“I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • I'm only going to be seeing one kind of Python this Valentine's day • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser. • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs. • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers. • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt. • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • I'm only going to be seeing one kind of Python this Valentine's day. • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar
![A quote attributed to Eric Adams in which he prophesizes his own mayorship on January 1st, 2022: "Thirty-something years ago, I woke up out of my sleep in a cold sweat. God spoke to my heart and said, 'you are going to be the mayor January 1, 2022.' And the message was clear. God stated, 'you cannot be silent, you must tell everyone you know.' I would go around the city, pastor, and I would tell everybody 'I'm gonna be mayor January 1, 2022.' People used to think I was on medication." [I checked, this is a genuine Eric Adams quote - rtosh]](/media/vol2/issue4/images/ericAdams_L25dkML.png)
!["Help find this nice Jewish boy a forever home!" [picture of a Scotty dog in a synagogue]](/media/vol3/issue5/images/njbad_W6su206.png)
![[TODO]](/media/vol4/issue3/images/giantkandahar_R8fOxcX.png)
