Paid for by: Runoff funds from the Department of War

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Please

By README • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

PLEASE please please PLEASE pelase PLEAES plEASE please PLEaes please pleaseee please please epleae please PLEAse plaeaese please PLAEEEEEEEE please please please please PLAEse PELASE PLEASEPLEASE PLEASPESEpelaseplease please please please please please please pleas EPLAS PLEASE pleas epleas peas peas pleas please pleEASED PLEASEPLEASEPLEASPLEEASPEPLEASEPRLEASE

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We're broke

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

We're broke

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Triamgle Mightmare

By Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

I woke up last night, sweaty from a nightmare of a different world. A different world that made me more scared than I’ve ever been before.

Sine was called sime. Cosine was called cosime. Tangent was called tamgent. In fact, all of trigonometry was called trigomometry. I feared for my …

New Study Finds Vaccines Cause CMU Students

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Many parents have expressed concerns about the possible long-term complications of vaccinating their children. However, leading scientists recently discovered a positive relationship between childhood immunization and readiness for Carnegie Mellon University.

SCS freshman Lily Anderson received the measles-mumps rubella vaccine at age three. By age four, her parents had …

Bio-Computing at CMU Promises to Revolutionize Queer Literature

By Mass of Rat Brain Cells • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

“It is sacrilege that anyone graduating from Dietrich as an English major could even consider the possibility of having a stable career” – Unnamed Computational Biology researcher. With the unveiling of ChatGPT-4o early this summer, along with constant daily advancements in AI technology, artists are feeling mounting pressure as their …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Christmas tips for children of divorce

By Inverse Parental Alienator • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Are you a child of divorce who struggles on holidays? Having two separate Christmas parties can be disappointing and painful, especially for those of you whose parents tolerate each other’s presence enough to come together on your birthday. Well, I have the solution for you! Just follow these simple steps …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

"CMU Crying Club: Wanting to learn what CMU's all about? Tired of crying alone? Has the Carnegie workload finally beaten the life out of your eyes? Join CMU Crying Club! Now partnering with Concepts for even more tears" [stick figures crying]

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

A grid of boxes labeled "Do It Yourself Wordle!"

"Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A word search for the word "word" filled entirely with the letter W (aside from "word" in the center).

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Interwar Update

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Once again, we’d like to thank you, dear reader, for continuing to stick with readMe through these turbulent times. You probably never imagined that the US government would declare us illegal, but alas, much like cocaine and alcohol before us, it seems like Uncle Sam has a penchant for criminalizing …

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Two similar sketches of the base of Walking to the Sky with Warner Hall in the background. In one image, a crushed piano has just landed on top of what is now a splatter of blood.

Spot the difference!

// Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

An advertisement with a picture of a shark in a formal suit. The top reads "want your student loans to sleep with the fishes? Call 1-800-LOAN-SHARK now!". The bottom has long fine print with ridiculous terms.

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Entropy+ Dissolves

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by …

What is Sex? An Investigative Account

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, …

An Open Letter to CaPS

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

It’s that time of year again: Finals Week. Soon, classes will end and the excitement of the end of the semester will kick in. By excitement, I mean, absolute panic. Panic about failing exams, panic about failing classes, panic about your mom’s weird boyfriend at Christmas dinner. With this exciting …

Aw man, Morewood Gardens is on fire again :(

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

"Is your GPA below 3.0? Did you fail your last midterm? Will it take a miracle to pull your grades out of the gutter? You don't need a miracle. You always have another option. ENLIST NOW!" [background fades to camo pattern]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which …

Readme gets divorced

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

I am standing outside the Allegheny County Courthouse, where historic divorce proceedings are happening. Just moments ago, The Tartan showed up for emotional support for the reader. README does not look pleased, I wonder how this is going to play out.

10:06 AM

Readme’s lawyer has requested that …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979 • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • CMU to finally address mental health crisis by installing slightly softer chairs in GHC • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • To meet rising demand, U.S. Mint begins distributing the 1/100th dollar bill • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • Gelt still more real than crypto • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • What to do after your mirror rejects your advances • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • CMU to finally address mental health crisis by installing slightly softer chairs in GHC. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • To meet rising demand, U.S. Mint begins distributing the 1/100th dollar bill • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • Gelt still more real than crypto. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • What to do after your mirror rejects your advances.