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Editors-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi, Greeshma Adiga

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

A Brave New World

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Anti-Oughtiplus Sex

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Halfpast hush, window rainrattled, the lampwick whispering made a little sun of her undone cuff. May I? Me: aye: wristward, thurstward, tictactile, hisher pulse and the twobeat beast becoming, tictactile. Grab!tation: now a conjugal third.

[He’s barely grabbed her wrist?! At this pace, we’ll need a second issue for …

Tales from Beyond Frick Park IX: Goodwill Hunting

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

I had never intended to be a wicked woman. Indeed, wickedness had always struck me as exhausting: between the disposal of bodies, conversations in loathsome cellars, and the obligation to remember which lies one has told which person, it’s a wonder anyone chooses to pursue it at all! My ambition …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Mar. K. O. • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

CMU student invests in classroom real estate

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 3, 2026

While most students are worried about saving money for their futures, Tepper student D. R. Hortonne has found a more innovative solution: investing in classroom space. “The economy is rough right now, and I’m not exactly interested in working in fast food, y’know?” said Hortonne in a recent interview. “I …

How to Spice Things Up in the Kitchen

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Is cooking just not as exciting as it used to be? Has your gas burner lost its spark? Around halfway through the semester, every upperclassman staying in their own apartment starts to get tired of making their own meals. You might think that there’s nothing new to explore, and that …

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Could Drunk Driving be Better than Sex? 7 good reasons (and 1 bad one)

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

One of the great tragedies of the human condition is that two of the most forbidden of sins are also the simplest pleasures of life: sex and drunk driving. But for one brief moment, allow me to let comparison be the thief of joy as I pit these iconic vices …

Cruella De Vil walking through an ornate door with a large grin. She's holding a cloth bag in front of her, about as tall as she is, which is dripping through at the bottom.

Ms. De Vil, leaving the furry orgy fashionably early

// Greeshma Adiga • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

I was on break :)

An honest review of this horrid, cursed magazine

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Somehow I have found myself as an editor for Readme. You start leaving a few grammar suggestions in peoples Google Docs and all the sudden they make you an editor. Being an editor for the premier comedy, satire, and news publication sounds glamorous, but in reality it is a hell …

Rat Authorities Ignore Human Infestation in Mudge

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 9, 2026

If you’re a rat in Carnegie Mellon University, you may love hanging around in many places—Darting around Hunt Library, sliding down Baker Hall, serving food at Yella’s, or being served as food at Yella’s. However, the largest and longest- standing safe haven for rats is undeniably Mudge House. Formed in …

Readme's production in decline due to Prohibition

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

The pervasive hum of the printing press putting out Readme’s weekly dreck has finally faltered. A well-meaning administrator, upon hearing the rumor the magazine runs on a 70/30 blend of grain alcohol and caffeine, initiated a campuswide effort to enforce the national ban on spirits. The goal was to improve …

A recreation of the OJ Simpson car chase image, but with a buggy and pusher instead of the white Bronco.

If only OJ had gone to CMU...

// Gavin Radford • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Low-quality image with a circle and arrow pointing at some indiscriminate pixels with the text "Cool Bird Spotted On Campus!!!"

Jonathan • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 9, 2026

Ethics final causes moderate ruckus

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Over the past few weeks, local shooting ranges have been seeing an increase in CMU student patronage. According to onsite readme reporters, a number of students are taking time out of their weekends to practice at the pistol range.

Many members of reAdme speculate that this may be related …

A Miracle Christmas Gift: Nearly-Perfect Finals

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Wednesday morning, students across CMU campus awoke to an incredible email resting in their inboxes: “You’re done with finals!”

Sent from a gibberish address, the messages contained only roughly-scanned notes written on sheet paper. In large looping cursive text and taped-on Polaroids, these letters told students that their last …

Beloved Football Chants At CMU

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

The Kiltie Marching Band wants blood. Despite, on paper, being the unassuming pep band for CMU’s respectable football team, firsthand experience brings out their reality; that the Kilties are a barely-restrained rabid mob. Observe the chants they call out at games, taunting the other team and wishing destruction upon them. …

I wrote this article while drunk

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It’s 2:17 AM. I’ve stumbled my way back to my dorm from some other person’s dorm. Don’t worry, their neighbors didn’t complain. Or, at least, we couldn’t hear any complaints. There’s vomit in the trash can and trash on the floor. The trash can is also on the floor. My …

Honey, hand my my ReadMe

By Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

A coupon offering "1 Free Advice" from Grey's Wingman Service (circa 2022).

Grey O'Hara • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

KGB Presents: BabyMe

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

A screenshot of a browser search history filled with "hot fbi agents," surrounded by pictures of FBI agents and hearts. "I know you can see my search history you know how badly I need this <3"

Meat • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Viva La Revolution

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

An ultrasound showing a crumpled up piece of newspaper.

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Rules are for fools

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

I saw Nasreddin walking from Doherty to Hammerschlag by way of Flagstaff Hill. “Nasreddin,” I said, “That route’s way too long. You should just go through Wean.” “Exactly, everyone will be taking the shortcut.”

One day, Nasreddin saw a sign on the Cut: KEEP OFF GRASS. He picked …

To My 8 A.M.s:

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Up! We are Up! I cheer myself to rise At the crack of seven-twenty, ‘Fore the sun has hit the skies,

On a wonderous new Monday, I’m triumphantly awake In sheer elation for the 8am that I – with no especially strong feelings – Take.

A truly magical …

A sketch of a worm saying "boy, I sure do love getting up early!", with a bird flying toward it in the background.

The early worm has a far less rosy outlook

// "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, AlQaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • POLLS: President May Be Elected • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • "Vore, vat is it good for?": New German single does not chart in the U.S • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, AlQaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude. • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • POLLS: President May Be Elected • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat. • "Vore, vat is it good for?": New German single does not chart in the U.S. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up. • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë.