Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Upon donations by mysterious benefactors, Calvinball is now part of the Winter Olympics. The following is an account of the first match, an embroiled battle between Botswana and Burkina Faso, as retold by an unnamed Calvinball aficionado watching from a safe distance.

GESLING STADIUM Students flocked to the arena …

Cobalt-60 rods labeled "drop and run", with radiation artifacts on the image.

If Celsius doesn't work, maybe this can fix me.

// Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Kirby's Adventure NES Review

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

If you’re a masochist looking for a reason to bash your head against a wall for five hours straight, then Kirby’s Adventure for the Nintendo Entertainment System is the game for you. This eldritch abomination of a video game is the sole reason my NES is currently shoved in a …

I'm going to punch you (John Lennon)

By Meat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Out walking
I’ve got a shovel
And a crow bar
And a copy of Catcher in the Rye
And my fists
I am going
Going to punch you

Like a priest
I move with holy purpose
Towards an asshole
Unlike the priest
Not in a sexual way
Though I …

Andrew Carnegie had the right idea

By Steve Tummler • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

People who know me in person may know that I am a man who wears underwear. But shopping for men's underwear feels really gay, because you have to like, look at lots of men in underwear. This is a problem, because I am very homophobic.

I considered wearing women's …

The Homosexual Conundrum

By Hom O. Gaylord • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Hello, fellow queers of Carnegie. Recently I have run into an issue that we have all experienced: too much gay sex. Just last week, I received trouble from this dreadful condition. As I was sashaying though campus, I noticed a poster for blood donation. Being a kind-hearted individual, I naturally …

The Grass is Greyer on the Other Side

By Jasmine Papino-Wood • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Carnegie Mellon University is a globally regarded institution. With one of the best computer science programs in the world, a booming arts scene, and plenty of ways to engage its students, it’s no wonder CMU has such a strong reputation. Not only is this school academically challenging, providing students with …

A "BIORAFT Certificate of Universal Completion," which recognizes completion of "Safety" and grants access to: midway without PPE, open-carrying in permit states, level four security clearance in the Pentagon, five free steam tunnel visits, access to diamond vault in Techspark casting room, and admittance to federal group chat (Signal Premium)

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

README experts analyze a game of Chess 2.0

By Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate throughout the seventeen and …

Silhouettes of a man with a CRT screen for a head and another man pointing guns at each other on Pausch bridge. It's captioned "explore Human-Computer Interaction at CMU."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Readme Missed Connections: Wean 5

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

It was roughly 12:30 pm, Tuesday, October 29th, and I was en route to Wean 7500 for my Mechanics lecture. I enter through Wean La Prima and take the stairs usually, however, I saw that one of the elevators called to go up just arrived at floor 5. The elevator …

Love Letters To README

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme

Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader

My Darling Reader, No pressure …

Untapped Niches in the U.S. Consumer Market

Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Dear reader, I have devoted countless hours over the course of years to rear these ideas; at this point, it is as if they were my children, as if I were giving you my children, and these are some of the finest idea children ever to have been brain birthed. …

CMU Student Senate clarifies fetal personhood policy

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

The Fence is a proud tradition in CMU's history, with a short and simple set of rules. One such rule is that so long as two people are "holding" the fence by staying within its encircling gravel pit, no others may lay claim to it.

This simplicity falls apart, …

A room with many tables with bowls of Matzah ball soup. A sign says "Eli's Bar Matzah"

Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

A "WANTED DEAD" poster for spotted lanternflies.

Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, AlQaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Rabbi hot?! • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Victim Escapes Samsara • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen • Strangely, CS student's grade performance lines up with Cursor billing cycle • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • 98304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • OpenAI introduces AI-powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, AlQaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Rabbi hot?! • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla. • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Victim Escapes Samsara. • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen. • Strangely, CS student's grade performance lines up with Cursor billing cycle • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks. • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident. • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • 98304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • OpenAI introduces AI-powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In