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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

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5-Hour Transgender

From the brand that brought you the iconic energy shot, our labs have produced something entirely new: the pocket-size bottle that changes your gender, 5-Hour Transgender. Say goodbye to those long, tiring study sessions where daydreaming about having boobs distracts you from your calculus. Kiss goodbye to those groggy …

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Readme Crime Report

So much scamming and thieving is happening around campus lately. It's bad for the university, but great for my job stability.

Stolen Forbes Beeler Installation

Recently, the sculpture outside of the Forbes Beeler apartments has been stolen. Large scuff marks leading to Fairfax have been found by students. …

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On the origins of buggy

In modern day, it can be difficult to recollect the scrappy origins of the noble sport of Sweepstakes. Informally known as Buggy, this pastime today takes the form of small carbon fiber capsules being pushed along a set route through Schenley Park, steered by students of short stature and …

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A comic. The first two panels show a woman sighing and looking out a window toward a silhouetted couple holding hands under an umbrella. "Will I ever find love?" the third panel questions. Panel four shows two people holding hands in chair desks, and they're texting hearts back and forth in panel five. In panels six and seven the woman reads a copy of "readme falls in love," then concluedes, "no, probably not." [I really like this comic :-) - rtosh]
Two soda cans: Carnegie Cola (with a plaid can and a picture of Andrew Carnegie), and mellonade (with a lime green can, watermelon slices, and a picture of Andrew Mellon).

5-Minute Crafts: ECE!

Ah, 18-100 introduction to Electrical & Computer Engineering, truly a quintessential class in the Carnegie Mellon undergraduate experience. Students get to build various fun labs every week, such as building 3 bit adders, a radio, and even programming their own machine learning classification system! To be able to complete such …

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Gay Target Nutcrackers find true love

T’was a dark and stormy night in the Target warehouse. It had been months since June, and all but one little gay nutcracker had found a forever home. Tears streamed down the face of the little gay nutcracker. Was he unlovable? Was he destined to be alone? Was this all …

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People you don't want to be alone in a booth with

A serial killer
A cereal killer (if you’re a box of Froot Loops®)
A cobra (SigEp is really putting in the work)
An IRS agent (who actually pays their taxes?)
A Jehovah’s Witness (now they have a way to solicit on-campus)
That guy who watches me through my window while …

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The Spinning Jenny is sapphic, actually.

The story you’ve been told about the Spinning Jenny is a lie.

Years of queer erasure and the narratives of straight men have hidden the true lesbian love story that is the Spinning Jenny. While your history books tell you that it was a yarnspinning device invented by James …

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[TODO]
A diagram of a cruise ship cabin with 16 silhoettes of people packed in in various uncomfortable configurations.
A coupon offering "1 Free Advice" from Grey's Wingman Service (circa 2022).

The REAL and UNADULTERATED TRUTH about Spring Break

Hello readers of this esteemed magazine. I come to you with the TRUTH about Spring Break. I must write quickly before they find me. I’m not supposed to be telling you this…

This semester I enrolled in 15-451, a simple algorithms course to fulfill my SCS requirements. In the …

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An infographic titled "evolving from misleading language to factual language" with "instead of" and "say this" columns. The "instead of" column includes statements like "I am skeptical of the media I consume" and the "say this" column includes statements like "I believe everything in README without question."

What is Luigi Mangione up to these days?

He's in prison.

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Carnegie Mellon Secedes!

A map of the borders of the newly-seceded Carnegie-Mellon Republic In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state …

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Coming soon...[readme logo with "uncensored" stamp] Sex! Drugs! Unedited fanfics! Be on the lookout for "readme, UNCENSORED"!

Auntie ReadMe’s: How To Participate In Carnival Traditions

Well, it’s really a shame that I died under “mysterious circumstances” the week before Carnival, because dying kind of sucks and there are several Carnival traditions that center it, such as “the crucifixion of every member of the losing booth orgs on their leftover pieces of wood.” That’s okay though, …

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"John Biren for President (definitely not Biden we swear)" / "VOTE" / "Remember, age is just a number" [image of Joe Biden in a fake moustache and dark glasses]

Best countries to study abroad in to study in Russia

Want to study abroad in Russia, but can't because of geopolitics? Check out this list of 10 countries to try instead, which will have you studying abroad in Russia in no time!

10. Ukraine

Give Trump and Putin a few weeks to negotiate, and you'll undoubtedly find yourself …

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Cervesato captured by Pres. Jahanian in nighttime operation

Picture yourself this morning in section DDDD of 122. The topic is data structures, and Prof. Iliano Cerversato, known affectionately by his students as "Iliano" or "The Null Pointer", is giving a spirited talk on implementing frangible lists in C2. Suddenly, the door of Rashid is blown in with an …

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Viva La Revolution

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CMU Missed Connection

On November 7th, 2024 I was headed up to floor 4 on scaife hall via the elevator. I entered on floor 1, and so did some girl. I do not remember any details about what she looked like, I regret to inform you all. She pressed the button to go …

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Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Gelt still more real than crypto • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • To symbolize the colors of spring in Pittsburgh, CMU's Holi celebration exclusively features powders of white, black, and beige • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Gelt still more real than crypto. • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • To symbolize the colors of spring in Pittsburgh, CMU's Holi celebration exclusively features powders of white, black, and beige • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband. • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered