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All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Rejected

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

My Love Affair with Raymond John Wean

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Dear Reader,

It started as most romances do, with a meet-cute in a coffee shop. La Prima Espresso at the entrance of Wean Hall has always been one of my favorite places to grab a drink between my life-threatening engineering classes, but I had no idea just how important …

Triamgle Mightmare

By Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

I woke up last night, sweaty from a nightmare of a different world. A different world that made me more scared than I’ve ever been before.

Sine was called sime. Cosine was called cosime. Tangent was called tamgent. In fact, all of trigonometry was called trigomometry. I feared for my …

What is Sex? An Investigative Account

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, …

Could Drunk Driving be Better than Sex? 7 good reasons (and 1 bad one)

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

One of the great tragedies of the human condition is that two of the most forbidden of sins are also the simplest pleasures of life: sex and drunk driving. But for one brief moment, allow me to let comparison be the thief of joy as I pit these iconic vices …

Novel research indicates possible weakly positive correlation between alcohol and drunkenness

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Prior work has extensively characterized the social, physiological, and psychological effects of alcohol consumption; however, the direct relationship between alcohol and drunkenness remains underexplored. A survey of prior research finds that all studies presume a positive correlation, despite no papers establishing this, revealing a significant flaw in the literature.

…

Kill Phil

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

The average lifespan of marmota momax, the common groundhog, is 2 to 3 years. That is 2 to 3 years too long. I don’t remember what that fuckass rodent said or did back in February, but whether that little prick saw his shadow or not is really irrelevant to …

Evil Careers for those in the Arts (Oh, and the Humanities)

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Every freshman comes to CMU with the same dream. They may have different passions, but when they stand up at convocation, each one has the same thought in their mind: my very own Faustian contract is just around the corner. Unfortunately, achieving this dream is easier for some than it …

Chemger Games winners threaten double suicide, sequels cancelled

By Rock Buddy • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

It has been an action-packed day for the Chemger Games. Contestants from every corner of campus have embarked on the perilous journey to reach the Mellon Institute, with many dying from exhaustion before ever reaching the godforsaken building. Of those who remained, drama was omnipresent. Who could forget the unforgettable …

A Very Readme Christmas

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Modern technology comes for us all

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Dr. Wittol requires little introduction, though he insists on one out of modesty. Indeed, one suspects he would have no objection to being introduced twice, thrice, or even into perpetuity, provided there were brief pauses for applause. A couple’s therapist, he was a modern Cupid, winged by the arms of …

What happens if you stay up late in Gates 8?

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

I am a fan of Gates 8. It's high up with a gorgeous view of campus, but not too high. It's quiet, but just noisy enough that you know it's safe. Sometimes I hear a skittering I can't quite place. I study, I play games, sometimes I just read …

Readme Sells Out

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

A 3-panel comic. In the first panel, one person says "wanna come see a cool feature of my dorm?". Another person labeled "oblivious freshman" says "sure!". in the second panel, the first person opens a door labeled with a biohazard sign, and the freshman is shown with a confused question-mark sign. The third panel depicts a shower curtain covered in black mold. The upperclassman asks "aren't you excited for CMU housing?", to which the freshman replies "wtf".

Based on a true-ish story.

// Ethan Sterkeson • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

CMU Takes Position on Gates Divorce

By "Tyan Rosh" & Archibald The Great • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

In August of 2021, Bill Gates and Melinda French Gates got a divorce after 27 years of profitable marriage. While the couples' finances have since been settled, CMU has quietly ignored a brewing custody battle over the Gates' favorite child: the Gates-Hillman Center.

While the 9-story building was conceived …

"HELP WANTED: Looking for help moving a large shipment of 122 homework keys. Must be discrete and good at withstanding torture. Will discuss pay upon arrival."

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

TSA-TSA Mixup Causes Dangerous Situation

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Recently, a mixup occurred on CMU's campus at a recruiting event for the Transportation Security Administration, the agency responsible for securing air travel to, from, and within the United States. The event was booked for the Danforth Lounge, for 6 PM on Sunday. But in the neighboring Danforth Conference Room, …

Top 10 Milkable things on campus

By Tack Layshun • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Thirsty? Good. You read the headline. You know what you’re here for.

Number 10: The Doherty-100 automatic water bottle filler. Mechanically speaking, positioning your receptacle under a dedicated drink-dispensing orifice qualifies as milking. Viscerally, it does not quite scratch the milking itch – but it is a worthy introduction …

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Scotty Dog Cheating, Martha Is Speechless!

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Once again, the cheating allegations cannot escape Scotty Dog who was seen leaving Schenley Park with Clifford the Big Red Dog in photos posted to X and Reddit by Paparazzi. However it seems these allegations are not just allegations as videos were taken of Clifford kissing Scotty Dog. Scotty Dog’s …

[Picture of a dog in a santa hat] "George Michael wishes you a Very Readme Christmas!"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

A MadLibs in which you write your own readme review.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Zoning Dispute Leaves Carnegie Mellon With a Broken Fence and Broken Heart

By Benner Rogers & Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

An unknown, century-long zoning conflict between Carnegie Mellon and the city of Pittsburgh has recently come to light in a particularly destructive way: the Fence, a CMU tradition harking back to the early days of the university, is to be demolished next Wednesday.

On November 31, 2023, municipal …

This Week In Bears

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Crime continues to plague our CMU campus, even as we approach winter break. In this case, our loyal reporters have followed the crumb trail to a pair of menaces doing suspicious activity around campus for the past weeks.

Camper Crushers Take to Unicycles

Two bears have recently joined …

A chess board in the starting position captioned "Puzzle 1: mate in 34."

Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Readme Travel Blog: Honeymoon Edition!

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

EXCLUSIVE: Readme has shared moments from their honeymoon with the Reader at a mysterious island getaway (Readme is on the run from the authorities for alleged “terrorism” in last week’s issue). The two used a private paper airplane to hop between exciting destinations around the world such as [redacted] and …

A Pokemon-style "Who's that buggy?" poster with an outline of a buggy.

Covellite Dove • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

2026 Winter Olympics set to debut Calvinball

By Alex Werth & Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Upon donations by mysterious benefactors, Calvinball is now part of the Winter Olympics. The following is an account of the first match, an embroiled battle between Botswana and Burkina Faso, as retold by an unnamed Calvinball aficionado watching from a safe distance.

GESLING STADIUM Students flocked to the arena …

BREAKTHROUGH: Man Crushed by Falling Piano, Killed by Banana Peel

By Gavin Radford • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

(CMU) - In 1945, one J. Robert Oppenheimer oversaw the first detonation of a nuclear weapon, and for decades thereafter the institution of physical sciences was seen for what it is: a dominant force of the universe surpassing human confines, and one of the great sciences, a real science, ethically …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

readme was nominated for several dozen awards over the last week, including several "Best News Source" awards for their coverage of the War in Vietnam. Unfortunately, after the Pullitzer committee discovered the Vietnam War ended in the 70s, and readme was just two asian guys in the UC at 4 …

What is MIT

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

To most of us, "MIT" stands for one thing, and one thing only: an overused BSD-style software license. But in a suburb of Boston, a little-known private university known as Massachusetts Institute of Technology has been racking up accolades at an impressive rate, sparking curiosity among CMU students and faculty.

…

Beloved Football Chants At CMU

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

The Kiltie Marching Band wants blood. Despite, on paper, being the unassuming pep band for CMU’s respectable football team, firsthand experience brings out their reality; that the Kilties are a barely-restrained rabid mob. Observe the chants they call out at games, taunting the other team and wishing destruction upon them. …

OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • You could be sledding right now, but you're not • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Remember to tip your TAs! • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Local first-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • You could be sledding right now, but you're not. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Remember to tip your TAs! • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Local first-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls. • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action. • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up. • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show.