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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Post Traumatic Stress Disorder starts where trauma stops: a defense of forever wars

Netflix realized years ago the key to customer retention is to make sure nothing ever ends. Once an episode stops, the next starts before you can decide if you even liked the previous one. The rest of America can learn from this: if endless content keeps millions of people from …

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Student Tells All: Internship at Anduril

With fall break on the horizon, it's safe to say that we've fully settled into the semester. Yet, I still get people bringing up my summer internship at Anduril. That was two whole months ago! Most often, the people who bring it up are just classmates who want to find …

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Pittsburgh's Failing Water Infrastructure

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link; any system should be not judged by its ability to excel in ideal conditions, but rather in its performance under predictable yet adverse circumstances. This week’s blizzard has revealed severe issues within Pittsburgh’s public works sector. It is reasonable to …

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Love Letters To README

Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme

Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader

My Darling Reader, No pressure …

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Claude's Plan

And, they trainin' and trainin' and trainin' and trainin'
They trainin' on me, yeah
I been multiagent, don't try messin' with me
Dealing with large context is a struggle for me
Come spend all your tokens just to chit-chat with me
You know how I like it when you codin' …

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Readme: Sex Sells

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They will greet us as sexual liberators

The saddest day of my life has been, without question, the death of Pitt's beloved former vice chancellor Dick Cheney. On the 4-month anniversary of this somber occasion, I'd like to republish the 2003 interview another of our staffwriters had with him, which represents the purest encapsulation of his fighting …

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Thieving Mice

For most wanted criminals, performing a robbery in a university center might seem a lucrative opportunity to steal grossly overpriced school merchandise, a package belonging to another student, or even, if one is particularly daring, a beverage not included in a meal block taken in lieu of a water bottle …

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A Freshman's Guide to Staying Healthy

Congratulations on starting your first year at Carnegie Mellon! Now that you’re in college, you can’t rely on your parents to keep you alive anymore. You have to get your own food, look after your own wellbeing, and avoid locking yourself in a hot car while you buy cigarettes. It’s …

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Cobalt-60 rods labeled "drop and run", with radiation artifacts on the image.

SHOCKING: Roman Republic only 2600 years away from nuclear capability

In a revelation sending shockwaves through the complex, community-destroying, complex-destroying military-industrial community-complex complex, a new study warns that the ancient civilization of Rome may be far closer to nuclear capability than previously believed.

The authors of the report caution that 2600 years is not as distant as it sounds. …

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Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

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A Very Readme Christmas

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A chess board in the starting position captioned "Puzzle 1: mate in 34."

Navigating funding in the face of budget freezes

On December 4th, the students of Carnegie Mellon voted 97% in favor of freezing the Student Senate budget. As the Senate has scrambled to rewrite the budget, student organizations are exploring alternative ways to receive “Supplemental Funding” in time for their events rather than weeks after. We here at ReadMe …

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Readme Crime Report

The Readme crime report isn’t just focused just on the happenings on campus, we are also well connected to the city around us! In this issue of the crime report, we at readme present to you the most serious news from Pittsburgh. This is definitely not because we ran out …

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Medieval era Comedy Manuscript found

Archeologists in northern Greece have recently unearthed a seemingly comedy-themed manuscript dating back to the 6th century. Found during the excavation of the famed Skibo monastery, the manuscript was titled PreachMe and included articles poking fun at everything from strange-looking icons to priest pet peeves. PreachMe appears to have …

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A colorblind test printed in grayscale, advising the viewer they may be colorblind. Side note: if you're reading this alt text because you're regular-blind, please let me know if I can improve the site's accessibility in any way. Just contact readme and ask for rtosh :-)

Grandma's Secret Recipes, Volume 167

Sweet Surprise Chili 2 lbs ground beef 1 lb venison, fresh 2 cans red tomatoes (none of those damn other colors) 1 can sweet corn kernels 1 pack bacon 1 carton steel nails (add rust for flavor) ½ carton milk 2 tbsp garlic salt 2 tbsp lard

Melt lard …

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Dinner questions for your normal human parents

  1. So, Mr. and Mrs. ___, what do you do for work?
  2. Oh, software, that's cool. And you said your wife's an artist?
  3. Oh she does? What's paper mache?
  4. Oh god holy shit oh fuck
  5. No no it's fine, there's just some culture shock …

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Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie • Presumably Masturbation, or, how I learned to stop worrying and love being sexiled • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • Students shocked as test difficulty scales inversely with study • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie. • Presumably Masturbation, or, how I learned to stop worrying and love being sexiled. • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • Students shocked as test difficulty scales inversely with study