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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Wins Gold

By Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

First ever PI-Parent conferences

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

First ever PI-Parent conferences

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

Readme Wins Gold

By Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

House Plant • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Pittsburgh's Failing Water Infrastructure

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link; any system should be not judged by its ability to excel in ideal conditions, but rather in its performance under predictable yet adverse circumstances. This week’s blizzard has revealed severe issues within Pittsburgh’s public works sector. It is reasonable to …

Some wonder if this might be too much for one student. Others look for a class to fill in that pesky Friday lunch break

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Readme Reads the Paper

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Readme gets divorced

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

I am standing outside the Allegheny County Courthouse, where historic divorce proceedings are happening. Just moments ago, The Tartan showed up for emotional support for the reader. README does not look pleased, I wonder how this is going to play out.

10:06 AM

Readme’s lawyer has requested that …

NYC Renter SHOCKED by Spacious Booths

By Bridget McMahon • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Wednesday. 2:00 PM. Pittsburgh.

It was supposed to be a fun weekend getaway, but for 28-year-old Manhattan barista and renter John Novak, even a glimpse into the festive booths at Carnival turned into an existential crisis on the state of real estate.

“It was insane. I went in …

The "Arrival" movie poster edited to feature spotted lanternflies.

Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

18-100 to introduce larger toolkits

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

ECE freshman carrying black and yellow tool kits is an ever-popular sight on Carnegie Mellon’s campus. Originally introduced to publicly shame people for choosing ECE as a major, the tool kits cemented their place when the head TAs for 18-100 realized they could store lab materials within the tool kits. …

I Saw Mommy Kissing Scotty Dog

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Wow, mommy's kissing Scotty Dog
I saw mommy kissing Scotty Dog
Right beside the sweepstakes track last night
She didn't see me creep
Past the booths to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up in my dorm room, fast asleep

Then I saw mommy tickle Scotty …

Freshman Found Languishing from Consumption in Mudge Mansion

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

A freshman who shall henceforth be known as Patient X has recently contracted consumption from an unknown source. Experts suspect that Patient X lied on their consumption screening prior to move-in, but they have not yet found any evidence of such duplicity. Kept awake with chest pain at night, Patient …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Readme Gets Deployed

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Boeing attempted to bribe us $200,000 to not publish this article

By README • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

To My 8 A.M.s:

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Up! We are Up! I cheer myself to rise At the crack of seven-twenty, ‘Fore the sun has hit the skies,

On a wonderous new Monday, I’m triumphantly awake In sheer elation for the 8am that I – with no especially strong feelings – Take.

A truly magical …

Commonly Asked Dinner Q's

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Whenever you bring home a new loved one for dinner, it’s inevitable that your parents will ask you questions about them. Bringing home your new copy of ReadMe is no different. Today we will discuss some of the questions you can anticipate will be asked of you and your new …

Optimal Conditions for Black Mold Farming

By Dr. Et Al. & John Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Abstract

Black mold (Stachybotrys chartarum) is a fungus known to grow in apartment buildings rented out to college students by slum lords. This phenomenon is usually absent from buildings with proper ventilation systems, begging the question: how could black mold be grown in a dorm room? Many of the …

"Are exams fucking you over? Fuck them back!" [box of Viagra]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Candidates for a 51st State

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

In this review, we’re going to be analyzing potential candidates to annex our great country to add as our 51st American state. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with BlackRock buying the Panama Canal and Microsoft acquiring yet another acre of old-growth redwood forest to build another data center. As …

Readme Missed Connections: Wean 5

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

It was roughly 12:30 pm, Tuesday, October 29th, and I was en route to Wean 7500 for my Mechanics lecture. I enter through Wean La Prima and take the stairs usually, however, I saw that one of the elevators called to go up just arrived at floor 5. The elevator …

Novel Methods of Preventing Wasteful Elevator Use at CMU

By Dr. Et Al., John Jahanian, Wade Cheng • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Introduction

When John Elevator first unveiled elevators at the Chicago World Fair in Des Moines IA, 1462, the technology immediately garnered worldwide adoption. Buildings could access untold verticality once the ascension of hundred-floor constructions was no longer bounded by the feeble power of human muscle and bone, but …

CMU Cancelled, Go Home

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Well it was worth a shot. Welcome to hell, Nerds!

Making Money on Campus

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

The unfortunate financial situation you’re in is not uncommon among new students. You may have managed to get into CMU — yippee! — but you had to give up your life savings and right arm in order to pay tuition. While Valentine’s Day will never be the same with the …

First ever PI-Parent conferences

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

An infographic about "the power of 'yet'", which includes the following statements: "I'm not depressed...yet!", "I'm not failing...yet!", "I'm not broke...yet!", "I'm not burned out...yet!", "I'm not forever alone...yet!", "I'm not a virgin...yet!", and "I'm not a cs major...yet!"

Citron • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

A title saying "Concepts debuts new 'Converse' shoe", followed by pictures of shoes labeled "p -> q" and "q -> p" on a background of mathematical sample text.

The Mathematics Department is hoping that these "sick new kicks" will make Concepts of Mathematics the new "it class" for stylish students.

// "Tyan Rosh" & Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Eshaan calls Pinkertons on striking readme staff

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

On September 3rd, 2024, the staff of the student-run newspaper “readme”, serving Tartans true and peer-reviewed news since 2024, decided to go on strike in an unprecedented display of resentment towards Eshaan Joshi, CEO of said newspaper. This strike happened after months of attempted negotiations with Mr. Joshi over payment, …

A target labeled "use this square to swat bugs."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

O-Week Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read …

Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Demolition Company breaks up married couple • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn. • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Demolition Company breaks up married couple. • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs. • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation