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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Tales from Beyond Frick Park: The One and Only Journey

Mr. Vizinyos delighted in recounting his tales of yonder. Paris, he explained, was Shadyside if Walnut Street had been widened to the point of absurdity; Venice resembled the South Side Flats when flooded; Tokyo was naught but Downtown if Downtown extended forever and the PRT went everywhere, anytime; and, naturally, …

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Rat Authorities Ignore Human Infestation in Mudge

If you’re a rat in Carnegie Mellon University, you may love hanging around in many places—Darting around Hunt Library, sliding down Baker Hall, serving food at Yella’s, or being served as food at Yella’s. However, the largest and longest- standing safe haven for rats is undeniably Mudge House. Formed in …

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Readme's Homework Eating Service

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

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Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid

Welcome to CMU, class of 2029+. When you first step onto campus, you may find yourself overwhelmed by the staggering number of clubs to join and people to meet, but if you're anything like us at readme, your first priority will always be one thing: sleeping with freshmen.

We've …

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An honest review of this horrid, cursed magazine

Somehow I have found myself as an editor for Readme. You start leaving a few grammar suggestions in peoples Google Docs and all the sudden they make you an editor. Being an editor for the premier comedy, satire, and news publication sounds glamorous, but in reality it is a hell …

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CMU's Cease and Desist to Radford University Finally Arrives After Being Lost in the USPS Pipeline for 103 Years

At the beginning of this week, a The Tartan spokesperson revealed to Readme in an exclusive interview that CMU Administration and The Tartan were planning on reviving a copyright dispute that is over a century old against Radford University. As it turns out, CMU is not the only institution with …

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A plinko board in a voting machine box, with buckets at the bottom bearing images of Kamala Harris, Donald Trump, and Vermin Supreme.

A Novel Approach to Union Busting

Running a small business is hard. In today’s world full of soulless corporations, it is inspiring to see hard­working American families succeed in honest business ventures like buying out the competition and passing the result down to their children. Unfortunately, the world is often cruel to those with pure intentions. …

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Stop Calling Your Parents So Late At Night, You Whiny Little Bitch

It’s the middle of the night and you feel like shit. Maybe it’s 1 a.m., and you just realized there was something due at midnight. Maybe you’re being kept awake by your fifth cold in three weeks. Maybe it just hit that you actually kinda sorta miss home a little. …

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Help! I woke up naked in Rashid Auditorium! What now?

Waking up naked in Rashid: It happens to the best of us. I, personally, have had this experience at least fourteen times throughout my stay at CMU, so I put together this guide to pass on my knowledge.
Well, you’ve woken up naked in Rashid Auditorium. What do you do?

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Four logos: "work" with the "o" replaced with a scotty dog, "pipe it up" with bagpipes, "hang in there" with an emoji-ified Farnam Jahanian, and a sketch of Wean labeled "concrete jungle where dreams are made of".

CMU Finals rife with cheating

A nefariously novel method of cheating was discovered this finals season when exam proctors noticed a student squinting quite obviously at the back of the head of the student in front of them. At first, the proctor suspected the cheater was simply engaged in a futile attempt to see through …

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Andrew Carnegie had the right idea

People who know me in person may know that I am a man who wears underwear. But shopping for men's underwear feels really gay, because you have to like, look at lots of men in underwear. This is a problem, because I am very homophobic.

I considered wearing women's …

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CMU to host the Olympic Games

JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) …

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An illustration of a stick figure being attacked by the Scotty dog in the CMU logo, captioned "beware feral scottie dogs."
An air-to-air missile with wheels and a buggy-style push bar. It's captioned "new Lockheed Martin sponsored buggy, coming soon to a civilian town near you."

Following surprise come-from-behind campaign, George Michael announced as U.S. President Elect

president elect In a landslide victory, George Michael has successfully secured his victory in the 2024 Presidential Election. This marks the first time a third-party candidate has ever won a presidential election in United States History. Michael is also the first animal to reach the position of Commander in Chief since Garfield’s …

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CMU Apologizes For Typo, Tuition to Increase by 37.2% Instead of 3.72

The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email writer, who also ghostwrites for …

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CMU to Issue Free and Open Source Driver's License

In the software industry, the Free and Open Source Software (or FOSS) movement has long pushed for licenses, such as GPL and BSD, which allow code to be seen, copied, and improved upon by anyone. This is in opposition to proprietary software, in which the source code is private and …

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A quiz labeled "Am I Austistic Quiz" with the subtitle "Find out now for free!" It has three questions: "What's your name?", "What's your date of birth?", and "Do you have autism?" (with options A and B for yes and no respectively). At the bottom, upside down text says "Key: Did you mostly select 'A'? You're autistic! Did you mostly select 'B'? Chances are you're not autistic."

Undergrad Senate Exposed for Really Craving Wingstop

PITTSBURGH, PA

(Whis L. Blower)

In a shocking turn of events this past Tuesday, the Undergraduate Student Senate, a committee of 38 seemingly famished individuals, has been secretly indulging themselves in oodles of the most mediocre fried chicken known to mankind. Now you, reader, might be asking, "Whoa …

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Tax Guide for Santa's Presents

After much confusion and arrests during last year’s Christmas, the IRS has decided to release an official tax guide for any presents received from Santa. This will be a comprehensive 50-page guide listing all the various rules for how to declare these presents, factoring things like value, type, Christmas spirit, …

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Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Controversy over Rev Noodle slogan: "Are you ready for the revolution?" • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual' • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • CMU kills suspected 122 cheater in targeted strike; 18 civilians dead • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Court rules haunted houses are not acceptable grounds to utilize stand your ground laws • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Controversy over Rev Noodle slogan: "Are you ready for the revolution?" • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual'. • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • CMU kills suspected 122 cheater in targeted strike; 18 civilians dead. • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Court rules haunted houses are not acceptable grounds to utilize stand your ground laws. • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming."