Readme Wins Gold

My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • Linguists invent new slur for couples • Kanye up to something • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Anatomy class adds study inside component • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Gelt still more real than crypto • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks • Architecture students host training camp for hunkering down at CMU • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • How to feng shui your killdozer • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone. • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • Linguists invent new slur for couples. • Kanye up to something • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Anatomy class adds study inside component. • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks. • Architecture students host training camp for hunkering down at CMU • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • How to feng shui your killdozer • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame.