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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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KGB Presents: BabyMe

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Exclusive Feature: Booth Baby

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

This is the heartwarming story of how two students met through working on Booth together—and they even made a booth-themed house for their baby.

Baby John Wilkes, born on May 30, was the first child of Tartan alumni Tricia and Bill Ding. This couple first met when working on …

Readme has hired world's funniest baby

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Here at ReadMe, we’re hip with the youth. That’s why we make sure to give equal opportunity to comedians of all ages. And well, earlier this week, we found some truly outstanding talent: the funniest baby ever.

Herbert, 0 years old, was born with an innate knack for comedy …

Handy Manny • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

This Dog got into CMU with a 1100 SAT

By Citron • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

“I didn’t really want to go to MIT anyways. I just feel like their campus culture wouldn’t have suited me,” explains 17 year old Basset Hound Elvis Johnson. “But CMU’s got these Tartan traditions, and, you know, that kind of thing. I think it was my number one choice, actually.”

…

The Funniest Joke Ever

// Mar. K. O. • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

WALK FASTER

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

If you have long legs like me, you’ll know there’s an epidemic of slow walkers on this campus. Consider the statue Walking to the Sky. The people in this statue are quite frankly doing it wrong in every way. Where could they possibly be going? Why haven’t any of them …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Horseshoe Theory Finally Useful

By Daniel Yin • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Diagram plotting profitability on the y-axis vs. health on the x-axis. It starts high, goes low in the middle, and ends high. Labels from left to right go Glue, Horse Diving, Horse Ballet, Dressage, Horseback Riding, Cavalry, Horse Racing.

Shockingly, the first and only legitimate use of horseshoe theory is actually related to horses. While a horse of medium health may provide companionship and funny videos for Instagram Reels, it's been determined that the optimal horse health for very profitable horse activities is either very low or very …

Following surprise come-from-behind campaign, George Michael announced as U.S. President Elect

By Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

president elect In a landslide victory, George Michael has successfully secured his victory in the 2024 Presidential Election. This marks the first time a third-party candidate has ever won a presidential election in United States History. Michael is also the first animal to reach the position of Commander in Chief since Garfield’s …

Tales from Beyond Frick Park: The One and Only Journey

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Mr. Vizinyos delighted in recounting his tales of yonder. Paris, he explained, was Shadyside if Walnut Street had been widened to the point of absurdity; Venice resembled the South Side Flats when flooded; Tokyo was naught but Downtown if Downtown extended forever and the PRT went everywhere, anytime; and, naturally, …

Anti Anti Aging Cream

By Handy Manny & Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Have you ever realized shit, I look TOO youthful? Have you ever been rejected from ordering copious amounts of alcohol for being “underage”? Well, here at Dave’s Rare and Unusual New Kreations, our team of award-winning scientists has discovered a new way to acquire alcohol!

Introducing Anti-Anti-Aging Cream! It's …

Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Smoking cigarettes is the coward's way out of an oral fixation

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

It's a late night. I'm a private eye, packing a revolver and a second revolver, 'cause that's what you need in the rough-and-tumble streets of North Oakland. I wear a wire and a long coat, but there's one thing you'll never catch me with, and that's a cigarette drooping from …

Auntie readme's Advice

By Author Who Asked To Be Credited Only As ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’, Author Who Asked To Be Credited Only As ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’ II, Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

After having been summarily shot for giving advice purely off of the terminally online references in my head, and having been resurrected by a joint effort of ReadMe staff and the biochemical engineering majors due to staff shortages, I am now fully embracing the magic of science and consulting with …

A Very Readme Christmas

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

The yearly CMU black market finals guide

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Welcome, dear one, to the last academic guide you will ever need.

In this trying season of finals and term projects – when time is short, energy wanes, and we remain besieged by our thanksgiving-fueled, Celsius-charged gut microbiomes – conventional academics are no longer viable. This compendium, brought to …

Cervesato captured by Pres. Jahanian in nighttime operation

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Picture yourself this morning in section DDDD of 122. The topic is data structures, and Prof. Iliano Cerversato, known affectionately by his students as "Iliano" or "The Null Pointer", is giving a spirited talk on implementing frangible lists in C2. Suddenly, the door of Rashid is blown in with an …

A letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

It's hard to figure out what we're going to say in these first few issues. The freshmen class is so new. Unsullied with the weight of the world you'll start carrying after syllabus weeks. Hopeful for the memories and bonds you'll form in their two or three hours of free …

Pittsburgh's Newest Invasive Species

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

You’ve seen them around. They didn’t exist here a few years ago, but now they’re all over the place. If you don’t know what they are, you might think they look kinda cool. Really, they’re destroying our environment.

Pittsburgh’s newest invasive species has no natural predators. It destroys its …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

"Have you seen this dog? Now you have! You're welcome :)" [picture of a dog]

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

EADME CIME EPOT

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

We have so much debt. As such, I have to use a typewite that’s missing a few keys. How will this cut costs and pay off the debt? No idea.

Phishing Scam A massive phishing scam was sent out by a compomised student oganization to 960 and 100 students …

Evolution of Hetero Sapiens

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Up until the 1960s, the student body of Carnegie Mellon University consisted solely of gay men. Passionate academic rivalries and long nights in the lab together fostered a thriving homosexual population at CMU. De Fer ran out of iced coffee by 8:03 every morning, and the CMU Philharmonic played nothing …

README Announces Partnership With Lockheed Martin

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

As the world begins to reckon with the effects of global war, the definition of what is considered warfare has broadened significantly. Modern warfare is not just conducted on the battlefield: it is carried out in the home and in the minds of every enemy citizen. Ever since humanity’s …

Auntie ReadMe’s: A Conversation With Dr. Et. Al

By Cindy Gao & Dr. Et Al. • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

After being suspended from the Guild of Advice Columnists for “giving bad advice” because “you can’t just lie” or something and “several people have died as a result of going along with something this column said and that means you can legally be charged with manslaughter” and other silly allegations …

How to Spice Things Up in the Study Lounge

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 9, 2026

Have you ever noticed how schoolwork is boring but sex is super fun? If you have, you’re not alone. The good news is that you can combine the two. If you want straight As and straight Os, read this handy (no pun intended) guide!

Sexy study strategy #1: Put …

A Letter From The Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

Well, It's been a couple weeks of the semester and it seems like the seasonal depression has finally kicked in for the freshmen. And by seasonal depression, I mean that they're depressed no matter what the season is. The energy and mirth of youth is over, and now there is …

Scotty Dog to Race at 2025 Carnival

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

The Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures is proud to announce that their 2025 buggy driver will be none other than our beloved mascot, Scotty the Scotty dog. Readme spoke with a member of the Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures, who chose to …

REPORTS: CMU Nothing Like Jewish Sleepaway Camp

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Freshman Ari Steinberg has spent every summer at Camp Ramah in New England since he was 9 years old, so he thought living in a traditional triple on the third floor of Mudge would be easy as alef, bet, gimel. And he was ready to survive a few weeks of …

CaPS announces new mental health app

By Dr. Dee Pression • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

The CaPS Division of Student Affairs has published an announcement for a new mental health app this week. The brand new application, available sometime within the next two months, comes after a conclusive study done by Dr. Et Al on the happiness of students on campus. The study, titled “Carnegie …

"CMU Designs new dating app!" [Image of a white man and an asian woman (promise this is relevant) grinning and pointing to a smartphone] "JOIN NOW if you are: an incredibly attractive Asian woman OR...just a white guy"

Tulip Sondisdik • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

2026 Winter Olympics set to debut Calvinball

By Alex Werth & Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Upon donations by mysterious benefactors, Calvinball is now part of the Winter Olympics. The following is an account of the first match, an embroiled battle between Botswana and Burkina Faso, as retold by an unnamed Calvinball aficionado watching from a safe distance.

GESLING STADIUM Students flocked to the arena …

"Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Confidential: Exam answers revealed to student in Hunan noodles • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • To symbolize the colors of spring in Pittsburgh, CMU's Holi celebration exclusively features powders of white, black, and beige • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • Gelt still more real than crypto • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • In Farnam's absence, students erect golden Scotty Dog statue • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Confidential: Exam answers revealed to student in Hunan noodles • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • To symbolize the colors of spring in Pittsburgh, CMU's Holi celebration exclusively features powders of white, black, and beige • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • In Farnam's absence, students erect golden Scotty Dog statue • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling