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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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Novel Methods of Preventing Wasteful Elevator Use at CMU

Introduction

When John Elevator first unveiled elevators at the Chicago World Fair in Des Moines IA, 1462, the technology immediately garnered worldwide adoption. Buildings could access untold verticality once the ascension of hundred-floor constructions was no longer bounded by the feeble power of human muscle and bone, but …

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A pie chart of survey results showing that 57% of Carnegie Mellon students believe the country CMU Africa is located in to be "Africa." The other 30%, 11%, and 2% are "Mellon Institute", "Didn't know any countries in Africa", and "other", respectively.

A Letter from the Editor

As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which …

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CMU PhD Student Actually Born Yesterday

As college admissions become more and more competitive, so do the applications for graduate school. So competitive, in fact, that a newborn child was recently spotted being wheeled in a carriage over to their Advanced Statistical Theory II seminar.

Savants are nothing new at CMU, but one-day-old Weiss …

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My Love Affair with Raymond John Wean

Dear Reader,

It started as most romances do, with a meet-cute in a coffee shop. La Prima Espresso at the entrance of Wean Hall has always been one of my favorite places to grab a drink between my life-threatening engineering classes, but I had no idea just how important …

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Some finals traditions!

Pittsburgh itself is an incredibly unique city – near Ohio, but not Midwest, near Maryland but not Southern, near West Virginia, but most residents do not consider it Appalachian. We also have our own “accent insulate” here, as a consequence of Pittsburgh being settled during the time of the 13 …

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A picture of Hamerschlag Hall surrounded by dense fog and tormented ghostly figures. A news headline overlay reads "Hamerschlag ghosts discover death does not grant an extension on 122 homework."

Do you want to hear a joke?

Hey hey, I got a joke for you, right? You’re like, reading this magazine or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, the Reader, whatever. This one’s like traveling, right? Like abroad? So, you know how you’re, like, traveling? Like, tr-traveling? Haha! You know, hehe, like, there’s, you know, wo- wo- [chuckling] there’s …

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Carnegie Crime Report

README prides itself on informing the students of Carnegie Mellon on local news and major events. Due to a large influx in crime on and near campus, README is publishing the details of several crimes so students know what to look out for. Safety is README’s top priority as an …

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How to make your neighbor's crawl space feel like home

With rising house prices and global climate change, many of us are making the sensible switch to cheaper, more sustainable housing, such as the attics and crawl spaces of our former neighbors. But when you come home from a long day of gender studies, you want to relax in a …

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SASC or SEX? New Coaching Workshop Draws Controversy

The Student Academic Success Center's new seminal seminar is under fire after students label it as "gross." The new seminar, designed specifically for finals week, outlines how students can best dress themselves to improve grade performance. "Dress for success!" said Dr. Lacey Skivvies, head of this new initiative. Dr. Skivvies …

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Readme Goes to Carnival

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Inside ReadMe Legal

Due to the substantial inquiries regarding the inner workings of ReadMe & Co, I have been chosen to represent the ReadMe Legal Department in disclosing the functions and responsibilities we adhere to in order to maintain ReadMe as a corporation and ensure the continued freedom of all ReadMe employees.

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Modern technology comes for us all

Dr. Wittol requires little introduction, though he insists on one out of modesty. Indeed, one suspects he would have no objection to being introduced twice, thrice, or even into perpetuity, provided there were brief pauses for applause. A couple’s therapist, he was a modern Cupid, winged by the arms of …

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An Editor's Guide to Crushing Students' Spirits

As an editor of this fine magazine, I spend a lot of time wading through incomprehensible drivel to guide it toward the pinnacle of our satire content: comprehensible drivel. It's a difficult job, one involving strategery and manipulation more so than artfulness or constructive collaboration. When I sit down across …

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An Indiana Jones movie poster for a film entitled "Indiana Jones and the Collapsing Market," with the subtitle "dead men make no sales."

A Freshman's Guide to Carnival

You and I have one thing in common: We’ve both never been to Spring Carnival. Fear not, because my expert sleuthing over the past few days has allowed me to gain insight into this mysterious campuswide event. What does a midway taste like? Who’s in the doghouse? I’ll answer all …

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Feng Shui to make you forget them

Everyone’s been there at some point or another: She left and took the house and the kids, he suddenly ghosted you after texting you “Love you, sweet dreams” the evening before, or you find from their friend that they were not into you it’s just that you were there …

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CMU Takes Position on Gates Divorce

In August of 2021, Bill Gates and Melinda French Gates got a divorce after 27 years of profitable marriage. While the couples' finances have since been settled, CMU has quietly ignored a brewing custody battle over the Gates' favorite child: the Gates-Hillman Center.

While the 9-story building was conceived …

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O-Week Crime Report

Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read …

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A word search which repeatedly tells the reader to take a deep breath and start breathing manually.
Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • CUC gym administrators remove all first-floor machines to make space for a merchandise sweatshop • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • CUC gym administrators remove all first-floor machines to make space for a merchandise sweatshop. • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold. • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics. • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie