Paid for by: Mothers against Drunk Buggy Driving
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

If You Don't Read This Magazine, We'll Kill This Dog


Confessions of the Fence Eater

As many of you know, I am about to be expelled from CMU for taking a bite out of the Fence. The vitriol I’ve received from faculty and alumni for this victimless crime has taken a tremendous toll on my mental health, and I would like to present my side …

Read more

What happens if you don't find love during O-week?

I had just broken up with my girlfriend. She saw someone on the tour of her college she liked more than me. There was an option on the housing form called the “Romance Program.” It said that if you don’t find a partner during O-Week, you will work at an …

Read more


"READ ME presents: Tear-Off Universal Final Cheat Sheets™ (Patent Pending) © ®" [a rectangle with 16 pages of illegibly dense text, surrounded by dashed tear lines]
The packaging for "Children's Tylenot [sic]", labeled "Does NOT Contain Acetaminophen"

New job opportunities for recent graduates.

Dear Recent Graduates,

Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …

Read more

Read Me's Recipes from Last Night

The SCS:
• One Monster Energy Ultra White
• One Vanilla Yoplait
• Two shots of Raspberry Vodka

The Tepper:
• One shot of Blue Diamond
• One shot of Coffee Liqueur
• Coke Served with a silver spoon.

The “White Boy speaking a little Espanol”:
• …

Read more

Readme Sells Out

Read more

Illustrations of stick figures getting injured in various ways, with bold text reading "STOP STICKMAN ABUSE."

Updates from Physics

An announcement sent out earlier this week to Carnegie Mellon University students has created widespread controversy and discourse. The email, as seen below, disclosed an important warning for all students to avoid the Gates Hillman Centre on 11/25/24.

Many on campus are worried about the potential implications of …

Read more

An Open Letter to William Shakespeare

How now, sirrah, churlish Bard, bacon-fed knave!

Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat who taketh the name “William Shakespeare,” take heed! Thou seducest the innocent masses into sin with thy profane plays and pompous poetry. We address our grievances in the style thou’rt most fond of: the sonnet.

Read more

On Pediatrics

Read more

Date Recap With README

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

Read more

"CMU Graphic Design Club, sponsored by README (please join, we need artists)" / "graphic design is our passion!!!!" [lots of rainbow colors and poor-quality sketches]
A photograph of a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit, with a cartoonish cat face edited over his head.
A picture of Hamerschlag Hall surrounded by dense fog and tormented ghostly figures. A news headline overlay reads "Hamerschlag ghosts discover death does not grant an extension on 122 homework."

CMU to Issue Free and Open Source Driver's License

In the software industry, the Free and Open Source Software (or FOSS) movement has long pushed for licenses, such as GPL and BSD, which allow code to be seen, copied, and improved upon by anyone. This is in opposition to proprietary software, in which the source code is private and …

Read more

Christmas tips for children of divorce

Are you a child of divorce who struggles on holidays? Having two separate Christmas parties can be disappointing and painful, especially for those of you whose parents tolerate each other’s presence enough to come together on your birthday. Well, I have the solution for you! Just follow these simple steps …

Read more

CMU's New COUNTermeasure Against Protest

In order to properly enforce the new expressive action rule, CMU has hired the educational celebrity, The Count from Sesame Street, to count crowds on campus and make sure none exceed tvventy four. The students seem to be taking the new member of the Carnegie Mellon family vvell. “It’s a …

Read more

A set of six Tarot cards, with designs including "122 AIV", "Stack'd Underground food poisoning", and "abstinence."

Overwhelmed by Irish culture after hearing Kinky Boots once

Though I’ve always considered myself an admirer of Irish culture, I am ashamed to admit I was quite ignorant of its complexities. My appreciation was limited to wearing green on St. Patrick's Day, making offhand comments about leprechauns whenever I saw a rainbow, and eating the occasional potato.

I …

Read more

Crystals for home improvement

2025 is sure to be quite a stressful year, and Readme is here to help. With the guidance of nature’s most magical healing entities, become one with the spirits and dispel the cockroaches in your dorm. The healing crystal techniques described here have been used since the dawn of Carnegie …

Read more

Elves join UAW Local 1701 • "Cowboys and Indians" too politically incorrect? Try "Bombers and Hospitals"! • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex­-as-­a-­service" startup • Bechdel Test added to autograder • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • Elves join UAW Local 1701. • "Cowboys and Indians" too politically incorrect? Try "Bombers and Hospitals"! • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists. • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half. • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex­-as-­a-­service" startup. • Bechdel Test added to autograder. • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary.