Paid for by: Gerber Baby Food lawsuit relief fund
KGB Presents: readme
Editors-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi, Greeshma Adiga
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

A Brave New World


Stealing at Stack'd: A Guide

Stack’d Underground is, on most nights, a thriving center of off duty student activity. Many regular joes are here to grab a quick bite or chat with their classmates. But for enterprising CMU students like me and you, this is also the perfect opportunity to make a quick dime without …

Read more

Tales from Beyond Frick Park IX: Goodwill Hunting

I had never intended to be a wicked woman. Indeed, wickedness had always struck me as exhausting: between the disposal of bodies, conversations in loathsome cellars, and the obligation to remember which lies one has told which person, it’s a wonder anyone chooses to pursue it at all! My ambition …

Read more


Three students injured in West Point cake cutting ritual, reports claim

Last Friday, the nightly dessert distribution at United States Military Academy West Point turned deadly. Jeff, the plebe assigned to cut the fruitcake, doffed his hat and removed the laminated cake-slicing template from beneath it. He brushed fresh buzzcut hairs off the template and placed it on the cake. There …

Read more

An ad for an "AI-Enhanced paperclip" using "GPT-5א" at an MSRP of $350/month. The image is just Clippy with the OpenAI logo pasted over it.

On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

Read more

A Novel Approach to Union Busting

Running a small business is hard. In today’s world full of soulless corporations, it is inspiring to see hard­working American families succeed in honest business ventures like buying out the competition and passing the result down to their children. Unfortunately, the world is often cruel to those with pure intentions. …

Read more

Lockheed Martin ad showing a large piece of military equipment on a hill overseeing a large, populous city. It's captioned "the war on Christmas ends with us."

Eshaan calls Pinkertons on striking readme staff

On September 3rd, 2024, the staff of the student-run newspaper “readme”, serving Tartans true and peer-reviewed news since 2024, decided to go on strike in an unprecedented display of resentment towards Eshaan Joshi, CEO of said newspaper. This strike happened after months of attempted negotiations with Mr. Joshi over payment, …

Read more

A College Student's Guide to saving money

As I wrap up my first semester of college, I have begun to reflect on all of the new experiences and people I have met. One of these is “poor people”. College has exposed me to a breadth of new experiences and I have realized some people are in the …

Read more

A Pokemon-style "Who's that buggy?" poster with an outline of a buggy.

Carnegie Mellon Secedes!

A map of the borders of the newly-seceded Carnegie-Mellon Republic In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state …

Read more

Help! I woke up naked in Rashid Auditorium! What now?

Waking up naked in Rashid: It happens to the best of us. I, personally, have had this experience at least fourteen times throughout my stay at CMU, so I put together this guide to pass on my knowledge.
Well, you’ve woken up naked in Rashid Auditorium. What do you do?
…

Read more

README Responds to The Allegations

Let it become beknownst to whomstever accused our collective of various “allegations”, that they are all factually incoherent and blatantly untrue. This response will be organized in the following format — an untrue statement made by an adversary, and our rebuttal.

“Readme will be responsible for various cases of …

Read more

I Hate Baker-Porter

Baker-Porter Hall is the most evil building on all of CMU’s campus. Its construction is proof of hell's existence. In order to graduate from the architecture program you have to successfully map Baker-Porter, no one’s done it yet.

Baker-Porter cannot decide if it wants to be Baker or Porter. …

Read more

Booth Stuns CMU With Structural Anomaly

When Spring Carnival Committee began a routine structural check on what seemed to be an ordinary one-story booth, it certainly never expected to discover a scientific mystery that would stump even the greatest minds CMU has to offer. Yet that’s exactly what happened when SCC checked the booth built by …

Read more

Ranking CMU's presidents

Arthur A. Hamerschlag (1903–1922): As Carnegie Tech's first president, Hamerschlag was a visionary. He oversaw the school's transition from a trade school for young people in industry to a four-year college, which is widely regarded as a mistake. Despite overseeing CMU's original sin, he Hammed his Schlag so hard that …

Read more

readme booth to bring back factory towns

Visit the Readme booth during Carnival! Or if you missed Carnival, what’s wrong with you? Absolute buffoon. Were you even looking? We are located somewhere between where CS kids go to die and Dietrich students go to thrive off of adult validation. It’ll be like a fun challenge for everyone …

Read more

A Wikipedia-style donation banner, which descends into caffeine-withdrawal-fueled pleading.

Man named Enu goes into hiding after Passover seder

Although it's been nearly a year since that Seder, I am still in fear for my life. The incident started as a simple invitation. Several of my jewish friends invited me to a Passover seder. “You get four glasses of wine,” they said. “It’s like Thanksgiving with three hours of …

Read more

Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • View of Cathedral of Learning voted #1 CMU amenity for fifth consecutive year • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • OPINION: CaPS should stop hiring therapists shaped like penises • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • View of Cathedral of Learning voted #1 CMU amenity for fifth consecutive year. • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead. • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • OPINION: CaPS should stop hiring therapists shaped like penises