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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Do Your Part. Buy Meal Blocks

By joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Tales from Beyond Frick Park: The One and Only Journey

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Mr. Vizinyos delighted in recounting his tales of yonder. Paris, he explained, was Shadyside if Walnut Street had been widened to the point of absurdity; Venice resembled the South Side Flats when flooded; Tokyo was naught but Downtown if Downtown extended forever and the PRT went everywhere, anytime; and, naturally, …

Pittsburgh's Newest Invasive Species

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

You’ve seen them around. They didn’t exist here a few years ago, but now they’re all over the place. If you don’t know what they are, you might think they look kinda cool. Really, they’re destroying our environment.

Pittsburgh’s newest invasive species has no natural predators. It destroys its …

Low-quality image with a circle and arrow pointing at some indiscriminate pixels with the text "Cool Bird Spotted On Campus!!!"

Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 9, 2026

Let us take a few things from your plate

// joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

A Short History of CMU

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 9, 2026

CMU came into being when the eponymous Andrew Carnegie discovered Doherty, Porter, and Baker Halls during an excavation while preparing for the construction of a new US Bureau of Mines building. Modern archaeologists have been unable to conclusively pinpoint their age, though the pale Kittanning bricks certainly predate homo sapiens. …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Why It's Really Called Au Bon "Pain"

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Never, ever go near Au Bon Pain if you care about your dignity. Please humbly take my story as a cautionary tale.

It was a beautiful Thursday evening. I was headed to a dinner date with my girlfriend at Revolution Noodle, but young and foolish as I was, I …

CMU to increase free speech "by any force necessary"

By joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

A core pillar of our democracy and liberty has always been the right to freedom of expression. The Founding Fathers famously freed speech from its shackles of Europeanism with the signing of the 1st amendment (unfreed slaves notwithstanding).

Carrying on this tradition, CMU president Farnam Jahanian announced, “CMU is …

CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

By Degai Hupharts • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

"John Biren for President (definitely not Biden we swear)" / "VOTE" / "Remember, age is just a number" [image of Joe Biden in a fake moustache and dark glasses]

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Self-Care For The Self-Destructive

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Welcome, freshmen, to Carnegie Mellon! You’ve got a busy week ahead, one of so very many, so make sure you enjoy this one while it lasts. After all, come next week, and you will be launched into a world of coursework, clubs, and career choices that will define the rest …

[TODO]

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

[TODO]

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Hey Alums! Here's what's new on campus

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Welcome back to campus, alumni! We hope that you have fun during carnival, and that the school brings back warm memories of your time here. CMU’s changed a lot since you’ve graduated, but don’t fear: readMe is here to get you up to speed.

Schatz has acquired its first …

A movie poster for "Real Classes Have Curves."

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

An image captioned "Scotty Game / Rules: don't look at this Scotty dog!". The image is of a Scotty dog which contains the text "Game Over."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

A picture looking up at Walking to the Sky captioned "you're almost there!"

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Interwar Update

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Once again, we’d like to thank you, dear reader, for continuing to stick with readMe through these turbulent times. You probably never imagined that the US government would declare us illegal, but alas, much like cocaine and alcohol before us, it seems like Uncle Sam has a penchant for criminalizing …

A Freshman's Guide to Avoid Freshmen who read "A Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid"

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

It'll be a typical day at CMU. The clouds are out, you're stuck in Wean, and the highlight of your day has been a $6 latte from La Prima. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you'll spot a particularly unattractive freshman (not that you'd have opinions on the …

An ad for a work-study employment opportunity which pays $1250 to $2404 weekly. It offers good job security for post-graduation, including a guarantee of multi-year employment. You can travel overseas, work with land and sea vehicles, and develop close networks with major American tech companies. If interested, reach out to a recruiter with your name, other biographical details, and previous combat history. (The background fades to a camo pattern.)

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

Updates from Physics

By Mr. Anomalocaris • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

An announcement sent out earlier this week to Carnegie Mellon University students has created widespread controversy and discourse. The email, as seen below, disclosed an important warning for all students to avoid the Gates Hillman Centre on 11/25/24.

Many on campus are worried about the potential implications of …

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

What happens if you stay up late in Gates 8?

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

I am a fan of Gates 8. It's high up with a gorgeous view of campus, but not too high. It's quiet, but just noisy enough that you know it's safe. Sometimes I hear a skittering I can't quite place. I study, I play games, sometimes I just read …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

An advertisement containing formal-looking serif text and an image of a Tartan reporter in a suit whose head has been digitally altered to appear smushed. It reads: "Are you a reader of the Tartan? No? We're not surprised! Read The Tartan if you hate: asking questions; independently verified claims; proofread work; anything other than interviews; proper kerning; ...AND MORE!" followed by a quote "After all, just because someone said it, doesn't mean it's true" (attributed to "that guy over there")

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

How to tell if my Hinge crush is a honeypot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’ve been dealing with quite the conundrum and was hoping that you, an incredibly intelligent consumer of ReadMe, would be able to help me. You see, I just wanted to get laid. There are few opportunities for romantic or sexual escapades when you’re an alumnus of Carnegie …

REPORTS: CMU Nothing Like Jewish Sleepaway Camp

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Freshman Ari Steinberg has spent every summer at Camp Ramah in New England since he was 9 years old, so he thought living in a traditional triple on the third floor of Mudge would be easy as alef, bet, gimel. And he was ready to survive a few weeks of …

A Novel Approach to Union Busting

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Running a small business is hard. In today’s world full of soulless corporations, it is inspiring to see hardworking American families succeed in honest business ventures like buying out the competition and passing the result down to their children. Unfortunately, the world is often cruel to those with pure intentions. …

Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • King Charles III to consider castling • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Presumably Masturbation, or, how I learned to stop worrying and love being sexiled • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • King Charles III to consider castling • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Presumably Masturbation, or, how I learned to stop worrying and love being sexiled. • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser. • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies.