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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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Inside ReadMe Legal

Due to the substantial inquiries regarding the inner workings of ReadMe & Co, I have been chosen to represent the ReadMe Legal Department in disclosing the functions and responsibilities we adhere to in order to maintain ReadMe as a corporation and ensure the continued freedom of all ReadMe employees.

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Tired of Binge Drinking? Try Vibe Drinking

Let me tell you about a CMU student named Bob. I actually don’t know a person named Bob at CMU, but let’s just say he’s real. Like many other students at CMU, he has no friends, no girlfriend, no money, no sexual activity, no summer internship lined up, no loving …

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Hey Alums! Here's what's new on campus

Welcome back to campus, alumni! We hope that you have fun during carnival, and that the school brings back warm memories of your time here. CMU’s changed a lot since you’ve graduated, but don’t fear: readMe is here to get you up to speed.

Schatz has acquired its first …

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A color-by-numbers of a wintery scene, where every section is numbered 1 for white.

Beloved Football Chants At CMU

The Kiltie Marching Band wants blood. Despite, on paper, being the unassuming pep band for CMU’s respectable football team, firsthand experience brings out their reality; that the Kilties are a barely-restrained rabid mob. Observe the chants they call out at games, taunting the other team and wishing destruction upon them. …

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Chemger Games winners threaten double suicide, sequels cancelled

It has been an action-packed day for the Chemger Games. Contestants from every corner of campus have embarked on the perilous journey to reach the Mellon Institute, with many dying from exhaustion before ever reaching the godforsaken building. Of those who remained, drama was omnipresent. Who could forget the unforgettable …

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[TODO]
Two similar sketches of the base of Walking to the Sky with Warner Hall in the background. In one image, a crushed piano has just landed on top of what is now a splatter of blood.
Lockheed Martin ad showing a large piece of military equipment on a hill overseeing a large, populous city. It's captioned "the war on Christmas ends with us."
A poll of students labeled "why were you at a CMU football game?" [pie chart with the following data: "thought it was a 112 recitation" is 35.5%, "I heard chicks dig sports guys" is 4.8%, "lost" is 16.1%, "if a ball hits me I get an excused absence" is 16.1%, and "my friend is in Kiltie and begged me for two hours" is 27.4%]

Readme Studies Abroad

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Last Rites: The Final Words of a Student Trapped in Gates

ReadMe’s most dedicated journalists have recently discovered a letter at the bottom of a Rohr Cafe – La Prima coffee cup, believed to be written by a student who never made it out of the Gates and Hillman centers. Out of respect for this fallen student, we have decided to …

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A Modest Proposal for dealing with after hours noise

It is a melancholy object to those who walk though this great campus, when they see the streets and roads crowded with loud-mouthed hooligans. Studious learners must keep their windows boarded, and their doors shut to keep the noise from irresponsible teenagers who, as they grow up, either turn to …

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Carnegie Mellon Secedes!

A map of the borders of the newly-seceded Carnegie-Mellon Republic In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state …

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A drawing of a catperson with glasses. It says "cat for sale / 1 dollar / comes with Anxiety / smells like homosexuality"
An ad for Flouride-Free Water by RFK Jr., "Now infused with Ivermectin for optimal illness recovery; drink those liberal tears". The logo reads "No F Given", where "F" is the periodic table tile for Flourine.

BREAKTHROUGH: Man Crushed by Falling Piano, Killed by Banana Peel

(CMU) - In 1945, one J. Robert Oppenheimer oversaw the first detonation of a nuclear weapon, and for decades thereafter the institution of physical sciences was seen for what it is: a dominant force of the universe surpassing human confines, and one of the great sciences, a real science, ethically …

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Evolution of Hetero Sapiens

Up until the 1960s, the student body of Carnegie Mellon University consisted solely of gay men. Passionate academic rivalries and long nights in the lab together fostered a thriving homosexual population at CMU. De Fer ran out of iced coffee by 8:03 every morning, and the CMU Philharmonic played nothing …

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PlayMe

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A PSA to check the CO detectors

Yesterday, the carbon monoxide detectors started talking to me. They whispered to me, begged me to change the batteries. The carbon monoxide detectors love the batteries. I love the batteries.

I love carbon monoxide detectors. They keep the ants out of the wall. The ants want to burrow, to …

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The Wheel and its affects on our children

It’s the latest craze, the vogue, a revolution, and it’s rolling off the shelves. If you’ve lived in ancient society in the last few lunar cycles, you’ve heard of it: the wheel.

The wheel has transformed our world swiftly; be it agriculture, transportation, cheese, or construction, they’ve already become …

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2026 Winter Olympics set to debut Calvinball

Upon donations by mysterious benefactors, Calvinball is now part of the Winter Olympics. The following is an account of the first match, an embroiled battle between Botswana and Burkina Faso, as retold by an unnamed Calvinball aficionado watching from a safe distance.

GESLING STADIUM Students flocked to the arena …

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Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • Victim Escapes Samsara • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • King Charles III to consider castling • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • CUC gym administrators remove all first-floor machines to make space for a merchandise sweatshop • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • Victim Escapes Samsara. • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks. • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • King Charles III to consider castling • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • CUC gym administrators remove all first-floor machines to make space for a merchandise sweatshop.