Paid for by: CSB in its efforts to control the competition

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Honey, hand my my ReadMe

By Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Why does financial aid prosper while the endowment starves?

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

A specter is haunting CMU. You can see it in the hazy air, smell it on the crusty Entropy sign, feel it on the shadeless Mall. It’s a modern-day tragedy. The poor are killing our endowment.

Andrew Carnegie laid down the endowment’s first million dollars himself. From the very …

Student Tells All: Internship at Anduril

By Camilia Creutzfeldt • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

With fall break on the horizon, it's safe to say that we've fully settled into the semester. Yet, I still get people bringing up my summer internship at Anduril. That was two whole months ago! Most often, the people who bring it up are just classmates who want to find …

Do it.

// Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder starts where trauma stops: a defense of forever wars

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Netflix realized years ago the key to customer retention is to make sure nothing ever ends. Once an episode stops, the next starts before you can decide if you even liked the previous one. The rest of America can learn from this: if endless content keeps millions of people from …

CIT condemns new campus: “bridge between pittsburgh and miami” totally impractical

// Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Tartans DEMOLISH Sacred Heart Elementary in Triumphant Victory

By Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

After the nail-biting game against Central Catholic High School, as reported on by the Tartan, our Boys in Red decided to set their sights even higher. It’s safe to say that those disgraceful chumps at Sacred Heart Catholic Elementary School were wholly unprepared for such a display of raw …

Religious Proclamation of Gun-Fearing Disciples

By joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

On the 250th anniversary of this nation, and the 2026th anniversary of the Christians’ God, my so-called unalienable right to freedom of religion has been, regrettably, alienated.

CMU has deemed my ceremonial bazooka “inappropriate for a safe campus environment”, despite it meeting the ATF’s 51” limit. Carrying this sacrosanct …

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

README is an accurate source of information which prides itself on accuracy. Safety is very important to all the staff on README and we value the lives of all our readers. However, my boss also told me to write a crime report on only the not lame crimes this week, …

Jewish Space Lasers are SDC's newest buggy strategy

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Last week during rolls, SDC buggy unveiled their newest buggy: Greed. The new design features a shorter body and lower ceiling, as well as a front mounted laser cannon. Upon questioning by ReadmE on what the purpose of this laser was, SDC merely responded that it was classified. However, …

A word search, but the words are all censored.

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Really makes you think.

// Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

New job opportunities for recent graduates.

By Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Dear Recent Graduates,

Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …

What to say to a tour guide

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

README Responds to The Allegations

By Maximillian Bartholemow VIII • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Let it become beknownst to whomstever accused our collective of various “allegations”, that they are all factually incoherent and blatantly untrue. This response will be organized in the following format — an untrue statement made by an adversary, and our rebuttal.

“Readme will be responsible for various cases of …

A letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

It's hard to figure out what we're going to say in these first few issues. The freshmen class is so new. Unsullied with the weight of the world you'll start carrying after syllabus weeks. Hopeful for the memories and bonds you'll form in their two or three hours of free …

SASC or SEX? New Coaching Workshop Draws Controversy

By Archibald The Great • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

The Student Academic Success Center's new seminal seminar is under fire after students label it as "gross." The new seminar, designed specifically for finals week, outlines how students can best dress themselves to improve grade performance. "Dress for success!" said Dr. Lacey Skivvies, head of this new initiative. Dr. Skivvies …

Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The Best Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It’s time to expose all of the dirty little secrets of a certain satire magazine, of which there are many. Who would ever do such a terrible thing, not the reputable newspaper you are reading, nope, NOT US. Anyways, unrelated, but please send help and money to our gofundme.

…

A photo taken with a smartphone camera at night of one of the sculptures of a person at the base of walking to the sky, with harsh front-camera selfie lighting. A Snapchat-style text overlay reads: "Nooo don't walk to the sky, your [sic] so sexy ahaha"

Local Duck • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

SCS Students to join call centers en masse

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

This afternoon the Office of International Education in collaboration with the School of Computer Science announced an exciting opportunity for all Computer Science majors. Students will be given the opportunity to provide Microsoft tech support in various call centers throughout India. This will provide them hands-on experience with both programming …

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Introducing Carnegie Mellon's newest advertising partner: Ribbed for your pleasure

// µllom • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Max Lee • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Lockheed Martin ad showing a large piece of military equipment on a hill overseeing a large, populous city. It's captioned "the war on Christmas ends with us."

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

May I offer you a George Michael in these trying times? [photo of a cute dog]

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

A photograph of a dog wearing a tie. Above the dog is text saying "George Michael welcomes you back...TO HELL!"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Readme Communists Exposed!

By Joseph "ReadMe" McCathy • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It is with a heavy heart that I, Joseph McCathy, admit we have been slighted. We are all the victims of a great and mighty deception perpetuated by 7 members of the ReadMe staff. ReadMe, like many great organizations before it, is infected by the fever known as Communism. This …

Nursing homes begin to accept new senior patients

By Daniel Yin • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

With CMU in the top 15 of the US News National Universities Rankings, students are looking for ways to leverage their school’s newfound reputation to prepare for the post-college lives. “Before, I was worried I’d have to live out my final days in the eighth best nursing home in my …

Air Conditioner • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Buggy: An Introduction

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:

1) You are short
2) You went …

A handwriting worksheet for the letter C, labeled "C is for Carnegie Mellon", bearing the official CMU stamp.

76-101 Assignment 1. Due Friday!

// Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • Controversy over Rev Noodle slogan: "Are you ready for the revolution?" • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Why can't Israel and Pakistan just get along? • CMU student folds up into a cube and powers down • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • How to tell if your ice sculptures are ethically sourced • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • Strip club entirely bereft of copper wire • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Victim Escapes Samsara • Most mathematicians writing in first-person plural are actually painfully alone • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Math Department discovers non-Euclidean space in Doherty Hall Clevel • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • Controversy over Rev Noodle slogan: "Are you ready for the revolution?" • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Why can't Israel and Pakistan just get along? • CMU student folds up into a cube and powers down • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • How to tell if your ice sculptures are ethically sourced. • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • Strip club entirely bereft of copper wire • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Victim Escapes Samsara. • Most mathematicians writing in first-person plural are actually painfully alone. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Math Department discovers non-Euclidean space in Doherty Hall Clevel • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh