Paid for by: your Student Activities Fee

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

We're broke

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The Tell-Tale Tartan

By 'Bertram' "Bertie" (Wilberforce) Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Pittsburgh GrubHub Driver Diaries

By Iman Imigran • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Day 1:

Hello, diary! Today is my first day driving for GrubHub! To be honest, I didn’t really know what to expect, since I’m so new to the area and haven’t really spoken to anyone yet. For that reason, I wanted to stay more downtown so I’d have more …

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

I used to hate French People

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

I used to hate French people. As a young denizen of the internet, I spent time in circles that enjoyed ragging on the country and its citizens, and those sentiments festered into my own twisted anger at people I’d never even met. I jeered in history classes, bullied internet strangers, …

A candy heart bearing the message "R U work? Because UR in my <3"

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Smoking cigarettes is the coward's way out of an oral fixation

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

It's a late night. I'm a private eye, packing a revolver and a second revolver, 'cause that's what you need in the rough-and-tumble streets of North Oakland. I wear a wire and a long coat, but there's one thing you'll never catch me with, and that's a cigarette drooping from …

"HELP WANTED: Looking for help moving a large shipment of 122 homework keys. Must be discrete and good at withstanding torture. Will discuss pay upon arrival."

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Carnegie Mellon Updates Enrollment Contract, Since Nobody Reads Those Things Anyway: Here are Some of the Details

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

In an email sent directly to students’ spam folders, Carnegie Mellon University has announced changes to the contract signed by all students upon enrollment. “Because no one is going to read this,” Provost Jim Garrett writes in the email, “we are proud to announce that we have made some of …

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

May I offer you a George Michael in these trying times? [photo of a cute dog]

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

A diagram of a cruise ship cabin with 16 silhoettes of people packed in in various uncomfortable configurations.

Optimal cruise ship packing found.

// Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Kill Phil

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

The average lifespan of marmota momax, the common groundhog, is 2 to 3 years. That is 2 to 3 years too long. I don’t remember what that fuckass rodent said or did back in February, but whether that little prick saw his shadow or not is really irrelevant to …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Readme Responds to The Allegations

By Maximillian Bartholemow VIII • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Let it become beknownst to whomstever accused our collective of various “allegations”, that they are all factually incoherent and blatantly untrue. This response will be organized in the following format — an untrue statement made by an adversary, and our rebuttal.

“Readme will be responsible for various cases of …

An Open Letter to William Shakespeare

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

How now, sirrah, churlish Bard, bacon-fed knave!

Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat who taketh the name “William Shakespeare,” take heed! Thou seducest the innocent masses into sin with thy profane plays and pompous poetry. We address our grievances in the style thou’rt most fond of: the sonnet.

…

I joined this club to make friends but everyone's just racist

By 'Bertram' "Bertie" (Wilberforce) Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

It was a normal Friday afternoon in September. I could still see the sun back then, before the snow buried campus and the homework buried my spirit. How I miss those days! Anyways, I was walking home from Putnam Seminar, trying to figure out if the party I’d seen on …

A pie chart of survey results showing that 57% of Carnegie Mellon students believe the country CMU Africa is located in to be "Africa." The other 30%, 11%, and 2% are "Mellon Institute", "Didn't know any countries in Africa", and "other", respectively.

Covellite Dove • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Booths shut down due to OSHA violations

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

MIDWAY, Pittsburgh — in a chaotic scene, officials from the Pittsburgh Department of Health, Safety, and Tiny Wooden Houses have taken control of Midway following Farnham Jahanian’s decision to shut down Midway. The controversial decision was made following reports of numerous OSHA violations violated during Booth construction. The Spring Carnival …

A photograph of a student next to Kim Jong Un with block letters saying "study abroad at North Korea today."

Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Hardest job imaginable: affirming therapist to drone strike today • Student Senate revolts after fourth straight week of tasty pizza at meetings • "Wean Eight-Floor Dash in event of broken elevators" to become Olympic sport • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • Remember to tip your TAs! • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along. • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Hardest job imaginable: affirming therapist to drone strike today. • Student Senate revolts after fourth straight week of tasty pizza at meetings • "Wean Eight-Floor Dash in event of broken elevators" to become Olympic sport. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • Remember to tip your TAs! • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture. • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis