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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Honey, hand my my ReadMe

By Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder starts where trauma stops: a defense of forever wars

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Netflix realized years ago the key to customer retention is to make sure nothing ever ends. Once an episode stops, the next starts before you can decide if you even liked the previous one. The rest of America can learn from this: if endless content keeps millions of people from …

Answers: Last Week’s Crossword

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Across

OREO
UTA
AIOLI
ILIAD
TRUE
ZIGZAG
ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM
IONE
TERI
POLO
IDENTIFICATION
TELL ME …

The kids are alright.

// Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Student Tells All: Internship at Anduril

By Camilia Creutzfeldt • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

With fall break on the horizon, it's safe to say that we've fully settled into the semester. Yet, I still get people bringing up my summer internship at Anduril. That was two whole months ago! Most often, the people who bring it up are just classmates who want to find …

KGB Presents: BabyMe

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Readme has hired world's funniest baby

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Here at ReadMe, we’re hip with the youth. That’s why we make sure to give equal opportunity to comedians of all ages. And well, earlier this week, we found some truly outstanding talent: the funniest baby ever.

Herbert, 0 years old, was born with an innate knack for comedy …

Religious Proclamation of Gun-Fearing Disciples

By joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

On the 250th anniversary of this nation, and the 2026th anniversary of the Christians’ God, my so-called unalienable right to freedom of religion has been, regrettably, alienated.

CMU has deemed my ceremonial bazooka “inappropriate for a safe campus environment”, despite it meeting the ATF’s 51” limit. Carrying this sacrosanct …

On buying a minifridge

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Are you considering buying a minifridge for your dorm? A miniature refrigerator can be a great addition to your dormitory room. You can use it to keep leftover dining hall food fresh, keep beverages chilled, and so much more! Having your very own minifridge is sure to make you one …

A Disease for Every Department

By README • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

CFA
Architecture: Sick building syndrome
Art: Rabies Design: Mono ( type, lithic, tonous, nucleosis)
Drama: Hysterical pregnancy
Music: Tinnitus
CIT
BME: Plague
ChemE: Overdosing
CivE & EnvE: Tetanus
ECE: Herpes (both are 40% of the population)
EPP: No disease, just getting repeatedly run over by a car
MSE: …

Illustrations of stick figures getting injured in various ways, with bold text reading "STOP STICKMAN ABUSE."

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

A picture of a white sand beach with the text "The Summer I Turned Into A Cocaine Addict" superimposed.

Anonymous • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Carnegie Mellon Updates Enrollment Contract, Since Nobody Reads Those Things Anyway: Here are Some of the Details

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

In an email sent directly to students’ spam folders, Carnegie Mellon University has announced changes to the contract signed by all students upon enrollment. “Because no one is going to read this,” Provost Jim Garrett writes in the email, “we are proud to announce that we have made some of …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Following a disappointing showing from readme in the first issue, we were going to fire the entire editorial staff and replace them all with variants of ChatGPT. We are told this will cut costs and raise profits, but unfortunately, due to labor laws, immigration laws, marriage laws, and regular old …

A flowchart to determine if readme likes you back. Both outcomes are yes.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Boeing's Accident Rate Drops 15% After Buying a Slightly More Expensive 3D Printer

By Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

EVERETT, WA

After a streak of disastrous quarters for the aerospace industry giant Boeing, a new audit reveals that their commercial airliner accident rate has fallen by approximately 15%. Internal memorandums note a new development at R&D is to thank for this success: an upgrade to the 3D printers …

Sanitation Concerns Raised over Birth in Bethlehem Stable

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

BETHLEHEM, Judea – Locals are shocked that a young Galilean woman named Mary has given birth in a manger. Although many have no qualms about sharing their living spaces with domesticated animals, some are saying that a stable might be a bit too far. Experts confirm that a manger is …

The Funniest Joke Ever

// Mar. K. O. • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

I Saw Mommy Kissing Scotty Dog

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Wow, mommy's kissing Scotty Dog
I saw mommy kissing Scotty Dog
Right beside the sweepstakes track last night
She didn't see me creep
Past the booths to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up in my dorm room, fast asleep

Then I saw mommy tickle Scotty …

README Announces Partnership With Lockheed Martin

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

As the world begins to reckon with the effects of global war, the definition of what is considered warfare has broadened significantly. Modern warfare is not just conducted on the battlefield: it is carried out in the home and in the minds of every enemy citizen. Ever since humanity’s …

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

As always, Readme has another very real crime report. Only the best for our dear loyal readers. Anyways, here are the crimes!

Student’s Mouse Problems Turns Ugly

Recently, two CMU students had been sued by the Mouse himself after selling charms and prints featuring a black anthropomorphic mouse …

A Day in the Life at CMU Miami

By Citron • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

8 AM. My alarm beeps twice. I jolt awake, panic, and swing my arm at it. Miss. Shit.

“IT’S KENNETH C. GRIFFIN O’CLOCK!” it bellows, and tinny notes soon follow. Can’t switch it off now – turning off the official Kenneth C. Griffin theme song is liable to suspension …

CMU to literally go to war with U of Pitt

By Kyle Hynes • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

PITTSBURGH, Pa. The cannons were readied. The troops were in position. We had the element of surprise.

Twelve twentyfive p.m.

President Jahanian, standing in Napoleonic fashion behind the frontline that had assembled atop Warner Hall, let his arm drop and gave the order. “Fire!”

Four explosions, …

"Please date me. I am desperate. It has been so long since I've felt the touch of a woman. None of the Hinge lesbians want me :( I am: funny, good(ish) writer, ethical, and knowledgeable on Wikipedia. I am so lonely."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

A target labeled "use this square to swat bugs."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Introducing Carnegie Mellon's newest advertising partner: Ribbed for your pleasure

// µllom • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

The Spinning Jenny is sapphic, actually.

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

The story you’ve been told about the Spinning Jenny is a lie.

Years of queer erasure and the narratives of straight men have hidden the true lesbian love story that is the Spinning Jenny. While your history books tell you that it was a yarnspinning device invented by James …

Top Secret: 2027 Chartwells Dining Concepts

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

This confidential document was given to us by an insider within Chartwells, the division of Compass which provides food to colleges instead of prisons. Our staff has chosen to publish it unaltered.

Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a freeforall as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • If you're so progressive, why doesn't your International Women's Day post pass the Bechdel test? • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the ImpalyStabber, and the Twist • Gelt still more real than crypto • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Music major hooligan takes a stand • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a freeforall as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • If you're so progressive, why doesn't your International Women's Day post pass the Bechdel test? • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the ImpalyStabber, and the Twist. • Gelt still more real than crypto. • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Music major hooligan takes a stand. • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer.