Paid for by: the Deep State, the Illuminati, and all other shadow organizations. Except Student Senate tho.

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

KGB Presents: BabyMe

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

The Tri-Wheelers of Pittsburgh

By Handy Manny • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

August 16th, 2026

I woke up in a cold sweat as the sirens blared across the street; that was the fourth house burnt to a crisp this week. There's no way it wasn’t them. As I went to sleep, I noticed a faint shadow just out of my sight. …

AI not human enough for me to abuse it

By Handy Manny • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Dear Sam Altman,

As a small business owner, I'm looking for ways to optimize my repair shop to maximize profits. Sure, Felipe, Turner, and Pat slaving away for minimum wage is nice, but these woke liberals want minimum wage to be “livable”. How am I supposed to live if …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Mar. K. O. • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

How to Spice Things Up in the Study Lounge

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 9, 2026

Have you ever noticed how schoolwork is boring but sex is super fun? If you have, you’re not alone. The good news is that you can combine the two. If you want straight As and straight Os, read this handy (no pun intended) guide!

Sexy study strategy #1: Put …

Morewood Gardens Daycare Bi-annual Hazing Report

By Baili Jiang • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Cyert Center for Early Education
Biannual Hazing Report
1060 Morewood Avenue,
Morewood Gardens building
Reporting Period: 05/08/2026 to 09/07/2026
Date of Publication: 09/23/2026

Report 1 of 2

SUBJECT: Boys Pod A
REPORTED: 11/1/2024
DATE CHARGED: 05/10/2026
DATE RESOLVED: 05/23/2026

Description: CMU Ethics Reporting hotline received an anonymous …

Call Me in Case of Campus Emergencies

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Imagine this: you’ve been shot and you’re bleeding out on the ground. You call the campus police to come save you, but they send out a guy with another gun! Do you feel safe in this situation? Do you trust this random stranger not to also shoot you? Of course …

I Woke Up and My Butt Print was on the Fence

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

When I opened my eyes that fateful morning, I saw evidence of last night’s rager all over the room. It looked like your average CMU party. Beakers of titrated Hennessy littered the kitchen table. Kilts were strewn about on the ground, some with accompanying pairs of tartan underwear. Someone cuddled …

Map of CMU

// Bianca T • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Read Me's Recipes from Last Night

By Rock Buddy • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

The SCS:
• One Monster Energy Ultra White
• One Vanilla Yoplait
• Two shots of Raspberry Vodka

The Tepper:
• One shot of Blue Diamond
• One shot of Coffee Liqueur
• Coke Served with a silver spoon.

The “White Boy speaking a little Espanol”:
• …

"John Biren for President (definitely not Biden we swear)" / "VOTE" / "Remember, age is just a number" [image of Joe Biden in a fake moustache and dark glasses]

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Facing your fears: The self-assured squirrel that's four feet in front of you

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

It happened again. You were leaving the car, walking back home, when you encountered it: a squirrel (let’s call him Squeaky) standing only 4 feet away from you.

You take a step closer. Squeaky does not scurry away. You cower. Squeaky stares you down. You run away.

Does …

Welcome to CMU!

// Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

The War on South Craig Street

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

“I always say, as you know, that if my fellow citizens want to go to Hell I will help them. It's my job.” Oliver Wendell Holmes.

By the summer of 2026, Avirat Kohli had had enough. Two great armies were converging on his Indian grocery, and what would …

Update to "Ain't gunna work on Saturday"

By Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

All week I worked at carnival building my booth
Stayed up till 5am, shaving years off my youth.
Come Friday morning it was time to connect the final piece
But then it was almost shabbos, so I had to cease.
When people started walking in the whole booth collapsed,
The …

So you want to TA a class

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Like many CMU students, you may have seen the 15-112 TAs decked out in their bright blue hoodies, haunting Gates 5. While their swag is atrocious, their aura is undeniable. To obtain this aura, you need to become a TA.

Many students expect their TA duties to be relatively …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

With Carnegie Mellon's tuition continuing to rise following the exponential function e(x) = fuck you, the amount of money that I can sink into readme is starting to dwindle. I've been trying to defraud several investors by promising good quality, funny content, but unfortunately, nobody has taken the bait yet.

…

Some Pointers for CMU SCS

By Mar. K. O. • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

0xE215629B68445E00

0x9E9E5875E147CF3C

0xD730C87F17A67175

0x43AB4FF862A36789

0x3716546A15DFC798

Segmentation fault (core dumped)

SCS Students to join call centers en masse

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

This afternoon the Office of International Education in collaboration with the School of Computer Science announced an exciting opportunity for all Computer Science majors. Students will be given the opportunity to provide Microsoft tech support in various call centers throughout India. This will provide them hands-on experience with both programming …

The Grass is Greyer on the Other Side

By Jasmine Papino-Wood • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Carnegie Mellon University is a globally regarded institution. With one of the best computer science programs in the world, a booming arts scene, and plenty of ways to engage its students, it’s no wonder CMU has such a strong reputation. Not only is this school academically challenging, providing students with …

Please

By README • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

PLEASE please please PLEASE pelase PLEAES plEASE please PLEaes please pleaseee please please epleae please PLEAse plaeaese please PLAEEEEEEEE please please please please PLAEse PELASE PLEASEPLEASE PLEASPESEpelaseplease please please please please please please pleas EPLAS PLEASE pleas epleas peas peas pleas please pleEASED PLEASEPLEASEPLEASPLEEASPEPLEASEPRLEASE

www.cmureadme.com/donate

Max Lee • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

A "BIORAFT Certificate of Universal Completion," which recognizes completion of "Safety" and grants access to: midway without PPE, open-carrying in permit states, level four security clearance in the Pentagon, five free steam tunnel visits, access to diamond vault in Techspark casting room, and admittance to federal group chat (Signal Premium)

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The Hunt

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

The Penn of Western Pennsylvania, Carnegie Mellon University, is known globally as a hub of innovation, interdisciplinary collaboration, and so much more. Not only are these hardworking students known for their level of involvement in undergraduate and graduate research, but they have also been trailblazers in the field of collegiate …

Donner combusts, will be used as housing regardless

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Early Friday morning, the sound of explosions rang throughout campus as Carnegie Mellon’s most reviled dorm, Donner House, appeared to spontaneously combust. Luckily no one was harmed, as residents attempt to spend as much time outside of Donner as possible, however the building suffered catastrophic damage. On Monday a CMU …

A Monopoly Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card with the text "KGB Official Card / Surprise Sick Day / Get Out of Class Free"

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Making Money on Campus

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

The unfortunate financial situation you’re in is not uncommon among new students. You may have managed to get into CMU — yippee! — but you had to give up your life savings and right arm in order to pay tuition. While Valentine’s Day will never be the same with the …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Homework Trouble

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Dear Professor Choset,

I hope you are having a wonderful day so far. I wanted to inform you of some extenuating circumstances that may delay the submission of my Introduction to Robotics final. You see, Professor Choset, I built the spiffiest little robot anyone’s ever seen. It walked and …

Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API • Alcohol Awareness: Have you been aware of alcohol today? • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside. • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API. • Alcohol Awareness: Have you been aware of alcohol today? • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis