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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Do Your Part. Buy Meal Blocks

By joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Tales from Beyond Frick Park: The One and Only Journey

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Mr. Vizinyos delighted in recounting his tales of yonder. Paris, he explained, was Shadyside if Walnut Street had been widened to the point of absurdity; Venice resembled the South Side Flats when flooded; Tokyo was naught but Downtown if Downtown extended forever and the PRT went everywhere, anytime; and, naturally, …

Pittsburgh's Newest Invasive Species

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

You’ve seen them around. They didn’t exist here a few years ago, but now they’re all over the place. If you don’t know what they are, you might think they look kinda cool. Really, they’re destroying our environment.

Pittsburgh’s newest invasive species has no natural predators. It destroys its …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

The Death of a CFA Grass Farmer

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

The barren time comes every year and we are never ready. No matter how hard we labor, our stores only dwindle. Futility strokes my dingus with her cold hands, never granting me the mercy of release. We cannot outwork the famine. We cannot outrun the tent.

It comes every …

Call Me in Case of Campus Emergencies

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Imagine this: you’ve been shot and you’re bleeding out on the ground. You call the campus police to come save you, but they send out a guy with another gun! Do you feel safe in this situation? Do you trust this random stranger not to also shoot you? Of course …

Bertie Wooster • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Air Conditioner • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

"CMU Designs new dating app!" [Image of a white man and an asian woman (promise this is relevant) grinning and pointing to a smartphone] "JOIN NOW if you are: an incredibly attractive Asian woman OR...just a white guy"

Tulip Sondisdik • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

A title saying "Concepts debuts new 'Converse' shoe", followed by pictures of shoes labeled "p -> q" and "q -> p" on a background of mathematical sample text.

The Mathematics Department is hoping that these "sick new kicks" will make Concepts of Mathematics the new "it class" for stylish students.

// "Tyan Rosh" & Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Wean is Shabbat Friendly?

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

On Shabbat, Jews are not to parttake in physical activity, work, or use contraptions that use electricity voluntarily – which means one cannot press the buttons of an elevator. Many institutions use what are known as “shabbat elevators”, which are elevators that stop and open at every floor, such that …

A photo of a lawn absolutely covered in lawn gnomes.

fuck you this took me three hours. I individually placed every gnome. You have gnome respect for my craft. I can't copy and paste them because then the layers wouldn't be right. Fuck you. You will never understand.

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

How to Acquire and Care for Schrödinger’s Cat

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

So you want to get a cat, but that’s too easy. You want a pet that exists in a superposition of living and dead- a pet that makes your science friends think you’re cool. Thankfully, there is a solution. Schrödinger’s Cat is becoming wildly popular amongst college students at medium-sized …

Thieving Mice

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

For most wanted criminals, performing a robbery in a university center might seem a lucrative opportunity to steal grossly overpriced school merchandise, a package belonging to another student, or even, if one is particularly daring, a beverage not included in a meal block taken in lieu of a water bottle …

Why It's Really Called Au Bon "Pain"

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Never, ever go near Au Bon Pain if you care about your dignity. Please humbly take my story as a cautionary tale.

It was a beautiful Thursday evening. I was headed to a dinner date with my girlfriend at Revolution Noodle, but young and foolish as I was, I …

Booths shut down due to OSHA violations

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

MIDWAY, Pittsburgh — in a chaotic scene, officials from the Pittsburgh Department of Health, Safety, and Tiny Wooden Houses have taken control of Midway following Farnham Jahanian’s decision to shut down Midway. The controversial decision was made following reports of numerous OSHA violations violated during Booth construction. The Spring Carnival …

May I offer you a George Michael in these trying times? [photo of a cute dog]

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Three students injured in West Point cake cutting ritual, reports claim

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Last Friday, the nightly dessert distribution at United States Military Academy West Point turned deadly. Jeff, the plebe assigned to cut the fruitcake, doffed his hat and removed the laminated cake-slicing template from beneath it. He brushed fresh buzzcut hairs off the template and placed it on the cake. There …

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

A "WANTED DEAD" poster for spotted lanternflies.

Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Readme Through The Ages

By Ethan Sterkeson • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Hey Alums! Here's what's new on campus

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Welcome back to campus, alumni! We hope that you have fun during carnival, and that the school brings back warm memories of your time here. CMU’s changed a lot since you’ve graduated, but don’t fear: readMe is here to get you up to speed.

Schatz has acquired its first …

A pie chart with the following data: "adrenaline junkie" is 16.7%, "crash test dummy" is 22.2%, "racing movie stunt double" is 52.8%, and "drunk driver" is 8.3%.

Buggy driver career outcomes

// Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

We asked our favorite staffwriter to prove she's human

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Write an article that sounds like it's written by a human. It should be 200-600 words long and use a lightly formal tone appropriate for a college newspaper.

In this article which sounds like it's written by a human, I'll be convincing you in a lightly formal tone that …

[TODO]

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Novel Methods of Preventing Wasteful Elevator Use at CMU

By Dr. Et Al., John Jahanian, Wade Cheng • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Introduction

When John Elevator first unveiled elevators at the Chicago World Fair in Des Moines IA, 1462, the technology immediately garnered worldwide adoption. Buildings could access untold verticality once the ascension of hundred-floor constructions was no longer bounded by the feeble power of human muscle and bone, but …

Student gives 75 classmates AIVs

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

On Tuesday, November 26th, during a midterm for 18-122 (Principles of Slightly Different Computing), a record of 75 students were given academic integrity violations within a 32 minute span. While their alleged offenses varied widely in scale and execution, they all constituted some form of unauthorized aid, traced back to …

Readme's Moderately Late Guide to Choosing your Freshman Dorm

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

As a freshman, freshwoman, or fresh non-binary person, part of your experience will be to live in one of CMU’s 13 premium housing options or Donner House. Without further ado, here’s Readme’s guide to everything you wish you’d known when you’d ranked your housing choices. We’d have published this article …

A chart labeled "undefined behavior in C: d10 effect" with outcomes including "your screen color inverts", "signed integer overflow now discards the overflow bits", and "you are overcome by a sense of peace and wellbeing."

Wade Cheng • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

An image captioned "Scotty Game / Rules: don't look at this Scotty dog!". The image is of a Scotty dog which contains the text "Game Over."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Vote Wean Hall!

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

With the 2024 US presidential election just weeks away, README is proud to announce that we're officially endorsing a candidate for the first time. It was a tough decision; on one side we have a candidate who did not fall out of a coconut tree, and on the other side, …

QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • OpenAI launches new Abacus; Calculator sales drop dramatically • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-nighters • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • OpenAI launches new Abacus; Calculator sales drop dramatically • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-nighters • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent.