Paid for by: Artifacts stolen from the CMU Archives

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

A Grad Student's Guide to Carnival

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Me and the freshman from the other page have one thing in common: we have never been to Spring Carnival. If you’re a first year Master's student, you need to lock in, because there’s a good chance your program (which also has a 1 in 5 chance of having the …

New job opportunities for recent graduates.

By Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Dear Recent Graduates,

Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

The Best Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It’s time to expose all of the dirty little secrets of a certain satire magazine, of which there are many. Who would ever do such a terrible thing, not the reputable newspaper you are reading, nope, NOT US. Anyways, unrelated, but please send help and money to our gofundme.

…

I Just Shat Myself in a Macys

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Please bring a change of pants
Its 1 am on a Saturday night and I am in a Macys
I didn’t know they had Macys anymore
Why am I in a Macyies

I ate 4 whole blocks of cheese before coming to Macys
I asked the Macys empoolye where …

CARNEGIE FEET PICS LEAKED

By Meat • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

We're broke

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

Meat • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

War flashbacks to now include midroll ads

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

There has never been war without trauma. Throughout history, countless soldiers have been kept awake by memories of senseless violence. Many combat veterans cannot hear fireworks or smell burning rubber without recalling the horrors of war. While many people see this as a tragedy, America’s leading advertising firms see it …

An ad for a work-study employment opportunity which pays $1250 to $2404 weekly. It offers good job security for post-graduation, including a guarantee of multi-year employment. You can travel overseas, work with land and sea vehicles, and develop close networks with major American tech companies. If interested, reach out to a recruiter with your name, other biographical details, and previous combat history. (The background fades to a camo pattern.)

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

CaPS announces new mental health app

By Dr. Dee Pression • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

The CaPS Division of Student Affairs has published an announcement for a new mental health app this week. The brand new application, available sometime within the next two months, comes after a conclusive study done by Dr. Et Al on the happiness of students on campus. The study, titled “Carnegie …

A screenshot of a Gmail conversation in which a student asks for an extension on C0VM due to being on the front lines of a battle, described in intense and gory detail. A reply from Iliano Cervesato states, "if you can type, you can code."

Meat • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Two similar sketches of the base of Walking to the Sky with Warner Hall in the background. In one image, a crushed piano has just landed on top of what is now a splatter of blood.

Spot the difference!

// Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The Hunt

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

The Penn of Western Pennsylvania, Carnegie Mellon University, is known globally as a hub of innovation, interdisciplinary collaboration, and so much more. Not only are these hardworking students known for their level of involvement in undergraduate and graduate research, but they have also been trailblazers in the field of collegiate …

It's Gone

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

2:33 PM

It’s the day before printing. Time to finally write that article the editor-in-chief keeps asking me for. Let me just check the pitch tracker to see what I’m supposed to write about… huh, it’s just a blank spot next to my name. That’s weird. Our secretary’s usually …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Hey Shorty or Heyyy Shawty CMU Buggy vs Pickup Lines

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

In a few short weeks, buggy recruitment is going to get in full swing. As a warning, here are some choice phrases heard around the buggy tents that our buggy correspondent swears aren't just lame pickup lines.

“How tall are you?”

“Can you get inside?”

“Are you …

Readme Sells Out

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Team USA Ready for World's First Olympics

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

In her recent press conference, the president of the International Olympic Committee, Kirsty Coventry, announced that the IOC is going to embrace scientific accomplishment by adding a performance drug innovation challenge to the programme for Milano Cortina 2026.

“For decades, the IOC has waged an increasingly costly war on …

A quote attributed to Eric Adams in which he prophesizes his own mayorship on January 1st, 2022: "Thirty-something years ago, I woke up out of my sleep in a cold sweat. God spoke to my heart and said, 'you are going to be the mayor January 1, 2022.' And the message was clear. God stated, 'you cannot be silent, you must tell everyone you know.' I would go around the city, pastor, and I would tell everybody 'I'm gonna be mayor January 1, 2022.' People used to think I was on medication." [I checked, this is a genuine Eric Adams quote - rtosh]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Two soda cans: Carnegie Cola (with a plaid can and a picture of Andrew Carnegie), and mellonade (with a lime green can, watermelon slices, and a picture of Andrew Mellon).

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

A coupon offering "1 Free Advice" from Grey's Wingman Service (circa 2022).

Grey O'Hara • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

CMU discovers secret life of Wean Hall namesake

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Wean Hall needs no introduction. As the sole brutalist structure on campus, its stark concrete facade gives an intimidating visage to the campus's hub for science and engineering. Many are vaguely aware of Raymond J Wean, founder of Wean Incorporated, and the namesake of Wean Hall, immortalized in a plaque …

A screenshot of a browser search history filled with "hot fbi agents," surrounded by pictures of FBI agents and hearts. "I know you can see my search history you know how badly I need this <3"

Meat • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered • Rabbi hot?! • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Local first-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona' • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • Should the student handbook legalize blackmail? • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • There's still time to hook up with your professor! • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered. • Rabbi hot?! • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Local first-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along. • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona'. • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • Should the student handbook legalize blackmail? • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie. • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • There's still time to hook up with your professor! • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny