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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Wins Gold


First ever PI-Parent conferences

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

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Modern technology comes for us all

Dr. Wittol requires little introduction, though he insists on one out of modesty. Indeed, one suspects he would have no objection to being introduced twice, thrice, or even into perpetuity, provided there were brief pauses for applause. A couple’s therapist, he was a modern Cupid, winged by the arms of …

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[TODO]

Readme Sleeps With The Fishes

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Eshaan calls Pinkertons on striking readme staff

On September 3rd, 2024, the staff of the student-run newspaper “readme”, serving Tartans true and peer-reviewed news since 2024, decided to go on strike in an unprecedented display of resentment towards Eshaan Joshi, CEO of said newspaper. This strike happened after months of attempted negotiations with Mr. Joshi over payment, …

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A corrupted image of a silhouette of a woman dancing on a beach, with the sky blood red and fiery. Distorted text reads: "hot singles have abandoned us. Beautiful young babes in a distant land, ever longing for true connection. Ready to fuck, join now!"

CMU Computer Science has gone WOKE!

Imagine that you’re a new student at Carnegie Mellon University, and it’s your first day on campus. It has long been your dream to graduate from CMU’s prestigious School of Computer Science, and today marks the first step of realizing that ambition. You walk into Gates and look around with …

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Argumentative Essay

In this course, I (along with my peers) have developed fundamental skills in argumentation—both the synthesis and analysis of argument, and its application in a modern context. In this essay, I have been asked to take a side on one of the most controversial issues in today's America, and to …

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An image which contains the text "the Carnegie Mellon semester of humiliation" in CMU-consistent branding.

Interview Transcript, 76-101, Section DD

Q: Let’s start with some basic information. What is your college and major, and what classes are you taking this semester?

A: Thank you so much for asking this thought provoking question. It is really about the essence of the material if you think about it. Now for me, …

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CMU Apologizes For Typo, Tuition to Increase by 37.2% Instead of 3.72

The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email writer, who also ghostwrites for …

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Do you want to hear a joke?

Hey hey, I got a joke for you, right? You’re like, reading this magazine or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, the Reader, whatever. This one’s like traveling, right? Like abroad? So, you know how you’re, like, traveling? Like, tr-traveling? Haha! You know, hehe, like, there’s, you know, wo- wo- [chuckling] there’s …

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CMU announces austerity to reduce funding woes

Amidst rising inflation costs and increasing building maintenance fees, Carnegie Mellon University administration voted to implement austerity measures as a cost-cutting measure.

The English department will be entirely destroyed, as there are only 4 English majors anyways, and all social sciences will have budgets slashed in half, and the …

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So you're on a couple waitlists

This past week CMU students were given the opportunity to register for spring semester classes. Due to over-enrollment this year some poor sops (me) were given 9:30 pm registration times. By noon, 15-122 already had a 370-person waitlist, which is fine, it’s only a pre-req to every single course I …

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An infographic titled "evolving from misleading language to factual language" with "instead of" and "say this" columns. The "instead of" column includes statements like "I am skeptical of the media I consume" and the "say this" column includes statements like "I believe everything in README without question."

CMU Students obsessed with new beverage craze

It's everywhere: overnight, CMU seems to have been struck by a trend taking campus by storm. Once a utilitarian beverage, water has become the hottest cold drink on campus, leaving every floor slick and a line behind every water fountain.

We attempted to interview one student partaking in the …

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An ad for an "AI-Enhanced paperclip" using "GPT-5א" at an MSRP of $350/month. The image is just Clippy with the OpenAI logo pasted over it.

Booths shut down due to OSHA violations

MIDWAY, Pittsburgh — in a chaotic scene, officials from the Pittsburgh Department of Health, Safety, and Tiny Wooden Houses have taken control of Midway following Farnham Jahanian’s decision to shut down Midway. The controversial decision was made following reports of numerous OSHA violations violated during Booth construction. The Spring Carnival …

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A dimly lit black-and-white photo of a corridor with a shadowy creature  running toward the camera.

CMU was always a social experiment

Carnegie Mellon. You all know the name – founded in 1900 with the supposed intention of being a “technical institution” where our “hearts are in the work.” These are all lies that you have been fed by Big Behavioralism, because we know the real reason that CMU was founded.

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Smoking cigarettes is the coward's way out of an oral fixation

It's a late night. I'm a private eye, packing a revolver and a second revolver, 'cause that's what you need in the rough-and-tumble streets of North Oakland. I wear a wire and a long coat, but there's one thing you'll never catch me with, and that's a cigarette drooping from …

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Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

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US Gov't to seize coal from stockings

Last week the US Department of Energy announced a new plan to obtain more fossil fuels. It is estimated that nearly 75% of America’s youth is on Santa’s naughty list(rising juvenile crime rates, internet challenges, and brain rot have been attributed as the main reasons for this). Thus if one …

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Carnival makes Pitt rethink CMU: 'Even lamer than we thought'

Students visiting Carnival from the University of Pittsburgh report their impressions of Carnegie Mellon have fallen, and not risen. Instead of finding CMU cool for the first time ever, students say they are disappointed by the “degree of nerdiness” and hard work that goes into Carnival.

Students at the …

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Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • I met Santa Claus, she's black • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Elves join UAW Local 1701 • King Charles III to consider castling • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Elves join UAW Local 1701. • King Charles III to consider castling • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers.