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Editors-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi, Greeshma Adiga

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

A Brave New World

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Stealing at Stack'd: A Guide

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Stack’d Underground is, on most nights, a thriving center of off duty student activity. Many regular joes are here to grab a quick bite or chat with their classmates. But for enterprising CMU students like me and you, this is also the perfect opportunity to make a quick dime without …

Professionalism in Sexting

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Half of you complain about all the horrible new things the youth are up to, and half of you are mad about what they’re not doing. Not one of you ever thinks about what they’re still doing, but doing completely wrong. Sexting has been the cornerstone of our culture for …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Letter Campaign from the Good Christian Mothers of America

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

It is clear that Carnegie Melongene University's array of sensual dining options are corrupting our dear, sensitive, children. We call upon the University to, at once, rectify and/or remove these lewd establishments from campus.

- Sara X., Board of Erectors

Hey, so I was putting these in Google …

Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Jonathan • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Critique on the Marginal Theory of Murder

By joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

The value of murder is determined by the "utility" (pleasure or satisfaction) of said murder.

So say the neoclassical murderers. The elementary step of nailing down the terms “pleasure” and "satisfaction" regarding murder escapes our dear Gacyesians and Dahmerists. They are all too pleased with their grandiose graphs and …

We don't need to talk

By Camilia Creutzfeldt • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Please, sit down, make yourself at home. What am I making tonight? It's nothing much, just a beef bourguignon with short ribs, oxtail, and chuck roast, with some shallots, carrots, celery, and cremini mushrooms. Oh, and the jus is made from the braising liquid, just Beaulieu Vineyard cabernet sauvignon and …

How to tell if your classmates peaked in college

By Samson Rozansky • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

As CMU alumni return to their alma mater for the carnival season, one question is at the top of their minds as they see their former classmates: “Did they peak in university?”

To help out our fellow Tartans, we have created this guide on how to identify people who …

May I offer you a George Michael in these trying times? [photo of a cute dog]

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

I'm going to punch you (John Lennon)

By Meat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Out walking
I’ve got a shovel
And a crow bar
And a copy of Catcher in the Rye
And my fists
I am going
Going to punch you

Like a priest
I move with holy purpose
Towards an asshole
Unlike the priest
Not in a sexual way
Though I …

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

A diagram of a cruise ship cabin with 16 silhoettes of people packed in in various uncomfortable configurations.

Optimal cruise ship packing found.

// Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Before Baker and Porter, they were Hunter and Gatherer

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Baker Hall and Porter Hall: We all know them, love them, get lost in them, and indulge in erotic fanfiction of them from time to time. “But what you may not know is their deep and rich history of cultural evolution,” says anthropologist X. Cavator.

“It’s easy to look …

"Drink fucking water you asocial, unhealthy fucking freaks," nine out of ten doctors say

By Ariel Kinel • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

Water. Earth. Fire. Air. As we all find ourselves rejuvenating our love for Avatar: The Last Airbender, I present to you an important lesson. Water. We discuss whether water is wet or not. We spend so much time discussing it, but we do not spend enough time drinking it. So, …

A screenshot of a Gmail conversation in which a student asks for an extension on C0VM due to being on the front lines of a battle, described in intense and gory detail. A reply from Iliano Cervesato states, "if you can type, you can code."

Meat • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Some finals traditions!

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Pittsburgh itself is an incredibly unique city – near Ohio, but not Midwest, near Maryland but not Southern, near West Virginia, but most residents do not consider it Appalachian. We also have our own “accent insulate” here, as a consequence of Pittsburgh being settled during the time of the 13 …

Student Dies of Autoerotic Asphyxiation on Donner Swings

By Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

PITTSBURGH, PA In a first-of-its-kind incident for CMU, a student has passed away from asphyxiation by autofellatio, otherwise known as a “self suck incident.” Eyewitnesses report that late Thursday night, the victim approached the playground swings in the Donner Ditch, pulled their pants down, and proceeded to assume a position …

A recreation of the OJ Simpson car chase image, but with a buggy and pusher instead of the white Bronco.

If only OJ had gone to CMU...

// Gavin Radford • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Readme Reviews

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Readme knows you don’t have time to read books just for funsies. So we did the work for you. Enjoy these thorough, accurate, and detailed reviews of popular titles.

50 Shades of Grey: 10/10. This wonderful collection of paint samples was a great help to me when …

Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

A Psychosocial Approach to Game-Theoretic Analysis of Rock Paper Scissors

By Dr. Et Al. & Emily Jiang • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

1. Introduction

Rock paper scissors, also known as scissors paper rock, and rarely ever referred to as paper rock scissors, is a game typically played between two people, where one match of rock paper scissors (RPS) consists of both players throwing out a hand gesture at the same time after …

Evil Careers for those in the Arts (Oh, and the Humanities)

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Every freshman comes to CMU with the same dream. They may have different passions, but when they stand up at convocation, each one has the same thought in their mind: my very own Faustian contract is just around the corner. Unfortunately, achieving this dream is easier for some than it …

Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Manifest Destiny Doesn't Work in Europe

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

CMU students in exchange programs throughout Europe have made a shocking discovery. The great American pastime of manifesting destiny is, while not unheard of, frowned upon by most of Europe. Pioneering American students tried many popular manifest destiny strategies, but none of them seemed to work.

Manifest destiny has …

A "WANTED DEAD" poster for spotted lanternflies.

Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Are You a Lazy Bitch? Automating Your Human Interaction With Claude

By WP • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Being a mediocre friend takes a lot of work. Is some dumb bitch blowing up your phone, asking inane questions like “are you free this weekend?” or if you “want to grab a drink :)”? Do you have a friend incapable of getting the hint that you do like them, …

Navigating funding in the face of budget freezes

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

On December 4th, the students of Carnegie Mellon voted 97% in favor of freezing the Student Senate budget. As the Senate has scrambled to rewrite the budget, student organizations are exploring alternative ways to receive “Supplemental Funding” in time for their events rather than weeks after. We here at ReadMe …

Inventor Claims AI Powered Paperclip "DIFFERENT THAN CLIPPY"

By 3 Serif Fonts in a Trench Coat • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Up-and-coming Silicon Valley entrepreneur Blake Fence introduced his new product WOOORD (stylized all lowercase) at the famed annual SouthWestEast World Tech Conference on Tuesday. Fence presented his novel assistive technology to a room packed with world leaders and the biggest names in artificial intelligence, neural computation, and autonomous agents.

…

Back to School at CMU

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

It’s once again that time of the year for students to prepare to return to Pittsburgh for another semester at dear ol’ Carnegie Tech. And what better way is there to kick off the new year than with a trip to the bookstore for some back to school supplies? …

ROTC caught building "stealth" booth

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

It seemed like a normal night at first to Scott Snuffy, an unassuming Dietrich student, until while walking home from a late-night recitation, he noticed something odd. "A wooden plank seemed to lift itself into the air, all on its own." Few believed him, until he tried recording the phenomenon …

Horseshoe Theory Finally Useful

By Daniel Yin • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Diagram plotting profitability on the y-axis vs. health on the x-axis. It starts high, goes low in the middle, and ends high. Labels from left to right go Glue, Horse Diving, Horse Ballet, Dressage, Horseback Riding, Cavalry, Horse Racing.

Shockingly, the first and only legitimate use of horseshoe theory is actually related to horses. While a horse of medium health may provide companionship and funny videos for Instagram Reels, it's been determined that the optimal horse health for very profitable horse activities is either very low or very …

Seeing Walking to the Sky as boring as seeing photograph of Walking to the Sky, studies report • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • We paid $100 to CMU Plastic Surgery Club to get a face lift no strings attached • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • I went back in time and fucked Isaac Newton to prevent calculus, and other shocking confessions • CMU to finally address mental health crisis by installing slightly softer chairs in GHC • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • CMU announces tuition freeze, students to keep paying forever • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Seeing Walking to the Sky as boring as seeing photograph of Walking to the Sky, studies report. • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • We paid $100 to CMU Plastic Surgery Club to get a face lift no strings attached. • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • I went back in time and fucked Isaac Newton to prevent calculus, and other shocking confessions. • CMU to finally address mental health crisis by installing slightly softer chairs in GHC. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • CMU announces tuition freeze, students to keep paying forever • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone