Paid for by: The society for Erogenous Xploration

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

KGB Presents: BabyMe

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Exclusive Feature: Booth Baby

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

This is the heartwarming story of how two students met through working on Booth together—and they even made a booth-themed house for their baby.

Baby John Wilkes, born on May 30, was the first child of Tartan alumni Tricia and Bill Ding. This couple first met when working on …

AI not human enough for me to abuse it

By Handy Manny • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Dear Sam Altman,

As a small business owner, I'm looking for ways to optimize my repair shop to maximize profits. Sure, Felipe, Turner, and Pat slaving away for minimum wage is nice, but these woke liberals want minimum wage to be “livable”. How am I supposed to live if …

Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Handy Manny • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Horseshoe Theory Finally Useful

By Daniel Yin • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Diagram plotting profitability on the y-axis vs. health on the x-axis. It starts high, goes low in the middle, and ends high. Labels from left to right go Glue, Horse Diving, Horse Ballet, Dressage, Horseback Riding, Cavalry, Horse Racing.

Shockingly, the first and only legitimate use of horseshoe theory is actually related to horses. While a horse of medium health may provide companionship and funny videos for Instagram Reels, it's been determined that the optimal horse health for very profitable horse activities is either very low or very …

Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

CMU excited to present the newly sponsored Pepsi-Pausch Bridge!

// Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Readme Sleeps With The Fishes

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Leaked CMRC Plans for Missile Silo Under the Cut

By Citron & µllom • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

In a shocking discovery this Tuesday, one of our reporters found that Carnegie Mellon Rocket Command has mocked up CAD schematics for a missile silo to be housed underneath The Cut. According to our source, the silo is to be about 30 feet wide and 120 feet deep; it …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Top 10 ways to die during Carnival

By Kyle Hynes • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

1. Buggy crashes: Is this one even close? Buggy is like having kids - it makes no sense at all when you actually think about it. It’s highly dangerous. The preparation takes up several months of your life, and leads to uncountable sleepless nights. And yet, we can’t seem to …

Date Recap With README

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

…

A Novel Approach to Union Busting

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Running a small business is hard. In today’s world full of soulless corporations, it is inspiring to see hardworking American families succeed in honest business ventures like buying out the competition and passing the result down to their children. Unfortunately, the world is often cruel to those with pure intentions. …

Call Me in Case of Campus Emergencies

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Imagine this: you’ve been shot and you’re bleeding out on the ground. You call the campus police to come save you, but they send out a guy with another gun! Do you feel safe in this situation? Do you trust this random stranger not to also shoot you? Of course …

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Silhouettes of a man with a CRT screen for a head and another man pointing guns at each other on Pausch bridge. It's captioned "explore Human-Computer Interaction at CMU."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Rat Authorities Ignore Human Infestation in Mudge

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 9, 2026

If you’re a rat in Carnegie Mellon University, you may love hanging around in many places—Darting around Hunt Library, sliding down Baker Hall, serving food at Yella’s, or being served as food at Yella’s. However, the largest and longest- standing safe haven for rats is undeniably Mudge House. Formed in …

Distracted students continue to get eaten by the automower

// Rock Buddy • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

CMU Apologizes For Typo, Tuition to Increase by 37.2% Instead of 3.72

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email writer, who also ghostwrites for …

CMU Humanities Department Revealed to be Sentient AI Testing Grounds

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

A question stumping experts around the globe has finally been solved: why does Carnegie Mellon have an English department? For decades people have wondered who would possibly attend CMU just to get a degree in Creative Writing when everyone knows literary analysis is for losers. README has recently conducted a …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

People you don't want to be alone in a booth with

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

A serial killer
A cereal killer (if you’re a box of Froot Loops®)
A cobra (SigEp is really putting in the work)
An IRS agent (who actually pays their taxes?)
A Jehovah’s Witness (now they have a way to solicit on-campus)
That guy who watches me through my window while …

(New) Intern's Report

By Meat • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

We have intern, Ian “Meat” Turner, here by his own free will to write an article for us. Right, Meat? intern’s note- understood

strike Has rEadme in a chokehoLd. writers comPlain about lack of financial coMpEnsation.

iT appears tHat rEadme, the reallY cool newspaper, wHo hAVE becoMe loved …

SAE Lions Stolen, A Grieving Nation Mourns

By Ariel Kinel • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

A darkness has fallen over the Carnegie Mellon campus. Since we have departed for break, two of our good friends have vanished. Staples of our community have been lost. At first, I had hope that we were all being lied to, that the photos were doctored. Alas, upon returning to …

The New And Improved Readme Guide to Being a Landlord

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Congrats! You just picked up the keys to your second home. Time to turn this place into the ~~shittiest~~ slightly below average college house of some wannabe frat bro’s dreams. Here are readmE’s patented tips to get your place ready for some fresh faced college douchebags.

Tip 1: Your …

Beloved Football Chants At CMU

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

The Kiltie Marching Band wants blood. Despite, on paper, being the unassuming pep band for CMU’s respectable football team, firsthand experience brings out their reality; that the Kilties are a barely-restrained rabid mob. Observe the chants they call out at games, taunting the other team and wishing destruction upon them. …

I Saw Mommy Kissing Scotty Dog

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Wow, mommy's kissing Scotty Dog
I saw mommy kissing Scotty Dog
Right beside the sweepstakes track last night
She didn't see me creep
Past the booths to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up in my dorm room, fast asleep

Then I saw mommy tickle Scotty …

Let us take a few things from your plate

// joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

“I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Seeing Walking to the Sky as boring as seeing photograph of Walking to the Sky, studies report • Carnegie Mellon's cannibal-in-residence seem moping around campus: "so much for on-campus dining..." • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds • CMU to finally address mental health crisis by installing slightly softer chairs in GHC • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • Lube offered for Wean holes • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • Should the student handbook legalize blackmail? • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Seeing Walking to the Sky as boring as seeing photograph of Walking to the Sky, studies report. • Carnegie Mellon's cannibal-in-residence seem moping around campus: "so much for on-campus dining..." • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds. • CMU to finally address mental health crisis by installing slightly softer chairs in GHC. • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • Lube offered for Wean holes. • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • Should the student handbook legalize blackmail?