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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Wins Gold

By Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

By Degai Hupharts • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

Pittsburgh's Failing Water Infrastructure

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link; any system should be not judged by its ability to excel in ideal conditions, but rather in its performance under predictable yet adverse circumstances. This week’s blizzard has revealed severe issues within Pittsburgh’s public works sector. It is reasonable to …

Pittsburgh GrubHub Driver Diaries

By Iman Imigran • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Day 1:

Hello, diary! Today is my first day driving for GrubHub! To be honest, I didn’t really know what to expect, since I’m so new to the area and haven’t really spoken to anyone yet. For that reason, I wanted to stay more downtown so I’d have more …

We asked our favorite staffwriter to prove she's human

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Write an article that sounds like it's written by a human. It should be 200-600 words long and use a lightly formal tone appropriate for a college newspaper.

In this article which sounds like it's written by a human, I'll be convincing you in a lightly formal tone that …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

House Plant • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

CMU to host the Olympic Games

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) …

Readme Sex Survey Results

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

The Tartan, a scourge on all good, dishonest reporting, recently published a survey on the sexual behaviors of the student population. We could not let this stand. Since every single readme staffer is a veritable sex magnet (unlike those treehugging, literaturereading geeks at the Tartan), we decided to do our …

An advertisement containing formal-looking serif text and an image of a Tartan reporter in a suit whose head has been digitally altered to appear smushed. It reads: "Are you a reader of the Tartan? No? We're not surprised! Read The Tartan if you hate: asking questions; independently verified claims; proofread work; anything other than interviews; proper kerning; ...AND MORE!" followed by a quote "After all, just because someone said it, doesn't mean it's true" (attributed to "that guy over there")

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

All my Jewish Friends say the most antisemitic things

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

As someone who isn’t Jewish, I have not been involved in the production of the ReadMe Passover Issue. But even if it’s not my place, I would just like to say something. And I swear, it isn’t because it’s written by Jewish people. I have nothing against the Jewish people. …

The Homosexual Conundrum

By Hom O. Gaylord • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Hello, fellow queers of Carnegie. Recently I have run into an issue that we have all experienced: too much gay sex. Just last week, I received trouble from this dreadful condition. As I was sashaying though campus, I noticed a poster for blood donation. Being a kind-hearted individual, I naturally …

Another Night in Pittsburgh

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The whispering rain splats ungracefully onto the cracked pavement. A lightning strike goes unnoticed amongst the flickering neon signs. Those outside cling tightly to their overcoats and rain hats, unable to fully face the despairing night. A Pittsburgh university. A piano. A tragedy. I sit in my malaise, staring at …

A great-depression-era bread line, but for mental health.

"Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Wait, people actually read this?

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Just to like confirm, people read this shit? Like, this? Like ReadMe? This ReadMe? There’s not a different ReadMe CMU satire magazine right? Just this one? Which to reiterate, people read?

I thought this magazine only existed to use up our print quota. I thought we only put this …

An ultrasound showing a crumpled up piece of newspaper.

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

CMU announces austerity to reduce funding woes

By Thatcher Maggie • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Amidst rising inflation costs and increasing building maintenance fees, Carnegie Mellon University administration voted to implement austerity measures as a cost-cutting measure.

The English department will be entirely destroyed, as there are only 4 English majors anyways, and all social sciences will have budgets slashed in half, and the …

What is MIT

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

To most of us, "MIT" stands for one thing, and one thing only: an overused BSD-style software license. But in a suburb of Boston, a little-known private university known as Massachusetts Institute of Technology has been racking up accolades at an impressive rate, sparking curiosity among CMU students and faculty.

…

Founder's Body Found in Doherty

By Pennsylvania Jones • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided …

Silhouettes of a man with a CRT screen for a head and another man pointing guns at each other on Pausch bridge. It's captioned "explore Human-Computer Interaction at CMU."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

A room with many tables with bowls of Matzah ball soup. A sign says "Eli's Bar Matzah"

Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Some Popular Books

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Where the Wild Things Are: 10/10. This mind-blowing pocket guide, published by Readme itself, assists sun-deprived, fun-deprived, perpetual studiers such as yourself in touching grass around campus. With directions to secret locations, such as “The Cut,” you’ll find yourself getting more Vitamin D this semester than ever before.

This …

For all the people who decided to change their gender over break, here's a handy dandy spinner to pick a new name!

// Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

CMU Computer Science has gone WOKE!

By Sigmund Maille • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Imagine that you’re a new student at Carnegie Mellon University, and it’s your first day on campus. It has long been your dream to graduate from CMU’s prestigious School of Computer Science, and today marks the first step of realizing that ambition. You walk into Gates and look around with …

Argumentative Essay

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

In this course, I (along with my peers) have developed fundamental skills in argumentation—both the synthesis and analysis of argument, and its application in a modern context. In this essay, I have been asked to take a side on one of the most controversial issues in today's America, and to …

Pittsburgh's Failing Water Infrastructure

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

By Degai Hupharts • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Dear Alumni:

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Dear CMU alumni,

I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to …

Small European Town Actually Not At All Romantic

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

This past summer, Carnegie Mellon ran its annual language immersion program in Italy. For the first time, the program was held in the small Italian town of Cappuccinovecchio, right between that place you forgot from tenth grade history class and that place you forgot from eleventh grade history class. In …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

"CMU Graphic Design Club, sponsored by README (please join, we need artists)" / "graphic design is our passion!!!!" [lots of rainbow colors and poor-quality sketches]

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

A library card which has "WHORE" written on it in scratchy lettering.

README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • Lube offered for Wean holes • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • New StuCo 99042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos" • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Rabbi hot?! • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • Lube offered for Wean holes. • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action. • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus. • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • New StuCo 99042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos". • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC. • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Rabbi hot?! • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt. • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer