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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

We're broke

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

Tales from Frick Park IV: They have a mouth and must not scream

By 'Bertram' "Bertie" (Wilberforce) Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

“Alright everyone, if we could gather in a semicircle—yes, perfect— watch your step there. Welcome to Carnegie Mellon University! My name is Victor and I’ll be your tour guide today.

Behind me you’ll see one of our most iconic landmarks: Walking to the Sky. Feel free to take a …

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

What to say to a tour guide

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

Auntie ReadMe’s: How To Participate In Carnival Traditions

By Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Well, it’s really a shame that I died under “mysterious circumstances” the week before Carnival, because dying kind of sucks and there are several Carnival traditions that center it, such as “the crucifixion of every member of the losing booth orgs on their leftover pieces of wood.” That’s okay though, …

README Insurance Scam Comes to Light

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Last night readMe’s very own chief editor Eshaan Joshi was extradited by the Trudeau administration under several counts of insurance fraud. It was found that for the past three years he has been claiming several life insurance policies from readMe staff along with abusing Canada's generous healthcare policy.

The …

Readme Reviews

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Readme knows you don’t have time to read books just for funsies. So we did the work for you. Enjoy these thorough, accurate, and detailed reviews of popular titles.

50 Shades of Grey: 10/10. This wonderful collection of paint samples was a great help to me when …

CMU to host the Olympic Games

By 'Bertram' "Bertie" (Wilberforce) Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) …

Overheard at CMU

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Person 1: "Look at these Jehovah's Witnesses proselytuting"

Person 2: "I think the correct term is 'sect work.' "

"I have a special ability, one I don't tell anyone about. I'm sort of a superhero. My power is that my card works at Chipotle on the …

Steam Tunnels Missed Connection

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

I was once going on a leisurely night-time stroll around campus buildings in November, which offers me the comfort of heating, and to give me the opportunity to explore buildings I otherwise don't have classes in. Doherty hall, in particular, is a complicated maze to the non-art student — and …

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

With Carnegie Mellon's tuition continuing to rise following the exponential function e(x) = fuck you, the amount of money that I can sink into readme is starting to dwindle. I've been trying to defraud several investors by promising good quality, funny content, but unfortunately, nobody has taken the bait yet.

…

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Navigating funding in the face of budget freezes

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

On December 4th, the students of Carnegie Mellon voted 97% in favor of freezing the Student Senate budget. As the Senate has scrambled to rewrite the budget, student organizations are exploring alternative ways to receive “Supplemental Funding” in time for their events rather than weeks after. We here at ReadMe …

Senior Starts Quantitative Finance Firm Specializing in Block Market

By 'Bertram' "Bertie" (Wilberforce) Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

At Carnegie Mellon University, the start of the 2025 school year has witnessed the rise of a new financial titan: a junior Computational Finance major, Manya N. Power, has launched QuantBlock Solutions, a quantitative finance firm specializing in trading the block market. “The emotional, speculative trading of the freshman selling …

Tepper Unveils New Hell Campus

By Benner Rogers & Gavin Radford • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

“We fought hard to ensure our students a prime location. It’s like a stu-cation! Which is what we’re calling it when one of our students goes to Hell.”

Dr. S. A. Tan, Office of Tepper Study Abroad Programs

May I offer you a George Michael in these trying times? [photo of a cute dog]

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

15-112 Declared War Crime by Hague, CS Academy Under Investigation

By A. Axolotl • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Joining catastrophes in Sudan, Uganda, and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the first 15-112 midterm has been declared a war crime by The Hague International Criminal Court.

A README reporter ventured into the wasteland that was DH 2210 last week, to document the disaster that experts are now calling …

On buying a minifridge

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Are you considering buying a minifridge for your dorm? A miniature refrigerator can be a great addition to your dormitory room. You can use it to keep leftover dining hall food fresh, keep beverages chilled, and so much more! Having your very own minifridge is sure to make you one …

A coupon offering "1 Free Advice" from Grey's Wingman Service (circa 2022).

Grey O'Hara • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

SCANDAL AT CMU: The SECRET Behind ANSYS Hall's Weight Gain

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Exclusive! The dedicated journalists of ReadMe news have been carefully following ANSYS Hall the past few weeks. As one of the youngest buildings at Carnegie Mellon, it has a lot to live up to. Completed in 2019, ANSYS is one of the hottest buildings on campus. It’s outfitted with large …

A movie poster for "Real Classes Have Curves."

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

BREAKTHROUGH: Man Crushed by Falling Piano, Killed by Banana Peel

By Gavin Radford • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

(CMU) - In 1945, one J. Robert Oppenheimer oversaw the first detonation of a nuclear weapon, and for decades thereafter the institution of physical sciences was seen for what it is: a dominant force of the universe surpassing human confines, and one of the great sciences, a real science, ethically …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

One's a magazine. One's a human. Now they're married.

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Just a few short articles ago, they were strangers. One, a newspaper, born in a VersaLink printer, and the other, a student of Carnegie Mellon University. They're an unlikely couple, but they show that love truly has no bounds. Their wedding is set to take place on the scenic slopes …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11 • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • If you're so progressive, why doesn't your International Women's Day post pass the Bechdel test? • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11. • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • If you're so progressive, why doesn't your International Women's Day post pass the Bechdel test? • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter.