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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Honey, hand my my ReadMe

By Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder starts where trauma stops: a defense of forever wars

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Netflix realized years ago the key to customer retention is to make sure nothing ever ends. Once an episode stops, the next starts before you can decide if you even liked the previous one. The rest of America can learn from this: if endless content keeps millions of people from …

Why does financial aid prosper while the endowment starves?

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

A specter is haunting CMU. You can see it in the hazy air, smell it on the crusty Entropy sign, feel it on the shadeless Mall. It’s a modern-day tragedy. The poor are killing our endowment.

Andrew Carnegie laid down the endowment’s first million dollars himself. From the very …

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Good news!

// Violet Connor • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Do it.

// Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Really makes you think.

// Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Mar. K. O. • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

README POLLS

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Readme Retraces Its Steps

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Hamburg Hall to be renamed Cheeseburg Hall

By Elliot Rice • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

After much debate, David P. Bennett, the Vice President for University Advancement at CMU has officially made the decision to rename Hamburg Hall to Cheeseburg Hall. Designed in 1915, Cheeseburg Hall originally served as the headquarters for the U.S. Bureau of Mines; however, in 1984, the building was purchased by …

Auntie Readme: I want to get back with my ex!

By Auntie Readme • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Free Bird from DC: Hey Auntie, I think I’ve hit a rough patch in my life. It’s February and all this talk of love and relationships has got me all torn up. See, it's been a rough year. I’ve just been feeling like shit. I keep blowing up at all …

Before Baker and Porter, they were Hunter and Gatherer

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Baker Hall and Porter Hall: We all know them, love them, get lost in them, and indulge in erotic fanfiction of them from time to time. “But what you may not know is their deep and rich history of cultural evolution,” says anthropologist X. Cavator.

“It’s easy to look …

Interview with a recent grad

By Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Despite CMU’s robust engineering programs, many recent graduates struggle to find a job right for them. Specifically, a job that doesn’t involve sending missiles to third-world countries. README correspondent Benner Rogers sat down with a recent graduate to find out what makes today’s job market so murderous.

Could you …

Morewood Gardens Daycare Bi-annual Hazing Report

By Baili Jiang • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Cyert Center for Early Education
Biannual Hazing Report
1060 Morewood Avenue,
Morewood Gardens building
Reporting Period: 05/08/2026 to 09/07/2026
Date of Publication: 09/23/2026

Report 1 of 2

SUBJECT: Boys Pod A
REPORTED: 11/1/2024
DATE CHARGED: 05/10/2026
DATE RESOLVED: 05/23/2026

Description: CMU Ethics Reporting hotline received an anonymous …

A sketch of a milkshake stand with no customers and two tipped-over milkshakes. The proprietor is crying. A sign states "National Milkshake Day, September 12th, 2001"

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

The yearly CMU black market finals guide

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Welcome, dear one, to the last academic guide you will ever need.

In this trying season of finals and term projects – when time is short, energy wanes, and we remain besieged by our thanksgiving-fueled, Celsius-charged gut microbiomes – conventional academics are no longer viable. This compendium, brought to …

Student devises innovative new method to attend early morning lectures

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Early morning lecture: a macabre tragedy that befalls many a student. Some force themselves up in the morning and forge their way there. Some simply give up and sleep through it. One enterprising CMU student has managed to do both.

“I have an 8 am,” says sophomore Juan Merower. …

Readme Reads the Paper

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Chemger Games winners threaten double suicide, sequels cancelled

By Rock Buddy • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

It has been an action-packed day for the Chemger Games. Contestants from every corner of campus have embarked on the perilous journey to reach the Mellon Institute, with many dying from exhaustion before ever reaching the godforsaken building. Of those who remained, drama was omnipresent. Who could forget the unforgettable …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

OCs Accidentally Create a Cult

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Friday morning students woke up to the news that regular orientation activities were shut down by CMU PD due to orientation counselors accidentally creating a cult. This decision was made in the wake of Carnegie cup’s carnage. While details are murky, efforts to relocate the fence to Wean’s roof, and …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

War flashbacks to now include midroll ads

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

There has never been war without trauma. Throughout history, countless soldiers have been kept awake by memories of senseless violence. Many combat veterans cannot hear fireworks or smell burning rubber without recalling the horrors of war. While many people see this as a tragedy, America’s leading advertising firms see it …

A library card which has "WHORE" written on it in scratchy lettering.

README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

New Study Finds Vaccines Cause CMU Students

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Many parents have expressed concerns about the possible long-term complications of vaccinating their children. However, leading scientists recently discovered a positive relationship between childhood immunization and readiness for Carnegie Mellon University.

SCS freshman Lily Anderson received the measles-mumps rubella vaccine at age three. By age four, her parents had …

So you want to TA a class

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Like many CMU students, you may have seen the 15-112 TAs decked out in their bright blue hoodies, haunting Gates 5. While their swag is atrocious, their aura is undeniable. To obtain this aura, you need to become a TA.

Many students expect their TA duties to be relatively …

Readme's Readme

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

# README

World-renowned satire magazine at Carnegie Mellon University, published every two weeks, unless we’re feeling particularly funny in which case we skip an issue. Originally a way for founder Gerald Readme to evangelize their hardline Pittsburgh separatist beliefs, it has since turned into a way for students to …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • CMU student confused by other college: "I didn't know Penn was in Pittsburgh!" • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • New StuCo 99042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos" • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Wild Blue opens as gas station food for buggy repair depot • Strip club entirely bereft of copper wire • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • CMU student confused by other college: "I didn't know Penn was in Pittsburgh!" • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • New StuCo 99042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos". • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude. • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat. • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband. • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies. • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Wild Blue opens as gas station food for buggy repair depot. • Strip club entirely bereft of copper wire • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction