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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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If You Don't Read This Magazine, We'll Kill This Dog


Confessions of the Fence Eater

As many of you know, I am about to be expelled from CMU for taking a bite out of the Fence. The vitriol I’ve received from faculty and alumni for this victimless crime has taken a tremendous toll on my mental health, and I would like to present my side …

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Lights! Camera! Action! The CMU Pornography Club

Much to the delight of erotism aficionados and carnality enthusiasts, a salacious new club is coming to the CMU campus in the 26-27 school year. The CMU Pornography Club, established by third-year Rajesh Cummings, aims high.

“We don’t just want to release the decades of pent-up sexual frustration that …

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Top 10 Milkable things on campus

Thirsty? Good. You read the headline. You know what you’re here for.

Number 10: The Doherty-100 automatic water bottle filler. Mechanically speaking, positioning your receptacle under a dedicated drink-dispensing orifice qualifies as milking. Viscerally, it does not quite scratch the milking itch – but it is a worthy introduction …

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Bio-Computing at CMU Promises to Revolutionize Queer Literature

“It is sacrilege that anyone graduating from Dietrich as an English major could even consider the possibility of having a stable career” – Unnamed Computational Biology researcher. With the unveiling of ChatGPT-4o early this summer, along with constant daily advancements in AI technology, artists are feeling mounting pressure as their …

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We're broke

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

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Argumentative Essay

In this course, I (along with my peers) have developed fundamental skills in argumentation—both the synthesis and analysis of argument, and its application in a modern context. In this essay, I have been asked to take a side on one of the most controversial issues in today's America, and to …

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A photo taken with a smartphone camera at night of one of the sculptures of a person at the base of walking to the sky, with harsh front-camera selfie lighting. A Snapchat-style text overlay reads: "Nooo don't walk to the sky, your [sic] so sexy ahaha"
An image of water balloons flying toward Hunt Library, superimposed with letters spelling "WE GAZORCH...and so can you."
An air-to-air missile with wheels and a buggy-style push bar. It's captioned "new Lockheed Martin sponsored buggy, coming soon to a civilian town near you."

I'm going to punch you (John Lennon)

Out walking
I’ve got a shovel
And a crow bar
And a copy of Catcher in the Rye
And my fists
I am going
Going to punch you

Like a priest
I move with holy purpose
Towards an asshole
Unlike the priest
Not in a sexual way
Though I …

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Four logos: "work" with the "o" replaced with a scotty dog, "pipe it up" with bagpipes, "hang in there" with an emoji-ified Farnam Jahanian, and a sketch of Wean labeled "concrete jungle where dreams are made of".

Students Rush to Buy Sunscreen After Registering for CMU Africa

While the majority of students at CMU register for classes at CMU’s Pittsburgh campus, every year, several students accidently register for classes in CMU-Africa’s Rwanda campus without fail. Scotty’s Market and Entropy report a sunscreen shortage as students rush to buy sunscreen after being advised to prepare for a “warmer …

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A chart labeled "undefined behavior in C: d10 effect" with outcomes including "your screen color inverts", "signed integer overflow now discards the overflow bits", and "you are overcome by a sense of peace and wellbeing."

Nine-and-a-half theses on comedy

  1. When the humorist writes, he ought to will the entire piece be one of intelligibility.

  2. Satire cannot be understood as merely the presence of references and proper nouns; artificial intelligence, Farnam Jahanian, Palantir, and Charlie Kirk do not a joke make.

  3. When …

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A coupon offering "1 Free Advice" from Grey's Wingman Service (circa 2022).

Navigating funding in the face of budget freezes

On December 4th, the students of Carnegie Mellon voted 97% in favor of freezing the Student Senate budget. As the Senate has scrambled to rewrite the budget, student organizations are exploring alternative ways to receive “Supplemental Funding” in time for their events rather than weeks after. We here at ReadMe …

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A great-depression-era bread line, but for mental health.

Readme Missed Connections: Wean 5

It was roughly 12:30 pm, Tuesday, October 29th, and I was en route to Wean 7500 for my Mechanics lecture. I enter through Wean La Prima and take the stairs usually, however, I saw that one of the elevators called to go up just arrived at floor 5. The elevator …

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An infographic on the "top 10 ways to prevent firearm cruelty," advising how to treat firearms with kindness and respect. "Every firearm deserves a home."

Easy Alternatives To Fixing Your Heater!

With the current weather conditions, it is important that everyone stays safe, and more importantly warm. However, when the heater has to be fixed seven times in one month– and still isn’t working– it might be time to look for alternatives. Heaters can be a bit out of the price …

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Crystals for home improvement

2025 is sure to be quite a stressful year, and Readme is here to help. With the guidance of nature’s most magical healing entities, become one with the spirits and dispel the cockroaches in your dorm. The healing crystal techniques described here have been used since the dawn of Carnegie …

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What are they carrying to the sky?

Walking to the Sky, installed in 2006 by prominent war criminal Jonathan Borofsky, is an iconic fixture of CMU's campus. Many have noticed that on some cloudy mornings, the statue standing on its lowest rung will be one step higher, and a new soulless, gendered sculpture will have taken its …

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Readme Reviews: Wake Up Dead Man

Father Judd was working alone in his study, doing religious things, and sitting in a mahogany chair. Suddenly the door opens. He smiled, happy to see a familiar face. “Ah! Blanc, how can I help you?” “Well you see uh Fathuh, I was just perusing my local Barnes and Noble …

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CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Strangely, CS student's grade performance lines up with Cursor billing cycle • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020 • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election. • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Strangely, CS student's grade performance lines up with Cursor billing cycle • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020. • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans