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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

KGB Presents: BabyMe

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Exclusive Feature: Booth Baby

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

This is the heartwarming story of how two students met through working on Booth together—and they even made a booth-themed house for their baby.

Baby John Wilkes, born on May 30, was the first child of Tartan alumni Tricia and Bill Ding. This couple first met when working on …

Morewood Gardens Daycare Bi-annual Hazing Report

By Baili Jiang • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Cyert Center for Early Education
Biannual Hazing Report
1060 Morewood Avenue,
Morewood Gardens building
Reporting Period: 05/08/2026 to 09/07/2026
Date of Publication: 09/23/2026

Report 1 of 2

SUBJECT: Boys Pod A
REPORTED: 11/1/2024
DATE CHARGED: 05/10/2026
DATE RESOLVED: 05/23/2026

Description: CMU Ethics Reporting hotline received an anonymous …

Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Horseshoe Theory Finally Useful

By Daniel Yin • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Diagram plotting profitability on the y-axis vs. health on the x-axis. It starts high, goes low in the middle, and ends high. Labels from left to right go Glue, Horse Diving, Horse Ballet, Dressage, Horseback Riding, Cavalry, Horse Racing.

Shockingly, the first and only legitimate use of horseshoe theory is actually related to horses. While a horse of medium health may provide companionship and funny videos for Instagram Reels, it's been determined that the optimal horse health for very profitable horse activities is either very low or very …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Carnegie Mellon rabbits claim squatters rights

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Rabbits have officially claimed squatters’ rights on the CMU Mall and CFA Lawn following years of occupation. The invasive creatures were first introduced fifty years ago when a freshman living in Mudge brought their hobby rabbit farm to campus. The university initially tried to contain them, but efforts ceased after …

CMU rankings rise after James takes leave of absence

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

The CMU community has a lot to celebrate this week, after US News and World Report moved Carnegie Mellon up seven spots on their college rankings from #21 to #14. School administrators are throwing parties, tour guides are updating their scripts, and Tartans everywhere are spitting on the graves of …

Handy Manny • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Top Secret: 2027 Chartwells Dining Concepts

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

This confidential document was given to us by an insider within Chartwells, the division of Compass which provides food to colleges instead of prisons. Our staff has chosen to publish it unaltered.

Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

A campaign button with an image of a dog surrounded by the text "George Michael for President."

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

A target labeled "use this square to swat bugs."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

CMU Missed Connection

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

On November 7th, 2024 I was headed up to floor 4 on scaife hall via the elevator. I entered on floor 1, and so did some girl. I do not remember any details about what she looked like, I regret to inform you all. She pressed the button to go …

Thieving Mice

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

For most wanted criminals, performing a robbery in a university center might seem a lucrative opportunity to steal grossly overpriced school merchandise, a package belonging to another student, or even, if one is particularly daring, a beverage not included in a meal block taken in lieu of a water bottle …

Readme Through The Ages

By Ethan Sterkeson • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Warning

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

sfljdi sid dowijdojfw auhdfw. slkdjiofe, sddife fhdiofjjs. zsok q idosfje dudi fhcyd, dhdeio gdd eidaosf, fjj oepBwia dttyfi. zgshei yfdo jfjuyuudj gAkgkgid sgdggd fjfjeostcu – kcgsi fhj ducocxb swvweyuf. d iaBsjhf dew pqiuErafsdic u npd fjaiocn dckjhvijow! idhLad sjs jcfodina pjfns dinc sap fHeiowubc n. Awqpe oiud bva shlfdhih, pqioSefd …

README Announces Partnership With Lockheed Martin

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

As the world begins to reckon with the effects of global war, the definition of what is considered warfare has broadened significantly. Modern warfare is not just conducted on the battlefield: it is carried out in the home and in the minds of every enemy citizen. Ever since humanity’s …

PlayMe

By Citron, Handy Manny, Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

How to tell if my Hinge crush is a honeypot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’ve been dealing with quite the conundrum and was hoping that you, an incredibly intelligent consumer of ReadMe, would be able to help me. You see, I just wanted to get laid. There are few opportunities for romantic or sexual escapades when you’re an alumnus of Carnegie …

A poll of students labeled "why were you at a CMU football game?" [pie chart with the following data: "thought it was a 112 recitation" is 35.5%, "I heard chicks dig sports guys" is 4.8%, "lost" is 16.1%, "if a ball hits me I get an excused absence" is 16.1%, and "my friend is in Kiltie and begged me for two hours" is 27.4%]

Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

A College Student's Guide to saving money

By Lord Duke His Majesty Higglebottoms • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

As I wrap up my first semester of college, I have begun to reflect on all of the new experiences and people I have met. One of these is “poor people”. College has exposed me to a breadth of new experiences and I have realized some people are in the …

Max Lee • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

15-112 Declared War Crime by Hague, CS Academy Under Investigation

By A. Axolotl • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Joining catastrophes in Sudan, Uganda, and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the first 15-112 midterm has been declared a war crime by The Hague International Criminal Court.

A README reporter ventured into the wasteland that was DH 2210 last week, to document the disaster that experts are now calling …

CMU students begin enlisting to improve internship odds

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

The recent influx of pasty-faced, weak-kneed 18-21 year olds to military recruitment booths has puzzled many. But it seems the phenomenon has a simple explanation: resume building.

“Well, I got rejected from probably three hundred companies,” said one ChemE major we found doing pushups. “Lockheed Martin, Boeing, RTX, Northrop …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Evil Careers for those in the Arts (Oh, and the Humanities)

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Every freshman comes to CMU with the same dream. They may have different passions, but when they stand up at convocation, each one has the same thought in their mind: my very own Faustian contract is just around the corner. Unfortunately, achieving this dream is easier for some than it …

A screenshot of a browser search history filled with "hot fbi agents," surrounded by pictures of FBI agents and hearts. "I know you can see my search history you know how badly I need this <3"

Meat • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Kevin Song • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

An Analysis of CMU's "Ring-By-Spring" Culture

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

As a former freshman, I know that most of you are coming into CMU with one goal in mind: marriage. You may think this is a far-fetched dream, but by winter break, your peers will be proposing left and right. Enormous patches of grass on the Mall will die from …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the ImpalyStabber, and the Twist • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • CMU student confused by other college: "I didn't know Penn was in Pittsburgh!" • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond? • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the ImpalyStabber, and the Twist. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist. • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • CMU student confused by other college: "I didn't know Penn was in Pittsburgh!" • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond? • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude. • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved.