Readme Wins Gold

Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Naughty List leaked • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-­nighters • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • King Charles III to consider castling • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Gelt still more real than crypto • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020 • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is. • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Naughty List leaked. • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-­nighters • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • King Charles III to consider castling • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded. • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit. • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens