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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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We Killed The Dog

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

The War on South Craig Street

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

“I always say, as you know, that if my fellow citizens want to go to Hell I will help them. It's my job.” Oliver Wendell Holmes.

By the summer of 2026, Avirat Kohli had had enough. Two great armies were converging on his Indian grocery, and what would …

The Death of a CFA Grass Farmer

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

The barren time comes every year and we are never ready. No matter how hard we labor, our stores only dwindle. Futility strokes my dingus with her cold hands, never granting me the mercy of release. We cannot outwork the famine. We cannot outrun the tent.

It comes every …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Lights! Camera! Action! The CMU Pornography Club

By Citron • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Much to the delight of erotism aficionados and carnality enthusiasts, a salacious new club is coming to the CMU campus in the 26-27 school year. The CMU Pornography Club, established by third-year Rajesh Cummings, aims high.

“We don’t just want to release the decades of pent-up sexual frustration that …

Are You a Lazy Bitch? Automating Your Human Interaction With Claude

By WP • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Being a mediocre friend takes a lot of work. Is some dumb bitch blowing up your phone, asking inane questions like “are you free this weekend?” or if you “want to grab a drink :)”? Do you have a friend incapable of getting the hint that you do like them, …

Air Conditioner • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

I Was Abducted and Brought to the Mellon Institute

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It was a normal Thursday night, meaning I had one tequila soda, one IPA, three tequila sodas, and a Celsius. I was walking back to my dorm from Squirrel Hill when a bright light appeared over me. All of a sudden, I found myself falling over. I assumed it was …

Auntie Readme's Advice Column

By Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

The people have asked questions and I, having no knowledge about anything in my head save for a handful of terminally online references, have found it fitting for me to respond as confidently as possible. Here goes!

should i take a job at lockheed martin if they …

Untapped Niches in the U.S. Consumer Market

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Dear reader, I have devoted countless hours over the course of years to rear these ideas; at this point, it is as if they were my children, as if I were giving you my children, and these are some of the finest idea children ever to have been brain birthed. …

The Hunt

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

The Penn of Western Pennsylvania, Carnegie Mellon University, is known globally as a hub of innovation, interdisciplinary collaboration, and so much more. Not only are these hardworking students known for their level of involvement in undergraduate and graduate research, but they have also been trailblazers in the field of collegiate …

readme introduces the BoothBuggy

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

It’s Carnival, and as a new organization on campus, readme has decided that we want to try engaging in all of the Carnival traditions! Of course, we are a small organization, so we weren’t sure if we were going to be able to do everything. However, as a group of …

Post-Gazette shareholders introduce "flipped newspaper"

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Underlying the closure of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette is a deeper issue than the strike itself: news just isn't profitable anymore. It's a fundamental problem with the whole industry, one gnawing away at the foundations of the most credible institutions of yesteryear. With the rise of digital platforms that put the …

A Novel Approach to Union Busting

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Running a small business is hard. In today’s world full of soulless corporations, it is inspiring to see hardworking American families succeed in honest business ventures like buying out the competition and passing the result down to their children. Unfortunately, the world is often cruel to those with pure intentions. …

Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

A recipe for "Grandma's Homestyle Christmas Eggnog" written in curly script font on a festive background. The intro paragraph mentions it gave the writer salmonella. The ingredients list is full of absurdly specific measurements and a concerningly high volume and variety of liquors.

"Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Snowman animated by rogue BME students

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

At 3 am on Wednesday, 12/05, a team of exhausted BME student researchers made a major leap in genetic engineering, by successfully animating a snowman. The snow creature – humanoid with rounded limbs, standing around four feet tall – is powered by the highly bioengineered carrot forming its ‘nose’. The …

Optimize Your Garden With These Simple Tricks

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Dearest reader, consider this inquiry: You are the sole proprietor of a home garden (a real one, not in Animal Crossing or wherever AOC makes her press releases nowadays). You own the land free and clear. You go out for mocktails every week with the two other gardeners in your …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” …

CMU PhD Student Actually Born Yesterday

By Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

As college admissions become more and more competitive, so do the applications for graduate school. So competitive, in fact, that a newborn child was recently spotted being wheeled in a carriage over to their Advanced Statistical Theory II seminar.

Savants are nothing new at CMU, but one-day-old Weiss …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

As one of the most reputable sources of news on campus, readme staff took it upon themselves (with only a few threats of violence) to research one of our oldest and most favored traditions — bitching about Carnegie Mellon. While several old letters were uncovered complaining about the homework, the …

CMU-specific Travel Advisory

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

With spring break rapidly approaching, CMU has put out a travel advisory against countries that are deemed “unsafe for Tartans”. If you have booked a trip to any of these countries, please reconsider your plans.

Ukraine

Why did you even book a flight to Kyiv?

Spain

…

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Bio-Computing at CMU Promises to Revolutionize Queer Literature

By Mass of Rat Brain Cells • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

“It is sacrilege that anyone graduating from Dietrich as an English major could even consider the possibility of having a stable career” – Unnamed Computational Biology researcher. With the unveiling of ChatGPT-4o early this summer, along with constant daily advancements in AI technology, artists are feeling mounting pressure as their …

A grayscale picture of a smiling dog captioned "Have you seen this dog? Now you have! You're welcome :)"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

US Gov't to seize coal from stockings

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Last week the US Department of Energy announced a new plan to obtain more fossil fuels. It is estimated that nearly 75% of America’s youth is on Santa’s naughty list(rising juvenile crime rates, internet challenges, and brain rot have been attributed as the main reasons for this). Thus if one …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

If you really think about it, this is equally likely as anything else

// Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • Students shocked as test difficulty scales inversely with study • A Freshman's Guide to Communal Bathroom Etiquette • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Repeatedly saying "No hablo ingles" has not helped me get out of my Spanish final • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • Students shocked as test difficulty scales inversely with study • A Freshman's Guide to Communal Bathroom Etiquette • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Repeatedly saying "No hablo ingles" has not helped me get out of my Spanish final. • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations. • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale.