Paid for by: All that filthy, filthy, sponsorship money

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

Researchers discover brief existence of Marnegie Cellon

By House Plant • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Scientists have been studying unusual patterns of molecules in space for decades now, which tend to be artifacts of well-known universal phenomena, like supernovas.

However, one of the latest studies of these molecular “fingerprints” has yielded a result far more surprising than anyone could have ever imagined: A specific …

One must imagine Sisyphus' Heart is in the work

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students …

Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

Two similar sketches of the base of Walking to the Sky with Warner Hall in the background. In one image, a crushed piano has just landed on top of what is now a splatter of blood.

Spot the difference!

// Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Smoking cigarettes is the coward's way out of an oral fixation

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

It's a late night. I'm a private eye, packing a revolver and a second revolver, 'cause that's what you need in the rough-and-tumble streets of North Oakland. I wear a wire and a long coat, but there's one thing you'll never catch me with, and that's a cigarette drooping from …

Donner Caretaker misses scheduled feeding time

By Benner Rogers & Citron • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

In a regrettable incident this morning, Donner’s officially appointed caretaker missed the 485th annual Donner Creature feeding, the first feeding he was to perform after succeeding a 2025 graduate. In an exclusive statement to readme, the caretaker stated the reason for missing the feeding time:

“There’s a real baddie …

A pie chart of survey results showing that 57% of Carnegie Mellon students believe the country CMU Africa is located in to be "Africa." The other 30%, 11%, and 2% are "Mellon Institute", "Didn't know any countries in Africa", and "other", respectively.

Covellite Dove • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

SDC BUGGY NOTICE BOARD Freshmen Job Openings

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

SDC BUGGY Inexperienced working freshmen wanted! Inquire with us for:

STRONG SECURITY NEEDED for intellectual property protection on rolls, race mornings. Must be steadfast, relatively uncurious, good with cold. PAY MARGINAL, EXPERIENCE INVALUABLE. For full particulars see [Redacted], arrive with jacket.

TONGUE-TIED? APPLY NOW in official Deer In …

A skeleton in a sports car looking back at you. Neon text reads "Adios, fucker! Have a good one, friend."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

A chess board in the starting position captioned "Puzzle 1: mate in 34."

Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

CMU's New COUNTermeasure Against Protest

By TheCountFan789 • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

In order to properly enforce the new expressive action rule, CMU has hired the educational celebrity, The Count from Sesame Street, to count crowds on campus and make sure none exceed tvventy four. The students seem to be taking the new member of the Carnegie Mellon family vvell. “It’s a …

A DIY green card, with blanks to fill in.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Oh, Hi! Um, this is Awkward; It Seems You Just Picked Me Up.

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

The sky is filled with a biting blue-gray, so you ducked indoors to relieve the numbness. But, on this icy winter day, a breeze still permeates the Kittanning brick. The echoes of soles, the stoplights by each door, and the smell of novelty and age combined remind you of the …

Bio-Computing at CMU Promises to Revolutionize Queer Literature

By Mass of Rat Brain Cells • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

“It is sacrilege that anyone graduating from Dietrich as an English major could even consider the possibility of having a stable career” – Unnamed Computational Biology researcher. With the unveiling of ChatGPT-4o early this summer, along with constant daily advancements in AI technology, artists are feeling mounting pressure as their …

How to Acquire and Care for Schrödinger’s Cat

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

So you want to get a cat, but that’s too easy. You want a pet that exists in a superposition of living and dead- a pet that makes your science friends think you’re cool. Thankfully, there is a solution. Schrödinger’s Cat is becoming wildly popular amongst college students at medium-sized …

Chemger Games winners threaten double suicide, sequels cancelled

By Rock Buddy • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

It has been an action-packed day for the Chemger Games. Contestants from every corner of campus have embarked on the perilous journey to reach the Mellon Institute, with many dying from exhaustion before ever reaching the godforsaken building. Of those who remained, drama was omnipresent. Who could forget the unforgettable …

Spring Carnival Committee found dead in office

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

The CMU community is in shock after the discovery on Wednesday morning that all of Spring Carnival Committee (SCC) has died. An FMS maintenance worker discovered their remains in the SCC office on the third floor of the UC, and autopsy reports state that they had likely been dead for …

Readme Travel Blog: Honeymoon Edition!

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

EXCLUSIVE: Readme has shared moments from their honeymoon with the Reader at a mysterious island getaway (Readme is on the run from the authorities for alleged “terrorism” in last week’s issue). The two used a private paper airplane to hop between exciting destinations around the world such as [redacted] and …

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

The Readme crime report isn’t just focused just on the happenings on campus, we are also well connected to the city around us! In this issue of the crime report, we at readme present to you the most serious news from Pittsburgh. This is definitely not because we ran out …

A Song for Dear Ol' Tech

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

I am the very model of a student here at Carnegie,
With plans to triple major in AI, CS, and ECE
I've memorized the answer key to every leetcode medium
I spend my time on Stack Exchange to mitigate the tedium

I’ve crashed in classrooms everywhere from Gates to …

TSA-TSA Mixup Causes Dangerous Situation

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Recently, a mixup occurred on CMU's campus at a recruiting event for the Transportation Security Administration, the agency responsible for securing air travel to, from, and within the United States. The event was booked for the Danforth Lounge, for 6 PM on Sunday. But in the neighboring Danforth Conference Room, …

Readme's Moderately Late Guide to Choosing your Freshman Dorm

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

As a freshman, freshwoman, or fresh non-binary person, part of your experience will be to live in one of CMU’s 13 premium housing options or Donner House. Without further ado, here’s Readme’s guide to everything you wish you’d known when you’d ranked your housing choices. We’d have published this article …

CIA Buggy Mounts Another Coup in Guatemala

By Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

A CIA buggy with a turret on top fighting in a war in Guatemala Last Monday CIA forces entered Guatemala City to launch a week-long attack on the Guatemalan government, culminating in the ousting of President Bernardo Arévalo and the instatement of an authoritarian military dictatorship. According to leaked documents found in Stever basement, the campaign was a joint operation between CIA Buggy and …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Fact Checking The Gettysburg Address

By John Wilkes Booth • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

With the election season reaching its apex, I have found it necessary to untangle some of the webs of misinformation that have been weaved through underhanded political campaigns. At the forefront of this country's greatest deception is none other than the highly esteemed so-called “honest” Abe.

That’s right! If …

Cobalt-60 rods labeled "drop and run", with radiation artifacts on the image.

If Celsius doesn't work, maybe this can fix me.

// Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

A Lamborghini ad showing a positive trend between employee wages and satisfaction next to a picture of an office worker in front of a Lamborghini. The bottom reads "the choice is yours."

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

Wait, people actually read this?

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Just to like confirm, people read this shit? Like, this? Like ReadMe? This ReadMe? There’s not a different ReadMe CMU satire magazine right? Just this one? Which to reiterate, people read?

I thought this magazine only existed to use up our print quota. I thought we only put this …

A Letter From The Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

Well, It's been a couple weeks of the semester and it seems like the seasonal depression has finally kicked in for the freshmen. And by seasonal depression, I mean that they're depressed no matter what the season is. The energy and mirth of youth is over, and now there is …

President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • Math Department discovers non-Euclidean space in Doherty Hall Clevel • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist • Bechdel Test added to autograder • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Rabbi hot?! • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Meta-analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • Math Department discovers non-Euclidean space in Doherty Hall Clevel • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist. • Bechdel Test added to autograder. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Rabbi hot?! • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Meta-analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up. • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M.