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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Do Your Part. Buy Meal Blocks

By joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Tales from Beyond Frick Park: The One and Only Journey

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Mr. Vizinyos delighted in recounting his tales of yonder. Paris, he explained, was Shadyside if Walnut Street had been widened to the point of absurdity; Venice resembled the South Side Flats when flooded; Tokyo was naught but Downtown if Downtown extended forever and the PRT went everywhere, anytime; and, naturally, …

A Short History of CMU

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 9, 2026

CMU came into being when the eponymous Andrew Carnegie discovered Doherty, Porter, and Baker Halls during an excavation while preparing for the construction of a new US Bureau of Mines building. Modern archaeologists have been unable to conclusively pinpoint their age, though the pale Kittanning bricks certainly predate homo sapiens. …

Low-quality image with a circle and arrow pointing at some indiscriminate pixels with the text "Cool Bird Spotted On Campus!!!"

Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 9, 2026

Readme's Readme

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

# README

World-renowned satire magazine at Carnegie Mellon University, published every two weeks, unless we’re feeling particularly funny in which case we skip an issue. Originally a way for founder Gerald Readme to evangelize their hardline Pittsburgh separatist beliefs, it has since turned into a way for students to …

Welcome to CMU!

// Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

We Killed The Dog

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Air Conditioner • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Study finds local tavernkeeps no longer dominant information source for questgoers

By Rock Buddy • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

The Tavern—a place that has always been associated with methodical research. But, according to a recent Pew Research Center poll, tavernkeeps are no longer nearly as popular among the adventuring populace. I sat down with local guildmaster, Bjork Sideweih, to find out why:

BS: Back in the 50’s, …

History's first booth

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

HUNT SPECIAL - Carnegie Mellon University’s springtime Carnival brings with it many beloved traditions, perhaps most recognizable of all, Booth, a weeklong mad sprint through constructing marvelously untrustworthy houses. But did you know that the roots of booth trace back to far before CMU’s founding? Back before the scientists of …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

I was on break :)

Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

An As-Seen-On-TV-style advertisement for "Hidden Camera Hat," a secretive way to cheat on finals. It includes a picture of the product, which has a massive and absurdly obvious camera atop a baseball cap.

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Cervesato captured by Pres. Jahanian in nighttime operation

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Picture yourself this morning in section DDDD of 122. The topic is data structures, and Prof. Iliano Cerversato, known affectionately by his students as "Iliano" or "The Null Pointer", is giving a spirited talk on implementing frangible lists in C2. Suddenly, the door of Rashid is blown in with an …

"John Biren for President (definitely not Biden we swear)" / "VOTE" / "Remember, age is just a number" [image of Joe Biden in a fake moustache and dark glasses]

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Students Rush to Buy Sunscreen After Registering for CMU Africa

By Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

While the majority of students at CMU register for classes at CMU’s Pittsburgh campus, every year, several students accidently register for classes in CMU-Africa’s Rwanda campus without fail. Scotty’s Market and Entropy report a sunscreen shortage as students rush to buy sunscreen after being advised to prepare for a “warmer …

[TODO]

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Man named Enu goes into hiding after Passover seder

By Enu [redacted] • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Although it's been nearly a year since that Seder, I am still in fear for my life. The incident started as a simple invitation. Several of my jewish friends invited me to a Passover seder. “You get four glasses of wine,” they said. “It’s like Thanksgiving with three hours of …

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Facing your fears: The self-assured squirrel that's four feet in front of you

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

It happened again. You were leaving the car, walking back home, when you encountered it: a squirrel (let’s call him Squeaky) standing only 4 feet away from you.

You take a step closer. Squeaky does not scurry away. You cower. Squeaky stares you down. You run away.

Does …

An illustration of a phillips-head screw driving a car.

A screw driver

// "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Santa Claus sues NORAD Santa Tracker over privacy concerns

By Bridget McMahon • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Late Wednesday, Claus threatened legal action against Norad – North American Aerospace Defense Command – and “organizations who supported harm to my family.” Claus said a stalker followed and blocked a sleigh carrying his favorite elf “Lil Pimmpin,” in the North Pole, thinking the occupant was him. The assailant climbed …

CARNEGIE FEET PICS LEAKED

By Meat • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Auntie Readme's Advice Column

By Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

The people have asked questions and I, having no knowledge about anything in my head save for a handful of terminally online references, have found it fitting for me to respond as confidently as possible. Here goes!

should i take a job at lockheed martin if they …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Following a disappointing showing from readme in the first issue, we were going to fire the entire editorial staff and replace them all with variants of ChatGPT. We are told this will cut costs and raise profits, but unfortunately, due to labor laws, immigration laws, marriage laws, and regular old …

Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” …

A color-by-numbers of a wintery scene, where every section is numbered 1 for white.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

The Funniest Joke Ever

// Mar. K. O. • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

I wrote this article while drunk

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It’s 2:17 AM. I’ve stumbled my way back to my dorm from some other person’s dorm. Don’t worry, their neighbors didn’t complain. Or, at least, we couldn’t hear any complaints. There’s vomit in the trash can and trash on the floor. The trash can is also on the floor. My …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette takes inspiration from Andrew Carnegie

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Steel mills, newspapers, and Carnegie Mellon Architecture: what do these all have in common? They are all built on a foundation of Pittsburgh-based exploitative labor practices. Andrew Carnegie opened his first steel mill in 1875, and with it started Pittsburgh’s cultural obsession with underpaying and overworking the labor force. With …

Stop asking where I'm from

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

So I've just met you. Maybe we're standing in line for La Prima. Or we’re next to each other in recitation. Anyways, we're chatting casually. Name, year, major, and then you drop the question: "Where are you from?"

I'm sure you thought it was oh-so harmless. Just small talk. …

Linguists invent new slur for couples • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Woke professor spends half of lecture on land acknowledgement only to immediately deadname student • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Naughty List leaked • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Linguists invent new slur for couples. • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks. • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid. • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Woke professor spends half of lecture on land acknowledgement only to immediately deadname student • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Naughty List leaked. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad."