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Editors-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi, Greeshma Adiga

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

A Brave New World

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Stealing at Stack'd: A Guide

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Stack’d Underground is, on most nights, a thriving center of off duty student activity. Many regular joes are here to grab a quick bite or chat with their classmates. But for enterprising CMU students like me and you, this is also the perfect opportunity to make a quick dime without …

Professionalism in Sexting

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Half of you complain about all the horrible new things the youth are up to, and half of you are mad about what they’re not doing. Not one of you ever thinks about what they’re still doing, but doing completely wrong. Sexting has been the cornerstone of our culture for …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

I read ReadMe for the pornography

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Jonathan • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

How to Spice Things Up in the Kitchen

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Is cooking just not as exciting as it used to be? Has your gas burner lost its spark? Around halfway through the semester, every upperclassman staying in their own apartment starts to get tired of making their own meals. You might think that there’s nothing new to explore, and that …

How to keep your long distance relationship sex-free!

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Dear my savoriest bao bun,

My dearest darling bun, we are just two weeks away from Labor Day weekend. I am certain that I am just as excited for Labor Day weekend to come as I suspect you would be. Since I left you to fend for myself in …

Hey Shorty or Heyyy Shawty CMU Buggy vs Pickup Lines

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

In a few short weeks, buggy recruitment is going to get in full swing. As a warning, here are some choice phrases heard around the buggy tents that our buggy correspondent swears aren't just lame pickup lines.

“How tall are you?”

“Can you get inside?”

“Are you …

Readme's Moderately Late Guide to Choosing your Freshman Dorm

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

As a freshman, freshwoman, or fresh non-binary person, part of your experience will be to live in one of CMU’s 13 premium housing options or Donner House. Without further ado, here’s Readme’s guide to everything you wish you’d known when you’d ranked your housing choices. We’d have published this article …

Experiences that count (for Experiential Learning)

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Mow the cut.
Grow a historically accurate Baroque garden on CFA lawn.
Find a turtle outside of WQED. Take Space Robotics's latest rover for a walk.
Go to the floor meeting your RA insists is mandatory.
Start a multi-level-marketing scheme on the block market.
Finish your homework several days before …

15-112 Declared War Crime by Hague, CS Academy Under Investigation

By A. Axolotl • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Joining catastrophes in Sudan, Uganda, and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the first 15-112 midterm has been declared a war crime by The Hague International Criminal Court.

A README reporter ventured into the wasteland that was DH 2210 last week, to document the disaster that experts are now calling …

My mommy says I can't go to war

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

My mommy said I can’t go to war.
My mommy said I can’t go to bootcamp.
My mommy said I can’t go to basic training.

My mommy said war is scary.
My mommy said I’m her precious little boy.
My mommy said I am going to get hurt in …

README buys Farnam's Hair? Cost of CMU Leader's Locks

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

CMU President Farnam Jahanian with hair reminiscent of Elvis Presley's

In the days following README's bankruptcy, many questions have arisen, such as "how,” "why,” and "what's the difference between a marmot and a gopher.” The answer to at least two of these questions has recently come to light: Farnam's hair. It is still unclear why the hair of CMU's …

A picture of a dog with a tie labeled "New Dean of Tepper / An interview with George Michael / A Readme exclusive"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Let us take a few things from your plate

// joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Readme Joins Fight Against Global Warming on Side of Global Warming

By Jonathan Wang • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

The Shell oil company's logo, with Readme written in place of the wordmark Readme financial officer Benner Rogers has stepped forward with the reason why Readme has recently filed for chapter 15 bankruptcy.

“It’s because of all the crude oil we’re buying”. She says.

Crude oil, which is $1.70 per gallon at the time of writing this article, has recently seen …

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

CMU Humanities Department Revealed to be Sentient AI Testing Grounds

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

A question stumping experts around the globe has finally been solved: why does Carnegie Mellon have an English department? For decades people have wondered who would possibly attend CMU just to get a degree in Creative Writing when everyone knows literary analysis is for losers. README has recently conducted a …

The Hammer-Nail Conundrum

// Violet Connor • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Quarantine after Pgh Connections Trip

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

The Office of Community Engagement and Leadership Development recently sponsored a kayaking trip on the Allegheny River for incoming freshmen. While it was overall successful (97% retention rate), some students had a bit of a scuffle with some geese while out on the water. Chaperones noted that three or four …

CMU to Issue Free and Open Source Driver's License

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

In the software industry, the Free and Open Source Software (or FOSS) movement has long pushed for licenses, such as GPL and BSD, which allow code to be seen, copied, and improved upon by anyone. This is in opposition to proprietary software, in which the source code is private and …

Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Oh, Hi! Um, this is Awkward; It Seems You Just Picked Me Up.

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

The sky is filled with a biting blue-gray, so you ducked indoors to relieve the numbness. But, on this icy winter day, a breeze still permeates the Kittanning brick. The echoes of soles, the stoplights by each door, and the smell of novelty and age combined remind you of the …

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

How to tell if your classmates peaked in college

By Samson Rozansky • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

As CMU alumni return to their alma mater for the carnival season, one question is at the top of their minds as they see their former classmates: “Did they peak in university?”

To help out our fellow Tartans, we have created this guide on how to identify people who …

Texas Instruments Threats, and Bombs, Rapidly Defused

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Texas Instruments Incorporated. Beloved creator of worldwide-use calculators, fine electrical equipment, and high explosives.

In this week that will forever go down in history, TI merged its fields of expertise into one product to blow them all away: The TI-C4s, a new line of explosive-rigged calculators. And CMU – …

Please

By README • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

PLEASE please please PLEASE pelase PLEAES plEASE please PLEaes please pleaseee please please epleae please PLEAse plaeaese please PLAEEEEEEEE please please please please PLAEse PELASE PLEASEPLEASE PLEASPESEpelaseplease please please please please please please pleas EPLAS PLEASE pleas epleas peas peas pleas please pleEASED PLEASEPLEASEPLEASPLEEASPEPLEASEPRLEASE

www.cmureadme.com/donate

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Lights! Camera! Action! The CMU Pornography Club

By Citron • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Much to the delight of erotism aficionados and carnality enthusiasts, a salacious new club is coming to the CMU campus in the 26-27 school year. The CMU Pornography Club, established by third-year Rajesh Cummings, aims high.

“We don’t just want to release the decades of pent-up sexual frustration that …

Crossword Corner

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Across

Animal that meows

Down

Automobile

A diagram of a cruise ship cabin with 16 silhoettes of people packed in in various uncomfortable configurations.

Optimal cruise ship packing found.

// Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

"What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • College of Engineering to drop ethics requirements from core to better align with industry standard • Remember to tip your TAs! • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • King Charles III to consider castling • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations • Does the third amendment let me kick out my ROTC roommate? • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API. • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • College of Engineering to drop ethics requirements from core to better align with industry standard. • Remember to tip your TAs! • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • King Charles III to consider castling • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations. • Does the third amendment let me kick out my ROTC roommate? • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video.