Paid for by: Death, Laundry, and Taxes

Editors-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi, Greeshma Adiga

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

A Brave New World

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Anti-Oughtiplus Sex

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Halfpast hush, window rainrattled, the lampwick whispering made a little sun of her undone cuff. May I? Me: aye: wristward, thurstward, tictactile, hisher pulse and the twobeat beast becoming, tictactile. Grab!tation: now a conjugal third.

[He’s barely grabbed her wrist?! At this pace, we’ll need a second issue for …

Morewood Gardens Undergoes Revitalization

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

It is no secret that the dorms at CMU have some... issues. Such a thing is to be expected for a college struggling to obtain adequate funding, but the students over at Morewood Gardens have been putting great effort into revitalizing their home.

This effort first began with the …

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Critique on the Marginal Theory of Murder

By joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

The value of murder is determined by the "utility" (pleasure or satisfaction) of said murder.

So say the neoclassical murderers. The elementary step of nailing down the terms “pleasure” and "satisfaction" regarding murder escapes our dear Gacyesians and Dahmerists. They are all too pleased with their grandiose graphs and …

CMU student invests in classroom real estate

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 3, 2026

While most students are worried about saving money for their futures, Tepper student D. R. Hortonne has found a more innovative solution: investing in classroom space. “The economy is rough right now, and I’m not exactly interested in working in fast food, y’know?” said Hortonne in a recent interview. “I …

Best Course to use as "Course"play

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Dear Reader,

In my first year of college, I had a sexual awakening while sitting in my 8 AM lecture. As my professor droned on and on—about what, I can’t quite remember—I realized just how titillating a situation I was in. I was surrounded by people, with only a …

How to keep your long distance relationship sex-free!

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Dear my savoriest bao bun,

My dearest darling bun, we are just two weeks away from Labor Day weekend. I am certain that I am just as excited for Labor Day weekend to come as I suspect you would be. Since I left you to fend for myself in …

Letter Campaign from the Good Christian Mothers of America

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

It is clear that Carnegie Melongene University's array of sensual dining options are corrupting our dear, sensitive, children. We call upon the University to, at once, rectify and/or remove these lewd establishments from campus.

- Sara X., Board of Erectors

Hey, so I was putting these in Google …

Founder's Body Found in Doherty

By Pennsylvania Jones • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Following a disappointing showing from readme in the first issue, we were going to fire the entire editorial staff and replace them all with variants of ChatGPT. We are told this will cut costs and raise profits, but unfortunately, due to labor laws, immigration laws, marriage laws, and regular old …

SCC To Begin Enforcing Hays Code on Midway

By Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

As booth organizations begin to design their booths for the 2025 Spring Carnival, Spring Carnival Committee has announced a controversial new slate of regulations for the upcoming semester. In a press release emailed out to all booth chairs SCC required all booth designs to comply with Hollywood’s 1934 Hays Code. …

Introducing Tall Booth

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

As students, staff, and alumni flood the Midway this Carnival, they’ll notice the usual arrangement of booths, each with its own unique design. Navigating through the Midway, entranced with the artistry of Spring Carnival, they’ll walk slowly into the shadow lurking at the back of the Midway. There, they’ll find …

People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian …

Dying CMU students will now take "Finals"

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

On Friday, Warner Hall announced a policy of "Finals" (with a capital "F"), much to the confusion of the student body. While the specifics of the plan have yet to be shared, administration has made concepts of it clear: all CMU students who die during the fall and spring semesters …

Low-quality image with a circle and arrow pointing at some indiscriminate pixels with the text "Cool Bird Spotted On Campus!!!"

Jonathan • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 9, 2026

An advertisement with a picture of a shark in a formal suit. The top reads "want your student loans to sleep with the fishes? Call 1-800-LOAN-SHARK now!". The bottom has long fine print with ridiculous terms.

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

It's Gone

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

2:33 PM

It’s the day before printing. Time to finally write that article the editor-in-chief keeps asking me for. Let me just check the pitch tracker to see what I’m supposed to write about… huh, it’s just a blank spot next to my name. That’s weird. Our secretary’s usually …

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Throwing a BOO-tiful Networking Mixer

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

With Halloween just around the corner, underachieving slackers everywhere are throwing parties. Now, horror movies are pretty scary, but I can’t think of anything more frightening than wasting valuable time on “fun” and “leisure”. Worry not, though: there is a way to celebrate Halloween while still maximizing productivity and increasing …

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Air Conditioner • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

The Readme crime report isn’t just focused just on the happenings on campus, we are also well connected to the city around us! In this issue of the crime report, we at readme present to you the most serious news from Pittsburgh. This is definitely not because we ran out …

Carnegie cracks down on Crystal Math

By Warren J. Caulfield • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Crime cried for help in the quiet halls of Wean last night as an avalanche of crooked Material Science Engineers poured out of room 7500, breaking past red and blue barricades. A report submitted by a Mr. Benjamin Amstutz, a sophomore in MSE, detailed an organized plot to do crystal …

A photograph of a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit, with a cartoonish cat face edited over his head.

Jacobi Edge • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

CARNEGIE FEET PICS LEAKED

By Meat • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

CMU to Issue Free and Open Source Driver's License

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

In the software industry, the Free and Open Source Software (or FOSS) movement has long pushed for licenses, such as GPL and BSD, which allow code to be seen, copied, and improved upon by anyone. This is in opposition to proprietary software, in which the source code is private and …

joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

An Analysis of CMU's "Ring-By-Spring" Culture

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

As a former freshman, I know that most of you are coming into CMU with one goal in mind: marriage. You may think this is a far-fetched dream, but by winter break, your peers will be proposing left and right. Enormous patches of grass on the Mall will die from …

joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning • Seeing Walking to the Sky as boring as seeing photograph of Walking to the Sky, studies report • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • CMU to finally address mental health crisis by installing slightly softer chairs in GHC • Gelt still more real than crypto • King Charles III to consider castling • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone • "1929 will be my year" says man who invested all his money into Wall Street • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning. • Seeing Walking to the Sky as boring as seeing photograph of Walking to the Sky, studies report. • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • CMU to finally address mental health crisis by installing slightly softer chairs in GHC. • Gelt still more real than crypto. • King Charles III to consider castling • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone. • "1929 will be my year" says man who invested all his money into Wall Street. • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns