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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Honey, hand my my ReadMe

By Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder starts where trauma stops: a defense of forever wars

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Netflix realized years ago the key to customer retention is to make sure nothing ever ends. Once an episode stops, the next starts before you can decide if you even liked the previous one. The rest of America can learn from this: if endless content keeps millions of people from …

Rules are for fools

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

I saw Nasreddin walking from Doherty to Hammerschlag by way of Flagstaff Hill. “Nasreddin,” I said, “That route’s way too long. You should just go through Wean.” “Exactly, everyone will be taking the shortcut.”

One day, Nasreddin saw a sign on the Cut: KEEP OFF GRASS. He picked …

CIT condemns new campus: “bridge between pittsburgh and miami” totally impractical

// Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Mar. K. O. • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Answers: Last Week’s Crossword

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Across

OREO
UTA
AIOLI
ILIAD
TRUE
ZIGZAG
ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM
IONE
TERI
POLO
IDENTIFICATION
TELL ME …

The kids are alright.

// Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Really makes you think.

// Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Spring Carnival Committee found dead in office

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

The CMU community is in shock after the discovery on Wednesday morning that all of Spring Carnival Committee (SCC) has died. An FMS maintenance worker discovered their remains in the SCC office on the third floor of the UC, and autopsy reports state that they had likely been dead for …

Boeing attempted to bribe us $200,000 to not publish this article

By README • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

An Open Letter to the CMU community

By Fulke Fuchs • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

I write to you now as a call to take action. These are trying times, and all members of Carnegie Mellon’s community today are suffering. As such, I implore you all to take a stand today to root out an evil from our beloved campus.

Today our God-given, American, …

A hiring ad for Dr. Et al's lab, for the following projects: rice frying without shrimp assistance, what happens if you drink liquid nitrogen?, investigation of the application of dirt as a culinary seasoning, linguisitic analysis of "skibidi Ohio Rizz", and correlating cute pitbull names with their likeliness to main children. If interested, it says to contact by carrier pigeon at "cooo cooo coooooo, coooo, cooo cooo."

Dr. Et Al. • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Students Rush to Graduate as End of World Looms

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

DECEMBER 20, 2012 - While CMU students have always tried to graduate in less than 8 semesters, only the quickly approaching demise of all life on Earth could incentivize even the most burnt out underachievers to get their degree before spring. Despite astronomers’ insistence that Sagittarius A* is too far …

[TODO]

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

My Professor's Homophobia is really screwing me over

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

I have to say, I have had the worst semester. No, not because of my bimonthly midterms or from that time I missed two months of lecture because I had the flu. Dear readers, my semester has been simply horrid because of the homophobia I have faced in my English …

KGB Presents: BabyMe

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Senior Starts Quantitative Finance Firm Specializing in Block Market

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

At Carnegie Mellon University, the start of the 2025 school year has witnessed the rise of a new financial titan: a junior Computational Finance major, Manya N. Power, has launched QuantBlock Solutions, a quantitative finance firm specializing in trading the block market. “The emotional, speculative trading of the freshman selling …

October 29, 1929: "Block Tuesday" Leaves Freshmen Destitute

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

At Carnegie Mellon University, the end of the 1920s saw unprecedented financial ruin for many first-year students. The meal-block economy had crescendoed throughout the decade, with blocks selling for a whopping 50% of their original worth. Unfortunately, this lucrative exchange could not last forever. The block market imploded, wiping out …

A Message about the Fence and Discourse at CMU

By Farnam Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Yesterday, Carnegie Mellon University hosted a demonstration of kinetic and potential energy from an as-yet unknown artist. This event was witnessed by two Walking to the Sky statues who considered it a spectacle to behold and by several attendees who called it “brief but memorable,” remarking on how the cacophonous …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Readme: Sex Sells

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

The packaging for "Children's Tylenot [sic]", labeled "Does NOT Contain Acetaminophen"

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

A PSA to check the CO detectors

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Yesterday, the carbon monoxide detectors started talking to me. They whispered to me, begged me to change the batteries. The carbon monoxide detectors love the batteries. I love the batteries.

I love carbon monoxide detectors. They keep the ants out of the wall. The ants want to burrow, to …

Pittsburgh's Failing Water Infrastructure

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link; any system should be not judged by its ability to excel in ideal conditions, but rather in its performance under predictable yet adverse circumstances. This week’s blizzard has revealed severe issues within Pittsburgh’s public works sector. It is reasonable to …

So you've heard of 122?

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

So you met a friend during O-week. They're lively, clever, and excited for their first semester at a top-tier university. But a few weeks into the school year, you'll notice them shying away. They won't seem as alive at parties. They'll sit quietly during board game night while everyone else …

Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

A Day in the Life at CMU Miami

By Citron • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

8 AM. My alarm beeps twice. I jolt awake, panic, and swing my arm at it. Miss. Shit.

“IT’S KENNETH C. GRIFFIN O’CLOCK!” it bellows, and tinny notes soon follow. Can’t switch it off now – turning off the official Kenneth C. Griffin theme song is liable to suspension …

Scotty Dog to Race at 2025 Carnival

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

The Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures is proud to announce that their 2025 buggy driver will be none other than our beloved mascot, Scotty the Scotty dog. Readme spoke with a member of the Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures, who chose to …

Readme Gets Deployed

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

[TODO]

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • To symbolize the colors of spring in Pittsburgh, CMU's Holi celebration exclusively features powders of white, black, and beige • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • LLM passes Turing Test by replying “sorry, just saw this” after four days • Gelt still more real than crypto • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • To symbolize the colors of spring in Pittsburgh, CMU's Holi celebration exclusively features powders of white, black, and beige • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • LLM passes Turing Test by replying “sorry, just saw this” after four days • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases. • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job