Paid for by: The society for Erogenous Xploration
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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A Letter from the Editor

I was on break :)

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SCOTUS strikes down law banning academic weapons in school zones

In a landmark 54 decision, the Supreme Court struck down the Weapons-Free School Zones Act of 1990, ruling it unconstitutional and finding in favor of plaintiff Alfonso Lopez, a student previously deemed an “academic weapon.” Congress’s argument was best encapsulated by Solicitor General Days’s impassioned defense:

The unchecked proliferation …

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Donner combusts, will be used as housing regardless

Early Friday morning, the sound of explosions rang throughout campus as Carnegie Mellon’s most reviled dorm, Donner House, appeared to spontaneously combust. Luckily no one was harmed, as residents attempt to spend as much time outside of Donner as possible, however the building suffered catastrophic damage. On Monday a CMU …

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Interwar Update

Once again, we’d like to thank you, dear reader, for continuing to stick with readMe through these turbulent times. You probably never imagined that the US government would declare us illegal, but alas, much like cocaine and alcohol before us, it seems like Uncle Sam has a penchant for criminalizing …

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ReadMe Bets Entire Budget on Landslide Mondale Election Victory

It’s not the 70s anymore. Hippies are out. Snorting cocaine in a yuppie penthouse is in. ReadMe is playing it fast and loose, strutting down Wall Street with slick backed hair, a new suit, and a son named ReadMe Jr. with a distant look in his eyes and a baseball …

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Leaked CMRC Plans for Missile Silo Under the Cut

In a shocking discovery this Tuesday, one of our reporters found that Carnegie Mellon Rocket Command has mocked up CAD schematics for a missile silo to be housed underneath The Cut. According to our source, the silo is to be about 30 feet wide and 120 feet deep; it …

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Readme Gets Absurd

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Readme Investigates CMU's Newest StuCo

Silly Goose Reporting Line

Though many universities offer student-taught courses, CMU’s StuCo program is unique. It’s better. The newest offering from the StuCo program is 15-122: Principles of Imperative Computation. Over the past few months, several readme journalists have gone undercover as students and enrolled in this course. Here is our unbiased, fact …

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Recruiting poster with an Uncle Sam with Farnam Jahanian's face. It says "I want YOU for README. Nearest recruiting station: [outdated pitch meeting location]. By: the CMU KGB"

Please

PLEASE please please PLEASE pelase PLEAES plEASE please PLEaes please pleaseee please please epleae please PLEAse plaeaese please PLAEEEEEEEE please please please please PLAEse PELASE PLEASEPLEASE PLEASPESEpelaseplease please please please please please please pleas EPLAS PLEASE pleas epleas peas peas pleas please pleEASED PLEASEPLEASEPLEASPLEEASPEPLEASEPRLEASE

www.cmureadme.com/donate

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Overwhelmed by Irish culture after hearing Kinky Boots once

Though I’ve always considered myself an admirer of Irish culture, I am ashamed to admit I was quite ignorant of its complexities. My appreciation was limited to wearing green on St. Patrick's Day, making offhand comments about leprechauns whenever I saw a rainbow, and eating the occasional potato.

I …

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"CIT is proud to announce...the new 'Intro to Civil Engineering' Lab Kit!" [toolbox full of wet concrete, with a shovel on top]
The packaging for "Children's Tylenot [sic]", labeled "Does NOT Contain Acetaminophen"
A "DIY 2-player word search" on a 3x3 grid with words including XXX and OOO.

Evil Careers for those in the Arts (Oh, and the Humanities)

Every freshman comes to CMU with the same dream. They may have different passions, but when they stand up at convocation, each one has the same thought in their mind: my very own Faustian contract is just around the corner. Unfortunately, achieving this dream is easier for some than it …

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Another Night in Pittsburgh

The whispering rain splats ungracefully onto the cracked pavement. A lightning strike goes unnoticed amongst the flickering neon signs. Those outside cling tightly to their overcoats and rain hats, unable to fully face the despairing night. A Pittsburgh university. A piano. A tragedy. I sit in my malaise, staring at …

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SCC To Begin Enforcing Hays Code on Midway

As booth organizations begin to design their booths for the 2025 Spring Carnival, Spring Carnival Committee has announced a controversial new slate of regulations for the upcoming semester. In a press release emailed out to all booth chairs SCC required all booth designs to comply with Hollywood’s 1934 Hays Code. …

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Novel Methods of Preventing Wasteful Elevator Use at CMU

Introduction

When John Elevator first unveiled elevators at the Chicago World Fair in Des Moines IA, 1462, the technology immediately garnered worldwide adoption. Buildings could access untold verticality once the ascension of hundred-floor constructions was no longer bounded by the feeble power of human muscle and bone, but …

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A set of six Tarot cards, with designs including "122 AIV", "Stack'd Underground food poisoning", and "abstinence."
An ad promising to "enhance your erected with this one simple trick," next to photos of Walking to the Sky (100 ft., maybe) and the Cathedral of Learning (535 ft.).

Pentagon Swears In New War Crime Scapegoat After Previous One Died

The US Department of Defense has recently concluded its emergency internal election to find a worthy successor to the previous war crime scapegoat who unexpectedly died this year. The election was hastily called because there were no contingency plans in case the last scapegoat died, as no one at the …

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Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API • I went back in time and fucked Isaac Newton to prevent calculus, and other shocking confessions • Tired of protein shakes? Gym bros invent "carb shakes" comprised of beer, ground pasta, and soft-serve ice cream • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor. • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API. • I went back in time and fucked Isaac Newton to prevent calculus, and other shocking confessions. • Tired of protein shakes? Gym bros invent "carb shakes" comprised of beer, ground pasta, and soft-serve ice cream. • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing