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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Why does financial aid prosper while the endowment starves?

A specter is haunting CMU. You can see it in the hazy air, smell it on the crusty Entropy sign, feel it on the shadeless Mall. It’s a modern­-day tragedy. The poor are killing our endowment.

Andrew Carnegie laid down the endowment’s first million dollars himself. From the very …

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Nursing homes begin to accept new senior patients

With CMU in the top 15 of the US News National Universities Rankings, students are looking for ways to leverage their school’s newfound reputation to prepare for the post-college lives. “Before, I was worried I’d have to live out my final days in the eighth best nursing home in my …

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CMU PhD Student Actually Born Yesterday

As college admissions become more and more competitive, so do the applications for graduate school. So competitive, in fact, that a newborn child was recently spotted being wheeled in a carriage over to their Advanced Statistical Theory II seminar.

Savants are nothing new at CMU, but one-day-old Weiss …

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Hungry?

Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.

Doherty Hall:

Doherty is a year-round …

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The Man, The Myth, The Farnam

Hey you, did you know that Carnegie Mellon University has its very own version of Superman? A larger-than life guy so essential to campus life whether social, financial, sexual, or academic? A man so powerful he can bend steel beams with his own two hands? A man who can safely …

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README experts analyze a game of Chess 2.0

We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate throughout the seventeen and …

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18-100 to introduce larger toolkits

ECE freshman carrying black and yellow tool kits is an ever-popular sight on Carnegie Mellon’s campus. Originally introduced to publicly shame people for choosing ECE as a major, the tool kits cemented their place when the head TAs for 18-100 realized they could store lab materials within the tool kits. …

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An ad for "rent-a-mom", which offers "styles" including "helicopter mom", "soccer mom", and "millennial mom". A disclaimer states "each sold separately. family therapy is at no additional charge."

The REAL and UNADULTERATED TRUTH about Spring Break

Hello readers of this esteemed magazine. I come to you with the TRUTH about Spring Break. I must write quickly before they find me. I’m not supposed to be telling you this…

This semester I enrolled in 15-451, a simple algorithms course to fulfill my SCS requirements. In the …

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Proposal for a new meme

Recently, I have noticed an uptick in discussion of the upcoming “Grand Theft Auto VI” video game, particularly in a humorous manner. Every time I visit social media platforms on the Internet, users make jokes about the various goods and services released onto the consumer market (or notable occurrences) before …

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Carnegie Mellon to offer new exchange programs

If the news here in the US of A is starting to get to you, don’t fear. CMU has announced two new exchange programs so you can get the hell out of here, at least for a year.

By popular demand, the CMU-CMU program will be opening next year, …

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Cruella De Vil walking through an ornate door with a large grin. She's holding a cloth bag in front of her, about as tall as she is, which is dripping through at the bottom.
A flowchart to determine if readme likes you back. Both outcomes are yes.

CMU Finals rife with cheating

A nefariously novel method of cheating was discovered this finals season when exam proctors noticed a student squinting quite obviously at the back of the head of the student in front of them. At first, the proctor suspected the cheater was simply engaged in a futile attempt to see through …

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Cervesato captured by Pres. Jahanian in nighttime operation

Picture yourself this morning in section DDDD of 122. The topic is data structures, and Prof. Iliano Cerversato, known affectionately by his students as "Iliano" or "The Null Pointer", is giving a spirited talk on implementing frangible lists in C2. Suddenly, the door of Rashid is blown in with an …

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2026 Winter Olympics set to debut Calvinball

Upon donations by mysterious benefactors, Calvinball is now part of the Winter Olympics. The following is an account of the first match, an embroiled battle between Botswana and Burkina Faso, as retold by an unnamed Calvinball aficionado watching from a safe distance.

GESLING STADIUM Students flocked to the arena …

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Leaked CMRC Plans for Missile Silo Under the Cut

In a shocking discovery this Tuesday, one of our reporters found that Carnegie Mellon Rocket Command has mocked up CAD schematics for a missile silo to be housed underneath The Cut. According to our source, the silo is to be about 30 feet wide and 120 feet deep; it …

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Students Rush to Graduate as End of World Looms

DECEMBER 20, 2012 - While CMU students have always tried to graduate in less than 8 semesters, only the quickly approaching demise of all life on Earth could incentivize even the most burnt out underachievers to get their degree before spring. Despite astronomers’ insistence that Sagittarius A* is too far …

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Rules are for fools

I saw Nasreddin walking from Doherty to Hammerschlag by way of Flagstaff Hill. “Nasreddin,” I said, “That route’s way too long. You should just go through Wean.” “Exactly, everyone will be taking the shortcut.”


One day, Nasreddin saw a sign on the Cut: KEEP OFF GRASS. He picked …

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Are You a Lazy Bitch? Automating Your Human Interaction With Claude

Being a mediocre friend takes a lot of work. Is some dumb bitch blowing up your phone, asking inane questions like “are you free this weekend?” or if you “want to grab a drink :)”? Do you have a friend incapable of getting the hint that you do like them, …

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They will greet us as sexual liberators

The saddest day of my life has been, without question, the death of Pitt's beloved former vice chancellor Dick Cheney. On the 4-month anniversary of this somber occasion, I'd like to republish the 2003 interview another of our staffwriters had with him, which represents the purest encapsulation of his fighting …

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Readme Goes to Shul

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Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics. • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games. • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks. • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling