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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Derealizating

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

Interview Transcript, 76-101, Section DD

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Q: Let’s start with some basic information. What is your college and major, and what classes are you taking this semester?

A: Thank you so much for asking this thought provoking question. It is really about the essence of the material if you think about it. Now for me, …

Throwing a BOO-tiful Networking Mixer

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

With Halloween just around the corner, underachieving slackers everywhere are throwing parties. Now, horror movies are pretty scary, but I can’t think of anything more frightening than wasting valuable time on “fun” and “leisure”. Worry not, though: there is a way to celebrate Halloween while still maximizing productivity and increasing …

A Message about the Fence and Discourse at CMU

By Farnam Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Yesterday, Carnegie Mellon University hosted a demonstration of kinetic and potential energy from an as-yet unknown artist. This event was witnessed by two Walking to the Sky statues who considered it a spectacle to behold and by several attendees who called it “brief but memorable,” remarking on how the cacophonous …

A grayscale picture of a smiling dog captioned "Have you seen this dog? Now you have! You're welcome :)"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

On buying a minifridge

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Are you considering buying a minifridge for your dorm? A miniature refrigerator can be a great addition to your dormitory room. You can use it to keep leftover dining hall food fresh, keep beverages chilled, and so much more! Having your very own minifridge is sure to make you one …

A hamburger bun in inverse grayscale with a superimposed question mark.

What is the False Burger? Readme investigates

// Gavin Radford • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

A chess board in the starting position captioned "Puzzle 1: mate in 34."

Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Reasons Why a Nice Jewish Boy Like You Isn't Married

By J. P. Crawfish & Your Mother • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

1) You won’t let me set you up with Rachel Cohen

Rachel is such a nice girl. I’m sure you two would have a lot in common. I saw her mother at Barbara’s shiva last week. Do you remember Barbara? Such a shame! And you know what her mother …

Auntie readme's Advice

By Author Who Asked To Be Credited Only As ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’, Author Who Asked To Be Credited Only As ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’ II, Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

After having been summarily shot for giving advice purely off of the terminally online references in my head, and having been resurrected by a joint effort of ReadMe staff and the biochemical engineering majors due to staff shortages, I am now fully embracing the magic of science and consulting with …

A crossword with some suspicious ingredients.

Jacobi Edge • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

So-called “Platform for Free Speech” Against Freedom of Painting with Balls

By Maximillian Bartholemow VIII • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It is with a heavy heart and a profound sense of betrayal that I must address a grave injustice unfolding on our campus. Not long ago, I was confronted for the innocuous act of painting The Fence with my gonads. This is nothing less than a blatant violation of the …

Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

Novel contraption from the Mechanical Engineering Department

By Dr. Et Al. & John Jahanian • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

In this study, we present a novel device capable of oscillating parameters altering the fabric of contingency, never before seen in literature. While similar contraptions have attempted to distinguish themselves in the field in such a way, none have succeeded, until now. A previous doohickey, developed by Et Al and …

US Gov't to seize coal from stockings

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Last week the US Department of Energy announced a new plan to obtain more fossil fuels. It is estimated that nearly 75% of America’s youth is on Santa’s naughty list(rising juvenile crime rates, internet challenges, and brain rot have been attributed as the main reasons for this). Thus if one …

README Insurance Scam Comes to Light

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Last night readMe’s very own chief editor Eshaan Joshi was extradited by the Trudeau administration under several counts of insurance fraud. It was found that for the past three years he has been claiming several life insurance policies from readMe staff along with abusing Canada's generous healthcare policy.

The …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

I used to hate French People

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

I used to hate French people. As a young denizen of the internet, I spent time in circles that enjoyed ragging on the country and its citizens, and those sentiments festered into my own twisted anger at people I’d never even met. I jeered in history classes, bullied internet strangers, …

I Fucking Hate the 54

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Pittsburgh, a city that prides itself on having some of the strongest transrights protections, seems to have been lying right to our faces. You can declare the Steel City to be a "Trans haven" as much as you want, but that does not answer for the glaring dialectic right in …

A Modest Proposal for dealing with after hours noise

By Dr. Johnathan Speed • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

It is a melancholy object to those who walk though this great campus, when they see the streets and roads crowded with loud-mouthed hooligans. Studious learners must keep their windows boarded, and their doors shut to keep the noise from irresponsible teenagers who, as they grow up, either turn to …

How to tell if your classmates peaked in college

By Samson Rozansky • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

As CMU alumni return to their alma mater for the carnival season, one question is at the top of their minds as they see their former classmates: “Did they peak in university?”

To help out our fellow Tartans, we have created this guide on how to identify people who …

A Song for Dear Ol' Tech

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

I am the very model of a student here at Carnegie,
With plans to triple major in AI, CS, and ECE
I've memorized the answer key to every leetcode medium
I spend my time on Stack Exchange to mitigate the tedium

I’ve crashed in classrooms everywhere from Gates to …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Donner combusts, will be used as housing regardless

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Early Friday morning, the sound of explosions rang throughout campus as Carnegie Mellon’s most reviled dorm, Donner House, appeared to spontaneously combust. Luckily no one was harmed, as residents attempt to spend as much time outside of Donner as possible, however the building suffered catastrophic damage. On Monday a CMU …

A photograph of a mysterious individual handing a large (11×17") piece of paper which says "DOG BREEDING LICENSE" in large bold font to an "unidentified, dashing Readme staffer" in front of the bronze Scotty dog sculpture outside the Cohon University Center. The unidentified staffer is indeed quite dashing. In the photo they're wearing a Bring Me The Horizon hoodie with a readme sticker.

CMU confers Class of '28 Dogbreeding License onto unidentified, dashing Readme staffer

// "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Two soda cans: Carnegie Cola (with a plaid can and a picture of Andrew Carnegie), and mellonade (with a lime green can, watermelon slices, and a picture of Andrew Mellon).

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

So you've heard of 122?

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

So you met a friend during O-week. They're lively, clever, and excited for their first semester at a top-tier university. But a few weeks into the school year, you'll notice them shying away. They won't seem as alive at parties. They'll sit quietly during board game night while everyone else …

Gay Target Nutcrackers find true love

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

T’was a dark and stormy night in the Target warehouse. It had been months since June, and all but one little gay nutcracker had found a forever home. Tears streamed down the face of the little gay nutcracker. Was he unlovable? Was he destined to be alone? Was this all …

SCC To Begin Enforcing Hays Code on Midway

By Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

As booth organizations begin to design their booths for the 2025 Spring Carnival, Spring Carnival Committee has announced a controversial new slate of regulations for the upcoming semester. In a press release emailed out to all booth chairs SCC required all booth designs to comply with Hollywood’s 1934 Hays Code. …

Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual' • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • Megachurch forms PokéStop • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is) • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Student who once contemplated an evening of selfcare and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid • American Study-Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual'. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum. • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action. • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • Megachurch forms PokéStop • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is). • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Student who once contemplated an evening of selfcare and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid. • American Study-Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded. • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist. • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out