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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

KGB Presents: BabyMe

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Exclusive Feature: Booth Baby

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

This is the heartwarming story of how two students met through working on Booth together—and they even made a booth-themed house for their baby.

Baby John Wilkes, born on May 30, was the first child of Tartan alumni Tricia and Bill Ding. This couple first met when working on …

WALK FASTER

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

If you have long legs like me, you’ll know there’s an epidemic of slow walkers on this campus. Consider the statue Walking to the Sky. The people in this statue are quite frankly doing it wrong in every way. Where could they possibly be going? Why haven’t any of them …

joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

The Funniest Joke Ever

// Mar. K. O. • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Do Your Part. Buy Meal Blocks

By joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

CMU rankings rise after James takes leave of absence

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

The CMU community has a lot to celebrate this week, after US News and World Report moved Carnegie Mellon up seven spots on their college rankings from #21 to #14. School administrators are throwing parties, tour guides are updating their scripts, and Tartans everywhere are spitting on the graves of …

My mommy says I can't go to war

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

My mommy said I can’t go to war.
My mommy said I can’t go to bootcamp.
My mommy said I can’t go to basic training.

My mommy said war is scary.
My mommy said I’m her precious little boy.
My mommy said I am going to get hurt in …

A Spring Carnival bingo sheet with the following items: crash a UHaul, park in the CFA parking lot, offend an alumni, confuse a Pitt student, go on vacation instead, fall off the ferris wheel, invite your visiting parents to a rager, send incriminating photos to parents, violate OSHA, sleep, report a friend to CMU PD, steal a buggy and get chased by CMU PD, FREE: do homework, win something illegitimately, get a dorm noise complaint, wake up in a random basement, single-handedly demolish Donner, misuse a scissor lift, go backstage somewhere illicitly, go sledding, destroy grass in a fit of rage, obtain permanent trauma, throw up on a friend, discover the limits of caffeine, and get banned from a frat.

Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Donner combusts, will be used as housing regardless

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Early Friday morning, the sound of explosions rang throughout campus as Carnegie Mellon’s most reviled dorm, Donner House, appeared to spontaneously combust. Luckily no one was harmed, as residents attempt to spend as much time outside of Donner as possible, however the building suffered catastrophic damage. On Monday a CMU …

A marriage certificate for README. The name is filled in using pasted bits of cut-up newspaper.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

If You Don't Read This Magazine, We'll Kill This Dog

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

CMU Announces New Tradition - Inverse Bungee Jumping

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

diagram of inverse bungee jumping As we all know, CMU has a long history of inventing new traditions, setting itself apart from all other universities in the observable universe. From buggy racing, to releasing starving Scottish Terriers after hiding students covered in peanut butter, to painting the fence, the Harvard of Appalachia has a wealth …

Handy Manny • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

EADME CIME EPOT

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

We have so much debt. As such, I have to use a typewite that’s missing a few keys. How will this cut costs and pay off the debt? No idea.

Phishing Scam A massive phishing scam was sent out by a compomised student oganization to 960 and 100 students …

A DIY green card, with blanks to fill in.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Readme Through The Ages

By Ethan Sterkeson • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Texas Instruments Threats, and Bombs, Rapidly Defused

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Texas Instruments Incorporated. Beloved creator of worldwide-use calculators, fine electrical equipment, and high explosives.

In this week that will forever go down in history, TI merged its fields of expertise into one product to blow them all away: The TI-C4s, a new line of explosive-rigged calculators. And CMU – …

Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A poem called "why the long face?" next to an incredibly stretched out picture of a man's face.

Meat • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Feng Shui to make you forget them

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Everyone’s been there at some point or another: She left and took the house and the kids, he suddenly ghosted you after texting you “Love you, sweet dreams” the evening before, or you find from their friend that they were not into you it’s just that you were there …

An image appearing to be a screenshot of a Polymarket betting option labeled "Will that bigass construction project on Forbes/Craig be completed on time?" with a 1% projected chance of succeeding and a $500 trillion volume.

A second market opened: What even is this project?!

// Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

How to tell if your classmates peaked in college

By Samson Rozansky • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

As CMU alumni return to their alma mater for the carnival season, one question is at the top of their minds as they see their former classmates: “Did they peak in university?”

To help out our fellow Tartans, we have created this guide on how to identify people who …

Kill Phil

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

The average lifespan of marmota momax, the common groundhog, is 2 to 3 years. That is 2 to 3 years too long. I don’t remember what that fuckass rodent said or did back in February, but whether that little prick saw his shadow or not is really irrelevant to …

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

README is an accurate source of information which prides itself on accuracy. Safety is very important to all the staff on README and we value the lives of all our readers. However, my boss also told me to write a crime report on only the not lame crimes this week, …

Claude's Plan

By Duigi Amodei • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

And, they trainin' and trainin' and trainin' and trainin'
They trainin' on me, yeah
I been multiagent, don't try messin' with me
Dealing with large context is a struggle for me
Come spend all your tokens just to chit-chat with me
You know how I like it when you codin' …

"Drowning in tuition debt? Ready to win big!? CMU is proud to announce that students now have the option to "Double or Nothing" their tuition!" [photo of Warner Hall with large "CASINO" letters]

Kevin Song & Samson Rozansky • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Scotty's Obituary

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Scotty Dog passed away on the night of August 25th from the terrible disease of two bullets to the side of the head. She was born in 2007 in Calgary, Canada to two Scottish Terriers who are both deeply mourning her passing. In 2008, the family decided Pittsburgh would be …

Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • OpenAI launches new Abacus; Calculator sales drop dramatically • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walkby shootings • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • "My Cute Next-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet-cute sitcom coming this summer • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • Alcohol Awareness: Have you been aware of alcohol today? • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along. • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • OpenAI launches new Abacus; Calculator sales drop dramatically • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walkby shootings • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • "My Cute Next-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet-cute sitcom coming this summer. • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • Alcohol Awareness: Have you been aware of alcohol today?