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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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A Letter from the Editor

As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which …

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Kill Phil

The average lifespan of marmota momax, the common groundhog, is 2 to 3 years. That is 2 to 3 years too long. I don’t remember what that fuckass rodent said or did back in February, but whether that little prick saw his shadow or not is really irrelevant to …

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Readme Gets Deployed

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18-100 to introduce larger toolkits

ECE freshman carrying black and yellow tool kits is an ever-popular sight on Carnegie Mellon’s campus. Originally introduced to publicly shame people for choosing ECE as a major, the tool kits cemented their place when the head TAs for 18-100 realized they could store lab materials within the tool kits. …

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A great-depression-era bread line, but for mental health.

It's Gone

2:33 PM

It’s the day before printing. Time to finally write that article the editor-in-chief keeps asking me for. Let me just check the pitch tracker to see what I’m supposed to write about… huh, it’s just a blank spot next to my name. That’s weird. Our secretary’s usually …

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In defense of CMU: Why Carnegie Mellon is simply built better than others

Thinking about transferring or talking badly about Carnegie Mellon University (CMU)? It’s often second nature for CMU students to contemplate this. However, consider reconsidering. CMU is a pioneer of American universities, famous for being the best and staying the best. Here are the top five reasons why CMU is still …

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A skech of an old-school camera being filmed with a smartphone, labeled "film camera".

Snowman animated by rogue BME students

At 3 am on Wednesday, 12/05, a team of exhausted BME student researchers made a major leap in genetic engineering, by successfully animating a snowman. The snow creature – humanoid with rounded limbs, standing around four feet tall – is powered by the highly bioengineered carrot forming its ‘nose’. The …

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Novel research indicates possible weakly positive correlation between alcohol and drunkenness

Prior work has extensively characterized the social, physiological, and psychological effects of alcohol consumption; however, the direct relationship between alcohol and drunkenness remains underexplored. A survey of prior research finds that all studies presume a positive correlation, despite no papers establishing this, revealing a significant flaw in the literature.

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They will greet us as sexual liberators

The saddest day of my life has been, without question, the death of Pitt's beloved former vice chancellor Dick Cheney. On the 4-month anniversary of this somber occasion, I'd like to republish the 2003 interview another of our staffwriters had with him, which represents the purest encapsulation of his fighting …

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README experts analyze a game of Chess 2.0

We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate throughout the seventeen and …

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BREAKTHROUGH: Man Crushed by Falling Piano, Killed by Banana Peel

(CMU) - In 1945, one J. Robert Oppenheimer oversaw the first detonation of a nuclear weapon, and for decades thereafter the institution of physical sciences was seen for what it is: a dominant force of the universe surpassing human confines, and one of the great sciences, a real science, ethically …

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Readme Rejected

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Steam Tunnels Missed Connection

I was once going on a leisurely night-time stroll around campus buildings in November, which offers me the comfort of heating, and to give me the opportunity to explore buildings I otherwise don't have classes in. Doherty hall, in particular, is a complicated maze to the non-art student — and …

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Candidates for a 51st State

In this review, we’re going to be analyzing potential candidates to annex our great country to add as our 51st American state. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with BlackRock buying the Panama Canal and Microsoft acquiring yet another acre of old-growth redwood forest to build another data center. As …

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An ad for a "march against leap year," beginning on March 1st ("no, the REAL March 1st").
A Missouri driver's license with all fields blank, labeled "DIY Fake ID".

People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed

Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian …

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Help Wanted: Password Guesses

A check made out from the Make-A-Wish Foundation to readMe Incorporated for $400,000, with a memo identifying it as being for "releasing the children unharmed" As all of you astute readers are likely aware of by this point, your favorite factual news source readMe is going through a mild financial crisis. Luckily, readMe was always aware of this possibility, and four years ago the editor stored a nest egg(courtesy of a friendly local business), just …

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Heart not in work, striking Homestead workers declare

After weeks of refusing to stay working at the steel mill past 2 a.m., employees at Homestead Steel Works have finally gone on strike. They are protesting outside the factory, saying that working all day without a lunch break is “unethical.” Some complain they have not been home to visit …

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CARNEGIE FEET PICS LEAKED

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Novel contraption from the Mechanical Engineering Department

In this study, we present a novel device capable of oscillating parameters altering the fabric of contingency, never before seen in literature. While similar contraptions have attempted to distinguish themselves in the field in such a way, none have succeeded, until now. A previous doohickey, developed by Et Al and …

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New ID Loopholes allow for underage drinking!

Readme is proud to announce that it will be hosting a party this Friday night to welcome all incoming freshmen present for o-week, and yes, there will be alcohol. To be invited, simply bring a copy of this week’s Readme issue with you and show it to our bouncer. “What …

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OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Controversy over Rev Noodle slogan: "Are you ready for the revolution?" • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • Confidential: Exam answers revealed to student in Hunan noodles • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist. • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Controversy over Rev Noodle slogan: "Are you ready for the revolution?" • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas. • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • Confidential: Exam answers revealed to student in Hunan noodles • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game.