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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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If You Don't Read This Magazine, We'll Kill This Dog

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Self-Care For The Self-Destructive

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Welcome, freshmen, to Carnegie Mellon! You’ve got a busy week ahead, one of so very many, so make sure you enjoy this one while it lasts. After all, come next week, and you will be launched into a world of coursework, clubs, and career choices that will define the rest …

Everything not on your ABP Everything Bagel

By Alex Werth • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

I asked for a bagel with everything on it, a coffee and apple to go,

They looked at me funny, like hey, little buddy, there’s something that you didn’t know:

It comes with the sesame, salmon and chili, and maybe a dollop of cheese,

But missing some …

Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

What happens if you don't find love during O-week?

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

I had just broken up with my girlfriend. She saw someone on the tour of her college she liked more than me. There was an option on the housing form called the “Romance Program.” It said that if you don’t find a partner during O-Week, you will work at an …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

README Responds to The Allegations

By Maximillian Bartholemow VIII • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Let it become beknownst to whomstever accused our collective of various “allegations”, that they are all factually incoherent and blatantly untrue. This response will be organized in the following format — an untrue statement made by an adversary, and our rebuttal.

“Readme will be responsible for various cases of …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

I swear to god I'm stalking you platonically

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Look, there's no easy way to say this, and I've thought a lot about how I want to introduce myself. I just wanted to send this to clear things up.

As I'm sure you've noticed, I've been stalking you for some time now. I know you might think I'm …

An advertisement containing formal-looking serif text and an image of a Tartan reporter in a suit whose head has been digitally altered to appear smushed. It reads: "Are you a reader of the Tartan? No? We're not surprised! Read The Tartan if you hate: asking questions; independently verified claims; proofread work; anything other than interviews; proper kerning; ...AND MORE!" followed by a quote "After all, just because someone said it, doesn't mean it's true" (attributed to "that guy over there")

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

An Obama-style poster of Farnam Jahanian with a red, white, and blue image filter, with large block letters spelling "NOPE."

Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Jewish Space Lasers are SDC's newest buggy strategy

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Last week during rolls, SDC buggy unveiled their newest buggy: Greed. The new design features a shorter body and lower ceiling, as well as a front mounted laser cannon. Upon questioning by ReadmE on what the purpose of this laser was, SDC merely responded that it was classified. However, …

Some Popular Books

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Where the Wild Things Are: 10/10. This mind-blowing pocket guide, published by Readme itself, assists sun-deprived, fun-deprived, perpetual studiers such as yourself in touching grass around campus. With directions to secret locations, such as “The Cut,” you’ll find yourself getting more Vitamin D this semester than ever before.

This …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Novel Methods of Preventing Wasteful Elevator Use at CMU

By Dr. Et Al., John Jahanian, Wade Cheng • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Introduction

When John Elevator first unveiled elevators at the Chicago World Fair in Des Moines IA, 1462, the technology immediately garnered worldwide adoption. Buildings could access untold verticality once the ascension of hundred-floor constructions was no longer bounded by the feeble power of human muscle and bone, but …

Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

A colorblind test printed in grayscale, advising the viewer they may be colorblind. Side note: if you're reading this alt text because you're regular-blind, please let me know if I can improve the site's accessibility in any way. Just contact readme and ask for rtosh :-)

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

I used to hate French People

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

I used to hate French people. As a young denizen of the internet, I spent time in circles that enjoyed ragging on the country and its citizens, and those sentiments festered into my own twisted anger at people I’d never even met. I jeered in history classes, bullied internet strangers, …

A poll of students labeled "why were you at a CMU football game?" [pie chart with the following data: "thought it was a 112 recitation" is 35.5%, "I heard chicks dig sports guys" is 4.8%, "lost" is 16.1%, "if a ball hits me I get an excused absence" is 16.1%, and "my friend is in Kiltie and begged me for two hours" is 27.4%]

Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

SCC preps for Carnival

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

As Carnival comes nearer, SCC’s heart has been squarely in the work getting Midway ready for students, alumni, and lost geese to have a fun and safe experience. They’ve been toiling away for weeks, and here at Readme, we forgive them for their foolish tendencies, like their tardiness on literally …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

I wrote this article while drunk

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It’s 2:17 AM. I’ve stumbled my way back to my dorm from some other person’s dorm. Don’t worry, their neighbors didn’t complain. Or, at least, we couldn’t hear any complaints. There’s vomit in the trash can and trash on the floor. The trash can is also on the floor. My …

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

As always, Readme has another very real crime report. Only the best for our dear loyal readers. Anyways, here are the crimes!

Student’s Mouse Problems Turns Ugly

Recently, two CMU students had been sued by the Mouse himself after selling charms and prints featuring a black anthropomorphic mouse …

CMU Apologizes For Typo, Tuition to Increase by 37.2% Instead of 3.72

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email writer, who also ghostwrites for …

An image captioned "Scotty Game / Rules: don't look at this Scotty dog!". The image is of a Scotty dog which contains the text "Game Over."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Paleolithic tribe discovered in ancient Pittsburgh cave system

By Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

A routine safety inspection of the steam tunnels beneath Carnegie Mellon University went awry when an unexpected wall collapse revealed the heart of a still living ancient empire. When FMS workers attempted to survey the oldest section of CMU’s steam tunnels last Sunday, they accidentally triggered a minor sinkhole. The …

Nine-and-a-half theses on comedy

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

When the humorist writes, he ought to will the entire piece be one of intelligibility.
Satire cannot be understood as merely the presence of references and proper nouns; artificial intelligence, Farnam Jahanian, Palantir, and Charlie Kirk do not a joke make.
When …

Lockheed Martin ad showing a large piece of military equipment on a hill overseeing a large, populous city. It's captioned "the war on Christmas ends with us."

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

I was on break :)

How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Bitches be tripping? Where? (I'm so desperate) • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • You could be sledding right now, but you're not • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • CMU kills suspected 122 cheater in targeted strike; 18 civilians dead • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Bitches be tripping? Where? (I'm so desperate) • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • You could be sledding right now, but you're not. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside. • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • CMU kills suspected 122 cheater in targeted strike; 18 civilians dead. • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it. • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day