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Editors-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi, Greeshma Adiga

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

A Brave New World

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Anti-Oughtiplus Sex

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Halfpast hush, window rainrattled, the lampwick whispering made a little sun of her undone cuff. May I? Me: aye: wristward, thurstward, tictactile, hisher pulse and the twobeat beast becoming, tictactile. Grab!tation: now a conjugal third.

[He’s barely grabbed her wrist?! At this pace, we’ll need a second issue for …

Weed is not what you think!

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

If you’re thinking about smoking marijuana for the first time, heed my words. It’s nothing like the movies. Recently, I gave into my curiosity and put that dangerous green succubus to my lips for the first time. I thought that as soon as I inhaled, I’d be whisked away to …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Married in Vegas %

By Alex Werth • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada - In the middle of the American desert stands a glittering glass oasis. Baking by day, shining by night, this is the crown of industrial society’s indulgences. Here you can find lovers, gamblers, thrill seekers, and the modern synthesis thereof: competitive relationship speedrunners.

We find ourselves …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

CMU student invests in classroom real estate

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 3, 2026

While most students are worried about saving money for their futures, Tepper student D. R. Hortonne has found a more innovative solution: investing in classroom space. “The economy is rough right now, and I’m not exactly interested in working in fast food, y’know?” said Hortonne in a recent interview. “I …

Stealing at Stack'd: A Guide

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Stack’d Underground is, on most nights, a thriving center of off duty student activity. Many regular joes are here to grab a quick bite or chat with their classmates. But for enterprising CMU students like me and you, this is also the perfect opportunity to make a quick dime without …

Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Lights! Camera! Action! The CMU Pornography Club

By Citron • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Much to the delight of erotism aficionados and carnality enthusiasts, a salacious new club is coming to the CMU campus in the 26-27 school year. The CMU Pornography Club, established by third-year Rajesh Cummings, aims high.

“We don’t just want to release the decades of pent-up sexual frustration that …

Naturally, the Italian military was keen to establish outposts in the area

// Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

The original Star Wars movie poster with Luke and Leia's faces replaced with Farnam Jahanian's.

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

[Picture of a dog in a santa hat] "George Michael wishes you a Very Readme Christmas!"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Making Money on Campus

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

The unfortunate financial situation you’re in is not uncommon among new students. You may have managed to get into CMU — yippee! — but you had to give up your life savings and right arm in order to pay tuition. While Valentine’s Day will never be the same with the …

Readme Rejected

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

So you want to TA a class

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Like many CMU students, you may have seen the 15-112 TAs decked out in their bright blue hoodies, haunting Gates 5. While their swag is atrocious, their aura is undeniable. To obtain this aura, you need to become a TA.

Many students expect their TA duties to be relatively …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

A screenshot of a Gmail conversation in which a student asks for an extension on C0VM due to being on the front lines of a battle, described in intense and gory detail. A reply from Iliano Cervesato states, "if you can type, you can code."

Meat • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

An ultrasound showing a crumpled up piece of newspaper.

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

We're broke

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

A comic with three captioned illustrations. In order, it reads "not to flex on anyone, but I'm Jewish, and I got into art school just fine."

B • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Meat • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

Eshaan calls Pinkertons on striking readme staff

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

On September 3rd, 2024, the staff of the student-run newspaper “readme”, serving Tartans true and peer-reviewed news since 2024, decided to go on strike in an unprecedented display of resentment towards Eshaan Joshi, CEO of said newspaper. This strike happened after months of attempted negotiations with Mr. Joshi over payment, …

Human Mating Calls: The Bird Perspective

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Humans are among nature’s most social animals. They are renowned for their group migrations, cooperative foraging, communal roosting, synchronous breeding aggregations, precise parent–offspring interactions, coordinated group defenses, and intricate territorial and courtship rituals. In these and other contexts, and indeed in most moments of their lives, humans’ capability to navigate …

Kill Phil

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

The average lifespan of marmota momax, the common groundhog, is 2 to 3 years. That is 2 to 3 years too long. I don’t remember what that fuckass rodent said or did back in February, but whether that little prick saw his shadow or not is really irrelevant to …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

History's first booth

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

HUNT SPECIAL - Carnegie Mellon University’s springtime Carnival brings with it many beloved traditions, perhaps most recognizable of all, Booth, a weeklong mad sprint through constructing marvelously untrustworthy houses. But did you know that the roots of booth trace back to far before CMU’s founding? Back before the scientists of …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

An Open Letter to CaPS

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

It’s that time of year again: Finals Week. Soon, classes will end and the excitement of the end of the semester will kick in. By excitement, I mean, absolute panic. Panic about failing exams, panic about failing classes, panic about your mom’s weird boyfriend at Christmas dinner. With this exciting …

Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • CMU revises clone policy so you can take two exams at the same time • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Truancy StuCo shut down for record-low attendance • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer • Asian Student Association to be renamed Student Association to remove redundancy • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • CMU revises clone policy so you can take two exams at the same time • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Truancy StuCo shut down for record-low attendance • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer. • Asian Student Association to be renamed Student Association to remove redundancy • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude. • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat.