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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

If You Don't Read This Magazine, We'll Kill This Dog


A Freshman's Guide to Staying Healthy

Congratulations on starting your first year at Carnegie Mellon! Now that you’re in college, you can’t rely on your parents to keep you alive anymore. You have to get your own food, look after your own wellbeing, and avoid locking yourself in a hot car while you buy cigarettes. It’s …

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Are You a Lazy Bitch? Automating Your Human Interaction With Claude

Being a mediocre friend takes a lot of work. Is some dumb bitch blowing up your phone, asking inane questions like “are you free this weekend?” or if you “want to grab a drink :)”? Do you have a friend incapable of getting the hint that you do like them, …

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A screenshot of a Gmail inbox with 8 form submission receipts with the subject "cmu missed connections <3", with times between 3 and 4 AM.

Evil Careers for those in the Arts (Oh, and the Humanities)

Every freshman comes to CMU with the same dream. They may have different passions, but when they stand up at convocation, each one has the same thought in their mind: my very own Faustian contract is just around the corner. Unfortunately, achieving this dream is easier for some than it …

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An image appearing to be a screenshot of a Polymarket betting option labeled "Will that bigass construction project on Forbes/Craig be completed on time?" with a 1% projected chance of succeeding and a $500 trillion volume.
A GoFundMe page to "support readme on strike," with a photo of picketing readme writers. One sign says "Eshaan owes me $20."
The original Star Wars movie poster with Luke and Leia's faces replaced with Farnam Jahanian's.

Funny Pranks We Legally Can't Tell You To Pull During Carnival

Pulling pranks is great, just yesterday I pulled a hilarious prank where I put opioids in a guy’s beer. With Carnival leading to all kinds of people being out and about on campus, it's the perfect time for a little fun. But maybe you’re tired of the same old boring …

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Undergrad Senate Exposed for Really Craving Wingstop

PITTSBURGH, PA

(Whis L. Blower)

In a shocking turn of events this past Tuesday, the Undergraduate Student Senate, a committee of 38 seemingly famished individuals, has been secretly indulging themselves in oodles of the most mediocre fried chicken known to mankind. Now you, reader, might be asking, "Whoa …

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Another Night in Pittsburgh

The whispering rain splats ungracefully onto the cracked pavement. A lightning strike goes unnoticed amongst the flickering neon signs. Those outside cling tightly to their overcoats and rain hats, unable to fully face the despairing night. A Pittsburgh university. A piano. A tragedy. I sit in my malaise, staring at …

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A room with many tables with bowls of Matzah ball soup. A sign says "Eli's Bar Matzah"

ReadMe Bets Entire Budget on Landslide Mondale Election Victory

It’s not the 70s anymore. Hippies are out. Snorting cocaine in a yuppie penthouse is in. ReadMe is playing it fast and loose, strutting down Wall Street with slick backed hair, a new suit, and a son named ReadMe Jr. with a distant look in his eyes and a baseball …

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I wrote this article while drunk

It’s 2:17 AM. I’ve stumbled my way back to my dorm from some other person’s dorm. Don’t worry, their neighbors didn’t complain. Or, at least, we couldn’t hear any complaints. There’s vomit in the trash can and trash on the floor. The trash can is also on the floor. My …

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Founder's Body Found in Doherty

Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C­-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided …

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A fun spin on a popular childhood game

Tag is a certified childhood classic, and everyone knows the rules. However, I have personally found that if you play it enough times, tag quickly becomes boring. Nevertheless, as a center of innovation, mastermind engineers in the halls of the Princeton of the Alleghenies have devised an updated version of …

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The Worm's Perspective: A Review of RFK's Brain

The human brain comes in a variety of different forms, from the quick and witty to the dull and sluggish. I had the opportunity to taste a unique and rare brain a few years ago, and had I known whose it was, I would have eaten the whole thing- what …

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"CMU Graphic Design Club, sponsored by README (please join, we need artists)" / "graphic design is our passion!!!!" [lots of rainbow colors and poor-quality sketches]

Facing your fears: The self-assured squirrel that's four feet in front of you

It happened again. You were leaving the car, walking back home, when you encountered it: a squirrel (let’s call him Squeaky) standing only 4 feet away from you.

You take a step closer. Squeaky does not scurry away. You cower. Squeaky stares you down. You run away.

Does …

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The secret dark reality of ChatGPT

Much to the dismay of educators around the globe, the popularity of Artificial Intelligence, or AI, has exploded over the past year. Millions of prompts are sent every day to OpenAI’s groundbreaking chatbot ChatGPT. Carnegie Mellon’s students in particular have quickly latched on to this new way to avoid their …

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Pittsburgh GrubHub Driver Diaries

Day 1:

Hello, diary! Today is my first day driving for GrubHub! To be honest, I didn’t really know what to expect, since I’m so new to the area and haven’t really spoken to anyone yet. For that reason, I wanted to stay more downtown so I’d have more …

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Degree of CMU alum posthumously revoked after 15-122 whiteboard found in steam tunnels

Last Thursday, a trio of students attempting to raid the famed steam tunnels under Margaret Morrison Hall for treasure were caught by CMU police. While their possessions were being confiscated, however, CMUPD came across a far more disturbing secret. Dusting off the asbestos powder covering its surface, police officers were …

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My Love Affair with Raymond John Wean

Dear Reader,

It started as most romances do, with a meet-cute in a coffee shop. La Prima Espresso at the entrance of Wean Hall has always been one of my favorite places to grab a drink between my life-threatening engineering classes, but I had no idea just how important …

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Readme Goes to Shul

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STI Transmission via consumption of infected flesh

Abstract

While the transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) through blood transfusions or sexual activity is widely researched, there remains a gap in the understanding of STI transmission through cannibalism. Prion diseases like kuru disease or Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease can be passed on through consumption of infected flesh. This …

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"I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Remember to tip your TAs! • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Local gnome discovers his house has been stolen by SDC booth • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you • Seeing Walking to the Sky as boring as seeing photograph of Walking to the Sky, studies report • "I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer. • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Remember to tip your TAs! • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Local gnome discovers his house has been stolen by SDC booth. • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum. • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you. • Seeing Walking to the Sky as boring as seeing photograph of Walking to the Sky, studies report.