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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

We Killed The Dog


The War on South Craig Street

“I always say, as you know, that if my fellow citizens want to go to Hell I will help them. It's my job.” Oliver Wendell Holmes.

By the summer of 2026, Avirat Kohli had had enough. Two great armies were converging on his Indian grocery, and what would …

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KGB "Scav Hunt" data trains AI to assist in ground invasion

A campus event named ‘Scav Hunt’ by the KGB, a student organization, has come under fire after data from the venue was allegedly used to train an AI model, rumoured to potentially assist in a ground invasion of Doherty Hall.

While event-goers reported being "mildly amused” and unsuspicious, likely …

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CMU's Cease and Desist to Radford University Finally Arrives After Being Lost in the USPS Pipeline for 103 Years

At the beginning of this week, a The Tartan spokesperson revealed to Readme in an exclusive interview that CMU Administration and The Tartan were planning on reviving a copyright dispute that is over a century old against Radford University. As it turns out, CMU is not the only institution with …

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My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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Fence demolished in zoning dispute

An unknown, century-long zoning conflict between Carnegie Mellon and the city of Pittsburgh has recently come to light in a particularly destructive way: the Fence, a CMU tradition harking back to the early days of the university, is to be demolished next Wednesday.

On November 31, 2023, municipal …

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Gay Target Nutcrackers find true love

T’was a dark and stormy night in the Target warehouse. It had been months since June, and all but one little gay nutcracker had found a forever home. Tears streamed down the face of the little gay nutcracker. Was he unlovable? Was he destined to be alone? Was this all …

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BREAKTHROUGH: Man Crushed by Falling Piano, Killed by Banana Peel

(CMU) - In 1945, one J. Robert Oppenheimer oversaw the first detonation of a nuclear weapon, and for decades thereafter the institution of physical sciences was seen for what it is: a dominant force of the universe surpassing human confines, and one of the great sciences, a real science, ethically …

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What happens if you stay up late in Gates 8?

I am a fan of Gates 8. It's high up with a gorgeous view of campus, but not too high. It's quiet, but just noisy enough that you know it's safe. Sometimes I hear a skittering I can't quite place. I study, I play games, sometimes I just read …

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An illustration of a stick figure being attacked by the Scotty dog in the CMU logo, captioned "beware feral scottie dogs."
An air-to-air missile with wheels and a buggy-style push bar. It's captioned "new Lockheed Martin sponsored buggy, coming soon to a civilian town near you."
A screenshot of a Gmail conversation in which a student asks for an extension on C0VM due to being on the front lines of a battle, described in intense and gory detail. A reply from Iliano Cervesato states, "if you can type, you can code."

Rightward Shift in Optimal Arousal Level to Maximize Productivity

From the enclosure movement in 18th century England, the owning class has been tasked with answering how to maximize the productivity of their peons. As the modern American university becomes increasingly corporate and a profit-seeking endeavor, similar questions are now being asked by university administrators. Many things have been tried …

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What to say to a tour guide

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

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Poetry Corner

Chuck Schumer’s Glasses
Chuck Schumer’s Glasses
Precariously perched
Tilted and tepid
How does he look up?
Or straight forward?
Or in any direction that isn’t at a 60 degree angle?
Left with many questions
I seek
No answers
Just Chuck

Fiddler on the Roof
Without traditions
Our …

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The Worm's Perspective: A Review of RFK's Brain

The human brain comes in a variety of different forms, from the quick and witty to the dull and sluggish. I had the opportunity to taste a unique and rare brain a few years ago, and had I known whose it was, I would have eaten the whole thing- what …

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An Open Letter to William Shakespeare

How now, sirrah, churlish Bard, bacon-fed knave!

Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat who taketh the name “William Shakespeare,” take heed! Thou seducest the innocent masses into sin with thy profane plays and pompous poetry. We address our grievances in the style thou’rt most fond of: the sonnet.

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Illustrations of stick figures getting injured in various ways, with bold text reading "STOP STICKMAN ABUSE."

Could Drunk Driving be Better than Sex? 7 good reasons (and 1 bad one)

One of the great tragedies of the human condition is that two of the most forbidden of sins are also the simplest pleasures of life: sex and drunk driving. But for one brief moment, allow me to let comparison be the thief of joy as I pit these iconic vices …

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CMU Student Senate clarifies fetal personhood policy

The Fence is a proud tradition in CMU's history, with a short and simple set of rules. One such rule is that so long as two people are "holding" the fence by staying within its encircling gravel pit, no others may lay claim to it.

This simplicity falls apart, …

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Boeing's Accident Rate Drops 15% After Buying a Slightly More Expensive 3D Printer

EVERETT, WA

After a streak of disastrous quarters for the aerospace industry giant Boeing, a new audit reveals that their commercial airliner accident rate has fallen by approximately 15%. Internal memorandums note a new development at R&D is to thank for this success: an upgrade to the 3D printers …

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A diagram of a cruise ship cabin with 16 silhoettes of people packed in in various uncomfortable configurations.
Alcohol Awareness: Have you been aware of alcohol today? • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Readme and the Tartan officially break up ­ "It’s not you, it’s me" • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Local first­-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Elves join UAW Local 1701 • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • Alcohol Awareness: Have you been aware of alcohol today? • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Readme and the Tartan officially break up ­ "It’s not you, it’s me" • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Local first­-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls. • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Elves join UAW Local 1701. • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm.