Paid for by: The Wretched hands of global capitalism and Kevin

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

KGB Presents: BabyMe

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Exclusive Feature: Booth Baby

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

This is the heartwarming story of how two students met through working on Booth together—and they even made a booth-themed house for their baby.

Baby John Wilkes, born on May 30, was the first child of Tartan alumni Tricia and Bill Ding. This couple first met when working on …

The Tri-Wheelers of Pittsburgh

By Handy Manny • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

August 16th, 2026

I woke up in a cold sweat as the sirens blared across the street; that was the fourth house burnt to a crisp this week. There's no way it wasn’t them. As I went to sleep, I noticed a faint shadow just out of my sight. …

Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Mar. K. O. • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Handy Manny • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Image showing a smiling Sen. McConnell entering a box with a radioactive source and poison, Schrodiner's-cat style.

Good Luck, Senator McConnell!

// Daniel Yin • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Some Pointers for CMU SCS

By Mar. K. O. • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

0xE215629B68445E00

0x9E9E5875E147CF3C

0xD730C87F17A67175

0x43AB4FF862A36789

0x3716546A15DFC798

Segmentation fault (core dumped)

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

With child labor laws repealed, CMU Daycare begins buggy training

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin …

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

I Hate Baker-Porter

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Baker-Porter Hall is the most evil building on all of CMU’s campus. Its construction is proof of hell's existence. In order to graduate from the architecture program you have to successfully map Baker-Porter, no one’s done it yet.

Baker-Porter cannot decide if it wants to be Baker or Porter. …

Map of CMU

// Bianca T • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Founder's Body Found in Doherty

By Pennsylvania Jones • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided …

A diagram of a cruise ship cabin with 16 silhoettes of people packed in in various uncomfortable configurations.

Optimal cruise ship packing found.

// Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

A photograph of a mysterious individual handing a large (11×17") piece of paper which says "DOG BREEDING LICENSE" in large bold font to an "unidentified, dashing Readme staffer" in front of the bronze Scotty dog sculpture outside the Cohon University Center. The unidentified staffer is indeed quite dashing. In the photo they're wearing a Bring Me The Horizon hoodie with a readme sticker.

CMU confers Class of '28 Dogbreeding License onto unidentified, dashing Readme staffer

// "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Buggy: An Introduction

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:

1) You are short
2) You went …

The REAL and UNADULTERATED TRUTH about Spring Break

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Hello readers of this esteemed magazine. I come to you with the TRUTH about Spring Break. I must write quickly before they find me. I’m not supposed to be telling you this…

This semester I enrolled in 15-451, a simple algorithms course to fulfill my SCS requirements. In the …

An image appearing to be a screenshot of a Polymarket betting option labeled "Will that bigass construction project on Forbes/Craig be completed on time?" with a 1% projected chance of succeeding and a $500 trillion volume.

A second market opened: What even is this project?!

// Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

A Spring Carnival bingo sheet with the following items: crash a UHaul, park in the CFA parking lot, offend an alumni, confuse a Pitt student, go on vacation instead, fall off the ferris wheel, invite your visiting parents to a rager, send incriminating photos to parents, violate OSHA, sleep, report a friend to CMU PD, steal a buggy and get chased by CMU PD, FREE: do homework, win something illegitimately, get a dorm noise complaint, wake up in a random basement, single-handedly demolish Donner, misuse a scissor lift, go backstage somewhere illicitly, go sledding, destroy grass in a fit of rage, obtain permanent trauma, throw up on a friend, discover the limits of caffeine, and get banned from a frat.

Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

SCS Students to join call centers en masse

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

This afternoon the Office of International Education in collaboration with the School of Computer Science announced an exciting opportunity for all Computer Science majors. Students will be given the opportunity to provide Microsoft tech support in various call centers throughout India. This will provide them hands-on experience with both programming …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

With Carnegie Mellon's tuition continuing to rise following the exponential function e(x) = fuck you, the amount of money that I can sink into readme is starting to dwindle. I've been trying to defraud several investors by promising good quality, funny content, but unfortunately, nobody has taken the bait yet.

…

Steam Tunnels Missed Connection

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

I was once going on a leisurely night-time stroll around campus buildings in November, which offers me the comfort of heating, and to give me the opportunity to explore buildings I otherwise don't have classes in. Doherty hall, in particular, is a complicated maze to the non-art student — and …

Following surprise come-from-behind campaign, George Michael announced as U.S. President Elect

By Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

president elect In a landslide victory, George Michael has successfully secured his victory in the 2024 Presidential Election. This marks the first time a third-party candidate has ever won a presidential election in United States History. Michael is also the first animal to reach the position of Commander in Chief since Garfield’s …

A skech of an old-school camera being filmed with a smartphone, labeled "film camera".

John Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

The only keyboard you'll EVER need at CMU!

// Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Top 10 Tops

By Tulip Sondisdik • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

10. Bob Ross “Just beat the devil out of it” was NOT about the paintbrush.

9. Thom Yorke He wrote Creep.

8. Ellen She’ll abuse you just like how she abused her staff.

7. Meryl Streep Have you seen The Devil Wears Prada?

6. Michael Cera …

2026 Winter Olympics set to debut Calvinball

By Alex Werth & Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Upon donations by mysterious benefactors, Calvinball is now part of the Winter Olympics. The following is an account of the first match, an embroiled battle between Botswana and Burkina Faso, as retold by an unnamed Calvinball aficionado watching from a safe distance.

GESLING STADIUM Students flocked to the arena …

War flashbacks to now include midroll ads

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

There has never been war without trauma. Throughout history, countless soldiers have been kept awake by memories of senseless violence. Many combat veterans cannot hear fireworks or smell burning rubber without recalling the horrors of war. While many people see this as a tragedy, America’s leading advertising firms see it …

Gender euphoria: humorless humping

By Jasmine Papino-Wood • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Gender Dysphoria is the concept of one’s gender identity within oneself clashing with their perceived or performed gender presented to the outside world. This is a common phenomenon, particularly in the trans and non- binary communities, where this dissonance causes intense discomfort. Common triggers for dysphoria include improper pronoun use, …

CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident • Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • Rabbi hot?! • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, AlQaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • Strip club entirely bereft of copper wire • CMU announces tuition freeze, students to keep paying forever • I met Santa Claus, she's black • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident. • Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • Rabbi hot?! • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, AlQaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • Strip club entirely bereft of copper wire • CMU announces tuition freeze, students to keep paying forever • I met Santa Claus, she's black.