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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Rejected


My Love Affair with Raymond John Wean

Dear Reader,

It started as most romances do, with a meet-cute in a coffee shop. La Prima Espresso at the entrance of Wean Hall has always been one of my favorite places to grab a drink between my life-threatening engineering classes, but I had no idea just how important …

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Claude's Plan

And, they trainin' and trainin' and trainin' and trainin'
They trainin' on me, yeah
I been multiagent, don't try messin' with me
Dealing with large context is a struggle for me
Come spend all your tokens just to chit-chat with me
You know how I like it when you codin' …

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How to make your neighbor's crawl space feel like home

With rising house prices and global climate change, many of us are making the sensible switch to cheaper, more sustainable housing, such as the attics and crawl spaces of our former neighbors. But when you come home from a long day of gender studies, you want to relax in a …

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My mommy says I can't go to war

My mommy said I can’t go to war.
My mommy said I can’t go to bootcamp.
My mommy said I can’t go to basic training.

My mommy said war is scary.
My mommy said I’m her precious little boy.
My mommy said I am going to get hurt in …

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A library card which has "WHORE" written on it in scratchy lettering.

Untapped Niches in the U.S. Consumer Market

Dear reader, I have devoted countless hours over the course of years to rear these ideas; at this point, it is as if they were my children, as if I were giving you my children, and these are some of the finest idea children ever to have been brain birthed. …

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Back to School at CMU

It’s once again that time of the year for students to prepare to return to Pittsburgh for another semester at dear ol’ Carnegie Tech. And what better way is there to kick off the new year than with a trip to the bookstore for some back to school supplies? …

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Readme Reviews: Wake Up Dead Man

Father Judd was working alone in his study, doing religious things, and sitting in a mahogany chair. Suddenly the door opens. He smiled, happy to see a familiar face. “Ah! Blanc, how can I help you?” “Well you see uh Fathuh, I was just perusing my local Barnes and Noble …

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Student Dies of Autoerotic Asphyxiation on Donner Swings

PITTSBURGH, PA In a first-of-its-kind incident for CMU, a student has passed away from asphyxiation by autofellatio, otherwise known as a “self suck incident.” Eyewitnesses report that late Thursday night, the victim approached the playground swings in the Donner Ditch, pulled their pants down, and proceeded to assume a position …

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A movie poster for "Real Classes Have Curves."

Dying CMU students will now take "Finals"

On Friday, Warner Hall announced a policy of "Finals" (with a capital "F"), much to the confusion of the student body. While the specifics of the plan have yet to be shared, administration has made concepts of it clear: all CMU students who die during the fall and spring semesters …

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Pentagon Swears In New War Crime Scapegoat After Previous One Died

The US Department of Defense has recently concluded its emergency internal election to find a worthy successor to the previous war crime scapegoat who unexpectedly died this year. The election was hastily called because there were no contingency plans in case the last scapegoat died, as no one at the …

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Tax Guide for Santa's Presents

After much confusion and arrests during last year’s Christmas, the IRS has decided to release an official tax guide for any presents received from Santa. This will be a comprehensive 50-page guide listing all the various rules for how to declare these presents, factoring things like value, type, Christmas spirit, …

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Carnegie Mellon to offer new exchange programs

If the news here in the US of A is starting to get to you, don’t fear. CMU has announced two new exchange programs so you can get the hell out of here, at least for a year.

By popular demand, the CMU-CMU program will be opening next year, …

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SHOCKING: Roman Republic only 2600 years away from nuclear capability

In a revelation sending shockwaves through the complex, community-destroying, complex-destroying military-industrial community-complex complex, a new study warns that the ancient civilization of Rome may be far closer to nuclear capability than previously believed.

The authors of the report caution that 2600 years is not as distant as it sounds. …

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Auntie Readme: I want to get back with my ex!

Free Bird from DC: Hey Auntie, I think I’ve hit a rough patch in my life. It’s February and all this talk of love and relationships has got me all torn up. See, it's been a rough year. I’ve just been feeling like shit. I keep blowing up at all …

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Easy Alternatives To Fixing Your Heater!

With the current weather conditions, it is important that everyone stays safe, and more importantly warm. However, when the heater has to be fixed seven times in one month– and still isn’t working– it might be time to look for alternatives. Heaters can be a bit out of the price …

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SCANDAL AT CMU: The SECRET Behind ANSYS Hall's Weight Gain

Exclusive! The dedicated journalists of ReadMe news have been carefully following ANSYS Hall the past few weeks. As one of the youngest buildings at Carnegie Mellon, it has a lot to live up to. Completed in 2019, ANSYS is one of the hottest buildings on campus. It’s outfitted with large …

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Warning

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Ethics final causes moderate ruckus

Over the past few weeks, local shooting ranges have been seeing an increase in CMU student patronage. According to onsite readme reporters, a number of students are taking time out of their weekends to practice at the pistol range.

Many members of reAdme speculate that this may be related …

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Readme Studies Abroad

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A word search which repeatedly tells the reader to take a deep breath and start breathing manually.

SCS Students to join call centers en masse

This afternoon the Office of International Education in collaboration with the School of Computer Science announced an exciting opportunity for all Computer Science majors. Students will be given the opportunity to provide Microsoft tech support in various call centers throughout India. This will provide them hands-on experience with both programming …

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10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • To meet rising demand, U.S. Mint begins distributing the 1/100th dollar bill • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Today's Wordle: "BBBBB" • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Freak temperature drop causes huge windfall for smalltalk enjoyers • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it. • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen. • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • To meet rising demand, U.S. Mint begins distributing the 1/100th dollar bill • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Today's Wordle: "BBBBB" • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Freak temperature drop causes huge windfall for smalltalk enjoyers. • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel.