Readme Gets Absurd

Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Demolition Company breaks up married couple • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Demolition Company breaks up married couple. • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you. • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband. • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations. • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold. • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week