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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
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Post Traumatic Stress Disorder starts where trauma stops: a defense of forever wars

Netflix realized years ago the key to customer retention is to make sure nothing ever ends. Once an episode stops, the next starts before you can decide if you even liked the previous one. The rest of America can learn from this: if endless content keeps millions of people from …

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Why does financial aid prosper while the endowment starves?

A specter is haunting CMU. You can see it in the hazy air, smell it on the crusty Entropy sign, feel it on the shadeless Mall. It’s a modern­-day tragedy. The poor are killing our endowment.

Andrew Carnegie laid down the endowment’s first million dollars himself. From the very …

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README experts analyze a game of Chess 2.0

We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate throughout the seventeen and …

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War flashbacks to now include midroll ads

There has never been war without trauma. Throughout history, countless soldiers have been kept awake by memories of senseless violence. Many combat veterans cannot hear fireworks or smell burning rubber without recalling the horrors of war. While many people see this as a tragedy, America’s leading advertising firms see it …

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A Day in the Life at CMU Miami

8 AM. My alarm beeps twice. I jolt awake, panic, and swing my arm at it. Miss. Shit.

“IT’S KENNETH C. GRIFFIN O’CLOCK!” it bellows, and tinny notes soon follow. Can’t switch it off now – turning off the official Kenneth C. Griffin theme song is liable to suspension …

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Jewish Space Lasers are SDC's newest buggy strategy

Last week during rolls, SDC buggy unveiled their newest buggy: Greed. The new design features a shorter body and lower ceiling, as well as a front mounted laser cannon. Upon questioning by ReadmE on what the purpose of this laser was, SDC merely responded that it was classified. However, …

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Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud

Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” …

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Taste-testing Messiahs

Pretty often now, we'll have these bearded fucks wander into the temple telling us they're the savior we were promised. They like to wash people's feet (a little too much honestly), and go on and on about the true spirit of the holidays, until someone rich bothers to have them …

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Campus Dining Spots to now serve alcohol

In a slurred and overly conversational speech delivered by CMU's director of Dining Services, it was announced Wednesday morning that all on-campus dining locations will now serve alcoholic beverages. Students are thrilled, but which location is best to get plastered at after your 122 midterm? Our staff worked overtime to …

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A picture looking up at Walking to the Sky captioned "you're almost there!"
"Invasive plants winning the fight? Stab them back. Martial arts training, garden trimming services, occasional humor, and more, at ReadMe." [background is a thorny berry plant with a knife tangled up in it]

Triamgle Mightmare

I woke up last night, sweaty from a nightmare of a different world. A different world that made me more scared than I’ve ever been before.

Sine was called sime. Cosine was called cosime. Tangent was called tamgent. In fact, all of trigonometry was called trigomometry. I feared for my …

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5-Hour Transgender

From the brand that brought you the iconic energy shot, our labs have produced something entirely new: the pocket-size bottle that changes your gender, 5-Hour Transgender. Say goodbye to those long, tiring study sessions where daydreaming about having boobs distracts you from your calculus. Kiss goodbye to those groggy …

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Optimal Conditions for Black Mold Farming

Abstract

Black mold (Stachybotrys chartarum) is a fungus known to grow in apartment buildings rented out to college students by slum lords. This phenomenon is usually absent from buildings with proper ventilation systems, begging the question: how could black mold be grown in a dorm room? Many of the …

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A diagram of a cruise ship cabin with 16 silhoettes of people packed in in various uncomfortable configurations.
A word search which, when completed, appears strangely similar to a certain four-panel comic.

The Tartan requests $18,000 in Student Government funding

As a part of the Tartan's continuing efforts to be recognized as a serious news publication, it has recently selected several of its staffwriters as war correspondents. The decision process took the form of an involuntary nomination process followed by randomized selection, the very same system that CMU's admissions office …

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Rawdogging Bungee Jumping in 2025

The greatest generator of culture this side of the Alleghenies is back at it again – the Brown of the Rust Belt, Carnegie Mellon University. A new trend has emerged amongst Tartans, primarily English, Art, and Psychology (they can’t fix themselves) majors, which has been dubbed “rawdogging bungee jumping”. This …

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Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • Gelt still more real than crypto • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • Rabbi hot?! • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • Carnegie Mellon's cannibal-in-residence seem moping around campus: "so much for on-campus dining..." • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Rollar Coaster engineer "in for the ride of his life" after getting in a car crash • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband. • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • Rabbi hot?! • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • Carnegie Mellon's cannibal-in-residence seem moping around campus: "so much for on-campus dining..." • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Rollar Coaster engineer "in for the ride of his life" after getting in a car crash.