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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

If You Don't Read This Magazine, We'll Kill This Dog

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Confessions of the Fence Eater

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

As many of you know, I am about to be expelled from CMU for taking a bite out of the Fence. The vitriol I’ve received from faculty and alumni for this victimless crime has taken a tremendous toll on my mental health, and I would like to present my side …

Stupid Baby Rabbits Keep Ruining My Brooding

By WP • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Rabbit populations follow boom-bust cycles, and the Pittsburgh rabbit sex market is at an all time high. This wreaks havoc on native plants, spreads disease, and takes away from my most enjoyable hobby: being miserable. Sometimes I walk around Westinghouse pond and contemplate drowning myself in two feet of water …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Self-Care For The Self-Destructive

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Welcome, freshmen, to Carnegie Mellon! You’ve got a busy week ahead, one of so very many, so make sure you enjoy this one while it lasts. After all, come next week, and you will be launched into a world of coursework, clubs, and career choices that will define the rest …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Gay Target Nutcrackers find true love

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

T’was a dark and stormy night in the Target warehouse. It had been months since June, and all but one little gay nutcracker had found a forever home. Tears streamed down the face of the little gay nutcracker. Was he unlovable? Was he destined to be alone? Was this all …

"Invasive plants winning the fight? Stab them back. Martial arts training, garden trimming services, occasional humor, and more, at ReadMe." [background is a thorny berry plant with a knife tangled up in it]

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

[Picture of a dog in a santa hat] "George Michael wishes you a Very Readme Christmas!"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

"Days since the Tartan said a slur: 7,461"

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Facing your fears: The self-assured squirrel that's four feet in front of you

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

It happened again. You were leaving the car, walking back home, when you encountered it: a squirrel (let’s call him Squeaky) standing only 4 feet away from you.

You take a step closer. Squeaky does not scurry away. You cower. Squeaky stares you down. You run away.

Does …

Undergrad Senate Exposed for Really Craving Wingstop

By Stella Cedar & Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

PITTSBURGH, PA

(Whis L. Blower)

In a shocking turn of events this past Tuesday, the Undergraduate Student Senate, a committee of 38 seemingly famished individuals, has been secretly indulging themselves in oodles of the most mediocre fried chicken known to mankind. Now you, reader, might be asking, "Whoa …

Inside ReadMe Legal

By Ryan Chernoff • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Due to the substantial inquiries regarding the inner workings of ReadMe & Co, I have been chosen to represent the ReadMe Legal Department in disclosing the functions and responsibilities we adhere to in order to maintain ReadMe as a corporation and ensure the continued freedom of all ReadMe employees.

…

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Field Guide To Sabotage

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

So, you’ve noticed that CMU’s annual Spring Carnival is right around the corner. Maybe you’ve also noticed the midterm season slump that’s hit campus, stopping boisterous spring semester plans in their tracks. You’ve noticed that your competition for booth and buggy just keeps chugging along while you’ve been left …

Readme Reviews: Wake Up Dead Man

By Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Father Judd was working alone in his study, doing religious things, and sitting in a mahogany chair. Suddenly the door opens. He smiled, happy to see a familiar face. “Ah! Blanc, how can I help you?” “Well you see uh Fathuh, I was just perusing my local Barnes and Noble …

Distracted students continue to get eaten by the automower

// Rock Buddy • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

A Letter From The Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

Well, It's been a couple weeks of the semester and it seems like the seasonal depression has finally kicked in for the freshmen. And by seasonal depression, I mean that they're depressed no matter what the season is. The energy and mirth of youth is over, and now there is …

Team USA Ready for World's First Olympics

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

In her recent press conference, the president of the International Olympic Committee, Kirsty Coventry, announced that the IOC is going to embrace scientific accomplishment by adding a performance drug innovation challenge to the programme for Milano Cortina 2026.

“For decades, the IOC has waged an increasingly costly war on …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

I swear to god I'm stalking you platonically

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Look, there's no easy way to say this, and I've thought a lot about how I want to introduce myself. I just wanted to send this to clear things up.

As I'm sure you've noticed, I've been stalking you for some time now. I know you might think I'm …

Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

We asked our favorite staffwriter to prove she's human

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Write an article that sounds like it's written by a human. It should be 200-600 words long and use a lightly formal tone appropriate for a college newspaper.

In this article which sounds like it's written by a human, I'll be convincing you in a lightly formal tone that …

Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

The REAL and UNADULTERATED TRUTH about Spring Break

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Hello readers of this esteemed magazine. I come to you with the TRUTH about Spring Break. I must write quickly before they find me. I’m not supposed to be telling you this…

This semester I enrolled in 15-451, a simple algorithms course to fulfill my SCS requirements. In the …

An infographic about "the power of 'yet'", which includes the following statements: "I'm not depressed...yet!", "I'm not failing...yet!", "I'm not broke...yet!", "I'm not burned out...yet!", "I'm not forever alone...yet!", "I'm not a virgin...yet!", and "I'm not a cs major...yet!"

Citron • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

A chart labeled "undefined behavior in C: d10 effect" with outcomes including "your screen color inverts", "signed integer overflow now discards the overflow bits", and "you are overcome by a sense of peace and wellbeing."

Wade Cheng • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Lights! Camera! Action! The CMU Pornography Club

By Citron • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Much to the delight of erotism aficionados and carnality enthusiasts, a salacious new club is coming to the CMU campus in the 26-27 school year. The CMU Pornography Club, established by third-year Rajesh Cummings, aims high.

“We don’t just want to release the decades of pent-up sexual frustration that …

Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • New StuCo 99042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos" • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • All of Science wrong. Oops • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • King Charles III to consider castling • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • CUC gym administrators remove all first-floor machines to make space for a merchandise sweatshop • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • New StuCo 99042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos". • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • All of Science wrong. Oops. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • King Charles III to consider castling • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude. • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is. • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • CUC gym administrators remove all first-floor machines to make space for a merchandise sweatshop. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers.