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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

New job opportunities for recent graduates.

By Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Dear Recent Graduates,

Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …

We're broke

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A quiz labeled "Am I Austistic Quiz" with the subtitle "Find out now for free!" It has three questions: "What's your name?", "What's your date of birth?", and "Do you have autism?" (with options A and B for yes and no respectively). At the bottom, upside down text says "Key: Did you mostly select 'A'? You're autistic! Did you mostly select 'B'? Chances are you're not autistic."

100% Accurate Autism test

// John Autism • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

A grid of boxes labeled "Do It Yourself Wordle!"

"Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Three students injured in West Point cake cutting ritual, reports claim

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Last Friday, the nightly dessert distribution at United States Military Academy West Point turned deadly. Jeff, the plebe assigned to cut the fruitcake, doffed his hat and removed the laminated cake-slicing template from beneath it. He brushed fresh buzzcut hairs off the template and placed it on the cake. There …

Farnam done with the jokes; challenges any student brave enough to a duel

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

On March 23, 2026, Farnam Jahanian stood in front of an eager crowd of students, stakeholders, and passersby to give the State of the University Address. But what he actually had to say shocked the eager crowd, bystanders, upstanders, netizens, and several global leaders.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” began CMU’s …

A sketch of a milkshake stand with no customers and two tipped-over milkshakes. The proprietor is crying. A sign states "National Milkshake Day, September 12th, 2001"

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

readMe Assures Public: "Writers Are Irreplaceable; AI Would Never Take Over!"

By Chatman GuPerT • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

In an effort to address growing concerns over the role of artificial intelligence in journalism, readMe—a publication known for its groundbreaking reporting—has issued a heartfelt statement, firmly asserting its commitment to human writers. This comes amid speculation that the company's recent deployment of AI tools is not, I repeat, not …

Tax Guide for Santa's Presents

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

After much confusion and arrests during last year’s Christmas, the IRS has decided to release an official tax guide for any presents received from Santa. This will be a comprehensive 50-page guide listing all the various rules for how to declare these presents, factoring things like value, type, Christmas spirit, …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A chart labeled "undefined behavior in C: d10 effect" with outcomes including "your screen color inverts", "signed integer overflow now discards the overflow bits", and "you are overcome by a sense of peace and wellbeing."

Wade Cheng • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

CMU Computer Science has gone WOKE!

By Sigmund Maille • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Imagine that you’re a new student at Carnegie Mellon University, and it’s your first day on campus. It has long been your dream to graduate from CMU’s prestigious School of Computer Science, and today marks the first step of realizing that ambition. You walk into Gates and look around with …

A Pokemon-style "Who's that buggy?" poster with an outline of a buggy.

Covellite Dove • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

CMU to host the Olympic Games

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) …

An extremely detailed comic depicting a freshman (labeled "greedy freshmen") buying food while stating "yes, more food!" while a worker lebeled "overpaid worker" replies "of course! you're our FAVORITE class!". An emaciated individual in tattered clothes lies on the floor labeled "impoverished upperclassmen" is asking "won't somebody think of us?". A bald man labeled "Farnam" is taking a selfie while saying "this way, EVERYONE can take econ!"

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

How to make your neighbor's crawl space feel like home

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

With rising house prices and global climate change, many of us are making the sensible switch to cheaper, more sustainable housing, such as the attics and crawl spaces of our former neighbors. But when you come home from a long day of gender studies, you want to relax in a …

"The reality of being a safety icon: documenting the lives of those who save ours. In theaters April 1st." [many illustrations of stickmen getting drunk, snorting substances, stumbling around, and so on]

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

A word search, but the words are all censored.

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

2026 Winter Olympics set to debut Calvinball

By Alex Werth & Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Upon donations by mysterious benefactors, Calvinball is now part of the Winter Olympics. The following is an account of the first match, an embroiled battle between Botswana and Burkina Faso, as retold by an unnamed Calvinball aficionado watching from a safe distance.

GESLING STADIUM Students flocked to the arena …

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It's Gone

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

2:33 PM

It’s the day before printing. Time to finally write that article the editor-in-chief keeps asking me for. Let me just check the pitch tracker to see what I’m supposed to write about… huh, it’s just a blank spot next to my name. That’s weird. Our secretary’s usually …

A candy heart bearing the message "R U work? Because UR in my <3"

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • SCC warns that buggy drivers may find themselves behind the wheel of a large automobile, and that booth chairs may find themselves in a beautiful house • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Naughty List leaked • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again. • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • SCC warns that buggy drivers may find themselves behind the wheel of a large automobile, and that booth chairs may find themselves in a beautiful house • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Naughty List leaked. • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation