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KGB Presents: readme
Editors-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi, Greeshma Adiga
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

A Brave New World


Stealing at Stack'd: A Guide

Stack’d Underground is, on most nights, a thriving center of off duty student activity. Many regular joes are here to grab a quick bite or chat with their classmates. But for enterprising CMU students like me and you, this is also the perfect opportunity to make a quick dime without …

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Morewood Gardens Undergoes Revitalization

It is no secret that the dorms at CMU have some... issues. Such a thing is to be expected for a college struggling to obtain adequate funding, but the students over at Morewood Gardens have been putting great effort into revitalizing their home.

This effort first began with the …

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An advertisement consisting of text superimposed on an image of Walking to the Sky taken from behind the statue of a child who looks upward. it states: "Now hiring! New vacancy open at Walking to the Sky! Call (412) 268-2323 to apply today! (*Rest in peace, cmudaddythicc)"

Fence demolished in zoning dispute

An unknown, century-long zoning conflict between Carnegie Mellon and the city of Pittsburgh has recently come to light in a particularly destructive way: the Fence, a CMU tradition harking back to the early days of the university, is to be demolished next Wednesday.

On November 31, 2023, municipal …

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Reasons Why a Nice Jewish Boy Like You Isn't Married

1) You won’t let me set you up with Rachel Cohen

Rachel is such a nice girl. I’m sure you two would have a lot in common. I saw her mother at Barbara’s shiva last week. Do you remember Barbara? Such a shame! And you know what her mother …

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Hey Shorty or Heyyy Shawty CMU Buggy vs Pickup Lines

In a few short weeks, buggy recruitment is going to get in full swing. As a warning, here are some choice phrases heard around the buggy tents that our buggy correspondent swears aren't just lame pickup lines.

“How tall are you?”

“Can you get inside?”

“Are you …

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Readme Missed Connections: Wean 5

It was roughly 12:30 pm, Tuesday, October 29th, and I was en route to Wean 7500 for my Mechanics lecture. I enter through Wean La Prima and take the stairs usually, however, I saw that one of the elevators called to go up just arrived at floor 5. The elevator …

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Auntie ReadMe’s: How To Participate In Carnival Traditions

Well, it’s really a shame that I died under “mysterious circumstances” the week before Carnival, because dying kind of sucks and there are several Carnival traditions that center it, such as “the crucifixion of every member of the losing booth orgs on their leftover pieces of wood.” That’s okay though, …

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An unsolvable word search with words like "obvious" and "skillissue."

CaPS announces new mental health app

The CaPS Division of Student Affairs has published an announcement for a new mental health app this week. The brand new application, available sometime within the next two months, comes after a conclusive study done by Dr. Et Al on the happiness of students on campus. The study, titled “Carnegie …

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A marriage certificate for README. The name is filled in using pasted bits of cut-up newspaper.
A set of six Tarot cards, with designs including "122 AIV", "Stack'd Underground food poisoning", and "abstinence."

The Wheel and its affects on our children

It’s the latest craze, the vogue, a revolution, and it’s rolling off the shelves. If you’ve lived in ancient society in the last few lunar cycles, you’ve heard of it: the wheel.

The wheel has transformed our world swiftly; be it agriculture, transportation, cheese, or construction, they’ve already become …

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Getting Ready for a Date with ReadMe

Welcome back readers to another installment of ReadMe’s daily blog. Today I have an extra-special edition- join me today as we get ready for a first date! Follow along to certainly wow a beau to be!

We’re starting off with a good foundation for our morning routine: ensuring our …

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Local school defends diaper-wearing mascot from furry allegations

For schools all over the country, sports mascots represent a sense of school spirit and athletic pride. For Doherty Regional High School, however, their mascot represents something else: the ongoing debate about what constitutes a furry.

In order to investigate the situation, I did some field reporting and attended …

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CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

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Lockheed Martin ad showing a large piece of military equipment on a hill overseeing a large, populous city. It's captioned "the war on Christmas ends with us."
A word search for the word "word" filled entirely with the letter W (aside from "word" in the center).

An Open Letter to CaPS

It’s that time of year again: Finals Week. Soon, classes will end and the excitement of the end of the semester will kick in. By excitement, I mean, absolute panic. Panic about failing exams, panic about failing classes, panic about your mom’s weird boyfriend at Christmas dinner. With this exciting …

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Iliano Spills All, Denies Ties to CIA

On November 7th, README secured an interview with one of CMU's most famed figures: Dr. Illiano Cervesato, the professor for Principles of Imperative Computing. Reproduced below are some of the most intriguing, incriminating, and downright intransient questions and answers we got from this unprecedented collaboration.

Your class is infamous …

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A Letter from the Editor

It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread …

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Carnegie cracks down on Crystal Math

Crime cried for help in the quiet halls of Wean last night as an avalanche of crooked Material Science Engineers poured out of room 7500, breaking past red and blue barricades. A report submitted by a Mr. Benjamin Amstutz, a sophomore in MSE, detailed an organized plot to do crystal …

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An Analysis of CMU's "Ring-By-Spring" Culture

As a former freshman, I know that most of you are coming into CMU with one goal in mind: marriage. You may think this is a far-fetched dream, but by winter break, your peers will be proposing left and right. Enormous patches of grass on the Mall will die from …

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CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • ECEs flee to suburbs of computer science, citing too many civil engineers • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona' • Today's Wordle: "BBBBB" • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Rollar Coaster engineer "in for the ride of his life" after getting in a car crash • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • ECEs flee to suburbs of computer science, citing too many civil engineers • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona'. • Today's Wordle: "BBBBB" • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline. • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Rollar Coaster engineer "in for the ride of his life" after getting in a car crash. • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations