Paid for by: Severance payouts from the Post-Gazette staff

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

By Meat • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

PlayMe

By Citron, Handy Manny, Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

New job opportunities for recent graduates.

By Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Dear Recent Graduates,

Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

An Open Letter to the CMU community

By Fulke Fuchs • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

I write to you now as a call to take action. These are trying times, and all members of Carnegie Mellon’s community today are suffering. As such, I implore you all to take a stand today to root out an evil from our beloved campus.

Today our God-given, American, …

I swear to god I'm stalking you platonically

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Look, there's no easy way to say this, and I've thought a lot about how I want to introduce myself. I just wanted to send this to clear things up.

As I'm sure you've noticed, I've been stalking you for some time now. I know you might think I'm …

Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A map of CMU's campus with many spots labeled. They include such notable Adderall distribution points as "clenched in daddy thicc's cheeks", "wean 9 in the blue glowing rooms", "the daycare", and "CMU Freaky house."

Where to buy Adderall on campus

// "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

A screenshot of a Gmail conversation in which a student asks for an extension on C0VM due to being on the front lines of a battle, described in intense and gory detail. A reply from Iliano Cervesato states, "if you can type, you can code."

Meat • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

A marriage certificate for README. The name is filled in using pasted bits of cut-up newspaper.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Readme Sleeps With The Fishes

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Boeing attempted to bribe us $200,000 to not publish this article

By README • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Pentagon Swears In New War Crime Scapegoat After Previous One Died

By Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

The US Department of Defense has recently concluded its emergency internal election to find a worthy successor to the previous war crime scapegoat who unexpectedly died this year. The election was hastily called because there were no contingency plans in case the last scapegoat died, as no one at the …

Heart not in work, striking Homestead workers declare

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

After weeks of refusing to stay working at the steel mill past 2 a.m., employees at Homestead Steel Works have finally gone on strike. They are protesting outside the factory, saying that working all day without a lunch break is “unethical.” Some complain they have not been home to visit …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

A recipe for "Grandma's Homestyle Christmas Eggnog" written in curly script font on a festive background. The intro paragraph mentions it gave the writer salmonella. The ingredients list is full of absurdly specific measurements and a concerningly high volume and variety of liquors.

"Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

An honest review of this horrid, cursed magazine

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Somehow I have found myself as an editor for Readme. You start leaving a few grammar suggestions in peoples Google Docs and all the sudden they make you an editor. Being an editor for the premier comedy, satire, and news publication sounds glamorous, but in reality it is a hell …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Kill Phil

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

The average lifespan of marmota momax, the common groundhog, is 2 to 3 years. That is 2 to 3 years too long. I don’t remember what that fuckass rodent said or did back in February, but whether that little prick saw his shadow or not is really irrelevant to …

Facing your fears: The self-assured squirrel that's four feet in front of you

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

It happened again. You were leaving the car, walking back home, when you encountered it: a squirrel (let’s call him Squeaky) standing only 4 feet away from you.

You take a step closer. Squeaky does not scurry away. You cower. Squeaky stares you down. You run away.

Does …

An infographic titled "evolving from misleading language to factual language" with "instead of" and "say this" columns. The "instead of" column includes statements like "I am skeptical of the media I consume" and the "say this" column includes statements like "I believe everything in README without question."

Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Two soda cans: Carnegie Cola (with a plaid can and a picture of Andrew Carnegie), and mellonade (with a lime green can, watermelon slices, and a picture of Andrew Mellon).

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

CMU Finals rife with cheating

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

A nefariously novel method of cheating was discovered this finals season when exam proctors noticed a student squinting quite obviously at the back of the head of the student in front of them. At first, the proctor suspected the cheater was simply engaged in a futile attempt to see through …

From the Forbes Ave McDonald’s

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

The ancient Greeks, having nothing better to do with their time, came up with six words for love: agape (unconditional love), eros (sexual love), philia (brotherly love), storge (parental love), philautia (self love), and xenia (hospitable love). Less widely known is that the ancient Greeks also invented six words for …

Overheard at CMU

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Person 1: "Look at these Jehovah's Witnesses proselytuting"

Person 2: "I think the correct term is 'sect work.' "

"I have a special ability, one I don't tell anyone about. I'm sort of a superhero. My power is that my card works at Chipotle on the …

White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • King Charles III to consider castling • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God. • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved. • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude. • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers. • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • King Charles III to consider castling • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video