Paid for by: Mothers against Drunk Buggy Driving

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

If You Don't Read This Magazine, We'll Kill This Dog

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

A Freshman's Guide to Staying Healthy

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Congratulations on starting your first year at Carnegie Mellon! Now that you’re in college, you can’t rely on your parents to keep you alive anymore. You have to get your own food, look after your own wellbeing, and avoid locking yourself in a hot car while you buy cigarettes. It’s …

Everything not on your ABP Everything Bagel

By Alex Werth • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

I asked for a bagel with everything on it, a coffee and apple to go,

They looked at me funny, like hey, little buddy, there’s something that you didn’t know:

It comes with the sesame, salmon and chili, and maybe a dollop of cheese,

But missing some …

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Air Conditioner • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Confessions of the Fence Eater

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

As many of you know, I am about to be expelled from CMU for taking a bite out of the Fence. The vitriol I’ve received from faculty and alumni for this victimless crime has taken a tremendous toll on my mental health, and I would like to present my side …

Are You a Lazy Bitch? Automating Your Human Interaction With Claude

By WP • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Being a mediocre friend takes a lot of work. Is some dumb bitch blowing up your phone, asking inane questions like “are you free this weekend?” or if you “want to grab a drink :)”? Do you have a friend incapable of getting the hint that you do like them, …

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

An Open Letter to CaPS

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

It’s that time of year again: Finals Week. Soon, classes will end and the excitement of the end of the semester will kick in. By excitement, I mean, absolute panic. Panic about failing exams, panic about failing classes, panic about your mom’s weird boyfriend at Christmas dinner. With this exciting …

Everyone I date becomes lesbian

By Coward • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Hi, for the past two years, I have been unable to find love due to a stupid curse and I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me.

It all started a year or two ago when I had my first date. I thought it went well and …

One must imagine Sisyphus' Heart is in the work

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students …

Readme Reviews

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Readme knows you don’t have time to read books just for funsies. So we did the work for you. Enjoy these thorough, accurate, and detailed reviews of popular titles.

50 Shades of Grey: 10/10. This wonderful collection of paint samples was a great help to me when …

The Wheel and its affects on our children

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

It’s the latest craze, the vogue, a revolution, and it’s rolling off the shelves. If you’ve lived in ancient society in the last few lunar cycles, you’ve heard of it: the wheel.

The wheel has transformed our world swiftly; be it agriculture, transportation, cheese, or construction, they’ve already become …

My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

Facing your fears: The self-assured squirrel that's four feet in front of you

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

It happened again. You were leaving the car, walking back home, when you encountered it: a squirrel (let’s call him Squeaky) standing only 4 feet away from you.

You take a step closer. Squeaky does not scurry away. You cower. Squeaky stares you down. You run away.

Does …

A handwriting worksheet for the letter C, labeled "C is for Carnegie Mellon", bearing the official CMU stamp.

76-101 Assignment 1. Due Friday!

// Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Readme Rejected

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Campus Dining Spots to now serve alcohol

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

In a slurred and overly conversational speech delivered by CMU's director of Dining Services, it was announced Wednesday morning that all on-campus dining locations will now serve alcoholic beverages. Students are thrilled, but which location is best to get plastered at after your 122 midterm? Our staff worked overtime to …

A comic. The first two panels show a woman sighing and looking out a window toward a silhouetted couple holding hands under an umbrella. "Will I ever find love?" the third panel questions. Panel four shows two people holding hands in chair desks, and they're texting hearts back and forth in panel five. In panels six and seven the woman reads a copy of "readme falls in love," then concluedes, "no, probably not." [I really like this comic :-) - rtosh]

B • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

A recipe for "Grandma's Homestyle Christmas Eggnog" written in curly script font on a festive background. The intro paragraph mentions it gave the writer salmonella. The ingredients list is full of absurdly specific measurements and a concerningly high volume and variety of liquors.

"Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

"CIT is proud to announce...the new 'Intro to Civil Engineering' Lab Kit!" [toolbox full of wet concrete, with a shovel on top]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

A drawing of a catperson with glasses. It says "cat for sale / 1 dollar / comes with Anxiety / smells like homosexuality"

Jacobi Edge • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Manifest Destiny Doesn't Work in Europe

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

CMU students in exchange programs throughout Europe have made a shocking discovery. The great American pastime of manifesting destiny is, while not unheard of, frowned upon by most of Europe. Pioneering American students tried many popular manifest destiny strategies, but none of them seemed to work.

Manifest destiny has …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

readme booth to bring back factory towns

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Visit the Readme booth during Carnival! Or if you missed Carnival, what’s wrong with you? Absolute buffoon. Were you even looking? We are located somewhere between where CS kids go to die and Dietrich students go to thrive off of adult validation. It’ll be like a fun challenge for everyone …

Evil Careers for those in the Arts (Oh, and the Humanities)

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Every freshman comes to CMU with the same dream. They may have different passions, but when they stand up at convocation, each one has the same thought in their mind: my very own Faustian contract is just around the corner. Unfortunately, achieving this dream is easier for some than it …

Readme Joins Fight Against Global Warming on Side of Global Warming

By Jonathan Wang • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

The Shell oil company's logo, with Readme written in place of the wordmark Readme financial officer Benner Rogers has stepped forward with the reason why Readme has recently filed for chapter 15 bankruptcy.

“It’s because of all the crude oil we’re buying”. She says.

Crude oil, which is $1.70 per gallon at the time of writing this article, has recently seen …

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

"Cowboys and Indians" too politically incorrect? Try "Bombers and Hospitals"! • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • "1929 will be my year" says man who invested all his money into Wall Street • Local first-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Goldfish no longer 'Snack that Smiles Back' due to political climate • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • "Cowboys and Indians" too politically incorrect? Try "Bombers and Hospitals"! • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • "1929 will be my year" says man who invested all his money into Wall Street. • Local first-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Goldfish no longer 'Snack that Smiles Back' due to political climate • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds.