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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

KGB Presents: BabyMe


Exclusive Feature: Booth Baby

This is the heartwarming story of how two students met through working on Booth together—and they even made a booth-themed house for their baby.

Baby John Wilkes, born on May 30, was the first child of Tartan alumni Tricia and Bill Ding. This couple first met when working on …

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Carnegie Mellon rabbits claim squatters rights

Rabbits have officially claimed squatters’ rights on the CMU Mall and CFA Lawn following years of occupation. The invasive creatures were first introduced fifty years ago when a freshman living in Mudge brought their hobby rabbit farm to campus. The university initially tried to contain them, but efforts ceased after …

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A poem called "why the long face?" next to an incredibly stretched out picture of a man's face.

The Bill of Commandments

Everyone can agree that America is currently in a time of crisis. People refuse to help their neighbors simply because they posted a questionable take on the town Facebook page. Political violence runs rampant — yesterday at the grocery store, a guy flicked off my “Don’t Tread On Me” …

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CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

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Morewood Gardens on fire.

ReadMe Announces Launch of New Dog-Watching Ring

Are you a proud Tartan? Do you like copious amounts of violence? Have you tried to participate in dogfighting but were too concerned about the legality? Fortunately for you, earlier this week ReadMe executives failed to thoroughly read my amendments to the yearly budget and have now approved plans for …

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I Hate Baker-Porter

Baker-Porter Hall is the most evil building on all of CMU’s campus. Its construction is proof of hell's existence. In order to graduate from the architecture program you have to successfully map Baker-Porter, no one’s done it yet.

Baker-Porter cannot decide if it wants to be Baker or Porter. …

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What to say to a tour guide

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

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The yearly CMU black market finals guide

Welcome, dear one, to the last academic guide you will ever need.

In this trying season of finals and term projects – when time is short, energy wanes, and we remain besieged by our thanksgiving-fueled, Celsius-charged gut microbiomes – conventional academics are no longer viable. This compendium, brought to …

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Torah Review

Noah’s Ark
🔯🔯
Great ocean scenery but they put me with the only other human and he keeps looking at me weird.

Tower of Babel
🔯🔯🔯
Gribbledorf zanks flomptiously squibberwump’s jibbleflop.

Cain and Abel
🔯🔯🔯🔯
If my dad named me Cain, I’d also be pissed …

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A Letter from the Editor

As you may or may not know, ReadMe has been around since the dawn of time. We’re so old, in fact, that for our first volumes we were called TellMe. We orated about the Big Bang, the age of the dinosaurs, and the evolution of humanity. Once we could write, …

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CARNEGIE FEET PICS LEAKED

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Cruella De Vil walking through an ornate door with a large grin. She's holding a cloth bag in front of her, about as tall as she is, which is dripping through at the bottom.

CMU was always a social experiment

Carnegie Mellon. You all know the name – founded in 1900 with the supposed intention of being a “technical institution” where our “hearts are in the work.” These are all lies that you have been fed by Big Behavioralism, because we know the real reason that CMU was founded.

…

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A library card which has "WHORE" written on it in scratchy lettering.

CMU announces new set of steam tunnels

Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led …

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Top 10 ways to die during Carnival

1. Buggy crashes: Is this one even close? Buggy is like having kids - ­it makes no sense at all when you actually think about it. It’s highly dangerous. The preparation takes up several months of your life, and leads to uncountable sleepless nights. And yet, we can’t seem to …

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Confessions of the Fence Eater

As many of you know, I am about to be expelled from CMU for taking a bite out of the Fence. The vitriol I’ve received from faculty and alumni for this victimless crime has taken a tremendous toll on my mental health, and I would like to present my side …

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CaPS announces new mental health app

The CaPS Division of Student Affairs has published an announcement for a new mental health app this week. The brand new application, available sometime within the next two months, comes after a conclusive study done by Dr. Et Al on the happiness of students on campus. The study, titled “Carnegie …

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I Was Abducted and Brought to the Mellon Institute

It was a normal Thursday night, meaning I had one tequila soda, one IPA, three tequila sodas, and a Celsius. I was walking back to my dorm from Squirrel Hill when a bright light appeared over me. All of a sudden, I found myself falling over. I assumed it was …

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Auntie readme's Advice

After having been summarily shot for giving advice purely off of the terminally online references in my head, and having been resurrected by a joint effort of ReadMe staff and the biochemical engineering majors due to staff shortages, I am now fully embracing the magic of science and consulting with …

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One's a magazine. One's a human. Now they're married.

Just a few short articles ago, they were strangers. One, a newspaper, born in a VersaLink printer, and the other, a student of Carnegie Mellon University. They're an unlikely couple, but they show that love truly has no bounds. Their wedding is set to take place on the scenic slopes …

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October 29, 1929: "Block Tuesday" Leaves Freshmen Destitute

At Carnegie Mellon University, the end of the 1920s saw unprecedented financial ruin for many first-year students. The meal-block economy had crescendoed throughout the decade, with blocks selling for a whopping 50% of their original worth. Unfortunately, this lucrative exchange could not last forever. The block market imploded, wiping out …

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Carnegie Mellon Secedes!

A map of the borders of the newly-seceded Carnegie-Mellon Republic In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state …

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Beloved Football Chants At CMU

The Kiltie Marching Band wants blood. Despite, on paper, being the unassuming pep band for CMU’s respectable football team, firsthand experience brings out their reality; that the Kilties are a barely-restrained rabid mob. Observe the chants they call out at games, taunting the other team and wishing destruction upon them. …

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CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Controversy over Rev Noodle slogan: "Are you ready for the revolution?" • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Architecture students host training camp for hunkering down at CMU • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • Rest in Peace Buddy • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Controversy over Rev Noodle slogan: "Are you ready for the revolution?" • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking. • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along. • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Architecture students host training camp for hunkering down at CMU • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • Rest in Peace Buddy • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer