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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Sweepstakes forbids new live-birth method

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Just weeks ahead of Carnival, Sweepstakes has dropped a bombshell on all buggy teams: due to existing rules prohibiting mass loss during a race, the “live birth method” is officially banned. In previous years, buggy drivers would impregnate themselves prior to Carnival, nourishing the fetus with Stack’d and melatonin gummies. …

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

"The reality of being a safety icon: documenting the lives of those who save ours. In theaters April 1st." [many illustrations of stickmen getting drunk, snorting substances, stumbling around, and so on]

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

New job opportunities for recent graduates.

By Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Dear Recent Graduates,

Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …

I Ate 100 Tic Tacs and now I’m Glowing

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

My day started off pretty normal. I went to the store and bought my groceries. At checkout a box of tic tacs tempted me. I purchased the box. I ate one tic tac. It was so yummy. I ate another tic tac it was yummier. 5 hours later and I …

Carnegie Crime Report

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

README prides itself on informing the students of Carnegie Mellon on local news and major events. Due to a large influx in crime on and near campus, README is publishing the details of several crimes so students know what to look out for. Safety is README’s top priority as an …

The New And Improved Readme Guide to Being a Landlord

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Congrats! You just picked up the keys to your second home. Time to turn this place into the ~~shittiest~~ slightly below average college house of some wannabe frat bro’s dreams. Here are readmE’s patented tips to get your place ready for some fresh faced college douchebags.

Tip 1: Your …

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Introducing Tall Booth

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

As students, staff, and alumni flood the Midway this Carnival, they’ll notice the usual arrangement of booths, each with its own unique design. Navigating through the Midway, entranced with the artistry of Spring Carnival, they’ll walk slowly into the shadow lurking at the back of the Midway. There, they’ll find …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

With Carnegie Mellon's tuition continuing to rise following the exponential function e(x) = fuck you, the amount of money that I can sink into readme is starting to dwindle. I've been trying to defraud several investors by promising good quality, funny content, but unfortunately, nobody has taken the bait yet.

…

Waking up at 4 AM is very healthy, actually

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

If you’ve spent any time on the cut you’ve been hounded by upperclassmen who do buggy asking you how tall you are (not a catcall, for the record). You’re in CIT and not one of the lucky few under 5’ 2’’, you’ve been asked to be a mechanic. Now I’m …

An extremely detailed comic depicting a freshman (labeled "greedy freshmen") buying food while stating "yes, more food!" while a worker lebeled "overpaid worker" replies "of course! you're our FAVORITE class!". An emaciated individual in tattered clothes lies on the floor labeled "impoverished upperclassmen" is asking "won't somebody think of us?". A bald man labeled "Farnam" is taking a selfie while saying "this way, EVERYONE can take econ!"

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Overheard at CMU

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Feb 19

motion to create the chaired the chaired uh motion to create the chair uh ah shit whats the word for it whats the word for group, club, chair organization committee, sorry whole lotta stress looking at your eyes aw man ever since yeah, I’m sorry. Motion …

Santa Claus sues NORAD Santa Tracker over privacy concerns

By Bridget McMahon • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Late Wednesday, Claus threatened legal action against Norad – North American Aerospace Defense Command – and “organizations who supported harm to my family.” Claus said a stalker followed and blocked a sleigh carrying his favorite elf “Lil Pimmpin,” in the North Pole, thinking the occupant was him. The assailant climbed …

A photograph of a student next to Kim Jong Un with block letters saying "study abroad at North Korea today."

Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Making Money on Campus

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

The unfortunate financial situation you’re in is not uncommon among new students. You may have managed to get into CMU — yippee! — but you had to give up your life savings and right arm in order to pay tuition. While Valentine’s Day will never be the same with the …

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Duo Push Goes Rogue

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds, the virus will …

Map of CMU

// Bianca T • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Entropy+ Dissolves

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by …

The Spinning Jenny is sapphic, actually.

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

The story you’ve been told about the Spinning Jenny is a lie.

Years of queer erasure and the narratives of straight men have hidden the true lesbian love story that is the Spinning Jenny. While your history books tell you that it was a yarnspinning device invented by James …

Three students injured in West Point cake cutting ritual, reports claim

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Last Friday, the nightly dessert distribution at United States Military Academy West Point turned deadly. Jeff, the plebe assigned to cut the fruitcake, doffed his hat and removed the laminated cake-slicing template from beneath it. He brushed fresh buzzcut hairs off the template and placed it on the cake. There …

A grid of boxes labeled "Do It Yourself Wordle!"

"Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

"CMU Crying Club: Wanting to learn what CMU's all about? Tired of crying alone? Has the Carnegie workload finally beaten the life out of your eyes? Join CMU Crying Club! Now partnering with Concepts for even more tears" [stick figures crying]

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Andrew Carnegie had the right idea

By Steve Tummler • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

People who know me in person may know that I am a man who wears underwear. But shopping for men's underwear feels really gay, because you have to like, look at lots of men in underwear. This is a problem, because I am very homophobic.

I considered wearing women's …

Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • Today's Wordle: "BBBBB" • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • OpenAI launches new Abacus; Calculator sales drop dramatically • CMU kills suspected 122 cheater in targeted strike; 18 civilians dead • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • Rest in Peace Buddy • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • I'm only going to be seeing one kind of Python this Valentine's day • Hardest job imaginable: affirming therapist to drone strike today • Booth Teardown migrates off Midway, Maggie Mo destroyed • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • Today's Wordle: "BBBBB" • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • OpenAI launches new Abacus; Calculator sales drop dramatically • CMU kills suspected 122 cheater in targeted strike; 18 civilians dead. • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • Rest in Peace Buddy • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • I'm only going to be seeing one kind of Python this Valentine's day. • Hardest job imaginable: affirming therapist to drone strike today. • Booth Teardown migrates off Midway, Maggie Mo destroyed • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead