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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

There will come soft Tanks

By Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

“The bathrooms are down to your left, past the staircase,” he threw out to no one in particular. His hardened grey face stared, with a thousand-yard stare, into an assortment of broken glass, bent metal, and the vandalized remains of a few abandoned bikes that had been left for far …

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

'Bertram' "Bertie" (Wilberforce) Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A Grad Student's Guide to Carnival

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Me and the freshman from the other page have one thing in common: we have never been to Spring Carnival. If you’re a first year Master's student, you need to lock in, because there’s a good chance your program (which also has a 1 in 5 chance of having the …

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

A poll of students labeled "why were you at a CMU football game?" [pie chart with the following data: "thought it was a 112 recitation" is 35.5%, "I heard chicks dig sports guys" is 4.8%, "lost" is 16.1%, "if a ball hits me I get an excused absence" is 16.1%, and "my friend is in Kiltie and begged me for two hours" is 27.4%]

Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

A word search in the wingdings emoji font.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Field Guide To Sabotage

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

So, you’ve noticed that CMU’s annual Spring Carnival is right around the corner. Maybe you’ve also noticed the midterm season slump that’s hit campus, stopping boisterous spring semester plans in their tracks. You’ve noticed that your competition for booth and buggy just keeps chugging along while you’ve been left …

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

CMU to host the Olympic Games

By 'Bertram' "Bertie" (Wilberforce) Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Claude's Plan

By Duigi Amodei • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

And, they trainin' and trainin' and trainin' and trainin'
They trainin' on me, yeah
I been multiagent, don't try messin' with me
Dealing with large context is a struggle for me
Come spend all your tokens just to chit-chat with me
You know how I like it when you codin' …

Freshmen take part in Tate McRae raves in abandoned CaPS offices

By @tqte.mcra3_hq on twt • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

If your evening strolls ever take you past E-Tower at dusk on Fridays, you may inexplicably be drawn to an ethereal siren song issuing from some secluded room on the first floor. I advise you, dear reader, to resist the temptation to investigate – for I have probed the depths …

A Song for Dear Ol' Tech

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

I am the very model of a student here at Carnegie,
With plans to triple major in AI, CS, and ECE
I've memorized the answer key to every leetcode medium
I spend my time on Stack Exchange to mitigate the tedium

I’ve crashed in classrooms everywhere from Gates to …

A chess board in the starting position captioned "Puzzle 1: mate in 34."

Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

A College Student's Guide to saving money

By Lord Duke His Majesty Higglebottoms • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

As I wrap up my first semester of college, I have begun to reflect on all of the new experiences and people I have met. One of these is “poor people”. College has exposed me to a breadth of new experiences and I have realized some people are in the …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Experiences that count (for Experiential Learning)

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Mow the cut.
Grow a historically accurate Baroque garden on CFA lawn.
Find a turtle outside of WQED. Take Space Robotics's latest rover for a walk.
Go to the floor meeting your RA insists is mandatory.
Start a multi-level-marketing scheme on the block market.
Finish your homework several days before …

Illustrations of stick figures getting injured in various ways, with bold text reading "STOP STICKMAN ABUSE."

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Meat • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

Silhouettes of a man with a CRT screen for a head and another man pointing guns at each other on Pausch bridge. It's captioned "explore Human-Computer Interaction at CMU."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Farnam done with the jokes; challenges any student brave enough to a duel

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

On March 23, 2026, Farnam Jahanian stood in front of an eager crowd of students, stakeholders, and passersby to give the State of the University Address. But what he actually had to say shocked the eager crowd, bystanders, upstanders, netizens, and several global leaders.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” began CMU’s …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

CS Students to be Decimated, Roman Legion-style

By Phong • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Early this week, SCS students would have been informed via email that a tenth of the SCS student are to be culled, and the email would have included details on how which students are selected to be put to death. Any SCS students who have not seen such an email …

A map of CMU's campus with many spots labeled. They include such notable Adderall distribution points as "clenched in daddy thicc's cheeks", "wean 9 in the blue glowing rooms", "the daycare", and "CMU Freaky house."

Where to buy Adderall on campus

// "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

A bar graph showing the following data: 3 responses for the Tartan, 8 responses for readme, and 16 responses for "stop talking to me."

Readme Polls: Do you read Readme or the Tartan?

// Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Boeing's Accident Rate Drops 15% After Buying a Slightly More Expensive 3D Printer

By Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

EVERETT, WA

After a streak of disastrous quarters for the aerospace industry giant Boeing, a new audit reveals that their commercial airliner accident rate has fallen by approximately 15%. Internal memorandums note a new development at R&D is to thank for this success: an upgrade to the 3D printers …

Readme: Sex Sells

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning • Tenth dentist speaks out • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games • Math Department discovers non-Euclidean space in Doherty Hall Clevel • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Are you tired of being normal? I'm not, so fuck you! • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along. • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum. • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband. • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning. • Tenth dentist speaks out • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games. • Math Department discovers non-Euclidean space in Doherty Hall Clevel • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Are you tired of being normal? I'm not, so fuck you! • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats