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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme: Sex Sells

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

What is Sex? An Investigative Account

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, …

What is Sex? An Investigative Account

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

The REAL and UNADULTERATED TRUTH about Spring Break

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Hello readers of this esteemed magazine. I come to you with the TRUTH about Spring Break. I must write quickly before they find me. I’m not supposed to be telling you this…

This semester I enrolled in 15-451, a simple algorithms course to fulfill my SCS requirements. In the …

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Viva La Revolution

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Auntie ReadMe’s: How To Participate In Carnival Traditions

By Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Well, it’s really a shame that I died under “mysterious circumstances” the week before Carnival, because dying kind of sucks and there are several Carnival traditions that center it, such as “the crucifixion of every member of the losing booth orgs on their leftover pieces of wood.” That’s okay though, …

Small European Town Actually Not At All Romantic

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

This past summer, Carnegie Mellon ran its annual language immersion program in Italy. For the first time, the program was held in the small Italian town of Cappuccinovecchio, right between that place you forgot from tenth grade history class and that place you forgot from eleventh grade history class. In …

Ranking CMU's presidents

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Arthur A. Hamerschlag (1903–1922): As Carnegie Tech's first president, Hamerschlag was a visionary. He oversaw the school's transition from a trade school for young people in industry to a four-year college, which is widely regarded as a mistake. Despite overseeing CMU's original sin, he Hammed his Schlag so hard that …

President Eisenhower warns America how fucking cool the Military Industrial Complex will be

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

This past Monday morning of the wonderful current year of nineteen fifty I can’t be bothered to look up the right year, President Dwight Destructenator Eisenhower stepped onto the stage at a 9 a.m. press conference and chugged from his liter of vodka as he prepared to give his most …

Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

A "DIY 2-player word search" on a 3x3 grid with words including XXX and OOO.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

The secret dark reality of ChatGPT

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Much to the dismay of educators around the globe, the popularity of Artificial Intelligence, or AI, has exploded over the past year. Millions of prompts are sent every day to OpenAI’s groundbreaking chatbot ChatGPT. Carnegie Mellon’s students in particular have quickly latched on to this new way to avoid their …

"Merry Christmas from Meat the Intern!" [Image of Meat lying in a hospital bed covered almost completely in bandages] Speech bubbles above Meat read: "It's me, Meat! I'm doing fine after last week's incident! The FBI is lying to you!" and "I, Meat, make this statement of my own free will*". A note in the corner reads "9 out of 10 doctors declare this man alive."

Meat • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

A picture looking up at Walking to the Sky captioned "you're almost there!"

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Help Wanted: Password Guesses

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

A check made out from the Make-A-Wish Foundation to readMe Incorporated for $400,000, with a memo identifying it as being for "releasing the children unharmed" As all of you astute readers are likely aware of by this point, your favorite factual news source readMe is going through a mild financial crisis. Luckily, readMe was always aware of this possibility, and four years ago the editor stored a nest egg(courtesy of a friendly local business), just …

A recreation of the OJ Simpson car chase image, but with a buggy and pusher instead of the white Bronco.

If only OJ had gone to CMU...

// Gavin Radford • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Taste-testing Messiahs

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Pretty often now, we'll have these bearded fucks wander into the temple telling us they're the savior we were promised. They like to wash people's feet (a little too much honestly), and go on and on about the true spirit of the holidays, until someone rich bothers to have them …

Readme Gets Deployed

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Undergrad Senate Exposed for Really Craving Wingstop

By Stella Cedar & Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

PITTSBURGH, PA

(Whis L. Blower)

In a shocking turn of events this past Tuesday, the Undergraduate Student Senate, a committee of 38 seemingly famished individuals, has been secretly indulging themselves in oodles of the most mediocre fried chicken known to mankind. Now you, reader, might be asking, "Whoa …

Poetry Corner

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Chuck Schumer’s Glasses
Chuck Schumer’s Glasses
Precariously perched
Tilted and tepid
How does he look up?
Or straight forward?
Or in any direction that isn’t at a 60 degree angle?
Left with many questions
I seek
No answers
Just Chuck

Fiddler on the Roof
Without traditions
Our …

Researchers discover brief existence of Marnegie Cellon

By Greeshma • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Scientists have been studying unusual patterns of molecules in space for decades now, which tend to be artifacts of well-known universal phenomena, like supernovas.

However, one of the latest studies of these molecular “fingerprints” has yielded a result far more surprising than anyone could have ever imagined: A specific …

Argumentative Essay

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

In this course, I (along with my peers) have developed fundamental skills in argumentation—both the synthesis and analysis of argument, and its application in a modern context. In this essay, I have been asked to take a side on one of the most controversial issues in today's America, and to …

An honest review of this horrid, cursed magazine

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Somehow I have found myself as an editor for Readme. You start leaving a few grammar suggestions in peoples Google Docs and all the sudden they make you an editor. Being an editor for the premier comedy, satire, and news publication sounds glamorous, but in reality it is a hell …

Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

"READ ME presents: Tear-Off Universal Final Cheat Sheets™ (Patent Pending) © ®" [a rectangle with 16 pages of illegibly dense text, surrounded by dashed tear lines]

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

"The reality of being a safety icon: documenting the lives of those who save ours. In theaters April 1st." [many illustrations of stickmen getting drunk, snorting substances, stumbling around, and so on]

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

The Bill of Commandments

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Everyone can agree that America is currently in a time of crisis. People refuse to help their neighbors simply because they posted a questionable take on the town Facebook page. Political violence runs rampant — yesterday at the grocery store, a guy flicked off my “Don’t Tread On Me” …

Best clubs for returning freshmen

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

For freshmen moving away from home for the first time, making new friends can seem daunting. However, the 350+ clubs at Carnegie Mellon provide plenty of outlets for students to make friends with shared interests. To encourage incoming students to meet others, README has compiled a list of some of …

CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Statue of Liberty deported • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party a guide • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • King Charles III to consider castling • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • Remember to tip your TAs! • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Statue of Liberty deported. • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party a guide. • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • King Charles III to consider castling • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • Remember to tip your TAs! • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video