Paid for by: Mugging Carolers and stealing from Santa

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Do Your Part. Buy Meal Blocks

By joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Tales from Beyond Frick Park: The One and Only Journey

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Mr. Vizinyos delighted in recounting his tales of yonder. Paris, he explained, was Shadyside if Walnut Street had been widened to the point of absurdity; Venice resembled the South Side Flats when flooded; Tokyo was naught but Downtown if Downtown extended forever and the PRT went everywhere, anytime; and, naturally, …

Why It's Really Called Au Bon "Pain"

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Never, ever go near Au Bon Pain if you care about your dignity. Please humbly take my story as a cautionary tale.

It was a beautiful Thursday evening. I was headed to a dinner date with my girlfriend at Revolution Noodle, but young and foolish as I was, I …

joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

We Killed The Dog

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Readme's Readme

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

# README

World-renowned satire magazine at Carnegie Mellon University, published every two weeks, unless we’re feeling particularly funny in which case we skip an issue. Originally a way for founder Gerald Readme to evangelize their hardline Pittsburgh separatist beliefs, it has since turned into a way for students to …

Jupiter • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Readme Wins Gold

By Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Duo Push Goes Rogue

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds, the virus will …

Readme Gets Deployed

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Proposal for a new meme

By Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Recently, I have noticed an uptick in discussion of the upcoming “Grand Theft Auto VI” video game, particularly in a humorous manner. Every time I visit social media platforms on the Internet, users make jokes about the various goods and services released onto the consumer market (or notable occurrences) before …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Silhouettes of a man with a CRT screen for a head and another man pointing guns at each other on Pausch bridge. It's captioned "explore Human-Computer Interaction at CMU."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Tax Guide for Santa's Presents

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

After much confusion and arrests during last year’s Christmas, the IRS has decided to release an official tax guide for any presents received from Santa. This will be a comprehensive 50-page guide listing all the various rules for how to declare these presents, factoring things like value, type, Christmas spirit, …

A "BIORAFT Certificate of Universal Completion," which recognizes completion of "Safety" and grants access to: midway without PPE, open-carrying in permit states, level four security clearance in the Pentagon, five free steam tunnel visits, access to diamond vault in Techspark casting room, and admittance to federal group chat (Signal Premium)

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Donner combusts, will be used as housing regardless

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Early Friday morning, the sound of explosions rang throughout campus as Carnegie Mellon’s most reviled dorm, Donner House, appeared to spontaneously combust. Luckily no one was harmed, as residents attempt to spend as much time outside of Donner as possible, however the building suffered catastrophic damage. On Monday a CMU …

Artificial Intelligence – For Real, This Time

By Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

13 minute listen at: https://cmureadme.com/podcasts/artificial-intelligence-for-real-this-time

SAFFRON, BYLINE: Welcome to our first installment of LISTENUP, our new README podcast hosted right here out of the heart of Pittsburgh.

(SOUNDBYTE OF PATRIOTIC BRIDGEBUILDING AND METALWORKING NOISES)

SAFFRON: Today we’re here with a very special guest. I’d like to introduce—

…

Homework Trouble

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Dear Professor Choset,

I hope you are having a wonderful day so far. I wanted to inform you of some extenuating circumstances that may delay the submission of my Introduction to Robotics final. You see, Professor Choset, I built the spiffiest little robot anyone’s ever seen. It walked and …

A Very Readme Christmas

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

An advertisement with a picture of a shark in a formal suit. The top reads "want your student loans to sleep with the fishes? Call 1-800-LOAN-SHARK now!". The bottom has long fine print with ridiculous terms.

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

POST-GAME REPORT: Man Murdered on Walking to the Sky

By Mike Rophon • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Hello everyone! Mike Rophon, ReadMe’s resident sports announcer here to bring you the rundown on the spectacular events of the past few days. Since the sports scene on campus is going through a rough patch, I’ll be bringing you the play-by-play of yesterday’s homicide.

Auntie Readme was found dead, …

A booth which is standing on large chicken legs.

Baba Yaga booth

// Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

A pie chart with the following data: "adrenaline junkie" is 16.7%, "crash test dummy" is 22.2%, "racing movie stunt double" is 52.8%, and "drunk driver" is 8.3%.

Buggy driver career outcomes

// Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Undergrad Senate Exposed for Really Craving Wingstop

By Stella Cedar & Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

PITTSBURGH, PA

(Whis L. Blower)

In a shocking turn of events this past Tuesday, the Undergraduate Student Senate, a committee of 38 seemingly famished individuals, has been secretly indulging themselves in oodles of the most mediocre fried chicken known to mankind. Now you, reader, might be asking, "Whoa …

Help! I woke up naked in Rashid Auditorium! What now?

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Waking up naked in Rashid: It happens to the best of us. I, personally, have had this experience at least fourteen times throughout my stay at CMU, so I put together this guide to pass on my knowledge.
Well, you’ve woken up naked in Rashid Auditorium. What do you do?
…

Pittsburgh's Failing Water Infrastructure

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link; any system should be not judged by its ability to excel in ideal conditions, but rather in its performance under predictable yet adverse circumstances. This week’s blizzard has revealed severe issues within Pittsburgh’s public works sector. It is reasonable to …

"CMU Graphic Design Club, sponsored by README (please join, we need artists)" / "graphic design is our passion!!!!" [lots of rainbow colors and poor-quality sketches]

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

"Have you seen this dog? Now you have! You're welcome :)" [picture of a dog]

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

A Missouri driver's license with all fields blank, labeled "DIY Fake ID".

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Fact Checking The Gettysburg Address

By John Wilkes Booth • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

With the election season reaching its apex, I have found it necessary to untangle some of the webs of misinformation that have been weaved through underhanded political campaigns. At the forefront of this country's greatest deception is none other than the highly esteemed so-called “honest” Abe.

That’s right! If …

Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • How to have a hot AI data center summer • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • In Farnam's absence, students erect golden Scotty Dog statue • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • Alcohol Awareness: Have you been aware of alcohol today? • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • How to have a hot AI data center summer • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer. • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • In Farnam's absence, students erect golden Scotty Dog statue • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool. • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • Alcohol Awareness: Have you been aware of alcohol today? • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me?