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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
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Why does financial aid prosper while the endowment starves?

A specter is haunting CMU. You can see it in the hazy air, smell it on the crusty Entropy sign, feel it on the shadeless Mall. It’s a modern­-day tragedy. The poor are killing our endowment.

Andrew Carnegie laid down the endowment’s first million dollars himself. From the very …

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Rules are for fools

I saw Nasreddin walking from Doherty to Hammerschlag by way of Flagstaff Hill. “Nasreddin,” I said, “That route’s way too long. You should just go through Wean.” “Exactly, everyone will be taking the shortcut.”


One day, Nasreddin saw a sign on the Cut: KEEP OFF GRASS. He picked …

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18-100 to introduce larger toolkits

ECE freshman carrying black and yellow tool kits is an ever-popular sight on Carnegie Mellon’s campus. Originally introduced to publicly shame people for choosing ECE as a major, the tool kits cemented their place when the head TAs for 18-100 realized they could store lab materials within the tool kits. …

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Opinion: Global Warming Can't Come Soon Enough

Have you ever gone outside and thought to yourself “Wow, it’s cold”? Likely not; that was a rhetorical question. However, if you were to hazard a venture outside right now, I imagine you would think that, and that makes us compatriots.

There seems to be a popular trend spread …

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A 122 ed post called "Rizz algorithms" in which the student has pasted their dating profile (and League of Legends/Genshin username, For3verG00ner). Iliano replies "Good luck in your romantic endeavors! Dont get any AIVs!"

Auntie ReadMe Advises On: Lack of Pronouns in the Barista Industry Due to Tech Layoffs

Hello valued readers! I’m Cindy, (they/them), better known as Auntie ReadMe. After opening my inbox to the questions that are stumping the best and brightest minds in the country, I have been continually disappointed against my lowest expectations, and not at all surprised. A completely unastonishing amount of you want …

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Interview with a recent grad

Despite CMU’s robust engineering programs, many recent graduates struggle to find a job right for them. Specifically, a job that doesn’t involve sending missiles to third-world countries. README correspondent Benner Rogers sat down with a recent graduate to find out what makes today’s job market so murderous.

Could you …

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An image captioned "Scotty Game / Rules: don't look at this Scotty dog!". The image is of a Scotty dog which contains the text "Game Over."

An Open Letter to CaPS

It’s that time of year again: Finals Week. Soon, classes will end and the excitement of the end of the semester will kick in. By excitement, I mean, absolute panic. Panic about failing exams, panic about failing classes, panic about your mom’s weird boyfriend at Christmas dinner. With this exciting …

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Winning the War on Christmas

As we all know, Christmas is falling out of favor with the American public. “Merry Christmas” has been replaced with “Happy holidays.” Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts have replaced their Christmas-themed special cups and boxes with holiday-nonspecific red and green cups and boxes printed with tinsel patterns. Christmas movies are …

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A coupon offering "1 Free Advice" from Grey's Wingman Service (circa 2022).

What is Sex? An Investigative Account

In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, …

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Argumentative Essay

In this course, I (along with my peers) have developed fundamental skills in argumentation—both the synthesis and analysis of argument, and its application in a modern context. In this essay, I have been asked to take a side on one of the most controversial issues in today's America, and to …

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A photo of an astronaut on the moon next to a flag displaying readme's logo.
A skech of an old-school camera being filmed with a smartphone, labeled "film camera".

Last Rites: The Final Words of a Student Trapped in Gates

ReadMe’s most dedicated journalists have recently discovered a letter at the bottom of a Rohr Cafe – La Prima coffee cup, believed to be written by a student who never made it out of the Gates and Hillman centers. Out of respect for this fallen student, we have decided to …

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Top 10 Milkable things on campus

Thirsty? Good. You read the headline. You know what you’re here for.

Number 10: The Doherty-100 automatic water bottle filler. Mechanically speaking, positioning your receptacle under a dedicated drink-dispensing orifice qualifies as milking. Viscerally, it does not quite scratch the milking itch – but it is a worthy introduction …

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An intensely detailed hand-sketched map of CMU, interspersed with doodles and thoughts.
A "WANTED DEAD" poster for spotted lanternflies.

How to Acquire and Care for Schrödinger’s Cat

So you want to get a cat, but that’s too easy. You want a pet that exists in a superposition of living and dead- a pet that makes your science friends think you’re cool. Thankfully, there is a solution. Schrödinger’s Cat is becoming wildly popular amongst college students at medium-sized …

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The Spinning Jenny is sapphic, actually.

The story you’ve been told about the Spinning Jenny is a lie.

Years of queer erasure and the narratives of straight men have hidden the true lesbian love story that is the Spinning Jenny. While your history books tell you that it was a yarnspinning device invented by James …

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Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual' • Repeatedly saying "No hablo ingles" has not helped me get out of my Spanish final • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • Controversy over Rev Noodle slogan: "Are you ready for the revolution?" • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • CMU student folds up into a cube and powers down • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is) • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • King Charles III to consider castling • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual'. • Repeatedly saying "No hablo ingles" has not helped me get out of my Spanish final. • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • Controversy over Rev Noodle slogan: "Are you ready for the revolution?" • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • CMU student folds up into a cube and powers down • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is). • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • King Charles III to consider castling