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All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

'Bertram' "Bertie" (Wilberforce) Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

We're broke

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My cat is an asshole

By Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Yes, you read that right. My adorable, sweet, old-lady cat is a fucking asshole. Ever since the day we adopted her, my home has never known peace. She’s a smart asshole too. Early on, she discovered the miracle contraption known as a “window”. What did she do with this …

SHOCKING: Roman Republic only 2600 years away from nuclear capability

By 'Bertram' "Bertie" (Wilberforce) Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

In a revelation sending shockwaves through the complex, community-destroying, complex-destroying military-industrial community-complex complex, a new study warns that the ancient civilization of Rome may be far closer to nuclear capability than previously believed.

The authors of the report caution that 2600 years is not as distant as it sounds. …

Last Rites: The Final Words of a Student Trapped in Gates

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

ReadMe’s most dedicated journalists have recently discovered a letter at the bottom of a Rohr Cafe – La Prima coffee cup, believed to be written by a student who never made it out of the Gates and Hillman centers. Out of respect for this fallen student, we have decided to …

EADME CIME EPOT

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

We have so much debt. As such, I have to use a typewite that’s missing a few keys. How will this cut costs and pay off the debt? No idea.

Phishing Scam A massive phishing scam was sent out by a compomised student oganization to 960 and 100 students …

Pittsburgh GrubHub Driver Diaries

By Iman Imigran • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Day 1:

Hello, diary! Today is my first day driving for GrubHub! To be honest, I didn’t really know what to expect, since I’m so new to the area and haven’t really spoken to anyone yet. For that reason, I wanted to stay more downtown so I’d have more …

A quiz labeled "Am I Austistic Quiz" with the subtitle "Find out now for free!" It has three questions: "What's your name?", "What's your date of birth?", and "Do you have autism?" (with options A and B for yes and no respectively). At the bottom, upside down text says "Key: Did you mostly select 'A'? You're autistic! Did you mostly select 'B'? Chances are you're not autistic."

100% Accurate Autism test

// John Autism • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Jewish Space Lasers are SDC's newest buggy strategy

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Last week during rolls, SDC buggy unveiled their newest buggy: Greed. The new design features a shorter body and lower ceiling, as well as a front mounted laser cannon. Upon questioning by ReadmE on what the purpose of this laser was, SDC merely responded that it was classified. However, …

A Monopoly Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card with the text "KGB Official Card / Surprise Sick Day / Get Out of Class Free"

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

CaPS announces new mental health app

By Dr. Dee Pression • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

The CaPS Division of Student Affairs has published an announcement for a new mental health app this week. The brand new application, available sometime within the next two months, comes after a conclusive study done by Dr. Et Al on the happiness of students on campus. The study, titled “Carnegie …

All my Jewish Friends say the most antisemitic things

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

As someone who isn’t Jewish, I have not been involved in the production of the ReadMe Passover Issue. But even if it’s not my place, I would just like to say something. And I swear, it isn’t because it’s written by Jewish people. I have nothing against the Jewish people. …

An image of Santa Claus captioned "Believe in Santa. How else can he believe in himself?"

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Tarring and Feathering: The Skincare Hack You've Never Heard Of

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been living through crazy times. Every piece of news from the town crier spikes your cortisol, disgusting soldiers keep asking to sleep with you, and herbal teas have become STUPIDLY expensive. (Seriously, girls. You might as well throw your money in the Boston Harbor.)

…

A Lamborghini ad showing a positive trend between employee wages and satisfaction next to a picture of an office worker in front of a Lamborghini. The bottom reads "the choice is yours."

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

SCOTUS strikes down law banning academic weapons in school zones

By 'Bertram' "Bertie" (Wilberforce) Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

In a landmark 54 decision, the Supreme Court struck down the Weapons-Free School Zones Act of 1990, ruling it unconstitutional and finding in favor of plaintiff Alfonso Lopez, a student previously deemed an “academic weapon.” Congress’s argument was best encapsulated by Solicitor General Days’s impassioned defense:

The unchecked proliferation …

A word search in the wingdings emoji font.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

An Open Letter to CaPS

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

It’s that time of year again: Finals Week. Soon, classes will end and the excitement of the end of the semester will kick in. By excitement, I mean, absolute panic. Panic about failing exams, panic about failing classes, panic about your mom’s weird boyfriend at Christmas dinner. With this exciting …

Everyone I date becomes lesbian

By Coward • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Hi, for the past two years, I have been unable to find love due to a stupid curse and I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me.

It all started a year or two ago when I had my first date. I thought it went well and …

SCANDAL AT CMU: The SECRET Behind ANSYS Hall's Weight Gain

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Exclusive! The dedicated journalists of ReadMe news have been carefully following ANSYS Hall the past few weeks. As one of the youngest buildings at Carnegie Mellon, it has a lot to live up to. Completed in 2019, ANSYS is one of the hottest buildings on campus. It’s outfitted with large …

Readme Goes to Shul

By B • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

4 Hacks to get an extension

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

It’s that time of year again. You got nothing done over Thanksgiving Break, and if you’re one of those California “people” that go home for the holiday, then you’ve also managed to get enough exposure to above40degree weather to reverse whatever progress you have made building up a cold tolerance. …

A library card which has "WHORE" written on it in scratchy lettering.

README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Student Dies of Autoerotic Asphyxiation on Donner Swings

By Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

PITTSBURGH, PA In a first-of-its-kind incident for CMU, a student has passed away from asphyxiation by autofellatio, otherwise known as a “self suck incident.” Eyewitnesses report that late Thursday night, the victim approached the playground swings in the Donner Ditch, pulled their pants down, and proceeded to assume a position …

A crossword with some suspicious ingredients.

Jacobi Edge • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

The Man, The Myth, The Farnam

By Coward • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Hey you, did you know that Carnegie Mellon University has its very own version of Superman? A larger-than life guy so essential to campus life whether social, financial, sexual, or academic? A man so powerful he can bend steel beams with his own two hands? A man who can safely …

Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020 • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games • Confidential: Exam answers revealed to student in Hunan noodles • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Kanye up to something • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude. • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020. • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games. • Confidential: Exam answers revealed to student in Hunan noodles • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Kanye up to something • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation