Paid for by: the extra cost of those damn summer classes
KGB Presents: readme
Editors-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi, Greeshma Adiga
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

A Brave New World


Stealing at Stack'd: A Guide

Stack’d Underground is, on most nights, a thriving center of off duty student activity. Many regular joes are here to grab a quick bite or chat with their classmates. But for enterprising CMU students like me and you, this is also the perfect opportunity to make a quick dime without …

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Morewood Gardens Undergoes Revitalization

It is no secret that the dorms at CMU have some... issues. Such a thing is to be expected for a college struggling to obtain adequate funding, but the students over at Morewood Gardens have been putting great effort into revitalizing their home.

This effort first began with the …

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STI Transmission via consumption of infected flesh

Abstract

While the transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) through blood transfusions or sexual activity is widely researched, there remains a gap in the understanding of STI transmission through cannibalism. Prion diseases like kuru disease or Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease can be passed on through consumption of infected flesh. This …

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"Drink fucking water you asocial, unhealthy fucking freaks," nine out of ten doctors say

Water. Earth. Fire. Air. As we all find ourselves rejuvenating our love for Avatar: The Last Airbender, I present to you an important lesson. Water. We discuss whether water is wet or not. We spend so much time discussing it, but we do not spend enough time drinking it. So, …

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An image appearing to be a screenshot of a Polymarket betting option labeled "Will that bigass construction project on Forbes/Craig be completed on time?" with a 1% projected chance of succeeding and a $500 trillion volume.
"Merry Christmas from Meat the Intern!" [Image of Meat lying in a hospital bed covered almost completely in bandages] Speech bubbles above Meat read: "It's me, Meat! I'm doing fine after last week's incident! The FBI is lying to you!" and "I, Meat, make this statement of my own free will*". A note in the corner reads "9 out of 10 doctors declare this man alive."
[TODO]

Man named Enu goes into hiding after Passover seder

Although it's been nearly a year since that Seder, I am still in fear for my life. The incident started as a simple invitation. Several of my jewish friends invited me to a Passover seder. “You get four glasses of wine,” they said. “It’s like Thanksgiving with three hours of …

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An advertisement with a picture of a shark in a formal suit. The top reads "want your student loans to sleep with the fishes? Call 1-800-LOAN-SHARK now!". The bottom has long fine print with ridiculous terms.

SCC preps for Carnival

As Carnival comes nearer, SCC’s heart has been squarely in the work getting Midway ready for students, alumni, and lost geese to have a fun and safe experience. They’ve been toiling away for weeks, and here at Readme, we forgive them for their foolish tendencies, like their tardiness on literally …

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Could Drunk Driving be Better than Sex? 7 good reasons (and 1 bad one)

One of the great tragedies of the human condition is that two of the most forbidden of sins are also the simplest pleasures of life: sex and drunk driving. But for one brief moment, allow me to let comparison be the thief of joy as I pit these iconic vices …

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[TODO]

New job opportunities for recent graduates.

Dear Recent Graduates,

Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …

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Cigarette Networking

Another year, another summer of being a bum. Despite my best efforts, I did not land an internship. "Are you legally authorized to work in the United States", my eyes glimmer with hope. "Yes", I mutter under my breath. "Do you now or in the future require visa sponsorship", the …

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"How many times did you vote this election? (Sample Size: 500 students)" [a pie chart with the following data: 0–2 is 29.5%, 3–5 is 47.7%, 6–10 is 15.9%, and 11+ is 6.8%]

Scotty's Obituary

Scotty Dog passed away on the night of August 25th from the terrible disease of two bullets to the side of the head. She was born in 2007 in Calgary, Canada to two Scottish Terriers who are both deeply mourning her passing. In 2008, the family decided Pittsburgh would be …

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With child labor laws repealed, CMU Daycare begins buggy training

In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin …

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A letter from the Editor

It's hard to figure out what we're going to say in these first few issues. The freshmen class is so new. Unsullied with the weight of the world you'll start carrying after syllabus weeks. Hopeful for the memories and bonds you'll form in their two or three hours of free …

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What are they carrying to the sky?

Walking to the Sky, installed in 2006 by prominent war criminal Jonathan Borofsky, is an iconic fixture of CMU's campus. Many have noticed that on some cloudy mornings, the statue standing on its lowest rung will be one step higher, and a new soulless, gendered sculpture will have taken its …

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Please

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www.cmureadme.com/donate

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Senior Starts Quantitative Finance Firm Specializing in Block Market

At Carnegie Mellon University, the start of the 2025 school year has witnessed the rise of a new financial titan: a junior Computational Finance major, Manya N. Power, has launched QuantBlock Solutions, a quantitative finance firm specializing in trading the block market. “The emotional, speculative trading of the freshman selling …

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A hiring ad for Dr. Et al's lab, for the following projects: rice frying without shrimp assistance, what happens if you drink liquid nitrogen?, investigation of the application of dirt as a culinary seasoning, linguisitic analysis of "skibidi Ohio Rizz", and correlating cute pitbull names with their likeliness to main children. If interested, it says to contact by carrier pigeon at "cooo cooo coooooo, coooo, cooo cooo."

Introducing Tall Booth

As students, staff, and alumni flood the Midway this Carnival, they’ll notice the usual arrangement of booths, each with its own unique design. Navigating through the Midway, entranced with the artistry of Spring Carnival, they’ll walk slowly into the shadow lurking at the back of the Midway. There, they’ll find …

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CARNEGIE FEET PICS LEAKED

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WALK FASTER

If you have long legs like me, you’ll know there’s an epidemic of slow walkers on this campus. Consider the statue Walking to the Sky. The people in this statue are quite frankly doing it wrong in every way. Where could they possibly be going? Why haven’t any of them …

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Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • [REDACTED] • Gelt still more real than crypto • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-­Hours-­Straight-­Of-­Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • In Farnam's absence, students erect golden Scotty Dog statue • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona' • Woke professor spends half of lecture on land acknowledgement only to immediately deadname student • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • [REDACTED] • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-­Hours-­Straight-­Of-­Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • In Farnam's absence, students erect golden Scotty Dog statue • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona'. • Woke professor spends half of lecture on land acknowledgement only to immediately deadname student • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter.