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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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Freshman Found Languishing from Consumption in Mudge Mansion

A freshman who shall henceforth be known as Patient X has recently contracted consumption from an unknown source. Experts suspect that Patient X lied on their consumption screening prior to move-in, but they have not yet found any evidence of such duplicity. Kept awake with chest pain at night, Patient …

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O-Week Crime Report

Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read …

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Santa Claus sues NORAD Santa Tracker over privacy concerns

Late Wednesday, Claus threatened legal action against Norad – North American Aerospace Defense Command – and “organizations who supported harm to my family.” Claus said a stalker followed and blocked a sleigh carrying his favorite elf “Lil Pimmpin,” in the North Pole, thinking the occupant was him. The assailant climbed …

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Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid

Welcome to CMU, class of 2029+. When you first step onto campus, you may find yourself overwhelmed by the staggering number of clubs to join and people to meet, but if you're anything like us at readme, your first priority will always be one thing: sleeping with freshmen.

We've …

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The yearly CMU black market finals guide

Welcome, dear one, to the last academic guide you will ever need.

In this trying season of finals and term projects – when time is short, energy wanes, and we remain besieged by our thanksgiving-fueled, Celsius-charged gut microbiomes – conventional academics are no longer viable. This compendium, brought to …

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Undergrad Senate Exposed for Really Craving Wingstop

PITTSBURGH, PA

(Whis L. Blower)

In a shocking turn of events this past Tuesday, the Undergraduate Student Senate, a committee of 38 seemingly famished individuals, has been secretly indulging themselves in oodles of the most mediocre fried chicken known to mankind. Now you, reader, might be asking, "Whoa …

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"Are you a small Asian woman? CMU wants YOU for buggy driving! Contact a buggy org and strap into a tin can today!"

Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud

Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” …

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Bio-Computing at CMU Promises to Revolutionize Queer Literature

“It is sacrilege that anyone graduating from Dietrich as an English major could even consider the possibility of having a stable career” – Unnamed Computational Biology researcher. With the unveiling of ChatGPT-4o early this summer, along with constant daily advancements in AI technology, artists are feeling mounting pressure as their …

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Sanitation Concerns Raised over Birth in Bethlehem Stable

BETHLEHEM, Judea – Locals are shocked that a young Galilean woman named Mary has given birth in a manger. Although many have no qualms about sharing their living spaces with domesticated animals, some are saying that a stable might be a bit too far. Experts confirm that a manger is …

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CMU-specific Travel Advisory

With spring break rapidly approaching, CMU has put out a travel advisory against countries that are deemed “unsafe for Tartans”. If you have booked a trip to any of these countries, please reconsider your plans.

Ukraine

Why did you even book a flight to Kyiv?

Spain

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"CMU Designs new dating app!" [Image of a white man and an asian woman (promise this is relevant) grinning and pointing to a smartphone] "JOIN NOW if you are: an incredibly attractive Asian woman OR...just a white guy"

An Analysis of Spending Habits of Woke People

In the recent culture war waged by conservatives in the United States of America, a central tenet is as follows: "go woke, go broke"¹. This begets the question, is there any semblance of truth to this claim? We analyzed hundreds of years worth of financial literature as well as statistics, …

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CMU To Construct New, Shittier Donner

shittier donner With the completion of the new Highmark Center for Wellness, CMU has successfully wrapped up yet another construction project. Needing a new project to collect alumni donations, CMU turns to their freshman housing. Hopeful Donner residents prayed that CMU would finally announce the destruction of Donner, however, this Monday CMU …

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A flowchart to determine if readme likes you back. Both outcomes are yes.

A Letter from the Editor

With Carnegie Mellon's tuition continuing to rise following the exponential function e(x) = fuck you, the amount of money that I can sink into readme is starting to dwindle. I've been trying to defraud several investors by promising good quality, funny content, but unfortunately, nobody has taken the bait yet.

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"New study abroad program announced: Hell. Contact your advisor to apply today!" [image of Farnam Jahanian shaking hands with the devil, surrounded by flames] "*Tepper stuents will receive priority"
[TODO]

Gay Target Nutcrackers find true love

T’was a dark and stormy night in the Target warehouse. It had been months since June, and all but one little gay nutcracker had found a forever home. Tears streamed down the face of the little gay nutcracker. Was he unlovable? Was he destined to be alone? Was this all …

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18-100 to introduce larger toolkits

ECE freshman carrying black and yellow tool kits is an ever-popular sight on Carnegie Mellon’s campus. Originally introduced to publicly shame people for choosing ECE as a major, the tool kits cemented their place when the head TAs for 18-100 realized they could store lab materials within the tool kits. …

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QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh • College of Engineering to drop ethics requirements from core to better align with industry standard • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • ECEs flee to suburbs of computer science, citing too many civil engineers • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh • College of Engineering to drop ethics requirements from core to better align with industry standard. • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • ECEs flee to suburbs of computer science, citing too many civil engineers • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row