Paid for by: The Charlotte Corday Is Innocent Committee
KGB Presents: readme
Editors-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi, Greeshma Adiga
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

A Brave New World


Stealing at Stack'd: A Guide

Stack’d Underground is, on most nights, a thriving center of off duty student activity. Many regular joes are here to grab a quick bite or chat with their classmates. But for enterprising CMU students like me and you, this is also the perfect opportunity to make a quick dime without …

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Tales from Beyond Frick Park IX: Goodwill Hunting

I had never intended to be a wicked woman. Indeed, wickedness had always struck me as exhausting: between the disposal of bodies, conversations in loathsome cellars, and the obligation to remember which lies one has told which person, it’s a wonder anyone chooses to pursue it at all! My ambition …

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Read Me's Recipes from Last Night

The SCS:
• One Monster Energy Ultra White
• One Vanilla Yoplait
• Two shots of Raspberry Vodka

The Tepper:
• One shot of Blue Diamond
• One shot of Coffee Liqueur
• Coke Served with a silver spoon.

The “White Boy speaking a little Espanol”:
• …

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It's Gone

2:33 PM

It’s the day before printing. Time to finally write that article the editor-in-chief keeps asking me for. Let me just check the pitch tracker to see what I’m supposed to write about… huh, it’s just a blank spot next to my name. That’s weird. Our secretary’s usually …

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README buys Farnam's Hair? Cost of CMU Leader's Locks

CMU President Farnam Jahanian with hair reminiscent of Elvis Presley's

In the days following README's bankruptcy, many questions have arisen, such as "how,” "why,” and "what's the difference between a marmot and a gopher.” The answer to at least two of these questions has recently come to light: Farnam's hair. It is still unclear why the hair of CMU's …

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Students Rush to Graduate as End of World Looms

DECEMBER 20, 2012 - While CMU students have always tried to graduate in less than 8 semesters, only the quickly approaching demise of all life on Earth could incentivize even the most burnt out underachievers to get their degree before spring. Despite astronomers’ insistence that Sagittarius A* is too far …

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Autie README Jr.

Fridged: I need your help. I was exploring the world with my mouth (don’t judge me, sensorimotor things) when I happened upon the coolest­-looking magnet in the known universe. It was perfectly gullet­-sized, so I had no choice but to pop it in there. One thing led to another and …

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18-100 to introduce larger toolkits

ECE freshman carrying black and yellow tool kits is an ever-popular sight on Carnegie Mellon’s campus. Originally introduced to publicly shame people for choosing ECE as a major, the tool kits cemented their place when the head TAs for 18-100 realized they could store lab materials within the tool kits. …

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A 3-panel comic. In the first panel, one person says "wanna come see a cool feature of my dorm?". Another person labeled "oblivious freshman" says "sure!". in the second panel, the first person opens a door labeled with a biohazard sign, and the freshman is shown with a confused question-mark sign. The third panel depicts a shower curtain covered in black mold. The upperclassman asks "aren't you excited for CMU housing?", to which the freshman replies "wtf".
An advertisement containing formal-looking serif text and an image of a Tartan reporter in a suit whose head has been digitally altered to appear smushed. It reads: "Are you a reader of the Tartan? No? We're not surprised! Read The Tartan if you hate: asking questions; independently verified claims; proofread work; anything other than interviews; proper kerning; ...AND MORE!" followed by a quote "After all, just because someone said it, doesn't mean it's true" (attributed to "that guy over there")

Grandma's Secret Recipes, Volume 167

Sweet Surprise Chili 2 lbs ground beef 1 lb venison, fresh 2 cans red tomatoes (none of those damn other colors) 1 can sweet corn kernels 1 pack bacon 1 carton steel nails (add rust for flavor) ½ carton milk 2 tbsp garlic salt 2 tbsp lard

Melt lard …

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I swear to god I'm stalking you platonically

Look, there's no easy way to say this, and I've thought a lot about how I want to introduce myself. I just wanted to send this to clear things up.

As I'm sure you've noticed, I've been stalking you for some time now. I know you might think I'm …

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Students assign professors work in novel education plan

It is clear that CMU students are overwhelmed by unnecessary, unrealistic, unfathomable, unfashionable amounts of schoolwork assigned to them every day. A new policy has just entered into testing by the lab of Dr. Et Al, and has shown remarkable results in regards to student-professor relations.

This policy grants …

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A Letter from the Editor

readme was nominated for several dozen awards over the last week, including several "Best News Source" awards for their coverage of the War in Vietnam. Unfortunately, after the Pullitzer committee discovered the Vietnam War ended in the 70s, and readme was just two asian guys in the UC at 4 …

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README Found to be Plagiarizing the Tartan

Have you noticed an increase in the quality of README’s articles recently? That’s no accident. You might think it’s because our staff is getting more experienced at writing satire legitimate news, right? NO!

We in the editing staff felt a strange sense of familiarity while reading over our previous …

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I wrote this article while sober

We the twenty two ago, in order to psshhh. I just think that we’d be good together, ya know. Like like as friends. It's fine I gotta catch the bus. The bus! I’m gonna walk walk away. Ring around the rosy. Cool. Cool. It’s fine. I’m just gonna lie down. …

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Am I the bazonkle?

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

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A MadLibs in which you write your own readme review.
An advertisement with a picture of a shark in a formal suit. The top reads "want your student loans to sleep with the fishes? Call 1-800-LOAN-SHARK now!". The bottom has long fine print with ridiculous terms.

Readme's Moderately Late Guide to Choosing your Freshman Dorm

As a freshman, freshwoman, or fresh non-binary person, part of your experience will be to live in one of CMU’s 13 premium housing options or Donner House. Without further ado, here’s Readme’s guide to everything you wish you’d known when you’d ranked your housing choices. We’d have published this article …

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Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Remember to tip your TAs! • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Strip club entirely bereft of copper wire • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • "I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Readme to hire "last editor it will ever need." • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Remember to tip your TAs! • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Strip club entirely bereft of copper wire • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • "I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Readme to hire "last editor it will ever need." • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary.