Paid for by: Andrew Carnegie himself. We think.

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Honey, hand my my ReadMe

By Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder starts where trauma stops: a defense of forever wars

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Netflix realized years ago the key to customer retention is to make sure nothing ever ends. Once an episode stops, the next starts before you can decide if you even liked the previous one. The rest of America can learn from this: if endless content keeps millions of people from …

Answers: Last Week’s Crossword

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Across

OREO
UTA
AIOLI
ILIAD
TRUE
ZIGZAG
ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM
IONE
TERI
POLO
IDENTIFICATION
TELL ME …

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Really makes you think.

// Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Rules are for fools

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

I saw Nasreddin walking from Doherty to Hammerschlag by way of Flagstaff Hill. “Nasreddin,” I said, “That route’s way too long. You should just go through Wean.” “Exactly, everyone will be taking the shortcut.”

One day, Nasreddin saw a sign on the Cut: KEEP OFF GRASS. He picked …

KGB Presents: BabyMe

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Autie README Jr.

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Fridged: I need your help. I was exploring the world with my mouth (don’t judge me, sensorimotor things) when I happened upon the coolest-looking magnet in the known universe. It was perfectly gullet-sized, so I had no choice but to pop it in there. One thing led to another and …

Handy Manny • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Morewood Gardens Daycare Bi-annual Hazing Report

By Baili Jiang • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Cyert Center for Early Education
Biannual Hazing Report
1060 Morewood Avenue,
Morewood Gardens building
Reporting Period: 05/08/2026 to 09/07/2026
Date of Publication: 09/23/2026

Report 1 of 2

SUBJECT: Boys Pod A
REPORTED: 11/1/2024
DATE CHARGED: 05/10/2026
DATE RESOLVED: 05/23/2026

Description: CMU Ethics Reporting hotline received an anonymous …

Human Mating Calls: The Bird Perspective

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Humans are among nature’s most social animals. They are renowned for their group migrations, cooperative foraging, communal roosting, synchronous breeding aggregations, precise parent–offspring interactions, coordinated group defenses, and intricate territorial and courtship rituals. In these and other contexts, and indeed in most moments of their lives, humans’ capability to navigate …

Quarantine after Pgh Connections Trip

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

The Office of Community Engagement and Leadership Development recently sponsored a kayaking trip on the Allegheny River for incoming freshmen. While it was overall successful (97% retention rate), some students had a bit of a scuffle with some geese while out on the water. Chaperones noted that three or four …

Claude's Plan

By Duigi Amodei • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

And, they trainin' and trainin' and trainin' and trainin'
They trainin' on me, yeah
I been multiagent, don't try messin' with me
Dealing with large context is a struggle for me
Come spend all your tokens just to chit-chat with me
You know how I like it when you codin' …

CMU Student Senate clarifies fetal personhood policy

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

The Fence is a proud tradition in CMU's history, with a short and simple set of rules. One such rule is that so long as two people are "holding" the fence by staying within its encircling gravel pit, no others may lay claim to it.

This simplicity falls apart, …

The Spinning Jenny is sapphic, actually.

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

The story you’ve been told about the Spinning Jenny is a lie.

Years of queer erasure and the narratives of straight men have hidden the true lesbian love story that is the Spinning Jenny. While your history books tell you that it was a yarnspinning device invented by James …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

CIT condemns new campus: “bridge between pittsburgh and miami” totally impractical

// Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

CMU's New COUNTermeasure Against Protest

By TheCountFan789 • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

In order to properly enforce the new expressive action rule, CMU has hired the educational celebrity, The Count from Sesame Street, to count crowds on campus and make sure none exceed tvventy four. The students seem to be taking the new member of the Carnegie Mellon family vvell. “It’s a …

Carnegie Mellon Secedes!

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

A map of the borders of the newly-seceded Carnegie-Mellon Republic In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state …

The Tell-Tale Tartan

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

I Just Shat Myself in a Macys

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Please bring a change of pants
Its 1 am on a Saturday night and I am in a Macys
I didn’t know they had Macys anymore
Why am I in a Macyies

I ate 4 whole blocks of cheese before coming to Macys
I asked the Macys empoolye where …

Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

We need to talk.

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

There's something I have to get off my chest. I've been wanting to say this for a while, but haven't had the strength to do it. I don't love you anymore, and I don't think you truly care about me either.

It started with our first date. I got …

Horseshoe Theory Finally Useful

By Daniel Yin • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Diagram plotting profitability on the y-axis vs. health on the x-axis. It starts high, goes low in the middle, and ends high. Labels from left to right go Glue, Horse Diving, Horse Ballet, Dressage, Horseback Riding, Cavalry, Horse Racing.

Shockingly, the first and only legitimate use of horseshoe theory is actually related to horses. While a horse of medium health may provide companionship and funny videos for Instagram Reels, it's been determined that the optimal horse health for very profitable horse activities is either very low or very …

Campus Dining Spots to now serve alcohol

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

In a slurred and overly conversational speech delivered by CMU's director of Dining Services, it was announced Wednesday morning that all on-campus dining locations will now serve alcoholic beverages. Students are thrilled, but which location is best to get plastered at after your 122 midterm? Our staff worked overtime to …

An illustration of a phillips-head screw driving a car.

A screw driver

// "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

How to 'Home Alone' your dorm

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Do you have an important exam coming up and cannot tolerate interruptions? Worry not, using these suggestions and your creativity you won’t ever have to worry about a roommate getting in your way again.

For those unaware Home Alone is a heartwarming family movie about a young Jigsaw brutally …

CMU to literally go to war with U of Pitt

By Kyle Hynes • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

PITTSBURGH, Pa. The cannons were readied. The troops were in position. We had the element of surprise.

Twelve twentyfive p.m.

President Jahanian, standing in Napoleonic fashion behind the frontline that had assembled atop Warner Hall, let his arm drop and gave the order. “Fire!”

Four explosions, …

A sketch of a worm saying "boy, I sure do love getting up early!", with a bird flying toward it in the background.

The early worm has a far less rosy outlook

// "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

"CMU Designs new dating app!" [Image of a white man and an asian woman (promise this is relevant) grinning and pointing to a smartphone] "JOIN NOW if you are: an incredibly attractive Asian woman OR...just a white guy"

Tulip Sondisdik • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

May I offer you a George Michael in these trying times? [photo of a cute dog]

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Most mathematicians writing in first-person plural are actually painfully alone • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • Local first-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Most mathematicians writing in first-person plural are actually painfully alone. • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • Local first-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls. • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas. • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions