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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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We Killed The Dog


The War on South Craig Street

“I always say, as you know, that if my fellow citizens want to go to Hell I will help them. It's my job.” Oliver Wendell Holmes.

By the summer of 2026, Avirat Kohli had had enough. Two great armies were converging on his Indian grocery, and what would …

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KGB "Scav Hunt" data trains AI to assist in ground invasion

A campus event named ‘Scav Hunt’ by the KGB, a student organization, has come under fire after data from the venue was allegedly used to train an AI model, rumoured to potentially assist in a ground invasion of Doherty Hall.

While event-goers reported being "mildly amused” and unsuspicious, likely …

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CMU Announces New Tradition - Inverse Bungee Jumping

diagram of inverse bungee jumping As we all know, CMU has a long history of inventing new traditions, setting itself apart from all other universities in the observable universe. From buggy racing, to releasing starving Scottish Terriers after hiding students covered in peanut butter, to painting the fence, the Harvard of Appalachia has a wealth …

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The Spinning Jenny is sapphic, actually.

The story you’ve been told about the Spinning Jenny is a lie.

Years of queer erasure and the narratives of straight men have hidden the true lesbian love story that is the Spinning Jenny. While your history books tell you that it was a yarnspinning device invented by James …

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I Woke Up and My Butt Print was on the Fence

When I opened my eyes that fateful morning, I saw evidence of last night’s rager all over the room. It looked like your average CMU party. Beakers of titrated Hennessy littered the kitchen table. Kilts were strewn about on the ground, some with accompanying pairs of tartan underwear. Someone cuddled …

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Carnegie cracks down on Crystal Math

Crime cried for help in the quiet halls of Wean last night as an avalanche of crooked Material Science Engineers poured out of room 7500, breaking past red and blue barricades. A report submitted by a Mr. Benjamin Amstutz, a sophomore in MSE, detailed an organized plot to do crystal …

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Auntie ReadMe’s: How To Participate In Carnival Traditions

Well, it’s really a shame that I died under “mysterious circumstances” the week before Carnival, because dying kind of sucks and there are several Carnival traditions that center it, such as “the crucifixion of every member of the losing booth orgs on their leftover pieces of wood.” That’s okay though, …

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"Escaping Samsara for engineers," an incredibly detailed hand-sketched diagram which this alt text could unfortunately not do justice to.

Auntie Readme: I want to get back with my ex!

Free Bird from DC: Hey Auntie, I think I’ve hit a rough patch in my life. It’s February and all this talk of love and relationships has got me all torn up. See, it's been a rough year. I’ve just been feeling like shit. I keep blowing up at all …

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An advertisement containing formal-looking serif text and an image of a Tartan reporter in a suit whose head has been digitally altered to appear smushed. It reads: "Are you a reader of the Tartan? No? We're not surprised! Read The Tartan if you hate: asking questions; independently verified claims; proofread work; anything other than interviews; proper kerning; ...AND MORE!" followed by a quote "After all, just because someone said it, doesn't mean it's true" (attributed to "that guy over there")

Smoking cigarettes is the coward's way out of an oral fixation

It's a late night. I'm a private eye, packing a revolver and a second revolver, 'cause that's what you need in the rough-and-tumble streets of North Oakland. I wear a wire and a long coat, but there's one thing you'll never catch me with, and that's a cigarette drooping from …

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Inventor Claims AI Powered Paperclip "DIFFERENT THAN CLIPPY"

Up-and-coming Silicon Valley entrepreneur Blake Fence introduced his new product WOOORD (stylized all lowercase) at the famed annual SouthWestEast World Tech Conference on Tuesday. Fence presented his novel assistive technology to a room packed with world leaders and the biggest names in artificial intelligence, neural computation, and autonomous agents.

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Candidates for a 51st State

In this review, we’re going to be analyzing potential candidates to annex our great country to add as our 51st American state. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with BlackRock buying the Panama Canal and Microsoft acquiring yet another acre of old-growth redwood forest to build another data center. As …

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Tales from Frick Park IV: They have a mouth and must not scream

“Alright everyone, if we could gather in a semicircle—yes, perfect— watch your step there. Welcome to Carnegie Mellon University! My name is Victor and I’ll be your tour guide today.

Behind me you’ll see one of our most iconic landmarks: Walking to the Sky. Feel free to take a …

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An illustration of a phillips-head screw driving a car.
"Is your GPA below 3.0? Did you fail your last midterm? Will it take a miracle to pull your grades out of the gutter? You don't need a miracle. You always have another option. ENLIST NOW!" [background fades to camo pattern]
Lockheed Martin ad showing a large piece of military equipment on a hill overseeing a large, populous city. It's captioned "the war on Christmas ends with us."

Student Dies of Autoerotic Asphyxiation on Donner Swings

PITTSBURGH, PA In a first-of-its-kind incident for CMU, a student has passed away from asphyxiation by autofellatio, otherwise known as a “self suck incident.” Eyewitnesses report that late Thursday night, the victim approached the playground swings in the Donner Ditch, pulled their pants down, and proceeded to assume a position …

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A DIY green card, with blanks to fill in.
[TODO]

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette takes inspiration from Andrew Carnegie

Steel mills, newspapers, and Carnegie Mellon Architecture: what do these all have in common? They are all built on a foundation of Pittsburgh-based exploitative labor practices. Andrew Carnegie opened his first steel mill in 1875, and with it started Pittsburgh’s cultural obsession with underpaying and overworking the labor force. With …

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Help Wanted: Password Guesses

A check made out from the Make-A-Wish Foundation to readMe Incorporated for $400,000, with a memo identifying it as being for "releasing the children unharmed" As all of you astute readers are likely aware of by this point, your favorite factual news source readMe is going through a mild financial crisis. Luckily, readMe was always aware of this possibility, and four years ago the editor stored a nest egg(courtesy of a friendly local business), just …

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Readme Missed Connections: Wean 5

It was roughly 12:30 pm, Tuesday, October 29th, and I was en route to Wean 7500 for my Mechanics lecture. I enter through Wean La Prima and take the stairs usually, however, I saw that one of the elevators called to go up just arrived at floor 5. The elevator …

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"Wean Eight-­Floor Dash in event of broken elevators" to become Olympic sport • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • CUC gym administrators remove all first-floor machines to make space for a merchandise sweatshop • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Elves join UAW Local 1701 • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • "Wean Eight-­Floor Dash in event of broken elevators" to become Olympic sport. • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded. • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • CUC gym administrators remove all first-floor machines to make space for a merchandise sweatshop. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Elves join UAW Local 1701. • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • RA finds Olympic torch during room check