Paid for by: a marvelous collection of mental hospital escapees, engineers, and the odd english major.
KGB Presents: readme
Editors-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi, Greeshma Adiga
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

A Brave New World


Stealing at Stack'd: A Guide

Stack’d Underground is, on most nights, a thriving center of off duty student activity. Many regular joes are here to grab a quick bite or chat with their classmates. But for enterprising CMU students like me and you, this is also the perfect opportunity to make a quick dime without …

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Morewood Gardens Undergoes Revitalization

It is no secret that the dorms at CMU have some... issues. Such a thing is to be expected for a college struggling to obtain adequate funding, but the students over at Morewood Gardens have been putting great effort into revitalizing their home.

This effort first began with the …

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CMU student invests in classroom real estate

While most students are worried about saving money for their futures, Tepper student D. R. Hortonne has found a more innovative solution: investing in classroom space. “The economy is rough right now, and I’m not exactly interested in working in fast food, y’know?” said Hortonne in a recent interview. “I …

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I Woke Up and My Butt Print was on the Fence

When I opened my eyes that fateful morning, I saw evidence of last night’s rager all over the room. It looked like your average CMU party. Beakers of titrated Hennessy littered the kitchen table. Kilts were strewn about on the ground, some with accompanying pairs of tartan underwear. Someone cuddled …

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People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed

Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian …

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Bio-Computing at CMU Promises to Revolutionize Queer Literature

“It is sacrilege that anyone graduating from Dietrich as an English major could even consider the possibility of having a stable career” – Unnamed Computational Biology researcher. With the unveiling of ChatGPT-4o early this summer, along with constant daily advancements in AI technology, artists are feeling mounting pressure as their …

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2026 Winter Olympics set to debut Calvinball

Upon donations by mysterious benefactors, Calvinball is now part of the Winter Olympics. The following is an account of the first match, an embroiled battle between Botswana and Burkina Faso, as retold by an unnamed Calvinball aficionado watching from a safe distance.

GESLING STADIUM Students flocked to the arena …

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Local school defends diaper-wearing mascot from furry allegations

For schools all over the country, sports mascots represent a sense of school spirit and athletic pride. For Doherty Regional High School, however, their mascot represents something else: the ongoing debate about what constitutes a furry.

In order to investigate the situation, I did some field reporting and attended …

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Wait, people actually read this?

Just to like confirm, people read this shit? Like, this? Like ReadMe? This ReadMe? There’s not a different ReadMe CMU satire magazine right? Just this one? Which to reiterate, people read?

I thought this magazine only existed to use up our print quota. I thought we only put this …

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Candidates for a 51st State

In this review, we’re going to be analyzing potential candidates to annex our great country to add as our 51st American state. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with BlackRock buying the Panama Canal and Microsoft acquiring yet another acre of old-growth redwood forest to build another data center. As …

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OCs Accidentally Create a Cult

Friday morning students woke up to the news that regular orientation activities were shut down by CMU PD due to orientation counselors accidentally creating a cult. This decision was made in the wake of Carnegie cup’s carnage. While details are murky, efforts to relocate the fence to Wean’s roof, and …

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Heart not in work, striking Homestead workers declare

After weeks of refusing to stay working at the steel mill past 2 a.m., employees at Homestead Steel Works have finally gone on strike. They are protesting outside the factory, saying that working all day without a lunch break is “unethical.” Some complain they have not been home to visit …

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Triamgle Mightmare

I woke up last night, sweaty from a nightmare of a different world. A different world that made me more scared than I’ve ever been before.

Sine was called sime. Cosine was called cosime. Tangent was called tamgent. In fact, all of trigonometry was called trigomometry. I feared for my …

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An ad promising to "enhance your erected with this one simple trick," next to photos of Walking to the Sky (100 ft., maybe) and the Cathedral of Learning (535 ft.).

readme introduces the BoothBuggy

It’s Carnival, and as a new organization on campus, readme has decided that we want to try engaging in all of the Carnival traditions! Of course, we are a small organization, so we weren’t sure if we were going to be able to do everything. However, as a group of …

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A map of CMU's campus with many spots labeled. They include such notable Adderall distribution points as "clenched in daddy thicc's cheeks", "wean 9 in the blue glowing rooms", "the daycare", and "CMU Freaky house."

Waking up at 4 AM is very healthy, actually

If you’ve spent any time on the cut you’ve been hounded by upperclassmen who do buggy asking you how tall you are (not a catcall, for the record). You’re in CIT and not one of the lucky few under 5’ 2’’, you’ve been asked to be a mechanic. Now I’m …

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A word search which repeatedly tells the reader to take a deep breath and start breathing manually.
A skeleton in a sports car looking back at you. Neon text reads "Adios, fucker! Have a good one, friend."

NYC Renter SHOCKED by Spacious Booths

Wednesday. 2:00 PM. Pittsburgh.

It was supposed to be a fun weekend getaway, but for 28-year-old Manhattan barista and renter John Novak, even a glimpse into the festive booths at Carnival turned into an existential crisis on the state of real estate.

“It was insane. I went in …

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A Letter from the Editor

As you may or may not know, ReadMe has been around since the dawn of time. We’re so old, in fact, that for our first volumes we were called TellMe. We orated about the Big Bang, the age of the dinosaurs, and the evolution of humanity. Once we could write, …

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Readme gets divorced

I am standing outside the Allegheny County Courthouse, where historic divorce proceedings are happening. Just moments ago, The Tartan showed up for emotional support for the reader. README does not look pleased, I wonder how this is going to play out.

10:06 AM

Readme’s lawyer has requested that …

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KGB "Scav Hunt" data trains AI to assist in ground invasion

A campus event named ‘Scav Hunt’ by the KGB, a student organization, has come under fire after data from the venue was allegedly used to train an AI model, rumoured to potentially assist in a ground invasion of Doherty Hall.

While event-goers reported being "mildly amused” and unsuspicious, likely …

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There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Rest in Peace Buddy • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • Pittsburgh announces new bridge connecting two places that were already connected, like, five times • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • I went back in time and fucked Isaac Newton to prevent calculus, and other shocking confessions • Elves join UAW Local 1701 • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Seeing Walking to the Sky as boring as seeing photograph of Walking to the Sky, studies report • Rabbi hot?! • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Rest in Peace Buddy • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • Pittsburgh announces new bridge connecting two places that were already connected, like, five times. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded. • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • I went back in time and fucked Isaac Newton to prevent calculus, and other shocking confessions. • Elves join UAW Local 1701. • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Seeing Walking to the Sky as boring as seeing photograph of Walking to the Sky, studies report. • Rabbi hot?! • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective