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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Sweepstakes forbids new live-birth method

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Just weeks ahead of Carnival, Sweepstakes has dropped a bombshell on all buggy teams: due to existing rules prohibiting mass loss during a race, the “live birth method” is officially banned. In previous years, buggy drivers would impregnate themselves prior to Carnival, nourishing the fetus with Stack’d and melatonin gummies. …

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

NYC Renter SHOCKED by Spacious Booths

By Bridget McMahon • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Wednesday. 2:00 PM. Pittsburgh.

It was supposed to be a fun weekend getaway, but for 28-year-old Manhattan barista and renter John Novak, even a glimpse into the festive booths at Carnival turned into an existential crisis on the state of real estate.

“It was insane. I went in …

New ID Loopholes allow for underage drinking!

By Phong • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Readme is proud to announce that it will be hosting a party this Friday night to welcome all incoming freshmen present for o-week, and yes, there will be alcohol. To be invited, simply bring a copy of this week’s Readme issue with you and show it to our bouncer. “What …

Auntie Readme’s: Answering REAL Questions Asked By REAL Freshmen

By Cindy Gao & Dr. Et Al. • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Welcome, freshmen, to the most prestigious institution this side of the Monongahela River! (And this side of the Allegheny as well, and the other side of Forbes, and the other other side of Schenley, and, well, you get the point.) Some of you are probably (understandably!) nervous about going to …

Map of CMU

// Bianca T • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

A word search for the word "word" filled entirely with the letter W (aside from "word" in the center).

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

CMU-specific Travel Advisory

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

With spring break rapidly approaching, CMU has put out a travel advisory against countries that are deemed “unsafe for Tartans”. If you have booked a trip to any of these countries, please reconsider your plans.

Ukraine

Why did you even book a flight to Kyiv?

Spain

…

A 3-panel comic. In the first panel, one person says "wanna come see a cool feature of my dorm?". Another person labeled "oblivious freshman" says "sure!". in the second panel, the first person opens a door labeled with a biohazard sign, and the freshman is shown with a confused question-mark sign. The third panel depicts a shower curtain covered in black mold. The upperclassman asks "aren't you excited for CMU housing?", to which the freshman replies "wtf".

Based on a true-ish story.

// Ethan Sterkeson • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

The yearly CMU black market finals guide

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Welcome, dear one, to the last academic guide you will ever need.

In this trying season of finals and term projects – when time is short, energy wanes, and we remain besieged by our thanksgiving-fueled, Celsius-charged gut microbiomes – conventional academics are no longer viable. This compendium, brought to …

A photo of a lawn absolutely covered in lawn gnomes.

fuck you this took me three hours. I individually placed every gnome. You have gnome respect for my craft. I can't copy and paste them because then the layers wouldn't be right. Fuck you. You will never understand.

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

The Grass is Greyer on the Other Side

By Jasmine Papino-Wood • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Carnegie Mellon University is a globally regarded institution. With one of the best computer science programs in the world, a booming arts scene, and plenty of ways to engage its students, it’s no wonder CMU has such a strong reputation. Not only is this school academically challenging, providing students with …

Help Wanted: Password Guesses

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

A check made out from the Make-A-Wish Foundation to readMe Incorporated for $400,000, with a memo identifying it as being for "releasing the children unharmed" As all of you astute readers are likely aware of by this point, your favorite factual news source readMe is going through a mild financial crisis. Luckily, readMe was always aware of this possibility, and four years ago the editor stored a nest egg(courtesy of a friendly local business), just …

School of Music to relocate practice rooms to the backrooms

By Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

PITTSBURGH, PA

As construction continues all over the lower floors of the CFA building, students have begun to wonder what exactly it is that the School of Music is building and why it's taking so long. Thankfully, their questions will soon be answered, as leaked internal messages between SoM …

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Auntie Readme's Ten Things They Never Taught You In High School

By Cindy Gao & Dr. Et Al. • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

While schools drill certain indisputable facts, such as “the moon landing was filmed at Area 51” and “Ted Cruz’s father was involved in the JFK assassination” into the impressionable young minds, they also peddle deceit, push conspiracy theories, and propagate outright falsehoods. Fortunately, I am here with the world’s premier …

The secret dark reality of ChatGPT

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Much to the dismay of educators around the globe, the popularity of Artificial Intelligence, or AI, has exploded over the past year. Millions of prompts are sent every day to OpenAI’s groundbreaking chatbot ChatGPT. Carnegie Mellon’s students in particular have quickly latched on to this new way to avoid their …

From the Forbes Ave McDonald’s

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

The ancient Greeks, having nothing better to do with their time, came up with six words for love: agape (unconditional love), eros (sexual love), philia (brotherly love), storge (parental love), philautia (self love), and xenia (hospitable love). Less widely known is that the ancient Greeks also invented six words for …

The Man, The Myth, The Farnam

By Coward • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Hey you, did you know that Carnegie Mellon University has its very own version of Superman? A larger-than life guy so essential to campus life whether social, financial, sexual, or academic? A man so powerful he can bend steel beams with his own two hands? A man who can safely …

An image which contains the text "the Carnegie Mellon semester of humiliation" in CMU-consistent branding.

author_name • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Dear Alumni:

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Dear CMU alumni,

I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to …

Duo Push Goes Rogue

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds, the virus will …

Untapped Niches in the U.S. Consumer Market

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Dear reader, I have devoted countless hours over the course of years to rear these ideas; at this point, it is as if they were my children, as if I were giving you my children, and these are some of the finest idea children ever to have been brain birthed. …

Silhouettes of a man with a CRT screen for a head and another man pointing guns at each other on Pausch bridge. It's captioned "explore Human-Computer Interaction at CMU."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

How to tell if my Hinge crush is a honeypot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’ve been dealing with quite the conundrum and was hoping that you, an incredibly intelligent consumer of ReadMe, would be able to help me. You see, I just wanted to get laid. There are few opportunities for romantic or sexual escapades when you’re an alumnus of Carnegie …

SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • Rabbi hot?! • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Remember to tip your TAs! • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • CMU kills suspected 122 cheater in targeted strike; 18 civilians dead • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walkby shootings • To symbolize the colors of spring in Pittsburgh, CMU's Holi celebration exclusively features powders of white, black, and beige • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995-96 • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • Rabbi hot?! • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Remember to tip your TAs! • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • CMU kills suspected 122 cheater in targeted strike; 18 civilians dead. • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walkby shootings • To symbolize the colors of spring in Pittsburgh, CMU's Holi celebration exclusively features powders of white, black, and beige • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995-96. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected.