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All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Please

By README • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

PLEASE please please PLEASE pelase PLEAES plEASE please PLEaes please pleaseee please please epleae please PLEAse plaeaese please PLAEEEEEEEE please please please please PLAEse PELASE PLEASEPLEASE PLEASPESEpelaseplease please please please please please please pleas EPLAS PLEASE pleas epleas peas peas pleas please pleEASED PLEASEPLEASEPLEASPLEEASPEPLEASEPRLEASE

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Please

By README • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

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Triamgle Mightmare

By Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

I woke up last night, sweaty from a nightmare of a different world. A different world that made me more scared than I’ve ever been before.

Sine was called sime. Cosine was called cosime. Tangent was called tamgent. In fact, all of trigonometry was called trigomometry. I feared for my …

Please

By README • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

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Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

We're broke

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

I Was Abducted and Brought to the Mellon Institute

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It was a normal Thursday night, meaning I had one tequila soda, one IPA, three tequila sodas, and a Celsius. I was walking back to my dorm from Squirrel Hill when a bright light appeared over me. All of a sudden, I found myself falling over. I assumed it was …

README Announces Partnership With Lockheed Martin

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

As the world begins to reckon with the effects of global war, the definition of what is considered warfare has broadened significantly. Modern warfare is not just conducted on the battlefield: it is carried out in the home and in the minds of every enemy citizen. Ever since humanity’s …

They will greet us as sexual liberators

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

The saddest day of my life has been, without question, the death of Pitt's beloved former vice chancellor Dick Cheney. On the 4-month anniversary of this somber occasion, I'd like to republish the 2003 interview another of our staffwriters had with him, which represents the purest encapsulation of his fighting …

Overwhelmed by Irish culture after hearing Kinky Boots once

By Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Though I’ve always considered myself an admirer of Irish culture, I am ashamed to admit I was quite ignorant of its complexities. My appreciation was limited to wearing green on St. Patrick's Day, making offhand comments about leprechauns whenever I saw a rainbow, and eating the occasional potato.

I …

A flowchart to determine if readme likes you back. Both outcomes are yes.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

ReadMe Announces Launch of New Dog-Watching Ring

By Ryan Chernoff • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Are you a proud Tartan? Do you like copious amounts of violence? Have you tried to participate in dogfighting but were too concerned about the legality? Fortunately for you, earlier this week ReadMe executives failed to thoroughly read my amendments to the yearly budget and have now approved plans for …

A set of four fake CMU missed connections: "To the asianest asian who ever asianed, I'm so into you (because you're asian)", "To the guy who was walking through Doherty two weeks ago, who I will provide no further descriptors of, you're so fine", "To the girl I've been unflinchingly staring down for the whole semester, I can't tell if you're into me or deeply terrified of me, but I think we both want the same thing [smirk emoji]", and "I wanna fuck my TA so bad"

A representative sample of CMU Missed Connections.

// "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

One must imagine Sisyphus' Heart is in the work

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students …

New ID Loopholes allow for underage drinking!

By Phong • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Readme is proud to announce that it will be hosting a party this Friday night to welcome all incoming freshmen present for o-week, and yes, there will be alcohol. To be invited, simply bring a copy of this week’s Readme issue with you and show it to our bouncer. “What …

We're broke

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

An image which contains the text "the Carnegie Mellon semester of humiliation" in CMU-consistent branding.

author_name • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Date Recap With README

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

…

Tired of Binge Drinking? Try Vibe Drinking

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Let me tell you about a CMU student named Bob. I actually don’t know a person named Bob at CMU, but let’s just say he’s real. Like many other students at CMU, he has no friends, no girlfriend, no money, no sexual activity, no summer internship lined up, no loving …

CMU announces austerity to reduce funding woes

By Thatcher Maggie • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Amidst rising inflation costs and increasing building maintenance fees, Carnegie Mellon University administration voted to implement austerity measures as a cost-cutting measure.

The English department will be entirely destroyed, as there are only 4 English majors anyways, and all social sciences will have budgets slashed in half, and the …

My Love Affair with Raymond John Wean

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Dear Reader,

It started as most romances do, with a meet-cute in a coffee shop. La Prima Espresso at the entrance of Wean Hall has always been one of my favorite places to grab a drink between my life-threatening engineering classes, but I had no idea just how important …

Making Money on Campus

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

The unfortunate financial situation you’re in is not uncommon among new students. You may have managed to get into CMU — yippee! — but you had to give up your life savings and right arm in order to pay tuition. While Valentine’s Day will never be the same with the …

CARNEGIE FEET PICS LEAKED

By Meat • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Carnegie Mellon Secedes!

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

A map of the borders of the newly-seceded Carnegie-Mellon Republic In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state …

A chart labeled "undefined behavior in C: d10 effect" with outcomes including "your screen color inverts", "signed integer overflow now discards the overflow bits", and "you are overcome by a sense of peace and wellbeing."

Wade Cheng • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

An advertisement with a picture of a shark in a formal suit. The top reads "want your student loans to sleep with the fishes? Call 1-800-LOAN-SHARK now!". The bottom has long fine print with ridiculous terms.

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Last Rites: The Final Words of a Student Trapped in Gates

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

ReadMe’s most dedicated journalists have recently discovered a letter at the bottom of a Rohr Cafe – La Prima coffee cup, believed to be written by a student who never made it out of the Gates and Hillman centers. Out of respect for this fallen student, we have decided to …

Don't Come Back

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It’s Spring Carnival, meaning our campus is once again clogged with the shambling corpses of alumni who refuse to die with dignity. This is a group that includes you, probably, and if it doesn’t, it will. Every April, you ooze back onto campus in your quarter-zips, grinning like dim-witted Golden …

Math Department discovers non-Euclidean space in Doherty Hall Clevel • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games • CUC gym administrators remove all first-floor machines to make space for a merchandise sweatshop • Remember to tip your TAs! • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first-week students • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • Student who once contemplated an evening of selfcare and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Linguists invent new slur for couples • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Math Department discovers non-Euclidean space in Doherty Hall Clevel • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games. • CUC gym administrators remove all first-floor machines to make space for a merchandise sweatshop. • Remember to tip your TAs! • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first-week students • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • Student who once contemplated an evening of selfcare and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Linguists invent new slur for couples. • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed.