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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

KGB Presents: BabyMe

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

The Tri-Wheelers of Pittsburgh

By Handy Manny • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

August 16th, 2026

I woke up in a cold sweat as the sirens blared across the street; that was the fourth house burnt to a crisp this week. There's no way it wasn’t them. As I went to sleep, I noticed a faint shadow just out of my sight. …

AI not human enough for me to abuse it

By Handy Manny • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Dear Sam Altman,

As a small business owner, I'm looking for ways to optimize my repair shop to maximize profits. Sure, Felipe, Turner, and Pat slaving away for minimum wage is nice, but these woke liberals want minimum wage to be “livable”. How am I supposed to live if …

Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Morewood Gardens Daycare Bi-annual Hazing Report

By Baili Jiang • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Cyert Center for Early Education
Biannual Hazing Report
1060 Morewood Avenue,
Morewood Gardens building
Reporting Period: 05/08/2026 to 09/07/2026
Date of Publication: 09/23/2026

Report 1 of 2

SUBJECT: Boys Pod A
REPORTED: 11/1/2024
DATE CHARGED: 05/10/2026
DATE RESOLVED: 05/23/2026

Description: CMU Ethics Reporting hotline received an anonymous …

Exclusive Feature: Booth Baby

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

This is the heartwarming story of how two students met through working on Booth together—and they even made a booth-themed house for their baby.

Baby John Wilkes, born on May 30, was the first child of Tartan alumni Tricia and Bill Ding. This couple first met when working on …

Call Me in Case of Campus Emergencies

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Imagine this: you’ve been shot and you’re bleeding out on the ground. You call the campus police to come save you, but they send out a guy with another gun! Do you feel safe in this situation? Do you trust this random stranger not to also shoot you? Of course …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Top 10 Milkable things on campus

By Tack Layshun • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Thirsty? Good. You read the headline. You know what you’re here for.

Number 10: The Doherty-100 automatic water bottle filler. Mechanically speaking, positioning your receptacle under a dedicated drink-dispensing orifice qualifies as milking. Viscerally, it does not quite scratch the milking itch – but it is a worthy introduction …

An Open Letter to William Shakespeare

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

How now, sirrah, churlish Bard, bacon-fed knave!

Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat who taketh the name “William Shakespeare,” take heed! Thou seducest the innocent masses into sin with thy profane plays and pompous poetry. We address our grievances in the style thou’rt most fond of: the sonnet.

…

Glossary of Jewish Terms for the uneducated reader

By README • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Afikoman: Christians celebrating Easter wish they could be us. Oh you search for colorful eggs? Try a part of a large cracker. Your seven year old cousin will become a feral Sherlock Holmes and it will become everyone's problem.

Bar/Bat mitzvah: The service in which a 13 year old …

Love Letters To README

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme

Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader

My Darling Reader, No pressure …

Readme: An Unbiased, Impartial Review

By Linda Green • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

I, Linda Green, a proud member of the Good Christian Mothers of America, would like to make my voice heard on this despicable and anti-Christian so-called satire newspaper.

I was first introduced to this wretched and unholy publication after I learned about the secret homosexual agenda of The Very …

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

As always, Readme has another very real crime report. Only the best for our dear loyal readers. Anyways, here are the crimes!

Student’s Mouse Problems Turns Ugly

Recently, two CMU students had been sued by the Mouse himself after selling charms and prints featuring a black anthropomorphic mouse …

Innovative research on inducing of maximal misery

By Dr. Evil • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

With final exams fast approaching, overall misery levels on campus are rising steadily. While CMU is one of the top schools in the nation in overall misery production per student, several changes can be implemented to greatly increase this ratio.

Misery is defined as the aggregate sum of various …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

A Very Readme Christmas

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

A picture of a dog with a tie labeled "New Dean of Tepper / An interview with George Michael / A Readme exclusive"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

CMU's New COUNTermeasure Against Protest

By TheCountFan789 • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

In order to properly enforce the new expressive action rule, CMU has hired the educational celebrity, The Count from Sesame Street, to count crowds on campus and make sure none exceed tvventy four. The students seem to be taking the new member of the Carnegie Mellon family vvell. “It’s a …

A screenshot of a Gmail conversation in which a student asks for an extension on C0VM due to being on the front lines of a battle, described in intense and gory detail. A reply from Iliano Cervesato states, "if you can type, you can code."

Meat • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

NYC Renter SHOCKED by Spacious Booths

By Bridget McMahon • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Wednesday. 2:00 PM. Pittsburgh.

It was supposed to be a fun weekend getaway, but for 28-year-old Manhattan barista and renter John Novak, even a glimpse into the festive booths at Carnival turned into an existential crisis on the state of real estate.

“It was insane. I went in …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Overwhelmed by Irish culture after hearing Kinky Boots once

By Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Though I’ve always considered myself an admirer of Irish culture, I am ashamed to admit I was quite ignorant of its complexities. My appreciation was limited to wearing green on St. Patrick's Day, making offhand comments about leprechauns whenever I saw a rainbow, and eating the occasional potato.

I …

A picture looking up at Walking to the Sky captioned "you're almost there!"

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

An Analysis of Spending Habits of Woke People

By Dr. Et Al. & John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

In the recent culture war waged by conservatives in the United States of America, a central tenet is as follows: "go woke, go broke"¹. This begets the question, is there any semblance of truth to this claim? We analyzed hundreds of years worth of financial literature as well as statistics, …

Back to School at CMU

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

It’s once again that time of the year for students to prepare to return to Pittsburgh for another semester at dear ol’ Carnegie Tech. And what better way is there to kick off the new year than with a trip to the bookstore for some back to school supplies? …

Date Recap With README

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

…

Help Wanted: Password Guesses

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

A check made out from the Make-A-Wish Foundation to readMe Incorporated for $400,000, with a memo identifying it as being for "releasing the children unharmed" As all of you astute readers are likely aware of by this point, your favorite factual news source readMe is going through a mild financial crisis. Luckily, readMe was always aware of this possibility, and four years ago the editor stored a nest egg(courtesy of a friendly local business), just …

15-112 Declared War Crime by Hague, CS Academy Under Investigation

By A. Axolotl • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Joining catastrophes in Sudan, Uganda, and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the first 15-112 midterm has been declared a war crime by The Hague International Criminal Court.

A README reporter ventured into the wasteland that was DH 2210 last week, to document the disaster that experts are now calling …

Do you want to hear a joke?

By Sidewalk Bro • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Hey hey, I got a joke for you, right? You’re like, reading this magazine or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, the Reader, whatever. This one’s like traveling, right? Like abroad? So, you know how you’re, like, traveling? Like, tr-traveling? Haha! You know, hehe, like, there’s, you know, wo- wo- [chuckling] there’s …

Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games. • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees