Paid for by: the extra cost of those damn summer classes
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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Love Letters To README

Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme

Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader

My Darling Reader, No pressure …

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An Editor's Guide to Crushing Students' Spirits

As an editor of this fine magazine, I spend a lot of time wading through incomprehensible drivel to guide it toward the pinnacle of our satire content: comprehensible drivel. It's a difficult job, one involving strategery and manipulation more so than artfulness or constructive collaboration. When I sit down across …

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"HELP WANTED: Looking for help moving a large shipment of 122 homework keys. Must be discrete and good at withstanding torture. Will discuss pay upon arrival."

What is MIT

To most of us, "MIT" stands for one thing, and one thing only: an overused BSD-style software license. But in a suburb of Boston, a little-known private university known as Massachusetts Institute of Technology has been racking up accolades at an impressive rate, sparking curiosity among CMU students and faculty.

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New Squatter's Lawn Competition begins

The U.S. Department of Housing and Development is proud to announce a new initiative to help deal with the growing problem of squatters. Starting at the beginning of February will be the All-American Best-Kept Squatter’s Lawn Competition. The idea is fairly simple, after close coordination with local police departments all …

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An intensely detailed hand-sketched map of CMU, interspersed with doodles and thoughts.
An ad for Flouride-Free Water by RFK Jr., "Now infused with Ivermectin for optimal illness recovery; drink those liberal tears". The logo reads "No F Given", where "F" is the periodic table tile for Flourine.

Gender euphoria: humorless humping

Gender Dysphoria is the concept of one’s gender identity within oneself clashing with their perceived or performed gender presented to the outside world. This is a common phenomenon, particularly in the trans and non- binary communities, where this dissonance causes intense discomfort. Common triggers for dysphoria include improper pronoun use, …

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Interwar Update

Once again, we’d like to thank you, dear reader, for continuing to stick with readMe through these turbulent times. You probably never imagined that the US government would declare us illegal, but alas, much like cocaine and alcohol before us, it seems like Uncle Sam has a penchant for criminalizing …

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A photo of a lawn absolutely covered in lawn gnomes.

Stop Calling Your Parents So Late At Night, You Whiny Little Bitch

It’s the middle of the night and you feel like shit. Maybe it’s 1 a.m., and you just realized there was something due at midnight. Maybe you’re being kept awake by your fifth cold in three weeks. Maybe it just hit that you actually kinda sorta miss home a little. …

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Farnam done with the jokes; challenges any student brave enough to a duel

On March 23, 2026, Farnam Jahanian stood in front of an eager crowd of students, stakeholders, and passersby to give the State of the University Address. But what he actually had to say shocked the eager crowd, bystanders, upstanders, netizens, and several global leaders.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” began CMU’s …

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Morewood Gardens on fire.

Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

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Pittsburgh announces cheat day for airspace laser-pointer laws

One thing we all liked to do as kids is mess around with laser-pointers. Watching cats chase around the dots, blinding our siblings, but most fun of all, aiming at airplanes! Unfortunately for our joyful childhood spirits, the very 1984 United States of America government passed a law in 2012 …

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5 Inessential oils every parent doesn't need

Cold and flu season is fast approaching, and many mamas are wondering how to keep their littles healthy. If that sounds like you, then you’ve come to the right place! In my seven years as a Platinum Distributor at GaiaLife, I’ve learned that oils have a special power. Give any …

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The Lottery

The morning of October 27th was cloudy and overcast, with the cold of a mid-autumn day; the leaves of the trees showed hints of orange, and the dutifully maintained grass was richly green. The students of Carnegie Mellon began to gather on the Cut around ten o’clock; the whole lottery …

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A Disease for Every Department

CFA
Architecture: Sick building syndrome
Art: Rabies Design: Mono ( type, lithic, tonous, nucleosis)
Drama: Hysterical pregnancy
Music: Tinnitus
CIT
BME: Plague
ChemE: Overdosing
CivE & EnvE: Tetanus
ECE: Herpes (both are 40% of the population)
EPP: No disease, just getting repeatedly run over by a car
MSE: …

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Readme's Moderately Late Guide to Choosing your Freshman Dorm

As a freshman, freshwoman, or fresh non-binary person, part of your experience will be to live in one of CMU’s 13 premium housing options or Donner House. Without further ado, here’s Readme’s guide to everything you wish you’d known when you’d ranked your housing choices. We’d have published this article …

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README Announces Partnership With Lockheed Martin

As the world begins to reckon with the effects of global war, the definition of what is considered warfare has broadened significantly. Modern warfare is not just conducted on the battlefield: it is carried out in the home and in the minds of every enemy citizen. Ever since humanity’s …

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So you've heard of 122?

So you met a friend during O-week. They're lively, clever, and excited for their first semester at a top-tier university. But a few weeks into the school year, you'll notice them shying away. They won't seem as alive at parties. They'll sit quietly during board game night while everyone else …

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How to feng shui your killdozer • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995­-96 • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list • Naughty List leaked • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Demolition Company breaks up married couple • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • How to feng shui your killdozer • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995­-96. • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list. • Naughty List leaked. • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election. • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Demolition Company breaks up married couple. • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction