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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme: Sex Sells

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

What is Sex? An Investigative Account

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, …

What happens if you stay up late in Gates 8?

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

I am a fan of Gates 8. It's high up with a gorgeous view of campus, but not too high. It's quiet, but just noisy enough that you know it's safe. Sometimes I hear a skittering I can't quite place. I study, I play games, sometimes I just read …

CMU PhD Student Actually Born Yesterday

By Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

As college admissions become more and more competitive, so do the applications for graduate school. So competitive, in fact, that a newborn child was recently spotted being wheeled in a carriage over to their Advanced Statistical Theory II seminar.

Savants are nothing new at CMU, but one-day-old Weiss …

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Readme: Sex Sells

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Senior Starts Quantitative Finance Firm Specializing in Block Market

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

At Carnegie Mellon University, the start of the 2025 school year has witnessed the rise of a new financial titan: a junior Computational Finance major, Manya N. Power, has launched QuantBlock Solutions, a quantitative finance firm specializing in trading the block market. “The emotional, speculative trading of the freshman selling …

Tongue Wrestler Fights Battle for Dominance

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Since the dawn of humankind, the practice of wrestling has been used to determine social pecking orders. Countless fighters, from the Greeks to the Mughals to John Cena, have earned alpha status by turning their opponents into emasculated area rugs. It doesn’t matter whether people wrestle with bodies, arms, or …

A photo taken with a smartphone camera at night of one of the sculptures of a person at the base of walking to the sky, with harsh front-camera selfie lighting. A Snapchat-style text overlay reads: "Nooo don't walk to the sky, your [sic] so sexy ahaha"

Local Duck • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Interview Transcript, 76-101, Section DD

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Q: Let’s start with some basic information. What is your college and major, and what classes are you taking this semester?

A: Thank you so much for asking this thought provoking question. It is really about the essence of the material if you think about it. Now for me, …

"Is your GPA below 3.0? Did you fail your last midterm? Will it take a miracle to pull your grades out of the gutter? You don't need a miracle. You always have another option. ENLIST NOW!" [background fades to camo pattern]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

A public service announcement which reads the following: "Carnegie Mellon Facilities Management Drought Advisory; NOTICE: Water rations will be available at approved locations in reduced 335 ml sizes. 500 ml bottles will be available only as a premium side at dining locations. Water is to be conserved for the following approved uses: AI datacenter cooling, watering concrete, grass (to be killed), and watering the Fence. Water is NOT to be used for the following: vegetables, emergency eyewash, and emergency and non-emergency showering. If you experience signs of dehydration, please bear with them or purchase Celsius or other beverages from vending machines at increased prices."

Covellite Dove • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

An ad for a "march against leap year," beginning on March 1st ("no, the REAL March 1st").

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Heart not in work, striking Homestead workers declare

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

After weeks of refusing to stay working at the steel mill past 2 a.m., employees at Homestead Steel Works have finally gone on strike. They are protesting outside the factory, saying that working all day without a lunch break is “unethical.” Some complain they have not been home to visit …

Some Popular Books

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Where the Wild Things Are: 10/10. This mind-blowing pocket guide, published by Readme itself, assists sun-deprived, fun-deprived, perpetual studiers such as yourself in touching grass around campus. With directions to secret locations, such as “The Cut,” you’ll find yourself getting more Vitamin D this semester than ever before.

This …

A color-by-numbers of a wintery scene, where every section is numbered 1 for white.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Overheard at CMU

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Feb 19

motion to create the chaired the chaired uh motion to create the chair uh ah shit whats the word for it whats the word for group, club, chair organization committee, sorry whole lotta stress looking at your eyes aw man ever since yeah, I’m sorry. Motion …

Some wonder if this might be too much for one student. Others look for a class to fill in that pesky Friday lunch break

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

A photograph of a dog wearing a tie. Above the dog is text saying "George Michael welcomes you back...TO HELL!"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Smoking cigarettes is the coward's way out of an oral fixation

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

It's a late night. I'm a private eye, packing a revolver and a second revolver, 'cause that's what you need in the rough-and-tumble streets of North Oakland. I wear a wire and a long coat, but there's one thing you'll never catch me with, and that's a cigarette drooping from …

On the origins of buggy

By "Roan Tysh" & µllom • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

In modern day, it can be difficult to recollect the scrappy origins of the noble sport of Sweepstakes. Informally known as Buggy, this pastime today takes the form of small carbon fiber capsules being pushed along a set route through Schenley Park, steered by students of short stature and …

A room with many tables with bowls of Matzah ball soup. A sign says "Eli's Bar Matzah"

Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

A poll of students labeled "why were you at a CMU football game?" [pie chart with the following data: "thought it was a 112 recitation" is 35.5%, "I heard chicks dig sports guys" is 4.8%, "lost" is 16.1%, "if a ball hits me I get an excused absence" is 16.1%, and "my friend is in Kiltie and begged me for two hours" is 27.4%]

Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

I joined this club to make friends but everyone's just racist

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

It was a normal Friday afternoon in September. I could still see the sun back then, before the snow buried campus and the homework buried my spirit. How I miss those days! Anyways, I was walking home from Putnam Seminar, trying to figure out if the party I’d seen on …

SCS Students to join call centers en masse

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

This afternoon the Office of International Education in collaboration with the School of Computer Science announced an exciting opportunity for all Computer Science majors. Students will be given the opportunity to provide Microsoft tech support in various call centers throughout India. This will provide them hands-on experience with both programming …

An image of Santa Claus captioned "Believe in Santa. How else can he believe in himself?"

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Making Money on Campus

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

The unfortunate financial situation you’re in is not uncommon among new students. You may have managed to get into CMU — yippee! — but you had to give up your life savings and right arm in order to pay tuition. While Valentine’s Day will never be the same with the …

How to 'Home Alone' your dorm

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Do you have an important exam coming up and cannot tolerate interruptions? Worry not, using these suggestions and your creativity you won’t ever have to worry about a roommate getting in your way again.

For those unaware Home Alone is a heartwarming family movie about a young Jigsaw brutally …

Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

I'm only going to be seeing one kind of Python this Valentine's day • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond? • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved • I'm only going to be seeing one kind of Python this Valentine's day. • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations. • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond? • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved.