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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

Another Night in Pittsburgh

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The whispering rain splats ungracefully onto the cracked pavement. A lightning strike goes unnoticed amongst the flickering neon signs. Those outside cling tightly to their overcoats and rain hats, unable to fully face the despairing night. A Pittsburgh university. A piano. A tragedy. I sit in my malaise, staring at …

Entropy+ Dissolves

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by …

Derealizating

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

On buying a minifridge

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Are you considering buying a minifridge for your dorm? A miniature refrigerator can be a great addition to your dormitory room. You can use it to keep leftover dining hall food fresh, keep beverages chilled, and so much more! Having your very own minifridge is sure to make you one …

The Lottery

By Surley Jacks Son • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The morning of October 27th was cloudy and overcast, with the cold of a mid-autumn day; the leaves of the trees showed hints of orange, and the dutifully maintained grass was richly green. The students of Carnegie Mellon began to gather on the Cut around ten o’clock; the whole lottery …

Readme's production in decline due to Prohibition

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

The pervasive hum of the printing press putting out Readme’s weekly dreck has finally faltered. A well-meaning administrator, upon hearing the rumor the magazine runs on a 70/30 blend of grain alcohol and caffeine, initiated a campuswide effort to enforce the national ban on spirits. The goal was to improve …

Last Rites: The Final Words of a Student Trapped in Gates

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

ReadMe’s most dedicated journalists have recently discovered a letter at the bottom of a Rohr Cafe – La Prima coffee cup, believed to be written by a student who never made it out of the Gates and Hillman centers. Out of respect for this fallen student, we have decided to …

People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian …

The yearly CMU black market finals guide

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Welcome, dear one, to the last academic guide you will ever need.

In this trying season of finals and term projects – when time is short, energy wanes, and we remain besieged by our thanksgiving-fueled, Celsius-charged gut microbiomes – conventional academics are no longer viable. This compendium, brought to …

Paleolithic tribe discovered in ancient Pittsburgh cave system

By Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

A routine safety inspection of the steam tunnels beneath Carnegie Mellon University went awry when an unexpected wall collapse revealed the heart of a still living ancient empire. When FMS workers attempted to survey the oldest section of CMU’s steam tunnels last Sunday, they accidentally triggered a minor sinkhole. The …

Buggy: An Introduction

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:

1) You are short
2) You went …

Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

CARNEGIE FEET PICS LEAKED

By Meat • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Funny Pranks We Legally Can't Tell You To Pull During Carnival

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Pulling pranks is great, just yesterday I pulled a hilarious prank where I put opioids in a guy’s beer. With Carnival leading to all kinds of people being out and about on campus, it's the perfect time for a little fun. But maybe you’re tired of the same old boring …

SCS Students to join call centers en masse

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

This afternoon the Office of International Education in collaboration with the School of Computer Science announced an exciting opportunity for all Computer Science majors. Students will be given the opportunity to provide Microsoft tech support in various call centers throughout India. This will provide them hands-on experience with both programming …

CMU's Cease and Desist to Radford University Finally Arrives After Being Lost in the USPS Pipeline for 103 Years

By Phong • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

At the beginning of this week, a The Tartan spokesperson revealed to Readme in an exclusive interview that CMU Administration and The Tartan were planning on reviving a copyright dispute that is over a century old against Radford University. As it turns out, CMU is not the only institution with …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread …

The Grass is Greyer on the Other Side

By Jasmine Papino-Wood • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Carnegie Mellon University is a globally regarded institution. With one of the best computer science programs in the world, a booming arts scene, and plenty of ways to engage its students, it’s no wonder CMU has such a strong reputation. Not only is this school academically challenging, providing students with …

NYC Renter SHOCKED by Spacious Booths

By Bridget McMahon • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Wednesday. 2:00 PM. Pittsburgh.

It was supposed to be a fun weekend getaway, but for 28-year-old Manhattan barista and renter John Novak, even a glimpse into the festive booths at Carnival turned into an existential crisis on the state of real estate.

“It was insane. I went in …

Making Money on Campus

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

The unfortunate financial situation you’re in is not uncommon among new students. You may have managed to get into CMU — yippee! — but you had to give up your life savings and right arm in order to pay tuition. While Valentine’s Day will never be the same with the …

Leaked CMRC Plans for Missile Silo Under the Cut

By Citron & µllom • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

In a shocking discovery this Tuesday, one of our reporters found that Carnegie Mellon Rocket Command has mocked up CAD schematics for a missile silo to be housed underneath The Cut. According to our source, the silo is to be about 30 feet wide and 120 feet deep; it …

CaPS announces new mental health app

By Dr. Dee Pression • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

The CaPS Division of Student Affairs has published an announcement for a new mental health app this week. The brand new application, available sometime within the next two months, comes after a conclusive study done by Dr. Et Al on the happiness of students on campus. The study, titled “Carnegie …

OCs Accidentally Create a Cult

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Friday morning students woke up to the news that regular orientation activities were shut down by CMU PD due to orientation counselors accidentally creating a cult. This decision was made in the wake of Carnegie cup’s carnage. While details are murky, efforts to relocate the fence to Wean’s roof, and …

Auntie Readme's Ten Things They Never Taught You In High School

By Cindy Gao & Dr. Et Al. • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

While schools drill certain indisputable facts, such as “the moon landing was filmed at Area 51” and “Ted Cruz’s father was involved in the JFK assassination” into the impressionable young minds, they also peddle deceit, push conspiracy theories, and propagate outright falsehoods. Fortunately, I am here with the world’s premier …

Iliano Spills All, Denies Ties to CIA!

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

On November 7th, README secured an interview with one of CMU's most famed figures: Dr. Illiano Cervesato, the professor for Principles of Imperative Computing. Reproduced below are some of the most intriguing, incriminating, and downright intransient questions and answers we got from this unprecedented collaboration.

Your class is infamous …

President Eisenhower warns America how fucking cool the Military Industrial Complex will be

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

This past Monday morning of the wonderful current year of nineteen fifty I can’t be bothered to look up the right year, President Dwight Destructenator Eisenhower stepped onto the stage at a 9 a.m. press conference and chugged from his liter of vodka as he prepared to give his most …

Readme Investigates CMU's Newest StuCo

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Silly Goose Reporting Line

Though many universities offer student-taught courses, CMU’s StuCo program is unique. It’s better. The newest offering from the StuCo program is 15-122: Principles of Imperative Computation. Over the past few months, several readme journalists have gone undercover as students and enrolled in this course. Here is our unbiased, fact …

Candidates for a 51st State

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

In this review, we’re going to be analyzing potential candidates to annex our great country to add as our 51st American state. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with BlackRock buying the Panama Canal and Microsoft acquiring yet another acre of old-growth redwood forest to build another data center. As …

SASC or SEX? New Coaching Workshop Draws Controversy

By Archibald The Great • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

The Student Academic Success Center's new seminal seminar is under fire after students label it as "gross." The new seminar, designed specifically for finals week, outlines how students can best dress themselves to improve grade performance. "Dress for success!" said Dr. Lacey Skivvies, head of this new initiative. Dr. Skivvies …

Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Rabbi hot?! • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • 98304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11 • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist. • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Rabbi hot?! • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • 98304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident. • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold. • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive. • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week