Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Gelt still more real than crypto • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along • Are you tired of being normal? I'm not, so fuck you! • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API. • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs. • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along. • Are you tired of being normal? I'm not, so fuck you! • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants"
!["CMU Designs new dating app!" [Image of a white man and an asian woman (promise this is relevant) grinning and pointing to a smartphone] "JOIN NOW if you are: an incredibly attractive Asian woman OR...just a white guy"](/media/vol3/issue3/images/datingapp_wlz641d.png)
![A set of four fake CMU missed connections: "To the asianest asian who ever asianed, I'm so into you (because you're asian)", "To the guy who was walking through Doherty two weeks ago, who I will provide no further descriptors of, you're so fine", "To the girl I've been unflinchingly staring down for the whole semester, I can't tell if you're into me or deeply terrified of me, but I think we both want the same thing [smirk emoji]", and "I wanna fuck my TA so bad"](/media/vol3/issue6/images/missedc_Nf3bH9F.png)