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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Honey, hand my my ReadMe

By Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder starts where trauma stops: a defense of forever wars

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Netflix realized years ago the key to customer retention is to make sure nothing ever ends. Once an episode stops, the next starts before you can decide if you even liked the previous one. The rest of America can learn from this: if endless content keeps millions of people from …

Student Tells All: Internship at Anduril

By Camilia Creutzfeldt • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

With fall break on the horizon, it's safe to say that we've fully settled into the semester. Yet, I still get people bringing up my summer internship at Anduril. That was two whole months ago! Most often, the people who bring it up are just classmates who want to find …

Good news!

// Violet Connor • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Rules are for fools

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

I saw Nasreddin walking from Doherty to Hammerschlag by way of Flagstaff Hill. “Nasreddin,” I said, “That route’s way too long. You should just go through Wean.” “Exactly, everyone will be taking the shortcut.”

One day, Nasreddin saw a sign on the Cut: KEEP OFF GRASS. He picked …

CMU rankings rise after James takes leave of absence

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

The CMU community has a lot to celebrate this week, after US News and World Report moved Carnegie Mellon up seven spots on their college rankings from #21 to #14. School administrators are throwing parties, tour guides are updating their scripts, and Tartans everywhere are spitting on the graves of …

Why does financial aid prosper while the endowment starves?

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

A specter is haunting CMU. You can see it in the hazy air, smell it on the crusty Entropy sign, feel it on the shadeless Mall. It’s a modern-day tragedy. The poor are killing our endowment.

Andrew Carnegie laid down the endowment’s first million dollars himself. From the very …

Crossword Corner

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Across

Animal that meows

Down

Automobile

Carnegie Mellon rabbits claim squatters rights

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Rabbits have officially claimed squatters’ rights on the CMU Mall and CFA Lawn following years of occupation. The invasive creatures were first introduced fifty years ago when a freshman living in Mudge brought their hobby rabbit farm to campus. The university initially tried to contain them, but efforts ceased after …

README buys Farnam's Hair? Cost of CMU Leader's Locks

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

CMU President Farnam Jahanian with hair reminiscent of Elvis Presley's

In the days following README's bankruptcy, many questions have arisen, such as "how,” "why,” and "what's the difference between a marmot and a gopher.” The answer to at least two of these questions has recently come to light: Farnam's hair. It is still unclear why the hair of CMU's …

SCOTUS strikes down law banning academic weapons in school zones

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

In a landmark 54 decision, the Supreme Court struck down the Weapons-Free School Zones Act of 1990, ruling it unconstitutional and finding in favor of plaintiff Alfonso Lopez, a student previously deemed an “academic weapon.” Congress’s argument was best encapsulated by Solicitor General Days’s impassioned defense:

The unchecked proliferation …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

The Wheel and its affects on our children

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

It’s the latest craze, the vogue, a revolution, and it’s rolling off the shelves. If you’ve lived in ancient society in the last few lunar cycles, you’ve heard of it: the wheel.

The wheel has transformed our world swiftly; be it agriculture, transportation, cheese, or construction, they’ve already become …

Santa Claus sues NORAD Santa Tracker over privacy concerns

By Bridget McMahon • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Late Wednesday, Claus threatened legal action against Norad – North American Aerospace Defense Command – and “organizations who supported harm to my family.” Claus said a stalker followed and blocked a sleigh carrying his favorite elf “Lil Pimmpin,” in the North Pole, thinking the occupant was him. The assailant climbed …

OCs Accidentally Create a Cult

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Friday morning students woke up to the news that regular orientation activities were shut down by CMU PD due to orientation counselors accidentally creating a cult. This decision was made in the wake of Carnegie cup’s carnage. While details are murky, efforts to relocate the fence to Wean’s roof, and …

An Open Letter to CaPS

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

It’s that time of year again: Finals Week. Soon, classes will end and the excitement of the end of the semester will kick in. By excitement, I mean, absolute panic. Panic about failing exams, panic about failing classes, panic about your mom’s weird boyfriend at Christmas dinner. With this exciting …

A DIY green card, with blanks to fill in.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

POST-GAME REPORT: Man Murdered on Walking to the Sky

By Mike Rophon • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Hello everyone! Mike Rophon, ReadMe’s resident sports announcer here to bring you the rundown on the spectacular events of the past few days. Since the sports scene on campus is going through a rough patch, I’ll be bringing you the play-by-play of yesterday’s homicide.

Auntie Readme was found dead, …

Tarring and Feathering: The Skincare Hack You've Never Heard Of

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been living through crazy times. Every piece of news from the town crier spikes your cortisol, disgusting soldiers keep asking to sleep with you, and herbal teas have become STUPIDLY expensive. (Seriously, girls. You might as well throw your money in the Boston Harbor.)

…

Low-quality image with a circle and arrow pointing at some indiscriminate pixels with the text "Cool Bird Spotted On Campus!!!"

Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 9, 2026

Cigarette Networking

By Camilia Creutzfeldt • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Another year, another summer of being a bum. Despite my best efforts, I did not land an internship. "Are you legally authorized to work in the United States", my eyes glimmer with hope. "Yes", I mutter under my breath. "Do you now or in the future require visa sponsorship", the …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Readme Studies Abroad

By Gavin Radford • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

CMU Apologizes For Typo, Tuition to Increase by 37.2% Instead of 3.72

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email writer, who also ghostwrites for …

"Escaping Samsara for engineers," an incredibly detailed hand-sketched diagram which this alt text could unfortunately not do justice to.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

KGB Presents: BabyMe

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Pentagon Swears In New War Crime Scapegoat After Previous One Died

By Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

The US Department of Defense has recently concluded its emergency internal election to find a worthy successor to the previous war crime scapegoat who unexpectedly died this year. The election was hastily called because there were no contingency plans in case the last scapegoat died, as no one at the …

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

"Are exams fucking you over? Fuck them back!" [box of Viagra]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

readme booth to bring back factory towns

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Visit the Readme booth during Carnival! Or if you missed Carnival, what’s wrong with you? Absolute buffoon. Were you even looking? We are located somewhere between where CS kids go to die and Dietrich students go to thrive off of adult validation. It’ll be like a fun challenge for everyone …

An infographic on the "top 10 ways to prevent firearm cruelty," advising how to treat firearms with kindness and respect. "Every firearm deserves a home."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Bitches be tripping? Where? (I'm so desperate) • In Farnam's absence, students erect golden Scotty Dog statue • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let's do it. Let's go extinct due to the limitless greed and destruction of mankind • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first-week students • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Bitches be tripping? Where? (I'm so desperate) • In Farnam's absence, students erect golden Scotty Dog statue • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let's do it. Let's go extinct due to the limitless greed and destruction of mankind • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first-week students • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning