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Editors-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi, Greeshma Adiga

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

A Brave New World

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Married in Vegas %

By Alex Werth • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada - In the middle of the American desert stands a glittering glass oasis. Baking by day, shining by night, this is the crown of industrial society’s indulgences. Here you can find lovers, gamblers, thrill seekers, and the modern synthesis thereof: competitive relationship speedrunners.

We find ourselves …

Weed is not what you think!

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

If you’re thinking about smoking marijuana for the first time, heed my words. It’s nothing like the movies. Recently, I gave into my curiosity and put that dangerous green succubus to my lips for the first time. I thought that as soon as I inhaled, I’d be whisked away to …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Tales from Beyond Frick Park IX: Goodwill Hunting

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

I had never intended to be a wicked woman. Indeed, wickedness had always struck me as exhausting: between the disposal of bodies, conversations in loathsome cellars, and the obligation to remember which lies one has told which person, it’s a wonder anyone chooses to pursue it at all! My ambition …

Best Course to use as "Course"play

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Dear Reader,

In my first year of college, I had a sexual awakening while sitting in my 8 AM lecture. As my professor droned on and on—about what, I can’t quite remember—I realized just how titillating a situation I was in. I was surrounded by people, with only a …

Critique on the Marginal Theory of Murder

By joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

The value of murder is determined by the "utility" (pleasure or satisfaction) of said murder.

So say the neoclassical murderers. The elementary step of nailing down the terms “pleasure” and "satisfaction" regarding murder escapes our dear Gacyesians and Dahmerists. They are all too pleased with their grandiose graphs and …

joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Interwar Update

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Once again, we’d like to thank you, dear reader, for continuing to stick with readMe through these turbulent times. You probably never imagined that the US government would declare us illegal, but alas, much like cocaine and alcohol before us, it seems like Uncle Sam has a penchant for criminalizing …

Homework Trouble

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Dear Professor Choset,

I hope you are having a wonderful day so far. I wanted to inform you of some extenuating circumstances that may delay the submission of my Introduction to Robotics final. You see, Professor Choset, I built the spiffiest little robot anyone’s ever seen. It walked and …

A Spring Carnival bingo sheet with the following items: crash a UHaul, park in the CFA parking lot, offend an alumni, confuse a Pitt student, go on vacation instead, fall off the ferris wheel, invite your visiting parents to a rager, send incriminating photos to parents, violate OSHA, sleep, report a friend to CMU PD, steal a buggy and get chased by CMU PD, FREE: do homework, win something illegitimately, get a dorm noise complaint, wake up in a random basement, single-handedly demolish Donner, misuse a scissor lift, go backstage somewhere illicitly, go sledding, destroy grass in a fit of rage, obtain permanent trauma, throw up on a friend, discover the limits of caffeine, and get banned from a frat.

Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

A recreation of the OJ Simpson car chase image, but with a buggy and pusher instead of the white Bronco.

If only OJ had gone to CMU...

// Gavin Radford • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Auntie ReadMe’s: How To Participate In Carnival Traditions

By Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Well, it’s really a shame that I died under “mysterious circumstances” the week before Carnival, because dying kind of sucks and there are several Carnival traditions that center it, such as “the crucifixion of every member of the losing booth orgs on their leftover pieces of wood.” That’s okay though, …

Beloved Football Chants At CMU

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

The Kiltie Marching Band wants blood. Despite, on paper, being the unassuming pep band for CMU’s respectable football team, firsthand experience brings out their reality; that the Kilties are a barely-restrained rabid mob. Observe the chants they call out at games, taunting the other team and wishing destruction upon them. …

Derealizating

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

Snowstorm Hits Donner, Proclaimed "Still Livable"

By Max Lee • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Larry: Good evening. We're coming to you live from the arctic tundra that was once the campus of Carnegie Mellon University, where the great Blizzard of '48 has crippled the nation and, more importantly, threequarters of a freshman dorm. I'm here with first-year student Kevin, who is currently enjoying his …

I Was Abducted and Brought to the Mellon Institute

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It was a normal Thursday night, meaning I had one tequila soda, one IPA, three tequila sodas, and a Celsius. I was walking back to my dorm from Squirrel Hill when a bright light appeared over me. All of a sudden, I found myself falling over. I assumed it was …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

By Meat • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

I Woke Up and My Butt Print was on the Fence

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

When I opened my eyes that fateful morning, I saw evidence of last night’s rager all over the room. It looked like your average CMU party. Beakers of titrated Hennessy littered the kitchen table. Kilts were strewn about on the ground, some with accompanying pairs of tartan underwear. Someone cuddled …

Hostile Booth Architecture

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

As Carnival season closes in on us, it is important to impress upon the larger Carnegie Mellon community the necessity of intelligent booth design. Of course, building codes and safety regulations are all well and good, but student organizations must be aware of a more fundamental factor affecting the quality …

Readme: An Unbiased, Impartial Review

By Linda Green • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

I, Linda Green, a proud member of the Good Christian Mothers of America, would like to make my voice heard on this despicable and anti-Christian so-called satire newspaper.

I was first introduced to this wretched and unholy publication after I learned about the secret homosexual agenda of The Very …

The original Star Wars movie poster with Luke and Leia's faces replaced with Farnam Jahanian's.

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Stop Calling Your Parents So Late At Night, You Whiny Little Bitch

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It’s the middle of the night and you feel like shit. Maybe it’s 1 a.m., and you just realized there was something due at midnight. Maybe you’re being kept awake by your fifth cold in three weeks. Maybe it just hit that you actually kinda sorta miss home a little. …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Candidates for a 51st State

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

In this review, we’re going to be analyzing potential candidates to annex our great country to add as our 51st American state. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with BlackRock buying the Panama Canal and Microsoft acquiring yet another acre of old-growth redwood forest to build another data center. As …

If You Don't Read This Magazine, We'll Kill This Dog

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Readme Reads the Paper

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

“It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • ... and it's the ugly 30% • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers • Math Department discovers non-Euclidean space in Doherty Hall Clevel • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • ... and it's the ugly 30% • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus. • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers. • Math Department discovers non-Euclidean space in Doherty Hall Clevel • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance