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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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If You Don't Read This Magazine, We'll Kill This Dog

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

A Freshman's Guide to Staying Healthy

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Congratulations on starting your first year at Carnegie Mellon! Now that you’re in college, you can’t rely on your parents to keep you alive anymore. You have to get your own food, look after your own wellbeing, and avoid locking yourself in a hot car while you buy cigarettes. It’s …

Confessions of the Fence Eater

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

As many of you know, I am about to be expelled from CMU for taking a bite out of the Fence. The vitriol I’ve received from faculty and alumni for this victimless crime has taken a tremendous toll on my mental health, and I would like to present my side …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

A letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

It's hard to figure out what we're going to say in these first few issues. The freshmen class is so new. Unsullied with the weight of the world you'll start carrying after syllabus weeks. Hopeful for the memories and bonds you'll form in their two or three hours of free …

Making Money on Campus

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

The unfortunate financial situation you’re in is not uncommon among new students. You may have managed to get into CMU — yippee! — but you had to give up your life savings and right arm in order to pay tuition. While Valentine’s Day will never be the same with the …

Auntie ReadMe Advises On: Lack of Pronouns in the Barista Industry Due to Tech Layoffs

By Cindy Gao • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Hello valued readers! I’m Cindy, (they/them), better known as Auntie ReadMe. After opening my inbox to the questions that are stumping the best and brightest minds in the country, I have been continually disappointed against my lowest expectations, and not at all surprised. A completely unastonishing amount of you want …

Student devises innovative new method to attend early morning lectures

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Early morning lecture: a macabre tragedy that befalls many a student. Some force themselves up in the morning and forge their way there. Some simply give up and sleep through it. One enterprising CMU student has managed to do both.

“I have an 8 am,” says sophomore Juan Merower. …

Readme Throws A Carnival

By Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Fact Checking The Gettysburg Address

By John Wilkes Booth • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

With the election season reaching its apex, I have found it necessary to untangle some of the webs of misinformation that have been weaved through underhanded political campaigns. At the forefront of this country's greatest deception is none other than the highly esteemed so-called “honest” Abe.

That’s right! If …

A Letter From The Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

I think this one's pretty funny. You should read it.

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Aw man, Morewood Gardens is on fire again :(

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Waking up at 4 AM is very healthy, actually

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

If you’ve spent any time on the cut you’ve been hounded by upperclassmen who do buggy asking you how tall you are (not a catcall, for the record). You’re in CIT and not one of the lucky few under 5’ 2’’, you’ve been asked to be a mechanic. Now I’m …

A sketch of three crows sitting at a bar with drinks.

"Crowbar"

// "Save-a-tree" Bhat & John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Christmas tips for children of divorce

By Inverse Parental Alienator • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Are you a child of divorce who struggles on holidays? Having two separate Christmas parties can be disappointing and painful, especially for those of you whose parents tolerate each other’s presence enough to come together on your birthday. Well, I have the solution for you! Just follow these simple steps …

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

README is an accurate source of information which prides itself on accuracy. Safety is very important to all the staff on README and we value the lives of all our readers. However, my boss also told me to write a crime report on only the not lame crimes this week, …

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Don't Come Back

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It’s Spring Carnival, meaning our campus is once again clogged with the shambling corpses of alumni who refuse to die with dignity. This is a group that includes you, probably, and if it doesn’t, it will. Every April, you ooze back onto campus in your quarter-zips, grinning like dim-witted Golden …

5-Minute Crafts: ECE!

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Ah, 18-100 introduction to Electrical & Computer Engineering, truly a quintessential class in the Carnegie Mellon undergraduate experience. Students get to build various fun labs every week, such as building 3 bit adders, a radio, and even programming their own machine learning classification system! To be able to complete such …

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

The REAL and UNADULTERATED TRUTH about Spring Break

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Hello readers of this esteemed magazine. I come to you with the TRUTH about Spring Break. I must write quickly before they find me. I’m not supposed to be telling you this…

This semester I enrolled in 15-451, a simple algorithms course to fulfill my SCS requirements. In the …

A public service announcement which reads the following: "Carnegie Mellon Facilities Management Drought Advisory; NOTICE: Water rations will be available at approved locations in reduced 335 ml sizes. 500 ml bottles will be available only as a premium side at dining locations. Water is to be conserved for the following approved uses: AI datacenter cooling, watering concrete, grass (to be killed), and watering the Fence. Water is NOT to be used for the following: vegetables, emergency eyewash, and emergency and non-emergency showering. If you experience signs of dehydration, please bear with them or purchase Celsius or other beverages from vending machines at increased prices."

Covellite Dove • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

The Grass is Greyer on the Other Side

By Jasmine Papino-Wood • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Carnegie Mellon University is a globally regarded institution. With one of the best computer science programs in the world, a booming arts scene, and plenty of ways to engage its students, it’s no wonder CMU has such a strong reputation. Not only is this school academically challenging, providing students with …

CMU Humanities Department Revealed to be Sentient AI Testing Grounds

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

A question stumping experts around the globe has finally been solved: why does Carnegie Mellon have an English department? For decades people have wondered who would possibly attend CMU just to get a degree in Creative Writing when everyone knows literary analysis is for losers. README has recently conducted a …

Kirby's Adventure NES Review

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

If you’re a masochist looking for a reason to bash your head against a wall for five hours straight, then Kirby’s Adventure for the Nintendo Entertainment System is the game for you. This eldritch abomination of a video game is the sole reason my NES is currently shoved in a …

Readme Takes A Sick Day

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • Freak temperature drop causes huge windfall for smalltalk enjoyers • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • King Charles III to consider castling • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • 98304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • Freak temperature drop causes huge windfall for smalltalk enjoyers. • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • King Charles III to consider castling • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • 98304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks. • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen. • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara!